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The New York Times recently published an interesting article on the “plus one” controversy. What is the etiquette of allowing wedding guests to bring a date?
Mr. Jasmine and I have mixed feelings on this subject. We are certainly inviting our guests’ significant others: spouses, partners, fiances, long-time boyfriends and girlfriends. To us, that’s a non-negotiable etiquette rule. But it becomes less clear when considering guests with brand-new boyfriend and girlfriends. Or those guests who aren’t seeing anyone at all. Should we still allow those guests to bring a date of their choice?
We decided to allow all of our friends to bring a date, but we can certainly understand the alternate viewpoint. Those with spiraling costs or an out-of-control guest list may balk at the idea of inviting people they don’t even know. In those situations, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to invite the guest sans date. As Emily Post states in Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette, “Allowing single guests who aren’t attached to significant others to bring dates is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is certainly not required and often not realistic.” However, some people believe that it’s inconsiderate to invite a single guest without a date, especially if the person doesn’t know many of the other guests.
Do you agree? Are you giving your single guests a “plus one”?
image courtesy of handheldmuseum.com
if you want to extend the invitation ONLY to long-time significant others’ of your guests…how does one go about writing the invitation? and how do you figure out exactly who on the guest list has a significant other?
i’m not even close to being engaged/married, but reading your post led me to those questions.
We gave our singles guests the option of bringing someone to our wedding, which we were happy to do. Be forewarned though…one person brought a friend along who ordered the surf & turf, drank all night long, and never said a word to my husband or I, much less a thank you and goodbye at the end of the evening!
I certainly understand how much expensive it can be to invite “and guest,” but it was something we did with all of our guests, whether they are attached to someone or not. In some cases, this allowed the guest to feel more comfortable, since they didn’t know many other guests. In another case, it allowed the guest to come- the person drove a distance and it’s easier to have someone drive with you. And in at least two cases of elderly guests, it allowed them to come- they brought one of their children, who drove them. While I understand both sides of the issue, I’m happy that we gave our guests the option of bringing someone with them if they wanted to do so.
Mr. Canary and I had a tough time with this one… we’re having a large wedding, but it’s mostly because my family is HUGE! We also have a lot of friends who are single… so in that case, we’re not inviting a +1 unless you live together, are engaged or have been together for more than a year. The exception is our bridal party where we’re allowing everyone to bring a +1 if they like.
Due to venue constraints, we have a handful of single friends who was kind enough to ask us what our preferences were. We were honest in telling them that our venue has very limited space and unless the “date” they are thinking of bringing is someone they would consider a very important significant other, we told them the answer would be no. Quite frankly many of my single friends were not offended by my answer, they were considerate and I promised to sit them with people they would know! Or maybe even a table just for singles! Thank goodness for understanding friends!
We’re having an “open wedding.” FI is a preacher’s kid and is studying to go into the ministry. By the time we get married, he will hopefully have a position in a church. We are sending out invitations to people, but there will be an open invitation to my home church, his home church, and the church where he is working.
Obviously, we’re not having a dinner reception. At least I don’t have to worry about seating arraignments!
Our guest list was out of control, and when we chose our venue, we had to cut it from 400 to 300! While we originally had planned on giving everyone guests, we then had to limit it to those with long-term significant others, plus everyone in the bridal party was given a +1.
since we didn’t have an outer envelope for our invites, i handwrote the names of each individual invited on a tag attached to our pocketfolds. we had a wedding website, so when people rsvp-ed with their code, each of the names showed up. if we allowed +1, there would be the individual’s name, plus another one that said “type guest’s name” with their meal choices. we did the long-term relationship or if you don’t know anyone else rule. we did have one person ask if they could bring a guest, and one person that didn’t, which we found out about through a friend, but then i guess he changed his mind b/c he never asked us and didn’t end up bringing a guest. it worked out perfectly!
I understand and accept the space & budget constraints that prevent couples from inviting +1 and we’re fortunate enough not to have those constraints. But I’ve been to plenty of weddings as a single and it’s a drag. Even at weddings where I knew a lot of the other guests. It’s really nice to have a built-in dance partner and someone by your side the entire evening to share the experience. So when you’re considering the option, please realize it’s not just a minor bonus for your guests.
