Wedding Blog
Before I begin, I’d like to say that this topic may be controversial. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone and I want to let you know that it is not my intention to do so.
My family immigrated to the states when I was 7 years old. Having spent 20 years in the states, I wouldn’t be lying if I said that I feel a bit detached from the Korean culture and traditions. Mr Peony says that I’m a twinkie (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) because I’m a lot more Americanized in my ideals and beliefs.
Mr Peony is from Hong Kong. He went to high school in London then came to the states for college, where we met. His parents still live in Hong Kong. He is a self-proclaimed FOB (fresh off the boat) and even after a decade of living in the states, he’s still deeply rooted to the Chinese culture and its traditions.
With this in mind, the hardest part of wedding planning has been the incorporation of the three cultures. More specifically:
Some readers may recall that we’re also having a separate traditional Chinese wedding banquet after the western wedding. Well, that solves the problem, right? Wrong. Mr Peony’s parents still want us to incorporate some Chinese traditions into our western wedding so that our guests will know that I’m marrying into a Chinese family.
The thing is, I don’t want to have dress changes, which is a common element in Chinese weddings. I LOVE my white wedding gown and I want to wear it for as long as possible, because I will only be wearing for one day. However, my FIL’s want me to change into a qipao during our western wedding reception. Which prompted my mother to ask me to change into a hanbok (a traditional Korean dress) during the reception also.
I also have a very sensitive palate and I can’t eat any meat other than chicken, beef, pork, and some shellfish. Some dishes that are served in Chinese restaurants (let alone at a traditional Chinese wedding banquet) scare me. I refuse to eat shark fin soup. I detest duck/squab. I can’t stomach the thought of eating frog legs, tripe, chicken feet, pig’s blood, etc. However, this is the food that Mr Peony grew up with and I need to respect that.
I admit that I feel very bridezilla-ish whenever we have these discussions, because I keep thinking to myself, “this is my wedding and I should be able to do what I want.” However, our families are very important to both Mr Peony and I. In addition, we’re both the oldest children in our families, which puts even more pressure on us to have a wedding that will make the families happy.
We’re still working on the details and still debating about various parts of the wedding. For now, we have decided:
Has anyone else experienced cultural clashes when planning their wedding? How did you handle it?
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I don’t think you need to do #4, I’ve never seen or heard of anyone offended by someone not eating a certain dish. Personally I think people will be too busy to notice if you are not eating a tripe dish or shark fin soup. Just eat what you like.
I can certainly relate! Mr. Jasmine’s family is Pakistani and mine is Indian. We also have two different religious backgrounds. His family is a lot more traditional and mine is super liberal and Americanized. Although we have a lot of cultural similarities, we have *many* differences as well– especially when it comes to weddings.
We’ve just taken every decision as it comes and tried to figure out a solution that makes us happy, makes our families happy enough, and honors who we are and where we’re from. It’s definitely not always easy and I would be lying if I said we hadn’t had a few blow-ups over it. But we just do the best we can and compromise as much as possible.
It sounds like you’re handling the situation with a lot of grace and your compromises sound very fair. Best of luck in treading these difficult waters– I can definitely relate and if you ever need to vent, let me know 
Oh about #4: Is there symbolic/cultural necessity in tasting every dish? If not, I think it’s probably okay not to eat it. People have to be understanding that everyone has individual tastes and comfort levels.
My FI and I don’t have to worry about cultural differences, but there is a difference in formality/conservatism. We both grew up in a rather conservative denomination, and will be getting married in my home church. His grandfather is one of the past “big wigs” in the denomination. I love his family and am not bothered by that at all…except about my wedding dress and the bridesmaids dresses.
We want a pretty laid back wedding. I’m pretty much giving my bridesmaids a color and letting them choose whatever dress they like, as long as it’s knee length or longer and completely covers the girls. I have completely fallen in love with a strapless dress by Alvina Valenta, style #AV9710. This is where the problem comes in. When I casually mentioned that I really like strapless dresses, FI spoke up and said that his family would not be to happy about that. A part of me just wants to say, “Hey bud, it’s our wedding! Not theirs!” but I also want to respect them.
i feel you on #4..i’m chinese and i hate chinese banquet food. actually..i hate seafood period. and..i think you will have to “wet your lips” because those sitting at your table will notice if you’re not eating anything. i’ve been to THREE chinese banquets in the past month and a half and when it’s time to bring the next dish out, the waiters just start dishing all the stuff from the plate onto everyone’s plate to clear the dish and bring the next one out. why do they do that?? yucky..anyway..good luck..i suggest stuffing yourself before hand (like i’ve been doing~!) and just smiling and picking at your food when you get there~!
