I think my wife has PTWS. Before you try looking this up somewhere (where you won’t find it, cause I’m the official discoverer of this rare disease), let me give you some back story first on how I came to find out about this disease.
I am a peaceful man – therefore I would want my bathroom to be the same. Normally, I like reading the Wall Street Journal or some gaming magazine or one of those employee recommended books I picked up from Barnes and Noble (Mark’s suggestions are always the best – doesn’t matter which Mark, if there’s a Mark working at your local B&N, ask him for suggestions)…but lately I noticed something about the literature in my bathroom.
Granted – being married I expected a few ‘girly’ magazines…such as In Style, and In Touch, and In something magazine…but using my training I received from reading the back of Highlights magazines where they always trained you in “What does not belong?” exercises, I saw a magazine that didn’t belong. First it didn’t start with “in” next – it said “WEDDING” somewhere in there.
WTH?~! Why is there a wedding magazine in my bathroom??! I could’ve sworn I spent the last 14 months planning a wedding and from the photos hanging on my walls, I could swear we actually had a wedding a month ago…and I’m pretty sure I was hallucinating, and last time I poked Miss Monkey’s skull, it sure felt real. So… why the heck are these magazines still around? Just to make sure – yes, the date on the magazine said “November 2007” it wasn’t an old magazine – that’s right, somehow wife gets advanced copies – that’s how you know your wife is DEEP in the wedding cartel.
And then it dawned on me – all the signs were there, I just wasn’t being a good husband and noticing these things.
My wife has POST TRAUMATIC WEDDDING SYNDROME
That’s right folks – this is serious. For 14 straight months she was a planning machine – making spreadsheets of guests, binders of wedding related clippings, color swatches for themes, calling, gluing, creating… I just never realized it hasn’t left her system.
Just so you know the symptoms for PTWS, here they are:
- She’ll say during the honeymoon, “I have this urge to plan something…doesn’t it feel like we have something to do right now?”
- Wedding magazines will continue to come to your house…like hundreds of them
- She’ll encourage all her friends to get married, just so she can “hand down” all the binders of wedding stuff
- She’ll be first to volunteer to help out ANY wedding even though you recall during your own that she said “I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN, I CAN NOT WAIT TIL IT’S OVER”
- You’ll see wedding shows from TLC recorded on your DVR
- She’ll have many dreams of how she either A) missed her own wedding. B) was rushing to her own wedding and realizing that she didn’t prepare at all. C) walked down the aisle and noticed it wasn’t you standing up there. D) the wedding was a complete disaster
- Although she vowed to donate her wedding dress or sell it on ebay, for some reason it still lingers in your house like a ghost. LIKE A GHOST.
- She’ll create 50 photobooks of the wedding – using the same pictures
There are only a few treatments that I’ve discovered
- slowly rip out pages from the magazines – cleanly so that they don’t notice
- visit http://www.weddingbee.com so they can overdose and get it out of their system
- go to your local walgreens and get the Wedding Patch CQ
- when she falls asleep whisper “the wedding is over, the wedding is over, the wedding is over” like 1000x times
Ok folks – that’s it…so be aware of PTWS and don’t let it happen to you.
- New York
- Wedding Date:
- September 2007