Wedding Blog
Mr. Kiwi and I always have the same discussion when it’s bedtime. I’m a late-nighter, often having to stay up past 11 (at the earliest) to actually feel sleepy. Mr. Kiwi is an early bird, getting sleepy by 9:30 every night, sometimes even in bed by 8! One of our biggest issues is the fact that I would like him to stay awake a little longer, at least until I get sleepy. This sure looks very controlling, but I have a (albeit small) reason for this: my parents never went to bed at the same time, and were rarely ever awake at the same time!
It just seems so… indifferent. Maybe that’s just because that’s the relationship they had, but I don’t want ours turning out like that! Going to sleep at the same time just seems very cozy. We’re still trying to hammer out a compromise; he’ll stay up later on weekends, and if he gets sleepy I’ll just stay up by myself- weeknights I’ll go to bed at the same time as him, but play DS or read with my booklight until I get tired!
It’s funny that we should still discuss this, as this Dear Abby caught my attention:
DEAR ABBY: I am recently married, and every night my husband “tells” me when it’s time for us to retire for the night. This can be anytime from 9:30 to 11:30 p.m.
If I tell him — which is not often — that I am ready for bed before he is, he gets upset. However, if he is ready to go to bed, and I tell him I’d like to finish a book I’m reading or watch a little more TV, he gets upset.
When I try to talk to him about this, he says that married men and women should go to bed “together,” period! But Abby, it is always on his timetable. What about mine? Needless to say, we have both gone to bed angry.
How do we deal with this without both of us getting angry and resenting each other? — TIRED OF BEING TIRED, DES MOINES, IOWA
Abby’s reply?
DEAR TIRED OF BEING TIRED: It appears you have married a man with control issues. Being married does not mean being joined at the hip. People have different biorhythms, and a trip down the aisle does not magically transform a night person into a day person or vice versa.
I’m all for young married love and the spirit of togetherness, but only if it’s voluntary. Your husband needs to learn the art of compromise because it appears he is being extremely heavy-handed.
Mr. Kiwi totally got a kick out of “control issues”, even went as far as to thank Abby aloud. 
Okay, perhaps I’m a little bossy. He still loves me! The article made me think that we’re not quite alone in our nighttime routines, do you guys still go to bed at the same time as each other? Is one of you a late-nighter, while the other is an early bird?
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Oh my gosh! FI and I just had the same conversation last night. I told him I wanted to “break the cycle” of me staying up late and getting up late and him going to bed early and getting up earlier.
I work until 10 so it’s hard to get to bed early, but I want us to be on the same schedule and I’m willing to compromise for it. In fact, I love spending time with him in the mornings (he’s a sportswriter and doesn’t have to be up early either). But FI won’t wake me up. He tries but I shrug him off in my sleep. I guess I’m going to have to resort to the alarm.
We had to find a middle ground as well. I am an early to bed, FI is a night owl. If I can make it, I try to stay awake later. But this inevitably ends up with me asleep next to him on the couch, hehe.
If I just can’t stay awake, he’ll come to bed with me to “tuck me in.” Basically he lays down with me for 5-10 minutes so we can chat a bit and snuggle. I have an easier time falling asleep then too. It seems to work for us. 
I normally go to bed earlier than my husband. He likes to stay up and catch the late Sportscenter. And I wake up earlier, since I like to take the first shower in the a.m.
I HAVE to go to bed early to wake up at 4am for work. (meaning, I need to be in bed between 8 or 9 to avoid all-day migranes the next day). My hubby currently works weekend night shifts, meaning he works from 5pm-3am, so during the week, he can’t go to sleep early or else his body will get used to it and then on the weekend he’ll be too tired at work.
Sleeping in another room works (but sucks!) - but usually I just go to sleep and he stays up and reads his nerdy magazines next to me, which is nice. and I get mad at him if he wants to stay up when I’m ready for bed. you’re not alone! hehe
We definitely have the same issue. I have to get up around 6:15, so I try to get to bed by 10:30, but my fiance is a night owl and usually doesn’t go to work until 10:45. I always want him to come to bed with me even though he’s never tired until midnight or so. Our compromise for now is that he usually comes to bed with me, but will read or work on his computer. Once I’m asleep, if he isn’t tired yet, he’ll go back out to the living room until whenever he wants.
We tend to go to bed at the same time, but I always get sleepy earlier than he does. I try so hard to stay up and watch the movie / TV with him, but always fall asleep on the couch. At which point when he gets ready for bed, he then scoops me up and carries me to bed. I think I try hard to stay up with him because I just like to be with him (we only have weekends together right now). But once married and living together, I think one going to bed earlier than the other is fine.
My parents did it for decades too b/c my Dad had to get up at the crack of dawn and Mom did not. But, they always wrote each other a love note for the other to find on the kitchen counter; Mom saying good morning and he would write have a good day, of course said note was always interspersed with terms of endearment.
