Miss Chickadee, Peoria, IL
Age and Occupation: 22, Freelance Advertising
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 22, Mechanical Engineer
Engagement Date: February 10, 2007
Wedding Date: June, 2008
Blogging Since: September 13, 2006
Venue: Methodist Church/Country Club
About Me: My parents always said I should wait until graduating college before getting married…Mr. Chickadee and I finally graduated this past spring and we didn’t waste any time getting straight down to business. It’s been four long years, but the wedding planning is finally underway!
Etiquette Schmetiquette?
October 19th, 2007 @ 4:59 pm by Miss Chickadee
I have mixed feelings about wedding etiquette, to be honest with you. I firmly believe that only brides actually know anything about wediquette, which is why some wedding communities are full of brides complaining about their maid of honors that aren’t throwing amazing bridal showers or parents that aren’t coughing up $30,000 for a wedding. Not to mention the never ending discussions about whether or not it’s acceptable to include registry info in the invitation or, for that matter, whether it’s “two thousand and seven” or “two thousand seven” (because apparently the grammar books and Emily Post wildly disagree). All in all, I think these are things that only the bride thinks about.
That being said, I do know a lot of people who have gotten married, which potentially could mean they are etiquette experts, which potentially could mean they will kick me out of the family for not handwriting each and every outer envelope. Except, you know, they won’t.
Sometimes I forget that my family will be happy to attend our wedding even if the invitation comes in the form of a poorly coded email. Still, when you get online and start hearing about all the etiquette, it’s easy to get wrapped up in it.
I know for Mr. Chickadee and my wedding, we are discarding a lot of modern etiquette while sticking to some other basic principles:
-There will be no registry info in our invites, though it will grace a page on our wed-site.
-I’ve taken up learning calligraphy, though I often get impatient and forget that there’s a specified way to write each of those darn letters. Meh, no one’s going to compare their invites, right?
-We are having an open bar (which, might be a contested “etiquette” point, but I’ve always felt it was proper) and favors.
-My dad is walking me down the aisle (though I wanted my mom to walk me down too).
Conversely, these are many of the non-traditional aspects of our wedding:
-We are seeing each other prior to the walk down the aisle. Both the church and photographer encourage pre-ceremony photos so I happily agreed. That way we can get hours of pictures and not have to worry about bored guests!
-Black black black. My bridesmaids are wearing black! This may not be “etiquette” per say, but I’ve gotten some really appalled looks when I mention it!
-No traditional wedding march for this little bee. I’ve wanted for a long time to walk down the aisle to Beethoven’s Pathetique Sonata (yes, it sounds a little too much like Pathetic Sonata, oh well). It’s a beautiful piano piece and, strangely, Mr. Chickadee and I were watching a movie one day with this song in the background and he said he’d always loved it too! I’d also like my bridesmaids to come down the aisle to Moon River from the Breakfast at Tiffany’s soundtrack.
-I will not be addressing invites to Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. Rather, each wife or significant other will see her name on the outside as well (Jane and John Smith, etc.) In my opinion it’s an antiquated method of addressing and I’d rather not offend anyone.
What about you? What non-traditional elements are you featuring in your wedding and what etiquette are you holding on to for dear life?
31 Responses to “Etiquette Schmetiquette?”
I feel you, it just all gets me so weighed down! I at least have the “it’s our second wedding and we’ll do it the way we want” mantra. I’m very traditional though and have a family member who I swear is Emily Post in hiding or something. It’s just so much pressure on an event that should just be a celebration of a new life! so we’re doing some things very traditional (Mr. & Mrs. So and so) but untraditional too (no inner envelope so the addressing goes Mr. & Mr.s so and so and family) and I did labels. I stole the wrap around label idea from the latest Martha Stewart and they went out today. I figure I spent the time to hand make the invitations (200 of them) and dang it I just wasn’t going to get another hand cramp writing all of that stuff!
No registry in the invites. Maybe it’s just me, but every time I receive invites with registry info, I feel like I’m forced to get the happy couples gifts (not that I wouldn’t; I just don’t like feeling like I’m being forced to).
I’m addressing my invitations the traditional way. I’ve never met someone who was ever offended by it, and honestly, you can’t please everyone. I think it’s actually expected for formal correspondence.
Though, if I knew someone in particular would be offended, of course I wouldn’t address them that way!
I really enjoyed your post - and agree with your “take some and leave some” approach…and I lol when I ready the part about the “open bar” being “proper” …this is still an ongoing debate with FH and I 
PS Was the movie The Notebook?
At first I thought you meant the 1st movement and I thought. wow- now that’s a strong entrance! Haha. The second movement is beautiful! Good choice.
