Wedding Blog
Lately, even though I’ve been trying not to, I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my ex. Not an ex boyfriend mind you, I’m plenty happy to be rid of the lot of them, but my ex best friend, Harmony.
Harmony and I became friends when we were two and three after meeting through our mothers, who attended the same self-defense class. We spent the next two decades growing up together and I considered her to be my closest confidante.
Then, things started to change. Harmony went away to school and became more and more distant until one day she sent me an e-mail saying that she was young and free and travelling and that, if I was going to “stay at home and become a housewife”, we couldn’t be friends anymore.
After I got the e-mail, I cried more than I have over any boyfriend. Mr. Hummingbird (who had never meet her because of what I assumed were “scheduling issues”) tried to console me, saying that I shouldn’t be upset over someone who wasn’t worth being upset over, but I couldn’t help it. I mean, we had been friends for twenty years and now, all of a sudden, this person who I thought of as my sister was gone and out of my life. I was heartbroken.
It’s been over a year since I received that e-mail and for the most part, I haven’t thought about her. After the initial shock, I decided that I’d much rather put my focus on the people that love and support me and it’s been much better for me. In fact, during that time, I’ve actually discovered there are a lot more people in my corner than I realized. My family and friends have been absolutely terrific, especially Greg, who has been my personal cheerleader through thick and thin, and my FSIL Hummingbird who, although I am still kind of getting to know her, has been a huge help and an absolute sweetheart.
But over the past few weeks, as I’ve gotten deeper into planning and realized that Harmony is not with me, I’ve felt a little strange about the whole thing.
Logically, it’s better we’re not friends anymore, but emotionally, it’s been a little tough to reconcile that the picture I had in my head of what this whole thing would look like is not the picture I am faced with in reality.
So what about you ladies out there? Have you ever been through a friend breakup and how did you handle it?
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who cares if you decide to “stay at home and be a housewife?” what makes her better than you just because she’s young and free and traveling the world? women that judge other women for choosing to live a “tradtional” life make me sick. it’s your life and your choice and even if she is your best frined, who is she to judge you if your decision makes you happy?!
anyway, back to your question, it is sad when you have to break up with a friend and i agree with you when you say it’s more painful than breaking up with a boyfriend. girlfriends are the ones who are there for you when the boys aren’t and when that girlfriend decides to ditch you, it hurts, even if her reasons for ditching you are incredibly arrogant and condescending. i’d say just let it go and be happy you have other supportive people in your life. who knows, after she’s old and tied down and not traveling, she may realize she’s made a mistake.
good luck to you!
your story makes me so sad. have you thought about contacting her again?
a year has passed, maybe she’s come to her senses and regrets what she said and did but is just too prideful to bring it up? after a 20 year friendship i would think she would miss you too.
maybe send her an email wishing her well, updating her on your life, and letting her know that you still think of her. at least the door would be open and she could step back in if she so chooses. and you’ll know either way that you tried your best and handled the situation with grace.
Awww, I can’t believe a “friend” of 20 years would say something SO mean to you!! That makes me sad… I am going through a friend-break-up as we speak. While not exactly the same situation as yours, I understand that it is something that eats away at you and hurts!
Miss Humingbird, I know how you feel. I have an ex-best friend too. We had been friends for over 15 years, and at first, it started out with her turning down everything I invited her to, and then one day,she just told me she couldn’t hang out with me anymore because my fiance and I made her “uncomfortable.” She wouldn’t elaborate more than that. I tried to talk to her, but nothing. So I stopped trying and it’s been almost 2 years now. I was, and still, deeply hurt and sad because I pictured her as my Maid of Honor and a big part of my wedding planning. She broke my heart. I am considering inviting her to my wedding as a guest still, but this topic is still debating in my head.
Do you plan to invite harmony to your wedding?
I went through a similar thing with one of my best friends of 10 + years. We went to different colleges but still kept in touch. So when she told me I was not going to be one of her bridesmaids I was confused. She said it would be family only, but in my heart I knew it was more then that. She eventually confessed I would not be in her wedding because I was not a Christian.
I was completely crushed. My best friend had broken my heart. It felt like I’d been broken up with. She still doesn’t know how devastated I was by the experience. At the time, I rationalized keeping my feelings to myself because it was her wedding and I didn’t want to stress her out or take away from her big day by knowing there were bad feelings between us.