During the week everyone gets tired and burnt out and overworked, a good sleep is needed. But sounds like you two are working on a compromise for weekends, good luck!
I totally sympathize with you! I’m a night owl as well and am rarely tired before 11:30pm. But my hubby would rather go to bed at about 10 or 10:30. And he’s constantly telling me “It’s time for bed!” even when I’m not ready. We compromised and I bought a little nightlight that I leave on while I’m reading a book late in bed, so he can go to sleep in semi-darkness. Glad we’re not the only ones with this issue!
Hubs is a real night owl (goes to bed around 2 or 3AM; but then, he doesn’t have to be at work ’til around 10AM), and I…not so much. (It’s all relative, tho’ — I usually hit the hay at around midnight.)
We do what TriciaJ does — he comes to bed w/ me and sometimes we both read for a while. I sack out and then he toddles off to watch TV or mess around on the computer.
I’m always begging him to stay in bed w/ me (he says, “What’s the difference, I’m in the house, and you’re sleeping anyway, you can’t tell if I’m here or not!), tho’. It’s just comforting to have him there. Plus, sometimes I get really freaky nightmares that completely terrify me. I know, I sound like I’m three. (Does anyone else have bad dreams if they sleep on their back?!)
This is one of my and FI’s perpetual discussions.
FI works 2nd shft- and gets home at 11:30pm.
I work from home- and work normal business hours.
We try to compromise, I stay up until he gets home, stay up for a little while, and he will in turn go to bed with me… even if he doesn’t fall asleep. Most of the time he says, he lays there until I fall asleep then gets up and meanders around.
It’s the best compromise we can find at the moment. -and it’s working out well
TriciaJ–Mr Blueberry tucks me in, too! He always turns on the fan, takes my glasses off me, sets my morning alarm and kisses me goodnight. It’s one of our favorite rituals!
I’m with TriciaJ and Mrs. Blueberry. FI is rarely tired as early as I am. So, in general, he tries at least a few times a week to try to go to sleep when I do. If he isn’t tired at all, he just comes up and makes sure to kiss me goodnight before I fall asleep. It works out pretty well.
we are on similar schedules, but some nights I go in and either lay down or read for a while. And there are times when he goes to bed first. My mom is a morning person and my dad a night person, but they use those few hours to get their personal time so it was great for them.
I like all the little rituals we have when we go to bed, or as the Dear Abby put it: retire: the shutting down of the house, the tired shuffle into the bathroom, the contest of “who can make the other person spit out their toothpaste with silly faces”, and the first sigh of slipping into bed after a long day.
There are days when I have to miss it because of scheduling, work, one person’s brain won’t shut down etc. It bites. It make me feel all out of sync.
PrincesskittyHI, I get night terrors and absolutely can’t sleep unless my guy is sleeping between the me and whatever door is in the room.
FI stays up later than me, but I’ve found that since we’ve moved in together, I try to hang in there a little later until he’s ready to go to bed. We both get up around the same time, but I leave before he does.
I like going to sleep together & waking up together. That’s one of the fun things about living together/being married.
Haha - Too funny. Guess opposites do attract. I’m the morning person and my hubby likes to stay up late. To make things worse I get grouchy/whiney as I get tired - and often hit a wall - I’m done, get me to a bed now!
One of our initial issues was with the dogs. Who’s turn was it to let them out before bed - who’s turn was it to let them out at 5am. We solved this easily - at night he’s on dog duty - in the morning it’s my turn. Works out perfectly - and no more ‘it’s your turn’ battles 
I actually kinda of enjoy my 2-3 (sometimes more!) hours on the weekend when I’ve been up with the dogs, drinking my coffee on the porch, catching up on my DVR shows the hubby doesn’t like, enjoying my favorite part of the day in peace. I have time to make him a delicious breakfast for when he does wake up!
In the evenings sometimes I’ll just snuggle in with him and sleep on the couch while he watches TV. I get to snuggle - He gets to watch TV. Another win-win.
I do love the nights we go to bed together. The world slows down, no TV in the background, the best conversations about life
[He's also learned if he's planning to put the moves on me he better start early!! The only thing I want to do after 10pm is sleep! ;)]
This is the same thing for us, but roles reversed. I get sleepy early like 10 oclock latest… but ever since I’ve been going out with my fiancé I dont go to bed before midnight. 
I understand that he wants to see me more… but at the same time, i am tired! Im happy to see that im not the only one with this issue….
but with time, I will go to bed at the time that i want. Hopefully
Haha, reading this post, I thought, “Did I write that Dear Abby letter in my sleep and not know it?!”
I climb my little butt into bed weeknights by 9:00 to watch the news (I’m a loser!) while fiance likes to stay up until 10:30/11. He enjoys his quiet, alone time (as do I) and occasionally, when we haven’t had much time together he heads in to watch some of the news with me. Weekends are slightly different. and only on Friday and Saturday nights does he [occasionally] get frustrated by my “early to bed early to rise” way of life…
My fiance gets home from work when I would like to be in bed already. When he lived alone, he would come home and read email, etc., until 3 a.m. On weekends I would invariably end up staying up much later with him than I intended and it really made the start of the work week difficult for me.
