As an only child (of an Irish Catholic - how this happened I will never know), I have to admit, I’m fairly close to my parents. Unlike Mr. Hummingbird’s parents, mine have been together for almost 30 years and so I grew up in nuclear household, spent a lot of time with my folks (constant family dinners, outings and vacations) and came to see them almost as friends as I aged. Even though I moved out three years ago, I talk to them on the phone every few days and see them as a unit a couple of times a month. Plus, since my dad works not too far from where I live, he and I have dinner dates the second Tuesday of every month.
Anyway, when I called home a couple months ago, my mom answered the phone and sounded upset. She wouldn’t tell me what was wrong right away but after I badgered her for a couple of minutes, she caved and told me my dad was sick, that he had come down with a stress-induced nerve infection and was in a bit of pain. Thankfully, he went to the doctor right away (unlike like most of us in my bonehead family - I had strep throat for almost two months because I was convinced that I would just get better) and it’s under control now, but the incident freaked me and upset me a little because it was the first time since I moved out that I really wanted to be home and couldn’t . . . because it hit me that that wasn’t really where I belonged anymore.
I know it might sound a little lame, but it was the first time since Mr. Hummingbird and I got engaged that I really stopped and realized how, by getting married, we are officially creating our own home and our own family. It’s a good feeling for sure, knowing that we can blaze our own path, but it’s a little scary too, thinking about how this step will also be a step farther away from the parents who have been there to love and support me for the past 25 years.
It’s strange. Of all the feelings I expected to feel about getting hitched, I did not expect to feel freaked out about leaving behind my parents, especially years after I moved out.
Has anyone else had these feelings? How did you cope with them?
Miss Hummingbird: I totally feel you! I am very close to my parents and extended family. Mr. C and I are staying at my parents’ house right now and I feel I have the best of both worlds– all the people I love under one roof. But I know we will move soon into our own home and I started to get sad. But then I realized that my parents will only be a 15 minute drive away and they will ALWAYS be a part of my life. I’m always welcome to visit and have dinner or just hang, even though I’ll probably never stay overnight again. Plus, there are so many family functions that it won’t really be a problem.
Think about it like you’re adding to the family (a great addition like Mr. Hummingbird!) instead of leaving and it’ll make a huge difference.
This post really hit me close to home. I’m an only as well, and my dad ran his business out of his home, my mom a housewife, so we too were a really nuclear family. This is something that I constantly worried about, LONG before I got engaged. I knew me leaving for college would be hard on my parents, my mom especially, because my parents strangely dont have lots in common, although they still retained a “solid marriage”. When I left, my mom dealt with the realization that she and my father REALLY didnt have much in common but me…my sports, my schooling, my life. I guess they were a “mom” and a “dad” for so long, they really forgot how to be a “couple”…you know what I mean? My mom went through a minor depression of sorts, and I really felt the “need” to move back closer to home after college (and of course I wanted to, i really didnt do it just for her, but she helped). Now that I’m getting married, I fear that it might happen again…my only savior is that my parents bought a vacation home in my mom’s home country (thailand) recently, so really, its like one day they will “leave me” and not the other way around…which is really a lot of weight off of my shoulders, so I got lucky on that one. I often wonder if they did that for me as well, they always made a big point to tell me how much they were scrimping and saving for their retirement so that “they wouldnt be a burden on me”…which I thought was a very wierd thing to say to a child, but now realizing that they said this a lot because they knew it was a lot of pressure for 1 child to care for 2 parents, after they were fortunate enough to have lots of siblings to help care for their own elderly parents with failing health.
Being an only child is a lot of pressure once your parents become older and more fragile. Its comforting to see other people share these experiences.
Gosh I cried every night for about a year… we moved 1000 miles away immediately after getting married so it was pretty tough.
This post makes me want to call up my family.
My family is small (mom, step-dad, and younger sister 16 years apart) and very close as well. My mom especially, was my best friend, so I know the transition you’re going through. There are times when no matter how much I think I’ve got this whole grown up, independent thing down, I still need my mom and just going over there makes me feel better.
It was worse during holidays because I had spent every Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. I wasn’t going to be a part of every family tradition, and I didn’t realize how much I’d miss that. I remember going over to his Dad’s family for Christmas Eve and feeling sad and homesick. My guy was and is always there for me, but that first year was hard. I’ve since gotten the hang of it, and now we carry on our own traditions (a mix of his family’s and mine) and hang out with them when we can.
It’s definitely a transition, but my mom would say that it’s all part of being a couple.
Such an outstanding post! I think all of us feel this at one point or another. I know I did when I first moved out of my family home. Last Christmas when hubby and I went to visit my parents I realized just how much I missed having them around. We had lived away from them for nearly 4 years at that point. There’s nothing wrong with growing up and making your own “home”, but deep down I think you always miss the home you grew up in, especially if you are close to your family.
As everyone else has said, you are not alone in your feelings. I’m 12 hours away from everyone in my family, with them in Wisconsin (parents) and Minneapolis (sister) and me in the middle of Pennsylvania. And to add onto it, my dad is also sick with a blood illness and is on all of these experimental drugs. I also too feel like I’ve abandoned them and it’s gotten even harder since we’re getting married in Wisconsin. Thankfully I’m headed to Madison for my job next weekend so I get to see the reception venue they’ve booked, meet with the pastor and try on the dress for them, so I’ll feel a little more included. Isn’t that strange, that I don’t even feel like I’m a part of my own wedding since I’m not doing most of the legwork?
But it seems like a lot of us have been there with regards to missing parents. I’d like to move closer to the midwest, especially when we have kids. This will be the first Christmas that someone else besides the four of us (my family) are at our house for Christmas morning as my fiance will be there. That’s going to be weird. And I don’t even know what I’m going to feel when the day comes that we go to his parent’s house. I’m not going to like that in the least, but I guess that’s one of those marriage compromise things. However, I was informed that since he is coming with me, I get half the amount of presents this year. Which I feel is total crap, but they are paying for most of the wedding, so I should probably just zip it. 
Miss Hb,
I can’t say I can relate but I just wanted to say how sweet that was. I truly do. I am glad to hear your dad is doing just fine now.
Mrs. Hummingbird, Toronto
Age and Occupation: 25, Publishing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Videogame Designer/Cartoonist
Engagement Date: May 4, 2007
Wedding Date: June 28, 2008
Blogging Since: September 18, 2007
Venue: A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.
About Me: I’m a pop culture loving, vintage obsessed foodie living in Canada’s biggest city with my fantastic fiancé and our lovable fluffy cat Bettie. I’m stoked to marry my best friend and to throw what I hope will be
the most fun and colourful party of our lives.
I love this post because I feel the exact same way. I’m very close to my parents, especially my mom who I consider my best friend. It’s been hard enough living in Chicago while they are in Los Angeles– I feel like I never seem to see them enough and while we talk on the phone constantly, I still feel that gulf from not being there in person.
But I’ve also started to feel a sense of sadness now that I’m getting married and will officially be on my own and out of the nest (even though I haven’t lived at home in 9 years!)
Even though you’re marrying Mr. Hummingbird and starting your own family, you can keep your family as close as you want. It obviously won’t be the same as it was when you were a child, but being close to your parents is a really special thing. You don’t have to give it up just because you’re married. Through frequent family get-togethers, phone calls, etc. you can still maintain those close ties with your family.