Here’s what I’ve learned from a history of weddings book recently…
In the past, weddings were either community or private events in the home a family member or friend. On the other end of the scale, the upper class used strict guidelines for how they behaved in everything. Eventually the industrial middle class emerged and it was common to try to imitate the more well-to-do. And the biggest way to tell everyone apart was ettiquette. The 1920’s came along and a lot of traditions were ignored for the more partying kind of life (short hair, short skirts, fast cars etc.). World War I also brought on a more informal way of life. In an effort to preserve the way that was, certain people in the wedding industry (beginning with jewellers and stationary companies) started saying that certain aspects of ettiquette were always done this way and encouraged them to not evolve. Sure the upper class knew how to behave, but the middle class was moldable. The stationary companies really set the bar with how an invitation should be worded. And not too much has changed since.
Okay, so it’s kind of a choppy history blurb, but hopefully it came across. And you’d be surprised that a lot of things that we’re “supposed” to do, many people don’t. We did what we felt was right for us. We didn’t stress about it and that help set the tone for a relaxed wedding.
Wait…there are people out there who think an open bar is bad etiquette? Wow….I thought NOT having an open bar is considered bad etiquette. What’s the big issue??
Sadie - FH doesn’t think that an open bar is poor etiquette - but also doesn’t view it as a MUST have It also isn’t necessary a money thing - I think this might both a regional thing/family norm thing for him…
I think it’s important to look at cultural aspects moreso than labeling something as “non-traditional.” For example, you call seeing the groom before the ceremony non-traditional, but for my Jewish weddings this is expected as the ketubah is signed before the ceremony itself. I don’t classify myself as “non-traditional” under your classifications, I’m just follow cultural aspects of a wedding that are different than yours.
I think you’re confusing etiquette with tradition. Good etiquette means using good manners to make everyone feel at ease. Sure, it has weird little quirks (like addressing inner and outer envelopes clearly and with appropriate titles), but it doesn’t include things like choice of music. It might be tradition to have “here comes the bride”, but it’s not bad etiquette to choose a piano sonata instead!
I’m going the tacky, bad etiquette route and having a cash bar for well drinks. We are buying the kegs and will have wine on the tables but no free well drinks. I dont think a wedding is an open invite to get wasted and have free alcohol. I have never actually been to a wedding with an open bar and I have never heard anyone complain about having to pay for a drink. Hopefully our guests follow suite!
Well said, BD!
Oooh, I love Beethoven’s Pathetique (Pathetic) Sonata! I wanted that for our wedding but my now hubby thought it was too slow. Great choice!
wow. i never thought about walking down the aisle with my mom and dad, but that makes so much sense to me. i’m going to do that!
Oh, I forgot. My bridesmaids sang as I walked down the aisle, so I still got to incorporate my own thing. 
I love Moon River! We had all Henry Mancini songs play as guests were being seated.
I will say it: I’m offended by traditional methods of address. I have a name, and it is not “Mrs. HisFirst”. (We also made sure to include my mom’s first name on the invite itself.) For addressing the invites, we did it the modern way for our friends, etc., but the “traditional” (sexist) way for our grandparents and others who might be offended by having both names on there.
Oh, and my MOH wore black. So many people gave me horrified looks over that one, but who is going to remember in a year, ya know?
Chrissie, I avoided that too. I think it’s a throw back to the whole “woman belonging to the man’s household” thing. So we just made up our own addresssing rules. We also were announced as “Mr. and Mrs. Me and MyGuy LastName” for the same reason.
I will say something for etiquette guidelines…
If you’re stuck on a decision that might offend someone or several someones, you can use etiquette as a base. That way it’s sort of a mediator. It takes personal out of the equation. I think there was a post recently on the order of bridesmaids…it’s kind of like that.
Adding on to what Julie and BD said, every culture has different “traditions”. Another example– in Jewish weddings, the tradition is for both bride’s parents to walk her down the aisle, and for the groom’s parents to walk him. And then, they stand with us under the wedding canopy. And at my wedding, it WOULD be considered “bad etiquette” (in a way) to use the traditional wedding march, written by someone who was anti-Semitic.
On the other hand, I think in many (most?)circles, it would be considered bad etiquette to make guests pay for anything at a party you are hosting. I wouldn’t invite people over to my home and then make them pay for drinks!
Yeah, all the “you’re sup-pooooossed to do it this way” stuff can get out of control. And that “supposed to” covers both the etiquette (manners) and “tradition.” I think it’s nice to incorporate some of it, though, particularly the things that really are just good manners. I’m of the “I hate Mr. & Mrs. HisLast” club…I addressed all of ours as “Mr. & Mrs. Him & Her Lastname” or “Mr. First Last & Ms. First Last” if that was appropriate…and I wasn’t strict about the guy or girl coming first if they had different names…I just used whatever rolled off the tongue better.
