Since we announced our engagement back in April/May, the questions when and where we’ll marry come in first and second in terms of popularity, but coming in a very close third is who - as in who will marry us.
For some people, this is an easy question to answer. They’ve had religious affiliations since they were born, so if they don’t have a specific person like a pastor, they at least have an idea of the church and the type of ceremony that will be performed to forever bond them to their significant other. For a lot of these couples, how they will be bound together under God is what the day all about. For Mr. Hummingbird and I, well, not so much.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a lot of friends and family who feel this way. BIL Hummingbird and his wife, who are to be part of our wedding party, are devout Christians and a large part of their wedding was about their spirituality. It was very meaningful to them and a very beautiful thing to witness, as they were not only celebrating their relationship but reaffirming that relationship in the church they’ve spent years worshipping at.
As for us, it’s a totally different story. Though my mother was Catholic, I’ve only sporadically attended Catholic church. Up until this point, the only religious ceremony I have ever been an official participant in was my Christening, which was done back in 1983 under the United Church. And as for Mr. Hummingbird, he has never attended church, instead adopting some Neo-Paganism practices in his late teens, before abstaining from any and all religion entirely.
To get married in a church, for me, seems wrong. I mean, it may not bother some people, and that’s fine, to each his own, but being “Christian for a day” does not sit right with me.
That said, in the face of this upcoming life change, I find myself wondering what we can do to make the ceremony part of our day special and meaningful for us. With every day that passes, I am more and more eager to make things official and to marry my love, my partner, and my best friend, but since we’re not your typical God-fearing couple, I’m still trying to figure out how to put a little ceremony in our ceremony.
Has anyone else been having this problem? What got you through it? Are there any good ceremony planning books out there? 
It’s the same for me. My parents are Catholic, and I was born Catholic, but I always knew (ever since I was 7) that it wasn’t right for me, but I did the church thing for them until college. My fiance and his family were never strict on religion…they went to church because of the company.
It’s kind of hard to explain to people that we don’t want a religious ceremony. They think it’s odd…hey, we’re paying for the wedding; not you. you don’t get to criticize! My sister has even gone far enough to say that I shouldn’t get to walk down the aisle…bless her soul and thank goodness she is accepting our beliefs.
Anyways, we’ve asked a good friend to marry us. He will get ordained…somewhere online…And we’re coming up with the ceremony ourselves…so many possibilities! Thankfully, I have 1 year and 9 months to go…hehe!
My fiance and I aren’t particularly religious in the organized way, though I suppose we’d both consider ourselves spiritual in some way. So even though I was raised Catholic, getting married in a church was not an option in either of our minds - we wanted to design our own ceremony, but needed help.
We stumbled across a wonderful woman named Reverend Rebecca, who is a liberal minister based in Chicago. She really impressed us with her kind and gentle nature, vast knowledge of music, literature, and cultural traditions (we wanted to incorporate Arabic poetry and Korean wedding traditions - not a problem, she already had ideas on the spot!), and professionalism.
Her web site is a great source for ideas in general, and if you want to contact her, she really is lovely:
Good luck!
with regards to my sister…i meant to say that she is NOW accepting us and our beliefs…took her a while though!
This makes me think of the whole “religious ceremony vs. civil union” debate, but I’ll try to steer clear of that here.
I just did a Google search for “non religious wedding” and a few good starting resources popped up. I’d say that most everything that was in our ceremony didn’t have a religious connotation, so I don’t think it would too difficult to seperate the two.
Maybe instead of blessing the rings, you could have a recognition of the rings. And instead of a prayer, you could have a reading. It’s still a ceremony, even if you don’t issue God an invitation.
We aren’t a God-fearing couple either. All I have to say is: Justice of the Peace. This site has TONS of them http://www.ontariocourts.on.ca/ontario_court_justice/jp_ocj.htm for Toronto.
Most Justice of the Peace have examples of vows and wedding ceremonies that you can use, and most of them are happy for you to create your own vows and your own creative ceremony!
I hope this helps. And I’m with you - I’m not into being Christian for a day either- it just doesn’t seem right, just not “us”.