So sorry this is long, but I completely understand the way you feel.
Her name does not fit her: we should call her Disharmony….that’s a strange email. It sounds like she has personal issues to take care of. She’s not worth your time. A true friend would never write something like that.
I love that her name is Harmony. OOPS.
I’ve been through friend breakups — more in high school, of course, where they belong 
I don’t have much advice except that it sounds like you’re doing the right thing. Weddings have a way of bringing out strange things in people… I wouldn’t be surprised if she reaches out to you someday (or at least feels like she should).
Good luck 
miss hbird, i understand how you feel. i’ve lost many good childhood friends bc we’ve grown apart. there was one friend who was really close to my heart. after a big falling out, i ran into after years of not speaking to her. it gave me some closure bc i realized that we’ve become two very different people and i was holding onto the idea of her when we were young. it’s ok to let go bc it frees you up to meeting people who really care about you.
I am not inviting my ex BFFs but I am sending them an announcement with a note wishing for the past to be forgotten and even if we can no longer be BFFs they are still dear to my heart.
I’m so sorry, Miss Hummingbird. I know big life moments like marriage and children can change the dynamics of a relationship, but you’d think certain people would stick with you. I’m sorry she’s not one of them.
Maybe as her life also changes, she’ll see that ‘young and free’ isn’t the only thing life has to offer. Or maybe it was just a great thing while it lasted. Kudos to your real friends and family for sticking around.
Miss H, I had the same thing happen to me. My best friend and I “broke up” right before her wedding. Mostly my fault, and it was a huge mistake. Now she’s got two kids and I don’t have a friend who has meant as much to me.
Weddings totally bring these things into your mind, you know? Woulda coulda instances where you wonder what could have been. Hugs to you!
There’s a saying that talks about how people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
I have found it helpful to keep in mind when going through friend break-ups. It still really sucks, though!
Miss HB,
That email from your ex friend sounds like she was having some own personal issues and reflections on her own life. If she were a true friend, she would understand you and support your decisions. It is a sad thing when you break up with a friend. There’s such a long history there. Do you think that you may be able to contact her again just to say hi and let her know you’re still there if she needs you?
I have a friend who just stopped calling, stopped wanting to hang out… just totally stopped anything - for what seems like no reason. But of course, there is a reason, she’s just choosing not to share it. I realized that I can’t make her be the type of friend that I am, but it still hurts anyway.
She is making the trip to come to my wedding, but I think it’s more of a vacation getaway for her, than wanting to share my special day.
I know you miss your friend, but you’re doing the right thing - - appreciating those who are being a friend to you.
Oh that’s so sad! My best friend since high school and I “broke up” just after college. It’s definitely been the hardest break up of my life! I miss her more than any ex-boyfriend. We got back in touch a few years later, and forgave each other - and it was such a blessing. But, our friendship has never been the same and I still miss that. We are still barely even friends, but at least we’re not angry anymore…
You should totally reach out to her - don’t let one stupid comment destroy 20 years of friendship!! You may never be as close as you once were, but it’s amazing what a little forgiveness will do for a broken friendship…
I would also encourage you to reach out to her. I lost touch with one of my best friends from high school and it was mostly my fault (I moved away and became very bad at returning phone calls, etc.) I’ve really regretted it since then, particularly since I got engaged because I couldn’t imagine getting married without him being there.
I called him up lout of the blue last week and he was so happy to hear from me! We got all caught up and he was overjoyed to hear I’m getting married– he said he wouldn’t miss the wedding for the world. And I’m now re-committed to making our friendship work.
Sometimes when enough time passes, it can become awkward to make the first move. She probably regrets what she said and is too embarrassed to initiate contact. I would bet anything she would be so happy to hear from you and hopefully you guys could rekindle your friendship. Keep us updated on what you decide!
Just this past month one of my bestfriends we had been friends for over half our lives, she even lived with my family on and off during times. My parents are usually where she stays when she visits home. Really more of a sister. Last month she asked me for some advice and I in return gave what I felt was good advice, although I knew it wasn’t what she wanted to hear she never asks for advice so I thought perhaps she actually wanted it.
She freaked out. I appologised telling her it was just my advice that she asked for and that I was sorry that I offended her and I loved her and only wanted her to be happy.
