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So far, Mr. T and I have been blessed to be surrounded with easy-going people during our wedding planning. My divorced parents have been supportive of each other’s roles in the wedding. The bridesmaids gave me free reign to dress them in whatever I want. And our friends have responded with enthusiasm to every decision we’ve made. I’m sure most issues generally arise as a wedding date draws closer, but so far everything has been smooth sailing.
That is, it HAD been smooth sailing…. Yesterday, Mr. T got an email from his mother protesting the limit on the number of people she is allowed to invite to the wedding. He has told his parents that they can invite 10 people – granted, not a huge number, but it’s ¼ of Mr. T’s total invitations. He doesn’t have any extended family in this country. And our venue is small, so every person counts. Also, to be quite frank, we’re paying for everything ourselves, and I believe that means we get to make choices that work for us – in this case, a small venue filled only with the people who mean the most to us.
Another worry from the email exchange – FMIL T. asked whether we realize that their small number of invites “means [they] only get to host one table?” In response, Mr. T had to point out that, um, there are no tables to “host.” We’re having an informal hors d’oeuvre reception, where people can mingle freely and sit wherever they like. I have some fear that FMIL T. may have a very different vision for our wedding than what we have, and I’m hoping to nip that in the bud if possible!
So, we are officially turning to the Hive for advice: What is your take on the number of parental invites? What is the usual practice when the couple pays for their own wedding? Has anyone else come up against this issue, and do you have suggestions for other ways that Mr. T’s parents might mark the event with their friends? (An open house at their church? Hosting a dinner of some sort?) And how do we help FMIL T. to see and appreciate our vision for the wedding, even if it’s not the same as hers?
As we’re getting married in NZ, and only my Dad is flying out for the wedding (he will be my only family), I wanted to limit the number of friends my in laws will have as it didn’t seem fair on my parents. We allowed them to invite 2, and now my FMIL wants to invite 3 more…
I’m having a Chinese dinner reception, so this might not work for your case - but my parents suggested that we give them a limit on the number of people we can pay for from their side of the family, and they will cover the cost of any extra people they wish to invite. As it’s Chinese tradition to gift money instead of items, all money gifted from my parents invited people will go back to them so they can recoup the cost.
I think it’s a great idea because it makes it easier for me to not cut anyone off the list, but also helps with the budgeting.
I hope you can come to some similar terms for your wedding!!
I feel for you, Ms. Tulip. I think it is totally reasonable to limit your FMIL considering that you are paying and especially because you want to keep it small. I wish I had, because now I am dealing with my FMIL, “OH but can’t I invite our neighbors from 15 years ago?” (which happens to be TEN people!!!) A terrible position to be in.
I also feel for you on the misconceived “impression” of your wedding. You do indeed need to nip it in the bud and be very clear about YOUR wants, because it is YOUR day. Maybe have a frank conversation with FMIL T. and ask what her expectations are. She might just want to be heard, even if you don’t cave to her desires.
If your FMIL insists on inviting their friends, they can always host a separate reception. That way, they can invite whoever they want. Sure, it’s a pain to go through 2 receptions for you guys, but this way, you get to invite who you want to invite to your intimate wedding and they’ll be happy with the separate reception because it’ll be done their way. Everyone wins!
We figured that if we were paying, we’d get to say. But then they pulled the parental “we brought you into this world” card.
It wasn’t much, but I’m surprised they were as pushy as they were. Or at least that’s what I’m remembering. MIL wanted to invite two couples who were a big part of my guy’s childhood. I said basically if they were so cool, then why didn’t I meet them? We went out to lunch with one of them and it turns out that they were really awesome. They actually acted as our day-of coordinators. The other couple didn’t return her calls about the invitation we sent, so we just counted them out.
My mom (and this kind of surprised me) wanted to invite a couple who were their best friends. That’s fine I guess, but we don’t hang out with them, so it didn’t seem natural for us to invite them. Fine, but he asked to bring his two kids. Now, I’d never met these two kids before and didn’t want them at my wedding since I put down the “no strangers” rule. And we were paying for everything.
Well, they came (as mostly a favor to my mom who didn’t want to have to talk to a lot of family) and she paid for most of the favors. I think I did a pretty good job of ignoring them, but his son came up with a snotty attitude and asked when we were going to cut the cake. I could have done without that.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. 
This is indeed a tricky subject. The Guest List has been (and continues to be) one of the trickiest and most conflicted part of our wedding planning. I think you need to stick to your guns. If you start making exceptions it’s hard to draw a firm line. Also, since you are covering the cost, it is completely your prerogative (I hope Mr. Tulip agrees with you on the guest list issue).