Good luck!
We were in the same situation, with no real religious ties. I was okay with a little religion in the ceremony, but my hubby wanted none! Mostly I was worried about what some religious aunts might say about a completely secular ceremony. In the end I’m glad we did it our way because it was so much more us. And everyone comented on how personal and unique our ceremony was.
We found a non-denominational minister who was okay with leaving religion out of the ceremony and worked with us. My tips for making it meaningful:
-Pick readings and music that are meaningful to the two of you and your relationship.
-Write your own vows! Hubby totally upstaged me here…he had everyone crying, even the guys.
-You can still follow a traditional religious ceremony format without the religion–ours had the welcome, commitment to wed, two readings, vows, ring exchange, a “blessing,” and pronouncement of marriage. You could do a unity ceremony too.
Hope that helps!
i attended the unitarian church for much of my childhood (age 7 to 18) and i recommend looking into them and their ministers. they are “non-credal,” which basically means they recognize that each person has their own spiritual beliefs and focus on social justice and equality. unitarian ministers ofter perform wedding ceremonies because this appeals to a lot of people without their own church community. as it turns out, i’m going with a catholic ceremony (my extended family and my fiance are catholic) but if we hadn’t gotten along so well with the priest, we’d be going this route.
My FI and I come from two completely different religious backgrounds, so we’re having a non-religious ceremony. I don’t think anyone in our family minds since they tend to be more upset if one person is forced into a religious wedding ceremony that they have nothing to do with.
FI & I are both like you - it seems wrong to pretend to be religious just to get married in a church. We never attend church except on Christmas… and that is only to make the parents happy! However, we still wanted a “spiritual” ceremony. Turn’s out we found a female Rabbi (we are both grew up Christen mind you) who is wonderfully warm and has no problem doing non-denominational weddings with as much or as little spirituality as you want! She is giving us lots of great suggestions on how to organize the ceremony as well as ways to make it feel very “us”. If that hadn’t worked out, one of my friends who is ordained was going to officiate. Good luck!
We’re having a similar (but different,) situation.
Boyfriend’s family is Church of Christ, which is a pretty serious-buisness church. I’m Jewish.
We originally started looking at options to integrate both of our faiths into our ceremony (Jewish traditions like breaking the glass and some old-testament bible verses) while having both a Rabbi and a Preacher… but when I approached my Mom about it, she requested there be no religion involved at all. We started looking at options for a Civil ceremony, but it all seemed so informal; none of our family friends were judges and the person we would have to choose would not be familiar with us at all.
Finally, we came to the conclusion that someone who knew and loved us should conduct the ceremony, but were stuck trying to decide who we should ask; his father? A family friend? We settled on a friend of ours who is willing to take the post with a certain sense of gravitas yet put some personality into the position.
He was ordained through the Universal Life Church, and is pumped to conduct our ceremony. We’ll write our vows, find some nice poetry and have him speak on the topic of love. We just want the ceremony to be simple and meaningful - and reflect our personalities.
It’s just another one of the many options! 
PS - We just went to a wedding where the Groom was Jewish and the Bride was raised an Athiest. The ceremony was conducted by a Rabbi with many traditional Jewish symbols; for me, it was a little weird and uncomfortable. But that’s what they wanted, so who am I to judge?
I liked the traditional aspect of the church wedding but neither of us are religious. Here in NZ we’re really lucky that we can have a civil ceremony and get married by a celebrant and still have “religious” elements, like the hymn and the Corinthians reading. If we were in the UK, you’re not allowed to have anything religious at all in a civil ceremony - even with music
We are in the same position & deceided to go with a judge. We called a couple and found our perfect match. He does weddings all the time and had tons of ideas and suggestions for the ceremony. We haven’t finalized anything for the ceremony yet but we left with alot of ideas of what we can do.
I was raised in the Presbyterian church, my FI in the Catholic. He hasn’t been to mass in years and I never found a church home in my new community. Luckily, my uncle is a minister and will marry us (and the state I live in allows out-of-state ordained ministers to perform weddings) which is great because we both really respect and love my uncle. With that said, it has still been a balancing act, we are having an outdoor ceremony and we are stepping away from some traditional Christian traditions. We are having secular music and readings and a few prayers too. It’ll be a blend, but I believe it will represent us and will be welcoming to the community that we are gathering together for our special day.
