I just had a horribly vivid dream that Mr. Peony had cheated on me with several different girls. I woke up covered in sweat, with half-moon crevices neatly dug into my palms by my nails because my fists were clenched so tightly. I was tempted to wake up Mr. Peony but I knew that it was just a dream.
I continued to think about the dream well after I woke up and I asked myself what I would do if Mr. Peony had cheated on me now, during our engagement. Would I cancel the wedding and break up with him? Probably. But the more I think about it, the harder it must be….not only due to the wedding cancellation, but because of the emotional attachment and investment on my part. I actually began to sympathize with the women who decide to stay in their marriages after their spouse had cheated.
I remember reading once that infidelity can actually make a relationship stronger because it really makes you question why you were together in the first place. But would you chance it? Or would you pick up everything and leave?
I made the mistake once to stay with a cheater. I decided to give him a second chance. I know each person is different, but this guy tried to get a third…fourth…fifth chance. Not just with me, but with his girlfriends after me…and, as I found out later, before me. It would depend on the situation, but I am 98% sure I would leave my fiance (husband eventually) if he cheated on me. That trust is really, really hard to regain and I don’t think it’s would be worth it.
i think that it would be very difficult to make the relationship work because the loss of trust would be humongous. i think that both people should examine what happened and why. and then part their ways to give time to heal and reflect.
ps - i think i had a lot of cheating dreams leading up to the wedding. i still have them on occasion and wake up so mad! poor mr. bee. 
I personally expect fidelity in marriage, but I have not (yet?) experienced infidelity.
However, NPR recently reviewed the nonfiction book about approaches to love around the globe, “Lust in Translation” and it was intriguing.
Basically infidelity receives greater acceptance around the world, compared with the US.
For example, in France, infidelity within a marriage is accepted as part of the pair’s lifelong love story. A husband senses that his wife has strayed and senses when the affair has ended, but doesn’t confront his wife the way an American would.
It was interesting that cheating is viewed as a symptom of a problem in the marriage, and not the problem itself, as here.
Another example: In Japan, because the cultural norm is for women to marry men who are “responsible” and not “romantic,” wives tend to expect infidelity from their husbands, but they are greatly distressed if their husbands let them know or find out about the affair.
I would leave him. If he did it while engaged, you will always have trust issues and they would be too difficult to overcome.
I would sell my ring and take a great trip with my sister and hit the stores with her (and pay off some debt).
I’ve always said I would leave. But once you’re married I know it is really tough. Especially if you have kids. But during an engagement, yes _ I think that is the absolute worst and I wouldn’t stay.
I do have friends that have stayed though (not married). I also know FI’s has been cheated on by several exes. I think he is too nice. But he left each and every one of them immediately, much to their regret. But I think we are a “Zero Tolerance” kind of people.
I watched my mom go through it when I was young and she stayed with him until she saw that it wasn’t healthy for me…that I would expect the same thing out of life from my own husband. Her father and father’s mother were also cheaters, so I can’t say how proud of her I am that she broke the cycle. She’s now happily married to a good man who showed me that there’s more to a relationship that what I had experienced.
Cheating was one of those deal breakers for us. So what would we do? Probably have some sort of counselling so we could leave each other on somewhat good terms. But Mrs. Bee is right…it’s hard to imagine unless you’ve gone through it.
Actually it’s hard to imagine either one of us getting what we have together someplace else, so it’s not even a reality. Okay, that might sound like putting one’s head in the sand, but I prefer to be confident. I was pretty darn picky about who I would fall in love with and wasn’t even going to ever get married. But he’s just that cool of a guy. I’m sure my guy could put this so much better than I can, but basically it’s not even an option.
treefrog, I listened to parts of that. It was amazing how little I knew of other cultures and how they handle cheating.
I agree with Mrs. Bee. I answered that I would leave if I were ever cheated on, but that would probably change if it actually happened to me. You never know until it happens to you.