I agree with Our Special Day. Perhaps you can appease FMIL by having her host a separate reception (though maybe she’d feel burdened by that?) or maybe have some sort of informal reception on your own?
Keep us posted with what happens–Good Luck, I know it can be tough!!
I’d let her host a separate reception-even just something at her church, whatever she likes, and just have your FI explain gently that you have to do things within your budget and you need to be fair.
I’m having something of this same problem with my FMIL-we’re getting married in his hometown and she wants to invite 60 extra people.
We decided to split our guest list in thirds - one third for his side’s family/parents’ friends, one third for my family/parents’ friends, and one third for our friends. So far my mom’s list is the biggest (but that’s probably only because we haven’t gotten his mom’s list yet).
I think since you’re paying you do get more say, but I would at least try to keep the number of invites each family gets pretty even.
Good luck!
The more I thought about it, the more I opened it up to both sets of parents. The fewer friends they have, the more it feels like they’re watching the action, not part of it. This is particularly tough for Asian American parents. When they got married, it was all about their parents and they got to invite few friends. Now that their kids are Americanized they don’t get to invite their friends AGAIN. It totally sucks for them!
So I basically left it up to both our parents. I told them our reception costs per person, then asked them to give me a headcount of their guests.
I’m not clearly stating who’s paying for whose guests. These are the parents who raised us. Even if we go broke paying for their guests, it can’t make up for the fact that they raised us from infancy. Our parents love us. When they see how much effort and money we put into giving them and their friends a fun party to go to, instead of selfishly saying “You only get ___ tables,” they will repay us with both love and monetary support.
Hey there,
It’s tradition for the groom’s parents to host the rehearsal dinner, so I think it would be appropriate to inform your fmil that if this is something they would like to do, it would offer a chance to invite all of their friends. It’s custom for both fathers to make a speech after the dinner and for anyone else to chime in on wishing the couple well, so it would also give their friends a chance to attend an event with some of the same traditions as the actual reception.
I wish I had advice for you, but I don’t….all I can say is I feel your pain and so do many many many other couples out there. In the end, just remember that you can make the best/worst of things by your chosen paths. Sometimes it’s not an easy decision, but choose your battles wisely and when you’re ready to put your foot down about a matter do so with grace and the realization that she will be “family” soon and you’ll most likely have to see her on a very consistent basis. Best of luck!
Argh, it sounds like the guest list IS a big issue for a lot of people! Thanks for your good advice, everyone.
I’ve taken your points to heart about parents knowing people at the party, and about Asian parents’ experience in particular. We definitely want to keep their feelings in mind.
We really wouldn’t mind much on the financial or “who are these people?” end, but we’re really pushing the limits of how many people will fit the venue. So I’m afraid allowing more is mostly out of the question. But I really like the idea of a separate event if Mr. T’s parents would like to host one. In some ways, the reception dinner does seem ideal if they plan to host it. But would it seem weird for the (rather small group of) other guests?
We too paid for our own wedding, and purposely booked a venue that holds a limited number of people as we knew the guest list would skyrocket with my husbands extended family if given the opportunity. We gently explained the fact that the venue couldn’t accomodate their extended family, friends, neighbors… ; ) We were just simply honest and sincere and maybe my inlaws are unqiue, but they understood with no hard feelings.
Luckily we had my FBIL set a precedent last year when he got married, and they had agreed on 3 couples for his parents. Any more and they agreed to pay for them. Phew!
this was a big deal with our families too- my FMIL wanted a wedding of 50 and my mom wanted a wedding of say… 800. in my parents culture its an insult to your family (extended family too) if you don’t invite them to your wedding so we had to compromise at 400. we purposely picked the venue to accomodate this number so that’s how it went for us.
since you’re venue won’t allow more guests, i would suggest another reception /party to honor your FMIL’s side. it may be weird for the smaller side of the family, but it’ll be ok! when you marry its not just the 2 of you, but a marriage of both your families and backgrounds.
Miss Tulip, I feel your pain!
When we set our ideal number of guests (150) we initially decided that we would slip the number down the middle and each invite 75 people, with a few extra invites allowing for people who may not be able to make it. The problem became that I have a HUGE family and my finace has a very small family. Most of my list consisted of aunts, uncles, cousins, spouses of cousins, etc. Most of his list consisted of friends. What we compromised on was this: we made a list of our family members on both sides, subtracted that from 150, and then split the remainder down the middle - around 30 each.
Of the thirty non-family invites I had to work with I invited about 8 couples that are long-time neighbors, friends, and co-workers of my family. My fiance did the same. Because his parents are divorced and his father is remarried, the amount of people his parents wanted to invite was ridiculous. Some of them he doesn’t even know. He had to put his foot down, let them know that we had to cut our list of friends considerably and we’re working on a budget.