I am Chinese. And I am sure that there is no tradition that says that you need to taste each dish. Plus most people don’t even have time to eat much at their own weddings anyway. Also I’m sure that there are PLENTY of other things you can serve besides duck/squab, pigs blood, tripe. I have never been to a chinese wedding where the latter two items have been served either (those are more dim sum dishes). Sharks fin is very common, but like I said, don’t feel pressured to have to eat everything. A very common menu is just chicken, beef and lobster.
I sympathize for you having to fit THREE different cultures in and wanting to wear your gorgeous white gown for longer. Perhaps you can take pictures in your cultural wear earlier in the day or later in the evening just to please the parents. And then get most of your wedding time in your white dress!
Just in time. My next post is on my 4 dress changes and what I thought about them. I completely sympathize. You don’t have 1 or 2, but 3 cultures with thick traditions to compromise.
I recommend that for the foods that you don’t like. Just don’t eat them. I don’t eat fish and bad smelling seafood, I pick around them and then when it’s safe (when no ones looking) or fiance has finished eating his portion, I pick what I don’t eat on my plate and give it to him. It also makes you look GENEROUS for giving him the good stuff.
And I have to add, that no one really pays attention to see if the bride and groom are eating because everyone is probably starving from the delay of “asian time” and are stuffing their face silly. To this day, I have never seen a chinese banquet go on time.
chinese banquet food meats include those that you listed you will eat. perhaps it’s the preparation and seasonings that make you queasy. i know that my family from korea has a hard time eating it, but they have a hard time eating anything besides korean food.
i’m korean. he’s half thai, half chinese. we were both born and raised in the states and are pretty americanized. i somewhat regret our decision to keep it simple, but to prevent from anyone’s feelings getting hurt, due to budgetary reasons, and to keep our wedding from being like 12 hours long in trying to fit in paebaek/tea ceremony/thai water/hand tying cremomonies, we cut out all the cultural traditions. luckily, our families share a common faith, so we just followed those traditions for the ceremony. we did the rehearsal lunch at a korean restaurant, but that’s about all we did to integrate our culture. both of us were raised to be pretty independent, and all of our parents are pretty laid back and let us do our own thing, especially since we paid for the whole shebang.
Miss Peony: I really enjoy your thoughtful posts.
I know where you’re coming from. Mr. Canary is a mix of Italian, Swedish, and French-Canadian heritage whereas I am 100% Chinese. We are also the oldest from both families. But I’m lucky in that Mr. Canary is an egg (white on the outside, yellow on the inside). He will eat shark’s fin soup and abalone, which pleases my parents.
But it’s not always going to be easy and it hasn’t been. At the beginning stages of planning, my parents didn’t understand why we couldn’t just have a traditional Chinese banquet, and I told them I never envisioned my wedding to be that way. So to make me happy, they compromised and we are having a Western style wedding. But to compromise we are going to have a tea ceremony where both sets of parents are participating in and I will have dress changes.
I am very lucky that both sets of parents have been accommodating (especially since they’ve never met!) and want to embrace the other’s culture. Mr. C is actually going to wear a Mandarin jacket during the tea ceremony. And during the reception Mr. C’s mom will also change into a qipao.
As with all wedding decisions, it’s been a give and take… and I believe this is just the beginning. I’m sure once we have our own family, it will be even harder when both families will probably have different opinions as to how we raise our children, etc…
But for now… we’re going to take it slowly.
It sounds like you’ve been doing a great job of working out the cultural differences between both families. You’re going to have a fantastic wedding no matter what, because it will ultimately be about you and Mr. Peony.