I don’t necessarily think a wedding with open bar is an excuse to get drunk on free alcohol. It’s more related to what Hap says above…you’re the host of the party–why are you making guests pay for anything (unless you designated it BYOB)?
Though, I do think this might be a regional/cultural thing. For example, in my case, I wouldn’t be able to come back to family events if we made people pay for drinks! (I’m only half kidding here…)
i love pathetique!
i am considering walking down to ‘rhapsody on a theme of paganini’ by rachmaninoff or debussey’s clair de lune (after seeing one of the previous bees do it. ) ^_^
-i am walking down the aisle to john denver’s “annie’s song”, arranged for female choir. (friends are going to sing it for me.) my name’s not annie, but i’ve always loved this song.
-i am considering walking down the aisle with my mom and sister, as my dad passed away when i was little.
-we’re going to walk out of the church to “beautiful day” by u2.
-i’m ditching the traditional way of addressing invites and just going with individual names and nicknames. and no inner envelope, just a belly band.
Just wanted to let you know we–gasp!–had black BM’s dresses AND black on black GM outfits. They wore only a colorful tie and it looked great! Other ways we broke from tradition/etiquette:
—>We saw each other before the wedding ceremony as well–didn’t phase us!
—>Did’t do a garter toss/bouquet toss.
—>We didn’t have an inner envelope.
—>All ceremony music was extremely non-traditional:
Stand By Me for family seating.
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough for BM’s processional.
Here, There, Everywhere for my processional.
WSU fight song for our recessional.
—>Ha ha, we didn’t use LOVE or wedding stamps. They were the ugly print them off the website kind. Guests loved the invites so much I don’t think they even noticed.
—>Our only guestbook was at the reception (people thought it was weird) and was a photobooth guestbook.
—>In our invitations there was an insert to our wedding web page and of travel info (all on one card) and I’ve been told that’s a no-no. I figure all the tools we can give our guests to say hi, see our wedding info, etc., the better. No one mentioned it!
In my experience, it’s open bars that guests appreciate (free alcohol) and cash bars that are frowned upon. Now, I have been to a couple weddings with open bar with hard alcohol which is what formed mine and Patrick’s decision to only serve beer/wine in our open bar. I’ve been to a couple VERY nice weddings that had cash bars, and I never knew it was bad etiquette until I started fishing around the knot and WB…so maybe in our circle it’s just okay.
Oh well–you’ll never please everyone so you might as well focus on putting together a wedding that pleases the bride and groom.
Look at how beautiful black is at this girls wedding…I think it is stunning! Go for it!
Our wedding and reception is going to be outdoors, and Hawaiian theme. So I am going to have all attendants walk down to “Hawaiian Wedding March”, we are still unsure as to what I’m going with, even though both fi and I don’t care for the traditional song, we might be using it anyways, (not sure where to find other songs), we are going to exchange leis. Since it’s going to be outdoors at a state park alcohol isn’t allowed, so don’t have that prob….just use sparkling cider. For walking down the aisle, I’ll be walking with our ring barer(SP?), who is our 3 yr old little boy.
Our ceremony music was perhaps a bit non-traditional. I didn’t want to do anything that any of my friends had done. So all the bridesmaids and I walked down the aisle to “Feels Like Today” by Rascal Flatts. We had a friend sing during a slideshow in the middle of the service, showing pictures of us growing up and all our friends. We recessed to music from Braveheart b/c it’s my husband’s favorite movie, we’re both Scottish and as a tribute to his uncle who passed.
To add to the different list…
Invites: we didn’t put parents’ names and made up our own wording. No inner envelope.
Ceremony: Saw each other before the ceremony. Mom walked me down the aisle. Flower girls was older. I told our musicians to play whatever they wanted. It lasted 6 minutes. Our recessional was the Sesame Street theme on violin and guitar.
Reception: No bouquet/garter toss. No alcohol. No parent dances (although I would have liked to have danced with my mom, but we ran out of time)
For our invites:
- we are doing Seal-n-Send invitations which are a bit more eco-friendly and potentially less hassle.
- both sets of parents will be mentioned on the invites
We have also considered providing wine and a champagne toast but a cash bar otherwise, non-Biblical readings intermixed with Biblical ones, and depending on what works out for musicians during the ceremony, I would like something nontraditional.
My brothers (both younger) will be standing by my side. I’ll have one MOH and then my little bro’s. We’ve been through so much together that I couldn’t think of anything better! And I’ve gotten some odd looks on that difference.
And no lined envelope! Who does that anyway?
I LOVE MOON RIVER and I’m doing the same thing