Wow, I’ve been having a lot of these kind of dreams too…what does this mean? I wake up angry and stay angry at my poor FI the whole day. For weeks I was stressing and speculating and talking to my girlfriends didn’t always help. Why was I doubting our relationship so far into the game?
FI and I finally talked about it because he was saying that I was turning into a B! The dreams stopped after our talk but I just don’t know where they came from as I’ve always been pretty secure in my relationship. Bizarre!
As for cheating, I really think it depends on the situation and when it is actually happening to you. I don’t believe that I can honestly say what I would do now.
I have the funniest story. So my fiance had a dream one night where I was a complete slut and cheated on him. Then he wakes up the next morning so pissed off at me. And this guy is never angry at me for anything! Well, a half hour later he finally sheepishly admits that he was angry at me for something I did in his dream. Its never happened since.
I used to have dreams that my fiance cheated on me back when we started dating… but not so much now that we’ve been engaged.
I know I couldn’t give a definitive answer as to what I would do until I was actually in the situation. As much as I loathe men who use the “it was only sex” excuse, I think that “only sex” would be much easier to overcome than an actual emotional attachment in cheating. If a man is roaming elsewhere for some action, I think that can eventually be repaired… but once he has actually fallen for someone else, I think you can only really interpret it that he has started to fall out of love with you…
haha i always have cheating dreams! and i hella give my hubby sh*t for it! lol
infidelity is a definite deal break for me.
i think infidelity makes a relationship stronger like a bullet to the brain makes a body stronger. at least for me.
Hahahaha…yeah, I’ve had some dreams where my guy is a jerk. When I wake up, I’m so angry, but he pulls the ‘hey, you can’t be mad at me for something I didn’t actually do’ card. Then we tickle and all is forgotten.
But it took me a while to figure that out. The first few times it happened, I didn’t even realize why I was so annoyed at him. Poor guy.
Wow, thanks for bringing this up Miss Peony. I remember first reading about this on Weddingbee and how some reader was mad at her SO the next day for what happened in the dream and I thought, wow, how could she be mad at her SO for something he actually didn’t do?! Then I started having these dreams and they are always the ones that feel so realistic. It would bother me for the entire day and I ended up being in that reader’s position and being annoyed with my bf. When I get these dreams, it really makes me question my confidence in my own relationship because it never happened with my ex. I always thought I had these dreams because I was insecure with my relationship. Now that I hear it happens to so many other people, I hope that’s not the case. It scares me because I think that I’ll never get over it. Any psychologists out there know why these dreams happen?
(sorry for the long comment)
wow, really? i’m totally with mrs. spider. cheating is cheating no matter what the situation or excuse.
Definitely a tough question.
Mrs. Spider: I totally agree with you. And I loved your analogy– my sentiments exactly.
But, hey, you never know until you’re in a situation. Like anything else there’s always other parts to evaluate.
Been there…
I always said (before the cheating…) I would leave. I didn’t. I stayed, worked it out and regained trust. Only to have it thrown back in my face 3 years later when he cheated again.
I go back to my original gut on this one, once burned…
Yay for wonderful Mr. Gimpel
I already have trust issues, so I don’t think I’d be able to forgive and forget..
I’ve had a cheating dream on Mr. Violet before too and I’d wake up mad at him like Mrs. Bee. Lol.
OMG. i had the same dream last nite….. and even cried out loud when i was sleeping. My FI got pretty scared thought something happened to me. lol.
So strange that you posted this today because I just had one last night. He didn’t cheat but was flirting with a friend in my dream. I STILL woke up so mad!
I told him about it and he said, “that’s not a dream, that’s a nightmare!” HA! True I guess! I hate the feeling in leaves you with all day though!
Oh and yes, cheating would be a deal breaker anytime before the marriage. Once I’m in it, I would be willing to work at it since I had made the commitment.