I’m Cantonese, and had a Chinese wedding. You can always choose the dish you guys desire for the Chinese banquet. I don’t think Duck is the main course dish for a banquet, it’s mostly chickens and seafood that is mostly the main course of the wedding. However you don’t have to eat certain foods that you don’t like and I’m sure your in laws will understand your food of taste. It’s your wedding I’m sure there are guide lines that you want to respect both of your families but don’t make it that you have to 100% follow certain things that you are not comfortable with. Good Luck!
i am chinese and fh is korean and we are doing the paebek during CH as well. i will also change into a red cheongsam but no tea ceremony, since fh is not chinese (lion dance instead). i love having both sides of the family get introduced to everything. when i tried to have the paebek done in a remote area, my family said nooo we want to see it! i understand where you’re coming from…but its a beautiful thing. koreans get their ceremony, chinese get their lion dance (or dress change) and we are having a western wedding. you CAN have all 3….as for the chinese banquet, gosh shark fin is the BEST but i understand where you’re coming from. =) you don’t have to eat anything you dont want to eat and there are plenty of delicious chinese dishes that you will enjoy. i would have his family choose the menu to give them that sense of participation and there is a meaning behind each dish and how many dishes. I want my FH’s family to experience a chinese banquet at some point and they are actually anxious to try one as well. it will be a great experience for all. good luck!
My FI and I used to have culture clashes all the time when we were first courting and through our 2nd dating anniversary. Things still arise but they are not volatile like they used to be every so often in the past. Everyone culture has their “twinkie” smack talk… or oreo, or coconut, or apple. You get the idea. I like the term 1.5 for you. You are first generation here but you were young… so you aren’t quite the second generation born on U. S. soil but have been around this culture for a loooong time.
In your situation I am most sorry that you can’t handle the food. Some of it is an important part of Chinese weddings. However you do what you have to do. My best friend is Chinese from an old-school Chinese family and I felt bad for not going near the shark fin soup at the wedding banquet but her family knows I never go near that stuff (I hate the inhumane way the fins are obtained). Luckily I wasn’t scolded (yes her parents still scold me). Have some food prepared that you do want to eat and keep some of the symbolic food around to appease the family since that is a concern.
Good luck and I look forward to see how all the compromises work out for the wedding
I’d like to reiterate the fact that most of the foods worthy of your “puke” will not be served at a traditional chinese banquet. That being said, a lot of the dishes are served because of their symbolic nature - not simply to make you “puke.”
You don’t have to eat every dish. My fiance is personally offended by shark’s fin soup - which is understandable. He won’t eat duck either because he grew up with them as household pets. But if you’re entering marriage with a Chinese “FOB”, you’ll have to get off your high horse. Food is very, very important to the Chinese. Please be respectful.
Sorry if this sounds rude, but IMO, getting hung up on the menu items is the least of your concerns.
Miss Peony! I am half Korean so I am way more out of touch than you are in regards to the Korean Traditions. Could you fill me in…I really want to do one traditional Korean Wedding thing. Do you have any websites to refer me to?
My wedding will be French/Korean/Midwestern!??! What…I am still trying to find the French Traditions…if anyone knows of any please pass them on!
Thanks!
IMO - I think Miss Peony was using the menu items as an example of the culture clash and not meant to insult the Chinese culture. She has respect for her fi’s family which is why she is trying to strike a compromise.
Ms. Peony, I can totally relate. I really don’t have any advice since I”m actually going through similar dilemma… FI’s family has been difficult to work with. They want everything their ways. At this point, I”m too tired to even argue 
tanya, i’m half korean too! and will eventually be marrying a midwesterner. lol. though the bf has always had a respectful interest in asian cultures so he’s excited about the korean elements i plan on integrating into our wedding.
i think you’re doing a great job compromising miss peony. please keep us updated on how it all goes
Mrs. Snow Pea -
I understand your point. Again, I didn’t intend to be rude. That being said, it is my firm belief that how someone views a culture can be exemplified by how that person approaches that culture’s cuisine. Yes, Peony may not like the taste or texture of duck, but to say that she will “puke” if it’s swallowed is quite immature, IMO. And yes, Peony may not realize what roast pork, fish, etc. symbolizes, but willful ignorance does not give anyone a free pass.
Chef Anthony Bourdain travelled to the African savannah and was offered cultural delicacies by elder tribesmen. I think one offering was a goat’s anus cooked by the heat of the earth and eaten without a good H2O rinsing. Chef Bourdain ate it with a certain graciousness and respect. I hope Ms. Peony can do the same with the entrees served in Chinatown.
Lastly, I am as twinkie as you’ll get…and this has been my response (i.e. I’m flabbergasted!). Imagine who old school Hong Kongese would react if they read Peony’s original post! I’m honestly just trying to help, and apologize if anyone’s been offended.
Miss Peony,
I also enjoy reading your posts.
I just want to say that you are being verrrry accommodating - I don’t think I would/could be.
