Wedding Blog
The New York Times recently published an interesting article on the “plus one” controversy. What is the etiquette of allowing wedding guests to bring a date?
Mr. Jasmine and I have mixed feelings on this subject. We are certainly inviting our guests’ significant others: spouses, partners, fiances, long-time boyfriends and girlfriends. To us, that’s a non-negotiable etiquette rule. But it becomes less clear when considering guests with brand-new boyfriend and girlfriends. Or those guests who aren’t seeing anyone at all. Should we still allow those guests to bring a date of their choice?
We decided to allow all of our friends to bring a date, but we can certainly understand the alternate viewpoint. Those with spiraling costs or an out-of-control guest list may balk at the idea of inviting people they don’t even know. In those situations, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to invite the guest sans date. As Emily Post states in Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette, “Allowing single guests who aren’t attached to significant others to bring dates is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is certainly not required and often not realistic.” However, some people believe that it’s inconsiderate to invite a single guest without a date, especially if the person doesn’t know many of the other guests.
Do you agree? Are you giving your single guests a “plus one”?
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if you want to extend the invitation ONLY to long-time significant others’ of your guests…how does one go about writing the invitation? and how do you figure out exactly who on the guest list has a significant other?
i’m not even close to being engaged/married, but reading your post led me to those questions.
We gave our singles guests the option of bringing someone to our wedding, which we were happy to do. Be forewarned though…one person brought a friend along who ordered the surf & turf, drank all night long, and never said a word to my husband or I, much less a thank you and goodbye at the end of the evening!
I certainly understand how much expensive it can be to invite “and guest,” but it was something we did with all of our guests, whether they are attached to someone or not. In some cases, this allowed the guest to feel more comfortable, since they didn’t know many other guests. In another case, it allowed the guest to come- the person drove a distance and it’s easier to have someone drive with you. And in at least two cases of elderly guests, it allowed them to come- they brought one of their children, who drove them. While I understand both sides of the issue, I’m happy that we gave our guests the option of bringing someone with them if they wanted to do so.
Mr. Canary and I had a tough time with this one… we’re having a large wedding, but it’s mostly because my family is HUGE! We also have a lot of friends who are single… so in that case, we’re not inviting a +1 unless you live together, are engaged or have been together for more than a year. The exception is our bridal party where we’re allowing everyone to bring a +1 if they like.
Due to venue constraints, we have a handful of single friends who was kind enough to ask us what our preferences were. We were honest in telling them that our venue has very limited space and unless the “date” they are thinking of bringing is someone they would consider a very important significant other, we told them the answer would be no. Quite frankly many of my single friends were not offended by my answer, they were considerate and I promised to sit them with people they would know! Or maybe even a table just for singles! Thank goodness for understanding friends!
We’re having an “open wedding.” FI is a preacher’s kid and is studying to go into the ministry. By the time we get married, he will hopefully have a position in a church. We are sending out invitations to people, but there will be an open invitation to my home church, his home church, and the church where he is working.
Obviously, we’re not having a dinner reception. At least I don’t have to worry about seating arraignments!
Our guest list was out of control, and when we chose our venue, we had to cut it from 400 to 300! While we originally had planned on giving everyone guests, we then had to limit it to those with long-term significant others, plus everyone in the bridal party was given a +1.
since we didn’t have an outer envelope for our invites, i handwrote the names of each individual invited on a tag attached to our pocketfolds. we had a wedding website, so when people rsvp-ed with their code, each of the names showed up. if we allowed +1, there would be the individual’s name, plus another one that said “type guest’s name” with their meal choices. we did the long-term relationship or if you don’t know anyone else rule. we did have one person ask if they could bring a guest, and one person that didn’t, which we found out about through a friend, but then i guess he changed his mind b/c he never asked us and didn’t end up bringing a guest. it worked out perfectly!
I understand and accept the space & budget constraints that prevent couples from inviting +1 and we’re fortunate enough not to have those constraints. But I’ve been to plenty of weddings as a single and it’s a drag. Even at weddings where I knew a lot of the other guests. It’s really nice to have a built-in dance partner and someone by your side the entire evening to share the experience. So when you’re considering the option, please realize it’s not just a minor bonus for your guests.
It’s such a tough call. After a divorce I spent a longgggg time single without anyone significant in my life. There were a lot of wedding invitations in those years and I think every one of those invites were “and guest.” The first few times I stressed over not having a date but after awhile I grew to enjoy it. Sometimes I was seated with singles, sometimes family and friends- it’s just part of single life. If your budget can afford it I think its great to invite “plus one” but in conversations stress that they aren’t “expected” to bring anyone. In planning our small wedding next month I was greatly relieved that most of our friends didn’t feel they had to bring someone. I’m a little nervous about the one friend who’s divorced and has a habit of bringing one of his brothers everywhere- we’re paying the bar-tab and these guys can drink!!!!
I think it depends on how old you are and where you are in life when you get married. Mr Corn and I were 33 and 32 respectively and we felt that it was inappropriate for us, at this age, to not include +1 for our single wedding guests. However, I went to many weddings of my friends when we were all just in our young 20’s and I never expected to be invited with a guest, simply because it wouldn’t have made sense.