When I had very little relationship experience, my feelings on cheating where very clear: If he’ll cheat once than he will do it again. That changed over time especially realizing that there are different forms of infidelity (emotional, purely physical, and a full blown relationship). If a couple has not committed to each other (not meaning marriage necessarily but planning a future together) then cheating, no matter the form, is a deal breaker. Why deal with it if don’t plan on staying together? But if the couple has made a committment, the couple should try to work things out (when cheating occurs once, continual cheating — screw that, he’s out). I say this because committment means more than just pledging your love for the other person. There will be problems in the relationship and the act of cheating is a problem that should be dealt with. I can see how cheating can make a relationship stronger. One would have to be secure in themselves to reveal some very raw feelings while has to be secure enough to take it leaving both to work it all out together.
With all that said, I think that emotional relationships or worse than purely physical ones. The idea of my SO sharing feelings with another person is more troublesome to me because that is a very intimate part of a relationship. A full blown relationship complete with emotional and physical parts is a complete and utter deal breaker. That’s unforgiveable.
By the way, it’s good that you posted this question. I think that sometimes amid all the crazy planning for one day, we forget to think about after the wedding and how to prepare ourselves for marriage.
I have been cheated on in the past, and it’s not a deal breaker for me.
Sure, it SHOULD have been w that ex, but you really don’t know until you are in that situation.
I’ve had those dreams, or should i say…NIGHTMARES! These nightmares include my h2b with girls that are my friends or girls that are his friends. It is one of the worst things. and when i have these nightmares i too take it out on him. Why do these things happen to us?
I was cheated on when engaged. My fiance had a one-night affair with an x-girlfriend and I only found out because she sent him mail stating that she may be pregnant. We were raising our niece (7 yrs old). and I didn’t want to break the family unit up. So we did counseling and he was so sorry. Well we had 3 kids and I never brought it up. We had a very spiritual family life. After 9/11 (NYC FM) everything fell apart. He started talking to someone who he said was a counselor and she wasn’t - and he sneakily exposed our children - and walked out to “care for his parents”. He promised me that he would not exposed the kids again. His dad passed away 2 years ago and his mom passed away this past 12/23 - he had a gf for 6 months (she was at the hospital and me and the kids did not know who she was). Well - everything exploded when he left me in the house and I went downstairs (he paniced) and I found his gf in my children’s bed under the covers. Anyway - we were separated for 4 years but he was extremely and he has exposed the kids but they didnt know who she was. They are 9, 11, and 14 and they feel lied too. He didn’t have to lie - we were separated. Continual cheating is part of a personality disorder. His mom was bipolar and a great deal of her family was also bipolar - so I really think that he got so used to manipulating an lieing to get his mother to do what he and the father wanted - and he carried it into his marriage. I am now done - because I don’t think that he can avoid being sneaky or lieing. Very sad - but a reality. I am very sad because I thought I would be married forever. He apologized and feels horrible and promised not to exposed the chidren. We’ll see.
[...] Cheating by Miss Peony [...]
Mrs. Peony, New York
Age and Occupation: 27, Marketing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, QA Engineer
Engagement Date: June 28, 2007
Wedding Date: April 18, 2008
Venue: The Fountainhead
Blogging Since: August 7, 2007
About Me: Both Mr. Peony and I are huge computer nerds, and our conversations usually consist of the latest gadgets, programming languages, and video games. At the same time, I can also be very girly with an obsession with handbags, makeup, and high heels. And art! I've studied studio art extensively, almost majored in art history, and freelance as a web and graphics designer. Mr. Peony and I are having a ball of a time planning a wedding for 250(!) guests, doing our best to infuse our personalities (geeky chic) with the wishes of our very traditional Asian parents.
I’ve had friends that would always say they’d leave right away if they were ever cheated on, but I have to say they all stayed. It’s hard to say what you’d do unless you actually find yourself in the situation.
Luckily I’ve never been cheated on but I think I could forgive…. I could just never forget. I don’t think I could live with it because of my ocd - life would be hell!