Picture courtesy of Learning and Teaching Scotland
Several weeks ago, I visited a new dentist for a teeth cleaning. I’m still relatively new to Chicago and this dentist, who I will refer to as Dr. Judgy, came highly recommended by a co-worker.
As I leaned back in Dr. Judgy’s dentist chair, trying not to flinch as the glaring light shined into my eyes, he noticed my engagement ring.
“So you’re engaged?”, he exclaimed. Dr. Judgy was fairly young and Indian, like myself. I smiled awkwardly and nodded, for his fingers were still poking around inside of my mouth.
“When’s the big day?” he asked. “Nwext Jwrune”, I mumbled, trying not to drool all over Dr. Judgy’s fingers.
Reaching for his scraping tool, Dr. Judgy smiled widely and said, “Aww. I got married last year. Big Indian wedding?”
I shook my head as he pulled his fingers from the inside of my mouth. “Nope, medium-sized wedding”, I replied. “I think we’re going to have about 200 people.”
Dr. Judgy snorted and exclaimed, “200 people??? That’s not medium-sized, that’s tiny. You would get laughed at if you had an Indian wedding that small around here. My wedding had 800 people! Why on earth are you having such a small wedding?”
I looked at Dr. Judgy narrowly. He had resumed poking inside my mouth, so I was unable to respond with a stinging comeback (not that I actually had one anyway). I briefly considered biting his index finger, but decided to be civil (not a good idea to antagonize the dentist, I figured).
I waited until Dr. Judgy removed his fingers and I said pointedly, “I actually wanted something a bit more intimate. Besides, it’s really expensive to have so many guests.”
Dr. Judgy nodded and acknowledged, “Yeah our wedding was super expensive. At least hundreds of thousands of dollars. You really need to spend that much with that many people.” I sighed, thinking about how not every Indian family has hundreds of thousands to spend on a wedding. At that point, I’d had just about enough of Dr. Judgy. Luckily for me, my teeth-cleaning was done.
Long after the appointment was over, Dr. Judgy’s comments stayed with me. I knew I was bucking the tradition of having a large Indian wedding. But I had three very good reasons: (1) My parents primarily socialize among our family. Additionally, they are not really religious and therefore, not part of a religious community. That drastically reduces the number of family friends we have to invite. (2) Inviting that many guests would be extremely expensive. I know how much money my parents have for my wedding and I would rather have something smaller, but really nice instead of stretching my budget razor thin to accommodate hundreds of people. (3) I wanted something a little more intimate (if you can call 200 ppl intimate!). I’m shy by nature and not comfortable in big groups. I like the idea of having a wedding surrounded by family and friends, not my uncle’s friend’s friend and so on.
But I couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow I wasn’t measuring up– that I was shirking an important part of an Indian wedding by not having a large guest list. Was I somehow not Indian enough? Would our other Indian guests judge me for having a small guest list? I still wonder about that…
Have any of you felt judged for cultural traditions you’re keeping/not having? How have you dealt with it?
P.S. Obviously, I’m not going back to Dr. Judgy. Any recommendations for Chicago dentists would also be appreciated 
Oh my…. if 200 is considered a tiny wedding… those who are having 50 guests should be called microscopic!
800 people is ridiculous… and I can bet that he didnt even know 3/4 of the guests.
Sorry I am not from the area… but good luck in finding a dentist.
i too want a “small” (by indian standards) wedding for a more intimate (and less expensive!) feel, but get this–i’m coming across opposition not from outsiders, but my own family! i am honestly looking out for my dad’s bank balance, but he insists that we must follow the tradition of inviting everyone & their mom! i’m purposely looking for venues with capacities under 300!
jasmine, let me know if you want to vent! we’re trying to keep our indian wedding under 300 and are getting judged left and right! especially since we’re following my fiances 650 person extravaganza by only a few months. I feel your pain! and love reading about your wedding/ can’t wait to see more of your ideas!
sorry i meant to say fiances cousin’s 650 person extravaganza
Your dentist would seriously scoff at our intimate, 36 ppl wedding this Friday. He probably has that many ppl over for dinner every night. Whatev!
I’m over keeping up with the Jones’, or in your case, the Dipal’s. We wanted to have an event that suited us, not our social/religous/cultural circles.
Good luck finding the balance you are seeking!
wow! 800 person wedding? that’s insane. 200 is the perfect size, not too large, and not too small, and you still are able to greet all the guests. what a rude dentist! (btw, I HATE HATE HATE when dentists try to make small talk with my mouth pried open. do they really expect me to be able to respond?!)
Try having a dry wedding! You’d think not drinking was a crime. I could not believe the things perfect strangers would say to me when I said I wasn’t having a bar. None of my guest cared. Well maybe one, but I’m sure she had a few before she came.
Is Dr. Judgy indian?
Check out Dr. Oogle online (google “Dr. Oogle”) for recommendations. That’s how I found mine and LOVE him.
It’s unbelievable how people feel the need to give you their opinion on your wedding. I went to the gyno for a regular annual check up and while in the stirrups (!) she’s telling me she thinks I’m too young to get married and am I sure I love him! That I need to see the world first, etc etc. And, FYI - I am 26!
I definitely can sympathize and you should do whatever you are most comfortable with. Forget what everyone else thinks - when it’s all over, no one will be thinking about how your wedding was “so small” and you will be the one remembering how nice it was to have it more intimate.
