- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee Blog
Last night one of my best friends called me out of the blue. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since the wedding (1.5 months ago) He called because he wanted to see how I’m enjoying my married life. I gave the usual “it’s the same, but it’s not at the same time..”speech. I told him that we should get together soon to chat in person.
Our schedules conflict tremendously. He works late hours and I don’t like to hang out in the city that late now that I live farther away; so I suggested that he swing by and hang out at my place. He hesitated and reminded me that I’m married. Well duh, so what? He went on to explain that now I’m married, that I’ll always have Mr. Violet by my side, so it won’t be as easy to hang out with me privately, without the husband. He won’t be able to talk to me about everything in front of Mr. Violet. My solution for him was that he can come and hang out in my backyard and we can talk privately(so what if the weather is getting a bit crisp and chilly!). I reassured him that just because I’m married, does not mean that Mr. Violet and I are glued to the hip forever!
Then I started wondering. Perhaps he’s not the only one that thinks this way, because it’s been 1.5 month since the wedding and most of my friends have not contacted me, at least not as much as they did before the wedding. I sort of feel alienated but it’s still too early to assume that. Afterall, prior to the wedding I was so stressed out and the last few weeks have really been spent recuperating. I also do realize that it’s been quite busy for everyone; myself included. I really hope that just because my status has now changed, doesn’t mean that I can only hang out with the married crew, because if that’s the case, then I’ll be quite lonely as most of my friends aren’t married yet.
Did you feel a drift with your single friends after getting engaged or married?
I always get that same feeling even right after I get into a new relationship! It’s good to know I’m not alone. I find that at the beginning stages, it’s good to be the one to initiate outings and chats… after awhile, friends start seeing that just because you have someone new by your side doesn’t mean that you don’t ever have time for them 
I’m really glad you posted about this! I have had a few friends express the same sentiment since I was engaged. While I’m not married yet, I think a lot of my single friends (which means basically all of them!) may feel that way. Did you find any way to dissuade him? (an odd note: most of my friends who’ve told me this are male…do you think it’s more of a guy thing?)
this is interesting. as a single person (nevermind why I’m reading a wedding website!) I find the opposite to be true. that is, the married friends drift away, not the singles. they’re always “too busy”, “too tired”, “need to save money”, “going out with another couple” etc etc…to hang out with the few of us who are still without husbands/wives. at least, that’s how it is with my friends. plus, when you’re single you want to go out - my married friends want me to come over or to meet for an early dinner so they can get home. not helping the single situatioin, folks
as a single friend, i’ve felt my married friends have drifted away from me. they’re so caught up in being the wife and taking care of the house and husband that they don’t have time for the rest of us anymore. it was almost as if they decided that we wouldn’t be able to understand their world because we’re not part of it. so sometimes it goes both ways.
it’s especially harder when you have friends who get married that are the opposite sex. it’ll be kind of weird going out alone with your married male friend and vice versa. i can’t really explain why but it’s there.
I totally have seen this happen. I had this same exchange with some of my friends:
Me: It’s great to be out with you guys again. We should do this more often.
Them: Well, now that you’re getting married, you don’t come out.
Me: I don’t come out because you don’t invite me.
Them: We figured you’d be busy, you know, or maybe you wouldn’t want to come, or that you’d leave early.
Me: Well, you never know unless you invite me! And we have you over for dinner or drinks at our place all the time.
Them: Yeah, I guess so.
I don’t know if it’ll never change.
Some of my friends have been married for a couple of years now. When they first got married and I wasn’t engaged yet (I was with my then-boyfriend, now-fiance though, so I wasn’t single), I noticed almost all of them pull away from all but their very closest friends for a long, long time. I gave them some space and didn’t try to contact them for the first month or so after they got married - I wanted to give them time to enjoy each other as husband and wife and catch up on all their wedding wrap-up stuff. But then as time dragged on, I would try to get together and make plans and get blown off again and again and again.