She hasn’t contacted me since.
The worst part is that she forgave without an appology another friend who did something that was actually incredibly horrible.
But you know what a true friend doesn’t treat a true friend like that. Her loss.
I’m very sad for you also. I got married 2 months ago and my former bff was not in attendance. My husband and I actually met through her, so it was hard (and weird) for both of us. I missed her a lot as the wedding drew closer, but on the actual day, I was too happy to be marrying the man of my dreams to think of anything else. It’s devastating to watch a long-term friendship fall apart, but you never know what might happen in the future. If you’ve reached out and come up empty, all you can do is walk away. I hope she comes around, as 20 years of friendship down the tubes is tragic.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, Miss Hummingbird. I had a terrible friend breakup 3 weeks before my wedding, when my best friend said something similar to what Harmony said to you, and dropped out of my wedding party. I was really heartbroken, but she called me unexpectedly a year following the wedding, and I forgave her because I’d missed her so terribly. Now we’re back to being close friends. For us, it just took her initiative in getting back in touch and mending things. I hope that your friend will have the same realization, and come to her senses. If she doesn’t, I hope you can take good memories from your years of friendship, and relish in the love that you have now from your fiance and the other people who adore you!
Oh, and we all know that being married and “young and free” are not mutually exclusive! *^_^*. Keep your chin up.
My “ex-BFF” and I “broke up” two years before my wedding, and a year before I met my husband, so it had nothing to do with the wedding. It did have a lot to do with just turning into different people… it hurt me for two years, like you said, I cried over her more than I’ve ever cried over a boy. For two years I tried to figure out what the deal was, I sent her little notes saying “I don’t know what went wrong, but I miss your friendship, and if I hurt you, I’m asking for forgiveness.” I tried again and again, I kept offering the olive leaf, and nothing. Two months before the wedding (and three months before I moved to the other side of the country) I asked if we could just talk. She came over and spent two hours talking about herself, but not about anything REAL. Instead, it was a day-by-day itinerary of her last vacation, and then explaining how one of her friends from college was stupid, and how she hates her sister. She didn’t ask anything about me, my then-fiance, or my life for the past two years. Even when I asked her questions, or volunteered information, it was met with awkwardness, and her changing the subject. More and more throughout the night I realized something: this was not the girl I was friends with. this girl was an incredibly boring, egocentric, socially awkward super-bitch. She’d be more mature at 10 than she was at 22. So even though I still definitely felt the hurt at times after that, I realized there was no way in hell I wanted to be her friend. And when she showed up at my bridal shower (her mom helped throw it) and didn’t say anything and smirked the whole time… and when she let everyone we knew (mutual friends) that she thought I was being stupid… and when she showed up to the wedding (her family was invited) and “couldn’t say anything nice, so she shut her face”… well, I laughed it off. Who was this girl?? She said the same sort of thing to me, about “being a housewife” (I WISH! I’m the full-time worker with a hubby in school), I realized how little she valued any relationships in her life.
And I felt sorry for her. And then I felt good that she was no longer someone I took counsel from, but just a girl I used to know.
Hi Ms. Hummingbird!
I totally went through something similar. Growing up, I never imagined what my wedding would be like–except for my bridesmaids. It was how I organized who was important to me–who would my maid of honor be? who would be the bridesmaids? I always figured that my friend J would be my maid of honor. The bridesmaids came and went as the years went by. Two years ago J and I got into a big fight, and she refused to talk to me for a year and a half, despite my constantly reaching out to her. I decided to extend another olive branch by inviting her to the wedding (I asked her for her address for a save-the-date card). It opened up the lines of communication…she called me, apologized for her part in the fight and told me how much I meant to her. She has really grown up a lot in the past 2 years. We’re beginning to heal our friendship. I’m not sure if I’ll ask her to be a bridesmaid…I still have time (the wedding is in August). We’ll see. I’m not doing a maid of honor.
For me, it was really good for us to “get back together.” Our situation is different from yours, though–I would be SO incredibly hurt by what your friend did to you. Obviously it’s more about her than it is about you, but that still really sucks. 
I’m so sorry!