I think 10 people is MORE than reasonable! If she wants a big party full of her posse, maybe she should offer to host a casual shindig for you guys when you return from your honeymoon or at some point after the wedding! We’re doing a backyard BBQ to get together with co-workers and friends who we weren’t able to invite.
We did the exact same thing, and our number was slightly less for each parent. You and Mr. Tulip are the ones paying, and it’s YOUR wedding! Don’t give in now, or she will walk all over you for the rest of your life!!!!! 10 people to invite to someone else’s wedding is more than generous. It’s not a party for her and her friends, it’s YOUR wedding!!! Do. Not. Give. In.
personally, i do feel bad for the parents. it is an exciting time for them too and they want to share it with everyone. yes, i know its your day, but think about how you would feel if it were your daughter getting married. would you be able to only invite 5 people (plus guests)? We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves….so I didn’t want them to go overboard. so i told them, write down everyone and anyone you want to bring and let me see the total number. we can then dwindle it down from there…. trust me, it was not easy for my parents to both think of themselves and us…it was difficult for them…if they invite one person from this group, they feel they have to invite so and so as well etc etc. anyway, they brought the final list and we worked it down….at least they felt we had an open mind about it all…and in the end, they felt so bad that they offered to pay for extra heads but this is a happy occassion and i dont want anyone to feel bad about anything! in the end of it all, its no big deal, we’re happy, my parents are happy and thats all that counts. i realize your wedding may be more intimate and you dont have the space to be able to invite whoever but id say jsut keep an open mind. if you do have some room, make a compromise….we also considered having a separate dinner on a different day to accomodate those we couldnt invite. it was a serious thought (and easier to handle than a wedding). i think its a great idea. good luck!
I guess a big part of this is how people perceive weddings. For me a wedding is a small intimate family and close friends event. For others it’s an invite everyone I’ve ever said Hi to thing. I never understood some of my sorority sister’s that sent an invitation to the sorority as a whole! Yeah were all sisters - but I wasn’t close to every single woman! I’m often shocked when I get invites to weddings. Flattered yes, I love weddings. But I wonder how I made the list!
Anyways - I believe it’s the bride and groom who get to decide how big/small the wedding is! The only slight change is if the parents are paying for everything - that to me gives them a little more say in who gets invited.
In your case - since you guys are paying for everything - your FMIL doesn’t have much say.
Lucky for us our guest list was super simple. Maybe I’m a little bit of a b*tch - but I didn’t stress about those who weren’t on the list. My mother did host an open house reception in my hometown which she was in charge of. There were about 70 or so guests there. It was great fun. My mom and I are close - so I know most of her friends well. It’s not that I didn’t want them at my wedding - I just wanted a small wedding. As it was we had 53 guests at the wedding - I would have been happy with 8! Her friends would have doubled the wedding!
Now my brother did have this issue with my parents. My mom wanted to invite her quartet to the wedding, my bro and his fiance basically said no. Mom offered to pay their way - but they said the space was too small (which it was). I remember it being a tense issue - my mom was sad about it. The compromise was her quartet came to the church to enjoy the wedding - but they did not come to the reception. It might seem weird - but it worked out great. Really most of our parents friends don’t care as much about the partying at the reception - but they do enjoy watching their friends’ children (who they watched grow up) tie the knot. Ceremonies are very beautiful to watch!
I know it’s hard when our own families add to the wedding stress! Good luck with your situation! It’ll all work out and your wedding day will be wonderful!
(This is a random side note. I bet in 20 years when you look back at your wedding - you’ll only still be friends with 30% of ‘your’ guests - but 80% of your parents guests will still be involved with their/your life)
We invited our parents’ friends for them, without asking who they wanted. We’ve lived with them for 30 years– we know who their friends are.
It ended up being my dad’s fraternity brothers, some folks from church, and two couples who had worked with my husband’s father overseas. All people who are on OUR Christmas card list, not just our parents’.
In fact, the Christmas card list is actually not that bad a guideline. If you don’t already know where to send the invitation, are they really people you need to have there?
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Mrs. Tulip, DC Age and Occupation: 36, Retired Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Counsel/DOO for Small Gov't Contractor Engagement Date: August 8, 2007 Wedding Date: March, 2008 Venue: Still Looking! About Me: In all my dreams of the man I'd someday marry, I never pictured anyone as perfect for me as Mr. Tulip. So now we just have to make it through the craziness of the wedding and the moving in together! I love crafts, sewing, jewelry making, and photography, so am looking forward to this chance for DIY fun. When not wedding planning, I'm playing with our dog and 4 cats, Ebay shopping, or watching too much TV (often simultaneously!).
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