- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee Blog
Before I begin, I’d like to say that this topic may be controversial. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone and I want to let you know that it is not my intention to do so.
My family immigrated to the states when I was 7 years old. Having spent 20 years in the states, I wouldn’t be lying if I said that I feel a bit detached from the Korean culture and traditions. Mr Peony says that I’m a twinkie (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) because I’m a lot more Americanized in my ideals and beliefs.
Mr Peony is from Hong Kong. He went to high school in London then came to the states for college, where we met. His parents still live in Hong Kong. He is a self-proclaimed FOB (fresh off the boat) and even after a decade of living in the states, he’s still deeply rooted to the Chinese culture and its traditions.
With this in mind, the hardest part of wedding planning has been the incorporation of the three cultures. More specifically:
Some readers may recall that we’re also having a separate traditional Chinese wedding banquet after the western wedding. Well, that solves the problem, right? Wrong. Mr Peony’s parents still want us to incorporate some Chinese traditions into our western wedding so that our guests will know that I’m marrying into a Chinese family.
The thing is, I don’t want to have dress changes, which is a common element in Chinese weddings. I LOVE my white wedding gown and I want to wear it for as long as possible, because I will only be wearing for one day. However, my FIL’s want me to change into a qipao during our western wedding reception. Which prompted my mother to ask me to change into a hanbok (a traditional Korean dress) during the reception also.
I also have a very sensitive palate and I can’t eat any meat other than chicken, beef, pork, and some shellfish. Some dishes that are served in Chinese restaurants (let alone at a traditional Chinese wedding banquet) scare me. I refuse to eat shark fin soup. I detest duck/squab. I can’t stomach the thought of eating frog legs, tripe, chicken feet, pig’s blood, etc. However, this is the food that Mr Peony grew up with and I need to respect that.
I admit that I feel very bridezilla-ish whenever we have these discussions, because I keep thinking to myself, “this is my wedding and I should be able to do what I want.” However, our families are very important to both Mr Peony and I. In addition, we’re both the oldest children in our families, which puts even more pressure on us to have a wedding that will make the families happy.
We’re still working on the details and still debating about various parts of the wedding. For now, we have decided:
Has anyone else experienced cultural clashes when planning their wedding? How did you handle it?
I don’t think you need to do #4, I’ve never seen or heard of anyone offended by someone not eating a certain dish. Personally I think people will be too busy to notice if you are not eating a tripe dish or shark fin soup. Just eat what you like.
I can certainly relate! Mr. Jasmine’s family is Pakistani and mine is Indian. We also have two different religious backgrounds. His family is a lot more traditional and mine is super liberal and Americanized. Although we have a lot of cultural similarities, we have *many* differences as well– especially when it comes to weddings.
We’ve just taken every decision as it comes and tried to figure out a solution that makes us happy, makes our families happy enough, and honors who we are and where we’re from. It’s definitely not always easy and I would be lying if I said we hadn’t had a few blow-ups over it. But we just do the best we can and compromise as much as possible.
It sounds like you’re handling the situation with a lot of grace and your compromises sound very fair. Best of luck in treading these difficult waters– I can definitely relate and if you ever need to vent, let me know 
Oh about #4: Is there symbolic/cultural necessity in tasting every dish? If not, I think it’s probably okay not to eat it. People have to be understanding that everyone has individual tastes and comfort levels.
My FI and I don’t have to worry about cultural differences, but there is a difference in formality/conservatism. We both grew up in a rather conservative denomination, and will be getting married in my home church. His grandfather is one of the past “big wigs” in the denomination. I love his family and am not bothered by that at all…except about my wedding dress and the bridesmaids dresses.
We want a pretty laid back wedding. I’m pretty much giving my bridesmaids a color and letting them choose whatever dress they like, as long as it’s knee length or longer and completely covers the girls. I have completely fallen in love with a strapless dress by Alvina Valenta, style #AV9710. This is where the problem comes in. When I casually mentioned that I really like strapless dresses, FI spoke up and said that his family would not be to happy about that. A part of me just wants to say, “Hey bud, it’s our wedding! Not theirs!” but I also want to respect them.
i feel you on #4..i’m chinese and i hate chinese banquet food. actually..i hate seafood period. and..i think you will have to “wet your lips” because those sitting at your table will notice if you’re not eating anything. i’ve been to THREE chinese banquets in the past month and a half and when it’s time to bring the next dish out, the waiters just start dishing all the stuff from the plate onto everyone’s plate to clear the dish and bring the next one out. why do they do that?? yucky..anyway..good luck..i suggest stuffing yourself before hand (like i’ve been doing~!) and just smiling and picking at your food when you get there~!