Good luck - and don’t eat the foods you don’t like! You are already making soooo many compromises. Part of my melting pot of heritage is being a Scot - even smelling haggis makes me get a little sick in my mouth (def. TMI, but I felt the need to share ;p )
Potential culture clashes were actually some of the biggest reasons my FI and I wanted to do a destination wedding. I’m German-Russian Mennonite/Scotch/Dutch/Irish/Native American and He’s African-American/Native American/Hispanic/Philippino so we really couldn’t have incorporate everything even if we wanted to. And wow will our kids have a lot of cultures to learn about!
We really wanted to avoid the awkwardness of having a wedding in my parents’ super conservative (albeit not Amish or old-order) Mennonite church and flying in a bunch of African-American relatives who would be the only non-whites in town. Nor did we want to make the Mennonite relatives feel awkward in an African-American church (even though it would likely be good for them to experience a black church that wasn’t missionary-based).
So we are creating our own traditions in a liberal, non-denominational wedding in the Caribbean with only our closest friends and immediate family.
Hey ladies! We kinda knew this post would be controversial, but thought that it’s better to have these discussions than to pretend these issues don’t come up!
I’m hoping we can disagree while still being civil.
IMO - I think you make some fair points, and I can see that you felt you had to defend your culture. But would you mind using your usual username, rather than switching to a new anonymous one?
And HamiHarri - I deleted your PS, to keep the focus on the topic at hand. I appreciate your comment though! I also deleted IMO’s comment responding to yours, for the same reason.
miss p,
you are very accommodating! hopefully, all your dress changing will be rewarded with beautiful wedding pictures!
Tea - can you send me your info you have collected so far on Korean weddings…i am really having a hard time. Tawnee801@yahoo.com
Thanks!
IMO
I agree with you. I think a lot of the Bees who are marrying outside of their culture - (and quite a few are) should be aware of how they come off when either they refuse or their partner refuses to (or makes faces) at their partners customs. I find it very immature.
On a side note:
Mrs.Bee- if the reader of Wedding Bee are primarily Asian and you are Asian (I think - I don’t want to assume) why is the wedding bee bride white?
i feel like almost everyone planning a wedding can relate to this post in some way, whether it’s religious, cultural, or personality we are all so different! just like marriage, wedding planning is all about compromise- not only between you & FI but with the in-laws & your own parents. sounds like you are doing a great job trying to balance it all. good luck!
Sorry Bee, I am new to this site and didn’t realize that Big Brother was lurking. This is your site and I understand why you feel the need to censor and even call a participant out like you have.
For the third time, I didn’t intend to offend anyone. If this has happened, I humbly apologize.
This IS a tough topic, but why post it if you don’t want varying opinions and insights?
Wow. IMO, imo, you got called out b/c your posting was rude, plain and simple. Miss Peony admitted she has a sensitive palate–some people have weak stomachs and simply can’t eat certain foods. Would you insist she eat cake if she were diabetic simply b/c it’s an important tradition in western weddings to have the bride and groom feed each other cake? I don’t see how this is different.
IMO - when a reader wants to disagree with a bee or another commenter, we ask that they stand behind their opinions and comments instead of switching to an anonymous name.
we always welcome varying opinions and insights, however when comments are abusive, have personal attacks, or are off-topic, we do delete them… but on very rare occasions.
we encourage everyone to voice their opinions, but we ask that you be civil. So let’s please just focus on the matter at hand: cultural clashes in the wedding planning process.
Edit comment:
i’m sorry if i came off harsh…
my comment above was just a reminder to the entire weddingbee community re: our comment policy.
Yes. I am Hispanic and my husband of one month is Vietnamese/Chinese. You are stronger than I, I had to be bride-zilla and say no to the traditional food. We didn’t do either “my type nor his type” of food we did American…so there would appear to be neutral ground. We did incorporate small things such as one dress change for me, and a Lion Dance, and we had Margarita’s and Mariachi’s..so you can do this and actually ENJOY the blending of cultures..I know our guest did…Don’t eat the stuff you don’t want to..NOT worth you having a tummy ache on your special day..just pretend..and fill up on cake=)
One more thing I just read another comment which is what we did. So I would only have to change ONCE so I could wear my white dress longer( I wore the Chinese Style dress for 1 hour during toasts) then switched back to the white dress. we took pictures 2 months before in our Vietnamese clothes and simply displayed those during at the wedding..ONE less outfit to switch into.