This is really tough. Since our wedding is a destination wedding, we allowed everyone invited to have a guest - to a point. One of FI’s cousins that is still in high school wanted to bring her boyfriend. That we nixed as we only invited cousins who were still living with our aunts & uncles and I really didn’t want to pay beaucoup bucks for someone we’d never met and probably would never see again when she really didn’t need any extra companion (half the wedding is her family!).
We allowed +1’s only if they had been together for over a yr AND we had met the other person previously. I wanted to make sure I at least knew the faces of everyone at my wedding!
We had a small wedding and allowed our single guests a “+1″. Although many opted not to bring a date because it was such an intimate event. Many of their dates met us afterwards at our After-party at a local bar.
we allowed all our guests to bring a +1, but we had a small wedding (100 pp) and half the guests were travelling.
i think mrs. corn makes a good point. In my early - mid 20s, I was more than happy to attend a wedding alone (in fact before meeting mr. bee i never even went to a wedding with a date). But now that most of my friends are married, are in relationships, or are older, they’re much more comfortable attending with a guest especially if they don’t know anyone.
of course i understand that weddings are expensive affairs, and it’s not always an option for everyone to invite +1’s…. but for me… i’d somehow find a way to make +1 work (cutting back elsewhere, having a more inexpensive reception, etc.)
We let it known that it was okay to bring a date but that we preferred that person was a significant person in their life and not just a date to bring to the wedding. We addressed the invite to said specific person and the space for the number blank.
I’m giving the option of a +1. Back when I was in their shoes, I very much appreciated being able to bring a date.
looking at our guest list, there are actually very few single people on it. we’ll definitely allow them to bring a guest, especially because most people are going to have to travel; that way they can split hotel and transportation costs. also, it’s a drag to go to a wedding where you don’t get to dance because everybody else is already paired up.
They were invited if I knew them. That was one of the big requirements I had at my wedding; I wanted to know all of my guests. So my cousin’s boyfriend was invited because I had met him at the family Christmas party earlier, but otherwise it didn’t really come up with our small guest list.
We did not address invitations with +1. Some replied with a guest, some did not. Some that replied with a guest ended up coming along, and some that replied only for themselves came with a date! We live in the midwest, and our reception was not a dinner (desserts!) so it didn’t really. It would have been nice to have an exact number, but it worked out fine.
We’re following the engaged/live together/more than a year rule. Our venue can only hold 120 people, and 100 of those people are family. I refuse to let people bring a date just so they’re more comfortable, because that means FI and I have to cut our friends list! Maybe that’s a bit bridezilla of me, but we’re having a smallish wedding, in our 20s, and everyone there will know several people. FI’s single sister who is in the wedding party really wants to bring a date, but because she is local and in the wedding party, I don’t really see the point of her having a date for the two hours she’s not doing wedding party stuff? She’s friends with all of my FI’s friends. Am I being crazy here?
Our ceremony location is 175 individuals, maximum. After my parents and his mother’s guest lists are taken care of, we are left with about 40 guests that we get to invite. A bridal party of 14 plus their dates = twelve friends that we get to invite. We made the decision that we would rather have twelve friends in attendance, than 6 friends and their dates. Our rule is that if you are married or engaged, your spouse or to-be spouse is welcome, but even long term significant others are not. If our friends decide that they would rather not come if they can’t bring a date, that is their decision. Everyone invited knows our other friends, so there is not one single person who would be invited without a date that will be stuck in the corner on their own. If you think our rules are bitchy, fine, but I rarely get to see most of my friends, and it is more important for me to have 12 of our friends around than 6 friends with their significant others whom I have never even met.
We gave ‘and guest’ to guests who had been seeing their s.o. for more than 6 months. the rest of our single guests who didn’t have the ‘and guest’ brought a guest anyway… a few didn’t even r.s.v.p. themselves, let alone rsvp for the guest. go figure. it’s happened to a lot of our friends at their weddings. we joked that the single guys went out and found a girl the week before the wedding so they wouldn’t be alone at a wedding in their mid to late 30’s (as the single female population at weddings has dwindled…) we haven’t seen some of those ‘guests’ since.
We gave all our single guests a +1, unless they are my cousins that will be coming with their families. It meant having to cut some people, and move others to the “B” list in order to keep it under our venue max capacity of 220. For me it was the opposite reasoning of the poster above: we would rather have 6 people with their dates who were comfortable and had a great time, then 12 people who didn’t know anyone else, and had to sit out all the slow dances. As a bride you get pulled in so many directions, that with a big wedding, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to talk with any guest for more than 5-10 minutes. I want to make sure they’ll have a good time, for the other 5 hours and 50 minutes that they are there…
I am only inviting a +1 for single guests who won’t know many poeple at the reception. I want them to feel confortable.
I’m definitely with you on the +1 wagon…especially because all of our guests are from out of town, who would want to travel alone to a wedding?
Had we had more “intowners” i might have taken the +1s case by case…if they were currently seeing someone at the time of invitation, definitely a +1. If they were knowingly single and from in town, definitely NOT a +1.