I am Chinese. And I am sure that there is no tradition that says that you need to taste each dish. Plus most people don’t even have time to eat much at their own weddings anyway. Also I’m sure that there are PLENTY of other things you can serve besides duck/squab, pigs blood, tripe. I have never been to a chinese wedding where the latter two items have been served either (those are more dim sum dishes). Sharks fin is very common, but like I said, don’t feel pressured to have to eat everything. A very common menu is just chicken, beef and lobster.
I sympathize for you having to fit THREE different cultures in and wanting to wear your gorgeous white gown for longer. Perhaps you can take pictures in your cultural wear earlier in the day or later in the evening just to please the parents. And then get most of your wedding time in your white dress!
Just in time. My next post is on my 4 dress changes and what I thought about them. I completely sympathize. You don’t have 1 or 2, but 3 cultures with thick traditions to compromise.
I recommend that for the foods that you don’t like. Just don’t eat them. I don’t eat fish and bad smelling seafood, I pick around them and then when it’s safe (when no ones looking) or fiance has finished eating his portion, I pick what I don’t eat on my plate and give it to him. It also makes you look GENEROUS for giving him the good stuff.
And I have to add, that no one really pays attention to see if the bride and groom are eating because everyone is probably starving from the delay of “asian time” and are stuffing their face silly. To this day, I have never seen a chinese banquet go on time.
chinese banquet food meats include those that you listed you will eat. perhaps it’s the preparation and seasonings that make you queasy. i know that my family from korea has a hard time eating it, but they have a hard time eating anything besides korean food.
i’m korean. he’s half thai, half chinese. we were both born and raised in the states and are pretty americanized. i somewhat regret our decision to keep it simple, but to prevent from anyone’s feelings getting hurt, due to budgetary reasons, and to keep our wedding from being like 12 hours long in trying to fit in paebaek/tea ceremony/thai water/hand tying cremomonies, we cut out all the cultural traditions. luckily, our families share a common faith, so we just followed those traditions for the ceremony. we did the rehearsal lunch at a korean restaurant, but that’s about all we did to integrate our culture. both of us were raised to be pretty independent, and all of our parents are pretty laid back and let us do our own thing, especially since we paid for the whole shebang.
Miss Peony: I really enjoy your thoughtful posts.
I know where you’re coming from. Mr. Canary is a mix of Italian, Swedish, and French-Canadian heritage whereas I am 100% Chinese. We are also the oldest from both families. But I’m lucky in that Mr. Canary is an egg (white on the outside, yellow on the inside). He will eat shark’s fin soup and abalone, which pleases my parents.
But it’s not always going to be easy and it hasn’t been. At the beginning stages of planning, my parents didn’t understand why we couldn’t just have a traditional Chinese banquet, and I told them I never envisioned my wedding to be that way. So to make me happy, they compromised and we are having a Western style wedding. But to compromise we are going to have a tea ceremony where both sets of parents are participating in and I will have dress changes.
I am very lucky that both sets of parents have been accommodating (especially since they’ve never met!) and want to embrace the other’s culture. Mr. C is actually going to wear a Mandarin jacket during the tea ceremony. And during the reception Mr. C’s mom will also change into a qipao.
As with all wedding decisions, it’s been a give and take… and I believe this is just the beginning. I’m sure once we have our own family, it will be even harder when both families will probably have different opinions as to how we raise our children, etc…
But for now… we’re going to take it slowly.
It sounds like you’ve been doing a great job of working out the cultural differences between both families. You’re going to have a fantastic wedding no matter what, because it will ultimately be about you and Mr. Peony.
I’m Cantonese, and had a Chinese wedding. You can always choose the dish you guys desire for the Chinese banquet. I don’t think Duck is the main course dish for a banquet, it’s mostly chickens and seafood that is mostly the main course of the wedding. However you don’t have to eat certain foods that you don’t like and I’m sure your in laws will understand your food of taste. It’s your wedding I’m sure there are guide lines that you want to respect both of your families but don’t make it that you have to 100% follow certain things that you are not comfortable with. Good Luck!
i am chinese and fh is korean and we are doing the paebek during CH as well. i will also change into a red cheongsam but no tea ceremony, since fh is not chinese (lion dance instead). i love having both sides of the family get introduced to everything. when i tried to have the paebek done in a remote area, my family said nooo we want to see it! i understand where you’re coming from…but its a beautiful thing. koreans get their ceremony, chinese get their lion dance (or dress change) and we are having a western wedding. you CAN have all 3….as for the chinese banquet, gosh shark fin is the BEST but i understand where you’re coming from. =) you don’t have to eat anything you dont want to eat and there are plenty of delicious chinese dishes that you will enjoy. i would have his family choose the menu to give them that sense of participation and there is a meaning behind each dish and how many dishes. I want my FH’s family to experience a chinese banquet at some point and they are actually anxious to try one as well. it will be a great experience for all. good luck!