Ms. Hummingbird,
Yes, I too have had a similar experience as you. I was friends with her all through highschool and have some unbelieveable memories of our friendship. I was around 21, I think ,when she came to visit, she had a funeral to attend. I ofcourse offered her to stay at my house and well thats where it all went wrong. All I know is there was an arguement about a stupid shower curtain rod and well…in 10 min. our friendship was dissolved. I have spoken to her a few times, though I don’t think she was excited to hear my voice and I do like to look in on her life to see how she is. I only want the best for her. Alot of things were said that day she was at my house and til now but in the end….I miss my friend. If I could change that day..I would. All the moments and times I have missed in her life. I want to be there for her like she was for me in my bumpy roads. Just to hear her voice and her truthful advice, saved me from making many stupid decesions. But, obviously that one mistake cannot be lived down. I have tried to contact her and rekindle but at the time I felt so much anger still from her and I decided against it. I hope one day that I will share moments with her and though it may never be the same…be friends again. Sometimes it takes a bad situation to realize that though they hurt you, they really do care/love you. I would urge you to make contact with Harmony. I know that I would give almost anything to speak kindly with my old friend. In my heart she is still my best friend, no one since then has filled my heart like she did. They say time heals all wounds…I wonder if that will ever be true for me and my old friend? Besides, we are the only two members of our self made club NDI. Life is short and we should all live it to the fullest. Maybe oneday, we can make ammends..til then, I encourage you on your thoughts of reaching out. Either way follow your heart. I am hoping oneday my hearts wishes will lead me to her as well…..until then…..
Thanks to everyone who commented on this entry. It was good to hear stories and to know that I am not alone.
As for my situation with Harmony, although I thought a lot about contacting her and inviting her, looking back, our friendship had many issues before this event took place.
We had been out of contact for a few months (I had been e-mailing her with no response) and when she finally did respond, it was with this e-mail, which also included a laundry list of everything she felt I’d done wrong for the past twenty years.
I’m not going to pretend like none of the things on the list were true and I am completely blameless here (over two decades of friendship, especially when you’re young, you can make a lot of mistakes), but mostly, I was just hurt and disappointed that she never talked to me about how she was feeling in the moment so we could have worked past it and stayed friends.
Instead, with the way things went down, I just felt so emotionally drop kicked, I didn’t even want to deal with her anymore, so I never responded.
I highly doubt anything else will happen in our saga, but I do feel sorry about what happened and I truly hope, wherever she is, she’s happy.
This is such a ridiculous story, but I had a similar situation. I had been friends with Geoff for years and years until one day out of the blue he stopped returning my calls. He was never good with returning calls plus I lived 4 hours away so I didn’t really think anything of not seeing/talking to him for a few months. I was home for a weekend just before Christmas and left him a message jokingly accusing him of “avoiding me”. The next day I got a very angry emailing berating me and disclosing that yes, he had been avoiding me. About six months earlier he had told me he’d broken up with a girl he’d been seeing for a few months because she was “too stupid” for him. Two months after that he told me they’d gotten back together and I joked “Why, did she study?” As it turns out, he had been mortally offended by that (I still think it was funny) and never spoke to me again. The email, like yours, included a laundry list of things I had done wrong over the course of our friendship as well as a disparaging remark about my then boyfriend (who is now my husband). It’s been probably 4 years now and it still felt really strange to not have him at my wedding. It’s especially weird because I’m still very close friends with his twin brother.
I know this post was 6 mos ago, but I had to comment…
My BF and I broke up right after I was the MOH in her wedding, many things got us to this point but mainly she started lying to me constantly and when confronted tried to turn the whole situation on me… I appoligized for any thing I did to hurt our situation and she wouldn’t take responsibility for any wrong doing on her part.
Its been almost 3 years… so you’re not alone
[...] I started blogging in the fall, I wrote about a falling out I had with a person I referred to as my best friend. The thing I’ve come to learn about friends is, the real ones, the ones who love you and care [...]
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Mrs. Hummingbird, Toronto
Age and Occupation: 25, Publishing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Videogame Designer/Cartoonist
Engagement Date: May 4, 2007
Wedding Date: June 28, 2008
Blogging Since: September 18, 2007
Venue: A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.
About Me: I’m a pop culture loving, vintage obsessed foodie living in Canada’s biggest city with my fantastic fiancé and our lovable fluffy cat Bettie. I’m stoked to marry my best friend and to throw what I hope will be
the most fun and colourful party of our lives.
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