It’s such a tough call. After a divorce I spent a longgggg time single without anyone significant in my life. There were a lot of wedding invitations in those years and I think every one of those invites were “and guest.” The first few times I stressed over not having a date but after awhile I grew to enjoy it. Sometimes I was seated with singles, sometimes family and friends- it’s just part of single life. If your budget can afford it I think its great to invite “plus one” but in conversations stress that they aren’t “expected” to bring anyone. In planning our small wedding next month I was greatly relieved that most of our friends didn’t feel they had to bring someone. I’m a little nervous about the one friend who’s divorced and has a habit of bringing one of his brothers everywhere- we’re paying the bar-tab and these guys can drink!!!!
I think it depends on how old you are and where you are in life when you get married. Mr Corn and I were 33 and 32 respectively and we felt that it was inappropriate for us, at this age, to not include +1 for our single wedding guests. However, I went to many weddings of my friends when we were all just in our young 20’s and I never expected to be invited with a guest, simply because it wouldn’t have made sense.
This is really tough. Since our wedding is a destination wedding, we allowed everyone invited to have a guest - to a point. One of FI’s cousins that is still in high school wanted to bring her boyfriend. That we nixed as we only invited cousins who were still living with our aunts & uncles and I really didn’t want to pay beaucoup bucks for someone we’d never met and probably would never see again when she really didn’t need any extra companion (half the wedding is her family!).
We allowed +1’s only if they had been together for over a yr AND we had met the other person previously. I wanted to make sure I at least knew the faces of everyone at my wedding!
We had a small wedding and allowed our single guests a “+1″. Although many opted not to bring a date because it was such an intimate event. Many of their dates met us afterwards at our After-party at a local bar.
we allowed all our guests to bring a +1, but we had a small wedding (100 pp) and half the guests were travelling.
i think mrs. corn makes a good point. In my early - mid 20s, I was more than happy to attend a wedding alone (in fact before meeting mr. bee i never even went to a wedding with a date). But now that most of my friends are married, are in relationships, or are older, they’re much more comfortable attending with a guest especially if they don’t know anyone.
of course i understand that weddings are expensive affairs, and it’s not always an option for everyone to invite +1’s…. but for me… i’d somehow find a way to make +1 work (cutting back elsewhere, having a more inexpensive reception, etc.)
We let it known that it was okay to bring a date but that we preferred that person was a significant person in their life and not just a date to bring to the wedding. We addressed the invite to said specific person and the space for the number blank.
I’m giving the option of a +1. Back when I was in their shoes, I very much appreciated being able to bring a date.
looking at our guest list, there are actually very few single people on it. we’ll definitely allow them to bring a guest, especially because most people are going to have to travel; that way they can split hotel and transportation costs. also, it’s a drag to go to a wedding where you don’t get to dance because everybody else is already paired up.
They were invited if I knew them. That was one of the big requirements I had at my wedding; I wanted to know all of my guests. So my cousin’s boyfriend was invited because I had met him at the family Christmas party earlier, but otherwise it didn’t really come up with our small guest list.
We did not address invitations with +1. Some replied with a guest, some did not. Some that replied with a guest ended up coming along, and some that replied only for themselves came with a date! We live in the midwest, and our reception was not a dinner (desserts!) so it didn’t really. It would have been nice to have an exact number, but it worked out fine.
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Mrs. Jasmine, Chicago/LA Age and Occupation: 25, Attorney Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Attorney Engagement Date: March 24, 2007 Wedding Date: June 7, 2008 Blogging Since: September 20, 2007 Venue: Hotel on the westside of Los Angeles About Me: I'm a happy-go-lucky, imaginative spirit trapped in the body of a lawyer. I love reading, shopping, dining out, and exploring my beloved adopted city of Chicago with my fiance. We're planning the wedding of our dreams in my hometown of Los Angeles and we're excited to incorporate our cherished Indian/Pakistani customs and traditions.
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