My FI and I used to have culture clashes all the time when we were first courting and through our 2nd dating anniversary. Things still arise but they are not volatile like they used to be every so often in the past. Everyone culture has their “twinkie” smack talk… or oreo, or coconut, or apple. You get the idea. I like the term 1.5 for you. You are first generation here but you were young… so you aren’t quite the second generation born on U. S. soil but have been around this culture for a loooong time.
In your situation I am most sorry that you can’t handle the food. Some of it is an important part of Chinese weddings. However you do what you have to do. My best friend is Chinese from an old-school Chinese family and I felt bad for not going near the shark fin soup at the wedding banquet but her family knows I never go near that stuff (I hate the inhumane way the fins are obtained). Luckily I wasn’t scolded (yes her parents still scold me). Have some food prepared that you do want to eat and keep some of the symbolic food around to appease the family since that is a concern.
Good luck and I look forward to see how all the compromises work out for the wedding
I’d like to reiterate the fact that most of the foods worthy of your “puke” will not be served at a traditional chinese banquet. That being said, a lot of the dishes are served because of their symbolic nature - not simply to make you “puke.”
You don’t have to eat every dish. My fiance is personally offended by shark’s fin soup - which is understandable. He won’t eat duck either because he grew up with them as household pets. But if you’re entering marriage with a Chinese “FOB”, you’ll have to get off your high horse. Food is very, very important to the Chinese. Please be respectful.
Sorry if this sounds rude, but IMO, getting hung up on the menu items is the least of your concerns.
Miss Peony! I am half Korean so I am way more out of touch than you are in regards to the Korean Traditions. Could you fill me in…I really want to do one traditional Korean Wedding thing. Do you have any websites to refer me to?
My wedding will be French/Korean/Midwestern!??! What…I am still trying to find the French Traditions…if anyone knows of any please pass them on!
Thanks!
IMO - I think Miss Peony was using the menu items as an example of the culture clash and not meant to insult the Chinese culture. She has respect for her fi’s family which is why she is trying to strike a compromise.
Ms. Peony, I can totally relate. I really don’t have any advice since I”m actually going through similar dilemma… FI’s family has been difficult to work with. They want everything their ways. At this point, I”m too tired to even argue 
tanya, i’m half korean too! and will eventually be marrying a midwesterner. lol. though the bf has always had a respectful interest in asian cultures so he’s excited about the korean elements i plan on integrating into our wedding.
i think you’re doing a great job compromising miss peony. please keep us updated on how it all goes
Mrs. Snow Pea -
I understand your point. Again, I didn’t intend to be rude. That being said, it is my firm belief that how someone views a culture can be exemplified by how that person approaches that culture’s cuisine. Yes, Peony may not like the taste or texture of duck, but to say that she will “puke” if it’s swallowed is quite immature, IMO. And yes, Peony may not realize what roast pork, fish, etc. symbolizes, but willful ignorance does not give anyone a free pass.
Chef Anthony Bourdain travelled to the African savannah and was offered cultural delicacies by elder tribesmen. I think one offering was a goat’s anus cooked by the heat of the earth and eaten without a good H2O rinsing. Chef Bourdain ate it with a certain graciousness and respect. I hope Ms. Peony can do the same with the entrees served in Chinatown.
Lastly, I am as twinkie as you’ll get…and this has been my response (i.e. I’m flabbergasted!). Imagine who old school Hong Kongese would react if they read Peony’s original post! I’m honestly just trying to help, and apologize if anyone’s been offended.
Miss Peony,
I also enjoy reading your posts.
I just want to say that you are being verrrry accommodating - I don’t think I would/could be.
Good luck - and don’t eat the foods you don’t like! You are already making soooo many compromises. Part of my melting pot of heritage is being a Scot - even smelling haggis makes me get a little sick in my mouth (def. TMI, but I felt the need to share ;p )
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Mrs. Peony, New York Age and Occupation: 27, Marketing Coordinator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, QA Engineer Engagement Date: June 28, 2007 Wedding Date: April 18, 2008 Venue: The Fountainhead Blogging Since: August 7, 2007 About Me: Both Mr. Peony and I are huge computer nerds, and our conversations usually consist of the latest gadgets, programming languages, and video games. At the same time, I can also be very girly with an obsession with handbags, makeup, and high heels. And art! I've studied studio art extensively, almost majored in art history, and freelance as a web and graphics designer. Mr. Peony and I are having a ball of a time planning a wedding for 250(!) guests, doing our best to infuse our personalities (geeky chic) with the wishes of our very traditional Asian parents.
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 29 | 30 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 |
| 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |
| 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 |
| 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
Latest Gallery Pics