No, I don’t want random strangers at our wedding. All the single people who are coming (not many) will be sitting with people they know
This feels like such a personal decision for the couple for a number of factors. For us, I wanted to invite 200 people to the wedding - in the end, my budget could only afford 85 - we wound up with 90. Most people had dates because we are in our mid/late 30’s and are the remedial friends in our group to get married last. But I have alot of friends in their 20’s from grad school. In the end people were not allowed to bring a date - only two or three asked but they understood my budget and guest constraints (after all, I couldn’t invite half of my ‘wish’ list). At the end of the day, my friends without dates danced their asses off, got drunk, and said it was one of the best weddings they’d ever attended - the kind where everyone mingles, stays up late talking, etc. I’ll tell you this - for someone who was forever a guest to weddings - only maybe twice was I allowed to bring a date. Most of my twenties were spent going solo - and I always met people. So if you have the space and the money - it’s a great gesture. If not - don’t sweat it - your single friends will forgive you the day they start planning their wedding and realize what a dilemma it can be.
We’re allowing most of our guests to bring a guest if they are out of state.. but we really need to cut down on the guest list so I may have to rethink that.
I used the rule that if I knew the guest was dating someone, then they got to bring that person (I think in all but one case I was able to find the person’s name out to put on the invite!).
Luckily we were aware of everyone’s dating situation on our guest list.
In my opinion, it is respectful to invite any single person “and guest.” We are doing that and are offering our elderly guests an additional guest (their driver). How can anyone judge who is serious or not serious enough to invite as a date of someone else? Just because your friend or family member has an official and/or legal relationship allows them to have company at a wedding? That just seems ridiculous! As a host of a party, it is respectful to help guests feel comfortable. And if bringing a guest whether it be a random date, g-friend, b-friend, sibling, parent, etc, etc, helps to make your guest feel comfortable than so be it. The most important thing is that your friend is there to help you celebrate your special day with you.
I don’t think it is at all disrespectful to invite individuals without a date, provided that they will know others there. All our friends know each other, and they’re all planning on having a great time. Frankly, I think it is quite a bit more disrespectful for a guest to EXPECT that they are automatically able to bring a date, when it is costing $210/person. I’ve been to plenty of weddings on my own when my boyfriend wasn’t invited, and it never bothered me as long as I had other friends there. I certainly would not have called the host disrespectful, especially considering the amount of money a wedding costs. We’re not talking about hosting a housewarming party here — not everyone is made of money and can toss in 30 extra guests at $200 a piece no problem. If you can afford to have everyone bring a guest (and a driver!) then you are lucky, but I’m not going to NOT invite my friends because we can’t have their dates as well (physically can’t — limited space for the ceremony). I talked to a few of my friends beforehand, and the consensus was that they would be truly offended if, as some of my closest friends, they weren’t even invited to my wedding — they would much rather come sans date than not at all, as any true friend would feel.
We are doing +1 because my fiance felt very strongly about it. He has attended more than a few weddings alone and hated it. I was surprised, because I have no problem going to weddings alone, especially if I know people there (which all of our single friends will). Then as I got to talking with my single friends (all female) I found that they felt the same way, and would probably not bring a guest even if I gave them that option. Meanwhile, my fiance expects most of his single friends (all male) will bring a guest. Which leads me to wonder if it’s a boy/girl thing? My fiance asserts that a man will invite a woman he doesn’t know well to a wedding just as a date; whereas I can’t imagine a woman inviting a random man to a wedding as a casual date.
Thank you all for your postings on the “Plus-One” Etiquette blog. Recently my boyfriend of over 3 years was invited to a wedding and his invitation was for him only. I know and have met the couple and see them at least monthly at social events. Since I was not invited, he is now in a very ackward position. If he doesn’t attend, he feels he may offend the couple. However, if he does attend without me, feels he is being disrespectful to me since the friends neglected to acknowledge he has a significant other. He knows they have limited space and that’s why, however, other significant others and spouses were invited. What does he do?
I strongly believe that ALL guests should get a plus one. Wedding too expensive-lower your costs, cut the guest list in other ways so that you can afford for your guests to be comfortable.
Very few weddings have many singles and to place your single friends in that situation is just rude. Would you ask a married friend to be invited by herself to sit by herself, to have no one to talk with, dance with? Why should it be different because one is single, one is not?
The Miss Manners rule is very outdated. Now people could be single in their twenties, thirties-to expect them to go to an event where they might not know others, where they would be forced to hang out with married couples, is just rude and disrespectful.
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Mrs. Jasmine, Chicago/LA
Age and Occupation: 25, Attorney
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Attorney
Engagement Date: March 24, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 20, 2007
Venue: Hotel on the westside of Los Angeles
About Me: I'm a happy-go-lucky, imaginative spirit trapped in the body of a lawyer. I love reading, shopping, dining out, and exploring my beloved adopted city of Chicago with my fiance. We're planning the wedding of our dreams in my hometown of Los Angeles and we're excited to incorporate our cherished Indian/Pakistani customs and traditions.
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