Don’t listen to a dentist about wedding plans, follow your heart……& rent monsoon wedding……i love that movie
where in Chicago are you looking for a dentist? I have a fabulous one that I love but she’s on the north side.
I know that having an extremely large wedding with over 500 guests is part of the Indian culture, so to those who’ve said an 800 person wedding is ridiculous, it’s not - it’s more the norm for an Indian wedding.
Having said that though, Miss Jasmine, I really don’t think you should let a judgmental dentist you’ve never met before and isn’t invited to your wedding make you feel bad about your decision to buck tradition a bit. A 200 person wedding is still lots of people and you know all the people you really want to spend the day with will be on that list. If you’re not getting backlash about it from your own family and friends, then don’t worry about what this rude guy said to you!
One question though - I was under the impression that at Indian weddings, because they are known to be so large and a huge financial burden on the hosts, I thought it was typical for guests to give cash and the cash gifts essentially pay for the wedding? I also thought usually a big banquet hall was rented and then specifically appointed family members would bring food and cook it themselves so you don’t have the costs of hiring a caterer. So it might not be as expensive in the end as you thought?
Yeah, Dr. Vold is awesome but he’s all the way out in Northbrook - literally behind the mall…
my own sister threw a fit when she found out i’m refusing to have a 300+ wedding (fairly typical among korean-american weddings), and mine will be around 150 max. i think she was offended because somehow she felt that i was rejecting HER ideas. ah well.. everyone else in my family is all for this relatively more intimate and smaller-sized wedding.
My fiance’s family is Catholic (mostly non-practicing), and they are somewhat baffled at the idea of us having our ceremony outdoors in a graden. Who knew that a non-church wedding would be so hard to grasp, especially for people who aren’t even active in their own church-going!!
You need a new dentist! I go to Dr. Schwarz - she’s on Michigan Ave, right next to Nordstrom.
i find it strange that a dentist cleaned your teeth, and not a hygenist…… usually dentists aren’t supposed to do cleanings because they are usually out of practice.
Thank you for all the support everyone– and all the suggestions for a new dentist! I’m so grateful to have so many recommendations to choose from
Well, first off, I am a dentist and as much as I like to get to know my patients, I only talk to them before and after a procedure. I really don’t like it when the patient stops me to make small talk. So I hope you find a good one in Chicago.
Anyway, my fiance and I are solving our problems by having 2 weddings, a westernized one and a Chinese one. My parents are not traditional but my fiance’s family is. His cousin invited 1500 families (that’s families not individuals). Over 900 people ended showing up. That’s crazy. The westernized wedding is “our” wedding and we are doing all the planning. We will have 150 people max at that one and about 400 people at the Chinese one (about 50 people will be my family). We are only inviting a few friends to the Chinese wedding. It may sound like it’s going to cost a lot, but you actually make money from a Chinese wedding: cash gifts, lots of gold, no need for flowers, fancy photography etc. Fiance’s family has been waiting for this moment for a long time and I am not going to argue since they are paying for everything for the Chinese wedding.
If your family is not complaining and you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter how many people you invite. As long as the people who matter the most to you show up, it doesn’t matter what anyone says.
Ugh! I would write a letter to Dr. Judgy’s office letting him know that you will no longer be a patient, and I’d tell him exactly why! That might sound excessive, but honestly, what horrible things to say to/about someone, and he should be told that it is in no way appropriate to comment on or imply of someone’s financial situation, ESPECIALLY a patient. I’m a big fan of writing letters in the case of bad customer service, and this is no exception!!
Ouch…just got back from the dentist today and could feel every scrape and prod in that post!
Which is all I pretty much have to say since I told everyone they could have an opinion if they paid for it.
i can totally relate!! its standard for my culture (southeast asian) to have large weddings, because in the motherland, you invite the whole village. so of course now that my family is here in america, they think that village=the entire city +suburbs. i told my mom no more than 400 and she said, “what?! we are only inviting 25% of the people we SHOULD be inviting”. if she had her way she’d have it be 800!
for me i’m definitely making a lot of changes that are different from the cultural standard, but i dont care what others think anymore. too bad my mom doesn’t feel that way. ~_`’;
Dr. Gilleran on Wabash near Fields (noo Macy’s for me!)
Wow, I really like the way you write. Don’t let some stupid dentist bother you. 200 is very big in my opinion, I’m very overwhelmed at 175 myself!
Mrs. Jasmine, Chicago/LA
Age and Occupation: 25, Attorney
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Attorney
Engagement Date: March 24, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 20, 2007
Venue: Hotel on the westside of Los Angeles
About Me: I'm a happy-go-lucky, imaginative spirit trapped in the body of a lawyer. I love reading, shopping, dining out, and exploring my beloved adopted city of Chicago with my fiance. We're planning the wedding of our dreams in my hometown of Los Angeles and we're excited to incorporate our cherished Indian/Pakistani customs and traditions.
I totally have a recommendation for a Chicago dentist, Dr. Rachel Cohen. She’s located in the Loop and I think she’s GREAT. I HATE going to the dentist (but then again, who loves it?), but I don’t mind going to see her cuz she’s seriously pleasant. Ask me again in 6 months when its time for another cleaning =)