It ruined my friendship with one friend, and almost ruined my friendship with another but I was able to have a frank talk with her explaining my feelings; she hadn’t realized she was doing it, but she had been blowing off all her friends for several months. She’s now one of my bridesmaids but we’re still not as close as we were before her wedding. I think that often when couples get married, they pull away from their social circle for awhile to just be part of their new marital union and that’s okay, but it’s important to remember that your friends still want to be part of your life and you need to maintain social connections other than your husband.
It sounds like you’re one new wife who already knows this, Miss Violet. Maybe it’s a good idea for you to call your friends rather than waiting for them to call you. They might be trying to give you some time to settle in to your new marriage, and they don’t know when to start calling again!
I haven’t noticed it as much since I’ve been engaged, though I have a friend who got married recently and lives abroad, and I wanted to send him an e-mail but I didn’t want to e-mail during the honeymoon and then they were moving in together and were busy with that. Eventually I did e-mail, and he was happy to hear from me.
Luckily, my friends love my FH and have told me that we’re not one of those couples that single people can’t hang around. FH likes to find out about my friends and talk to them about things they have in common.
After we get married though, it’s we who will be moving away, probably cross-country, so I’ll have to make new friends anyway.
You know, I’ve felt this same thing and I have no idea if it’s because people think I’m too busy or what. I’ve made a ton of effort though and am ready to give up. Most of my close friends do not live near me, so I only have emails and phonecalls to keep in touch. Well, it seems like no one can respond to either since my wedding (just over a month ago).
I was worried that my guy’s friends would think I would try to tuck him away forever, so when they would leave a message, I’d hand him the phone. Normally, he’d get to it whenever, but my thinking was that I wasn’t going to be blamed for him not getting back to them. Of course, I’m not sure if this paranoia is just me or if it was because he was the first of his buddies to get married.
Yeah, count me in as a recently married who has experience a little bit of the same.
I am by no means trying to take care of the house or my hubby - Suzy Homemaker I am not - but I have noticed a decline in invites. It stings, so yeah, I am only gonna put myself out there for so long.
I have a male friend who said the same thing to me (and actually in our wedding card wrote “I miss you already” which I thought was weird/inappropriate) but I’ve made an effort to contact him more than before since I got married. Not to say that it’s your fault, but do you usually go 6 weeks or more without talking to this friend? Maybe now that you know his fears you could try to stay more in touch, at least until he knows you two will still be buddies?
Great advice, I’m glad i’m not the only one. It seems that I have a few phone calls to make!
I got married 3.5 years ago, and experienced a definite cooling in the relationships I had. After a couple of months, everyone came back around and discovered that my husband and I are still fun to be with! My male friends made friends with my husband, and once they saw that he wasn’t jealous of our friendship or threatened, things settled down nicely. I think it just takes some time for people to experience you and your husband as a newly married couple before your friendships can adapt.
[...] post brewed up another topic from some of the responses I received. Some comments implied that once [...]
[...] post brewed up another topic from some of the responses I received. Some comments implied that once [...]
i’m already discovering this, and i just got engaged three weeks ago. one of our mutual friends was lamenting a few days ago that she wouldn’t have anyone to hang out with, and i said that my fiancee and i would still be around to hang out with. she said yes, but you’re getting MARRIED. i replied that i’m getting married, not joining a convent!
i am worried that i’ll get caught up in being married and lose touch with my friends, but i know that we’ll work it all out in the end.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Mrs. Violet, New York Age and Occupation: 27, Executive Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Computer Engineer Engagement Date: May 13, 2006 Wedding Date: September 2007 Venue: Westbury Manor About Me: We've been dating since college. In our spare time we enjoy the city life, playing with our dog "Sam", eating our hearts out, and traveling. I also love to DIY. Check out my crafty creations at http://www.waisze.etsy.com.
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 29 | 30 | 31 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
| 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |
| 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 |
| 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 |
Latest Gallery Pics