We “wrote” our own ceremony and used “The Wedding Ceremony Planner”… let’s see if this link works: http://www.amazon.com/Wedding-Ceremony-Planner-Essential-Important/dp/1402203438/ref=sr_1_1/002-5825510-7773653?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1192050556&sr=8-1
It was a huge help! And it really made it feel like it was our own unique ceremony. Yeah, yeah - I know I used a book widely available to the general public - but, you know what I mean!
Us too — we went with a judge. (My mom works for a law firm, so she knew one personally, which was a nice “family” touch — it wasn’t a total stranger.) We didn’t want “church for a day” since we are very much not religious, and just felt very funny about it. I was also very hesitant about getting a “non-demoninational” priest b/c I’d gone to weddings where people had them, and it was still too much God for my taste. Just a personal thing. But I do think that it’s possible to find one who is more accomodating to your wishes. I think the key is to find someone who respects your wishes, whether they are religious or not.
If you ask at the office where you get your license, they will probably have a list of judges who offer their services, if that’s the route you want to go. You could also go get legally married at a judge’s office, and then ask a friend or family member to “officiate” a ceremony if you are nervous about the whole “ordained online” thing. (You don’t have to tell anyone that you’re already legally married.)
Mr. Oakley and I got married this past Sunday! (I had to go back to work on location today til December which is why I’m here, but that’s another story.) We are totally lapsed Catholics, and he is basically an Atheist now. We had his best friend from high school marry us and we spent months working on the ceremony so that it would be emotional and meaningful for us and for those who attended. We picked some wonderful readings that were beautiful (songs, poems, etc.) and incorporated some lovely stories that really helped shape the idea of love and spirit. We wrote our own vows.
There wasn’t a dry eye in the house and we got many compliments on how emotional the ceremony was. Even my MIL (who made us have a ‘fake’ wedding with a ‘rent-a-judge’ because she was offended by the idea of a friend marrying us - another long story) had to admit afterwards that we did it right.
If you’re not feeling God you can still feel spirit - and humanity. Because at the end of the day, there is something incredibly meaningful about standing up in front of everyone you know and pledging your love and devotion to one another.
As far as a church goes, I spent the summer after college working at Yosemite National Park. IMHO, there is nothing more spiritual and closer to ‘God’ than nature. Go outside!
Just look at it as an awesome opportunity to do whatever you want to express and proclaim your love to each other! It may seem daunting, but at least you get to be creative
Neither of us are religious either, but we’re lucky. Our friends are pagan and licensed to perform marriages. They are helping us customize our entire wedding and willing to use any religious or cultural things we want. Now we just have to write our ceremony which is very daunting to FI!
My fiance is Buddhist, but I am not religious at all. I am, however, philosophical as that was my major and philosophy is what I’m getting a graduate degree in so for our wedding, we are having my mentor/college professor perform a philosophical/semi-Buddhist ceremony. I think it’s perfect, unique, and so much more “us”. I also can’t wait to see the looks on the guests’ faces when my professor goes into Kierkegaard’s rotation of crops (don’t ask)!
That said, I think you can definitely find a suitable ceremony that fits your beliefs, and it will all the more meaningful!
Many of my friends who have been in the same boat as you got married by Humanists. I’m not really sure what exactly they are but each ceremony they have performed was completely different.
I’ve never understood why only qualified people can perform marriage ceremonies.
I was raised Catholic but my fiance wasn’t ever raised with any religious background.
He told me right away if I wanted to get married in a Catholic church then he would do anything to make that possible. I thought it was extremely sweet of him, but since I don’t go to church anymore, I didn’t want to have a Catholic ceremony. I really, really wanted an outdoor wedding and that could not be possible while having a Catholic wedding.
We happen to be good friends with a judge, so he was more than happy to perform our ceremony. We haven’t talked with him yet about what is going to take place in the wedding, but I am very excited that it will be performed by someone that isn’t a complete stranger.