I think it’s also good to remind people that one can’t always control how one reacts to food. Miss Peony knows herself, she knows she has a sensitive stomach and I’m sure if it was 100% up to her she’d gladly enjoy every last bit of it…but the reality is there are just some foods that don’t agree with some people…whether it’s a mental block or a physical block it’s still a block, so I don’t think she should be judged because she can’t eat each and every thing at the wedding. The important thing is that she tries to respect the culture and she’s willing to do that by having a Chinese Banquet to begin with even though it is not her background. She’s even willing to fake eating to show those around her she respects what the food means to them. It’s not like she’s dumping the food on the floor or making gaging noises at the table.
I really didn’t think her post was all that controversial.
Personally I can’t handle anything with too much caffeine, too much lactose, and absolutely no coffee. Some people can’t handle any spice without getting sick. I’d hate to be judged based on what my body was able to accomodate.
Just wanted to point out that it’s not immature to say you’ll puke if you eat a particular food. Some people just have reactions to particular food, and to tell them to eat it anyway because it is symbolic is ridiculous. I had bad experiences with purple koolaid and maple syrup when i was a child, and warning someone that I will puke if I eat them is just sensible: I actually will puke. I have a friend with the same problem with cherries. If my parents were to demand sweet potato fries and maple syrup just because my people eat them during my wedding, I would absolutely quell my inner fear of being a Bridezilla and refuse. Or at the very least explain that I would make a point of puking on them if I had to puke. Respecting culture is not about blind obedience: it’s just that in the old days, someone would conveniently and silently solve the problem. If there was a food that would make a bride sick, it would accidentally be ruined, etc. Or, as in Miss Peony’s solution, she would mime eating.
I think the “bridezilla culture” is way too quick to label brides who just want to avoid unnecessary complication (because the ones who demand doing it a certain way are the true bridezillas, not the ones that say “let’s not do that.”)
Miss Peony, you may be able to get out of eating quite a few of the courses, if you two have to get up and toast the tables.
Plus many of the restaurants can change the menu to your wishes, so you may be able to make some changes that are pleasing to you.
I’m Chinese marrying a Korean, and we haven’t even discussed yet (argh…) how to handle the cultural aspects of the ceremonies because we are both the oldest child with many expectations.
Want to hear something funny? I’m Vietnamese. My fiance is also Vietnamese. We’re also both Catholics. Easy, simple wedding, right? WRONG. Even with our cultural and religious similarities, we’re still having to compromise sooo much just to please our parents. Haha. But it’s okay, in the end, the most important thing we have to remember is that the day is about us starting a new life together, not about the shark fin soup, or the three dress changes, or the matching ribbons and flowers.
Good luck to you, Miss Peony. You will be a beautiful bride. I wish you and your fiance the best!!
I think your compromise is very reasonable and accommodating. Personally though, being a twinkie myself, I find cultural dresses absolutely beautiful and would love the opportunity to wear more than one so I am a bit envious of you since you get to wear so many!
My situation is a little different since my future in laws are really hands-off about the wedding plans, but here is what we are doing. I am white (Norwegian ancestors) and my fiance is Chinese (parents are from Hong Kong, he was born here). I will wear a cheongsam to our rehearsal dinner and a white dress to the wedding. We are having a tea ceremony during the ceremony and I have selected green as one of my colors as it is considered to be a lucky color for Scandinavian weddings. My FIL’s did get us a red cloth thing that people sign (sorry I dont know the name or the tradition behind it. They just emailed us from a trip to Hong Kong and said they got it for us. I haven’t had a chance to talk with them about it yet).We are having american food and the usual western style wedding stuff - much of which is derived from Norwegian and Scandinavian traditions.
Good luck Miss Peony.
Thank you to everyone for your honest responses.
To IMO and Silly Bride - I believe a wedding (well, all relationships in general) are about compromises. No matter how great you get along, there’s bound to be some differences.
To Mr Peony and me, one of those differences is food. He’s willing to eat anything that’s put in front of him and I’m very very picky because, as many people have mentioned, everyone reacts differently to food and the thought of eating some things are just unbearable to me. This is not specific to Chinese cuisine. I also have trouble eating types of Korean, American, French, Italian, etc….the list goes on.
The important thing is that Mr Peony and his family accepts this little quirk about me. Mr Peony knows that I will never cook for him some of his favorite Chinese dishes, but it’s something he’s willing to accept.