He just moved in and so far he has come home from work and gone straight to bed with me, leaving email for the morning. Hopefully this will put us on more similar schedules!
my now-husband and i always go to bed at the same time. sometimes, one of us will doze off on the couch for a bit, but we always go upstairs and get into bed together. if one of us is not yet sleepy, we’ll read, watch TV, or browse the internet on our laptops for awhile.
for us, i don’t think it’s a control issue at all, but like miss kiwi said, it’s very “cozy”. i love that we unwind and end our days together.
this is such a relevant post and i didn’t think anyone would ever right about it, so i’m glad you did!
i always feel a little sad when i go to bed at a different time than my husband. like you, i’m a night owl, and hubby usually is too, but as an intern he has to wake up super early and now goes to sleep early. part of me feels lonely when i crawl into bed knowing that he is already in a deep sleep and now i have to “sleep by myself” and i find it harder to do that when we’re not going to sleep together. is this weird??
My fiance and I pretty much only go to bed at the same time if he’s “trying to put the moves on me,” as Jillian put it. We have very different schedules - I have a 9-5 job, and he is a freelancer who works from home and is a major night owl (usually comes to bed at 2 or 3 am). I actually don’t mind going to bed at separate times at all. I fall to sleep much faster without him tossing and turning next to me, which he will inevitably do, because he’s never tired at my bedtime. If he tries to keep me company when I’m trying to fall to sleep, he’ll have the TV on or try to work on his laptop next to me and I always end up kicking him out of the room after a few minutes. I just can’t fall to sleep with background light or noise.
We are almost exactly the same! I like to stay up to watch “The Daily Show” (even later when I don’t have to work the next day) and DH would go to bed at 8 PM if he could. We have just adjusted to being on different schedules, and I don’t think it makes us less loving, etc. And every now and then one of us will compromise and do what the other wants to do. Weekend mornings afford lots of cuddle time, too.
I think DH just biologically needs more sleep than I do, cause he will go to bed early, nut sleep just as late. Or maybe I am not getting enough sleep?
i would rather go to bed and wake up at the same time, just cuz i like doing things together…or maybe i’m dependent??? i usually have to wake up earlier than him (and unfortunately i am a perpetual snooze-buttoner while he’s a light sleeper…how does he put up with it? but that’s a different topic) and feel kinda down if he’s still in bed by the time i leave, but it’s not a big deal.
I start drifting off to sleep on the couch, and he lets me sleep there until he’s ready to go to bed. He tries to make me go to bed but I just refuse until he comes with me.
I’m totally a night owl - it all started when I was a kid and my brother and I would stay up and watch cheesy movies till 2am. Then it was perpetuated in college and grad school, when I would pull all-nighters fairly often to get things done. Nowadays, I just don’t get tired until at least midnight, and I am really sensitive to caffeine that I had any time during the day. My fiance on the other hand, is totally regulated, and likes his 8 hours of sleep, preferably between 11:30pm and 7:30am!
We deal by getting into bed at the same time, cuddling for a little while. Then he drifts off to sleep while I read or do something that makes me sleepy. Sometimes I’ll get up and out of bed if I really can’t sleep, but luckily he’s a heavy sleeper so it doesn’t wake him up.
I like to wake up and go to bed at the same time as my fiance too!!! He can just go to sleep whenever but it’s hard for me to go to bed without him now, unless I’m really really tired. I am probably just clingy. Poor Miss Kiwi!
Okay, just to update….last night my guy went to a friend’s concert. There was going to be a few bands before they went on, so I knew it would be a late night. I said I probably shouldn’t go because I’ll want to get to bed at a decent time and it was Thursday night.
Turns out that once my guy left, I watched Harry Met Sally twice and cleaned the house. Once the commentary version was over, I popped in Sleepless in Seattle and cleaned some more. My guy got home, and we finally got to bed at 2:00 AM. Was it some mad cleaning disease? Some random case of insomnia? Nope. I just wanted to go to bed together. Sigh.
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Mrs. Kiwi, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation in 06: 27, Bookkeeper
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, P.E. Teach/Coach @ private schools in LA
Engagement Date: March 31, 2006
Wedding Date: November 3, 2007
Venue: Radisson Hotel
About Me: I'm a bookkeeper who failed high school algebra. I'm currently living in Los Angeles, literally a street over from where I grew up with Mr. Kiwi, my honey of three years. We have a jumbo mini-dachshund (seriously, he's huuuuge), and we're planning an autumn themed wedding on a shoestring, paid for by ourselves. The wedding date is my late grandma's birthday, I needed her there somehow, and that seemed like the best way for us. I can't believe I'm a Bee! I couldn't be more proud!
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