My mom works for the bishop but is surprisingly fine with our outdoor, secular wedding. We plan on having our marriage validated by the church after, that was all my mom asked that we did. But that isn’t a big deal to do.
I’d second the Humanist suggestion. I went to a friend’s wedding (he was Church of England, she was Muslim) and they had a lovely ceremony conducted by a Humanist celebrant.
Hey Miss Hummingbird — we had a similar issue. Mr. Onion’s mother is very religious and is even performs wedding ceremonies for others. I grew up attending a Congregational Church but my parents have long since stopped going. So neither of us were particularly religious.
Check out my ceremony post “I am happy where you are” - http://tinyurl.com/255caf
My ceremony program text is there so you can see how we made it more personal and less about God. This could be done in a garden, a cool modern space — wherever.
The best ways to make a ceremony personal is to use poems and music that is meaningful for you. I did a lot of searching on-line for readings, suggested “ceremonies” that brought two people together.
We used poems as readings — “Marriage Advice from 1886″ by Jane Wells read by mother of the groom and “Tin Wedding Whistle” by Ogden Nash read by mother of the bride.
We used non-religious music — “There is no greater love,” a beautiful jazz standard and “Better Together” by Jack Johnson as our musical interludes and “Wouldn’t it be nice” by the beach boys as our recessional.
Also we had a “hand ceremony” which I’d be happy to share the text — it was much more meaningful to us than a unity candle lighting or something like that. Hope this is helpful! Good luck in your planning.
Because we got married in Colorado, it is legal for couples to solemnize there own wedding. So instead of having a priest or other officiant. Me and my husband wrote the ceremony ourselves. Including some scottish traditions and a touch of our religious beliefs as well. We then asked our parents to read different parts of the ceremony and we wrote ou rown vows and ring exchanging statement. It was perfect! We had everything we wanted in it, but nothing that we didn’t. We were really careful not to just put stuff in because it was traditional or normal. If it didn’t mean anything to us, it didn’t go into the ceremony.
Our situation was similar to yours as well. However, we had one lone super religious catholic family member making a bit of a stink. Since we were paying, she didn’t get her way on the church, however I chose to include a religious element by a reading. I found that all of the ‘freelance officiant’ options that I met with were more than happy to customize the ceremony to my particular needs be it religious or not. I picked our officiant based on message board recos and a gut feeling after we met, and it worked out well. He even did the religious reading in Spanish. (My MIL speaks little english) which made this small religioius nod even more special for her. And, I didn’t mind as I understand a word her said ; )
OOPS, I meant to say, ” I didn’t mind as I DIDN’T understand a word he said ; )
[...] kind of meal or a certain kind of dress, so I didn’t feel any guilt about choosing to do a civil ceremony, a buffet dinner with an Ewok village cake or a dress made in a design of my choosing (still [...]
Mrs. Hummingbird, Toronto
Age and Occupation: 25, Publishing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Videogame Designer/Cartoonist
Engagement Date: May 4, 2007
Wedding Date: June 28, 2008
Blogging Since: September 18, 2007
Venue: A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.
About Me: I’m a pop culture loving, vintage obsessed foodie living in Canada’s biggest city with my fantastic fiancé and our lovable fluffy cat Bettie. I’m stoked to marry my best friend and to throw what I hope will be
the most fun and colourful party of our lives.
I struggled with this as well. Mr Penguin is Catholic, went to church every sunday as a boy, although now hes more of a “christmas and easter” Catholic. I am absent of any religion entirely, and it was hard to find a “happy medium” for a truly meaningful ceremony for us. I didnt want to hire some minister whom I never met just to marry us…to me it makes no sense. We struggled with what to do until my MOH’s mother (a wonderful public speaker and prominent in the community) offered to officiate our wedding, despite never having done one before. She is such an important person to us, and she’ll say whatever we want her to and add her own personal touch, meaning that we’ll get the exact ceremony we want, and thats the most important thing to us. I’ve yet to find a book on ceremonies, but I’d love to hear if anyone else out there has one that they’ve used and liked.