Along similar lines, my family and I accept that there are some things that are uncomfortable to Mr Peony or his family and we do not force that on them either. For example, my mother really wanted to throw us a large engagement party (which is typical of Koreans) complete with cake-cutting and a hired photographer. However, Mr Peony’s brother got married this year and so his family declined because in Chinese culture, there should not be two large celebrations within the same family in the same year.
To be honest, your comments hurt a bit because this is just the way I am and all I wanted to do was share with the Weddingbee community what we’ve been going through. I believe that one of the best things about Weddingbee is that you really get to know the bloggers - we all share tidbits about our lives in addition to the wedding planning process. And from talking with my friends, I realized that this is a common problem, but I couldn’t recall anyone blogging about it. Like Mrs Bee said, sometimes it’s better to have these conversations rather than pretend it never comes up.
aw. i feel you miss peony. i too have very similar culture clashes between me and my FI family… and i’m still battling through them. we have to do a lot of give and take you know.. choosing the battles you really care about and then letting go on the others. i’ve had to do this so many times… for me, choosing a venue that would accomodate our large guests (asian reception) was the biggest thing…but then my FI family was picky about food. so we let them choose the entire menu. but in regards to a lot of the ceremonial traditions.. that’s a work in progress.
also, i wanted to encourage you in your blogging… its normal for people to have different responses and perceive written text in ways in which we may not have thought our writing may have come across. but don’t let that deter you from blogging. by blogging you do put yourself vulnerable at times but, by doing so, you have truly opened up a commoness and connectedness amongst readers who are experiencing the same things you are. so keep on blogging (controversial issues too)- your posts are refreshing to read! =D
hmm.. i didn’t find this post offensive… i’m korean and i L-O-V-E chinese banquet food. anyway, thanks again miss peony for your thoughts & honesty. like other posters said above, you are doing a great job. my FI is jewish but we haven’t had any culture clashes YET (but we are very early on in our planning stages hehe)
they dont serve frog legs, tripe, chicken feet, pig’s blood at chinese weddings. and plus, you wont have time to eat anyway.
First of all I think mediagirl definitely wins the multi-cultural family prize!
And seeing how everyone who has responded can name their background is a good reminder that it is important to be aware the traditions of our ancestors… AND how lucky we are to live in a time when we are free to seek happiness, find love, and marry outside of our traditional ethnic/social/cultural/age “group” and that we have the leeway to design individualized celebrations that can incorporate—or NOT—those traditions.
I think Miss Peony had shown great respect and bravery by being willing to put food she finds repulsive to her lips in the name of love and harmony with her FIL.
As for the reference to Bourdain… in addition to being irrelevant to Miss P’s concerns, as a veteran of the restaurant world, I can tell you that top-flight chefs are willing to eat ANYTHING once, so chowing down on unwashed anus was probably a secret THRILL for him!
First of all I think mediagirl definitely wins the multi-cultural family prize!
And seeing how everyone who has responded can name their background is a good reminder that it is important to be aware the traditions of our ancestors… AND how lucky we are to live in a time when we are free to seek happiness, find love, and marry outside of our traditional ethnic/social/cultural/age “group” and that we have the leeway to design individualized celebrations that can incorporate—or NOT—those traditions.
I think Miss Peony had shown great respect and bravery by being willing to put food she finds repulsive to her lips in the name of love and harmony with her FIL.
As for the reference to Bourdain… in addition to being irrelevant to Miss P’s concerns, as a veteran of the restaurant world, I can tell you that top-flight chefs are willing to eat ANYTHING once, so chowing down on unwashed anus was probably a secret THRILL for him!
I discovered this site while googling the gown I ordered. I then discovered that many of the bloggers and readers are of Asian heritage, while many more are involved in multi-cultural relationships. I am a proud member of both categories.
Peony, I apologize if my thoughts have hit a nerve. However, the very nature of blogging requires insightful and evocative reader participation. Sometimes with these bridal sites, brides are so consumed with the big day that they start losing focus on what’s really important (i.e. the love you and Mr. have for each other). I cannot speak for said relationship, however, I do have experience with traditional Chinese families.
Silly Bride is right - how his family perceives you, especially during the wedding planning process, should be important to you. I don’t doubt that you’ve attempted to be accomodating, though I certainly hope you would refrain from telling them that their treasured foods make you vomit. I’m not your physician, but I honestly don’t think that your palate is so sensitive as to warrant “puking.” If that is the case, I know of many good doctors in your area. (To Jay: I have diabetics in my family and it’s troubling that you would compare such a crippling disease to one’s squeemish reaction to seafood). I hope to God that you used that term for a comical purpose.
Good luck with your planning and best wishes.
I’m also confused: why are you planning on “fake eating” if your FILs are ok with your admitted “quirk”? Most of these reader replies will have been wasted if in fact your FILs are accepting of your quirk….
Well they don’t serve legs, feet, blood, or tripe at Chinese banquets. I think you are pretty safe HOWEVER let me tell you this, you’re not going to have time to eat. I only had time to take a bite out of 2 courses and I had a 13 course banquet.
whats the point in apologizing when people dont mean it? i never understood that.
you can have your say…but at least have a touch of class when you do.
i understand that you are very passionate about your heritage, i get that. but at the same time, would you say that my friends and i arent chinese because we cant stomach the food as well?! we dislike them, and stay away from them, though we dont hold anything against others who do. we just chose not to eat them cause of our own experiences. yes they are delicacies, but i mean not everyone eats escargo either.
anyway conflict creates growth, and im sure that peoney has learned something from the insight…
but can we give her some slack please?
peony~ i know you wouldnt have thought of it like that…but using the word “puke” seemed a bit vulgur…i know there arent many ways to say it…but even i was put off by it~ so that might have been why others were prompted to speak out. (just trying to understand the other side as well~)
but peony, in the end…goodluck. i hope that despite all the things you are worrying about now (cause come on, all brides worry about the little things and the big things…) that in the end you will have a wonderful day, which commemorates your first day together as husband and wife~
Despite everyone’s varying opinions on this subject, I think it can be generally agreed that Miss Peony is being very accommodating towards her fiance and his family’s wishes. I think Miss Peony needs to be cut some slack because she clearly did not mean to offend anyone, as she stated so at the very beginning of her post. So, the attacks on the way she worded her post and the content in the post…as well as the irrelevant comment about the race of the Weddingbee bride, should stop.
Best of luck to you, Miss Peony. Good luck with the clothing changes, I’m sure it will all work out. Also, as Mrs. H said, you probably won’t have time to eat anyway!
I’m coming into this a bit late, but I just had a question. So I thought that the paebaek was a very important part of the Korean wedding ceremony just like the tea ceremony is very important to the Chinese ceremony. So why won’t your inlaws accept both? After all, you *are* Korean. But maybe it was the comment about the paebaek being more for the groom’s family - could you explain that for me? I am terribly ignorant about this and only saw a paebaek for the first time last year (where the groom was caucasian).
Hi Sara,
The paebaek is a ritual where the groom’s family formally accepts the bride. Although these days, either family can participate, it’s traditionally done only by the groom’s family. My parents thought about having just our family do it but they would need to fork over money (money is usually given to the bride and groom after the elder family member gives them their blessings) and in the end, they decided that they would rather forget about it rather than spend the extra money (and ask our relatives to do it too) or give us envelopes with little or no money.
I think Mr Peony’s parents would do it if we really wanted them to, but time constraint is another factor too. My parents are fine with us not having the paebaek, but Mr Peony’s parents really want us to have the Chinese tea ceremony so we decided to do just the tea ceremony.
A few more things to clarify…
I’m aware that some of the dishes I listed above like frog legs are typically not part of a Chinese banquet. I was just using them as some examples of the food I can’t eat. However, there are Chinese dishes I find delicious, and I look forward to eating them. Like I wrote above, this is not an attack on Chinese cuisine, because there are even Korean (which I was raised on) dishes I refuse to touch.
IMO, please understand that I know my own body. I have vomited in the past after eating foods that I don’t agree with. I’m not sure if it’s a mental or physical block, but I just can’t do it. I don’t think it warrants a visit to the doctor.
I apologize to everyone who found my choice of words offensive, and I’ll try to keep this in mind when writing future posts.
In response to those who asked why I even need to wet my lips with the food I don’t want to eat…..at Mr Peony’s brother’s wedding earlier this year, people noticed that I wasn’t eating certain things and asked questions. So we decided that I should pretend to be eating just to avoid the questions. (All of Mr Peony’s family is aware of my food sensitivities, but we are having the Chinese banquet in Hong Kong, mostly with people I will be meeting for the first time.)
I find it a bit difficult to reconcile “Sometimes with these bridal sites, brides are so consumed with the big day that they start losing focus on what’s really important (i.e. the love you and Mr. have for each other)” with “how his family perceives you, especially during the wedding planning process, should be important to you” along with some of the other comments made here.
The way I see it, the fact that Miss Peony is jumping through this many hoops in the first place IS proof that she has not lost sight of what is really important to her, i.e.: her love for Mr. Peony. If it weren’t, would she have begun this discussion at all — not just here on this site, but more importantly, in her heart?
If “perception” is what mattered, then why is it a big deal that she will “wet her lips” with the food as a way to respect people she is meeting for the first time? After all, it seems like that will make everyone happy, especially since Mr. Peony’s family seem to be in on it!
I whole-heartedly agree with you, Miss Petunia!
Thank you so much for the explanation, Miss Peony! I guess I didn’t even realize that it was just the groom’s parents I saw throwing all those dates and such… I only remember laughing at how many the couple caught (symbolizing the number of children they were supposed to have?). You plan seems really good. Especially after considering the time issue. That is so neat that you get to go to Hong Kong to celebrate!
thanks for clarifying Miss Peony and sharing this great post. I understand your perspective and agree with Miss Petunia’s great points.
there are tons of nasty korean food i would never touch either. i can say that because i’m korean right? 
Well said Miss Petunia! I think someone else already said this but reading the comments on this post was like watching a fight between Elizabeth and Rosie on the View.
I’m very late to the game, but I can totally understand Miss Peony’s problem because Mr. Violet is very sensitive to food and most importantly Chinese food. I, on the other hand, am pretty open to any cuisine and even if it’s something I don’t think I’d like, I’d probably be able to at least try it. It has taken a lot of time and energy to get Mr. Violet to open up his palate and I am proud to say that it’s improved. I don’t force him to eat things he wouldn’t want to eat in front of family because he’s already overwhelmed by my chinese family where most of the elders don’t speak any English. I usually try to get him a dish or two of food that he’s willing to eat and my family has come to accept it. Fortunately we had an American wedding and food was not an issue. However if we had a Chinese banquet, Mr. Violet would probably have had a hard time just like Miss Peony so I can totally understand her point of view. Perhaps, saying puke was not the best word to use, but she literally meant it that way and I believe her because Mr. Violet is just the same. It can be physical or mental but either way it’s not something any bride would want to have to worry about on her wedding day, so I give Miss Peony great admiration for even trying so hard to please Mr. Peony’s family.
Mrs. Peony:
I encounter this issue quite a bit with my brides. I, actually am trying to balance my own “twinkie” nature (Filipino-Irish) and my fiance’s much stronger ties to his own culture (Chamorro-Filipino). Perhaps an event I did last year will help you a bit. This was a Vietnamese-Cambodian Wedding with a Chinese Dinner…. (and a western cerem
ony)….
(the links below are to Agnes Lopez’s blog- as she was the fabulous photographer on this wedding)… hope this helps!
Day ONE: TRADITIONAL CEREMONY…
http://www.agneslopez.com/blog/2007/01/06/wedding-maria-chan-day-1/
DAY TWO: WESTERN CEREMONY AND RECEPTION:
http://www.agneslopez.com/blog/2007/01/06/wedding-maria-chan-day-2/
BRIDAL SHOOT IN HER VERY WHITE DRESS:
http://www.agneslopez.com/blog/2006/11/26/bridal-shoot-maria-lam/
Miss Peony, I understand that it can be tricky to integrate two cultures in something as important and emotionally loaded as a wedding. I think you’re being very accommodating and graceful about it, but I do have one quibble about your post — your wording can be perceived as both insensitive and rude. The word “puke” has negative, rude, and immature connotations. Why not choose a word that is less loaded and more objective? If you truly are so sensitive to certain foods that upon eating them you will immediately throw up, why not make that disclaimer before you launch into your disgust at certain Chinese dishes (none of which would be served at a wedding banquet anyway, which should negate your fears about these dishes)?
Moreover, you start your post with the disclaimer that what follows may be offensive and controversial. If the issue is just a sensitive palate and a delicate stomach, where is the controversy and the offensiveness? There is nothing controversial or offensive about being a picky eater, but there can be something controversial about refusing to eat certain cultural foods just because you find it to be weird or disgusting (as implied by your post). If you’re worried about possibly offending readers, why not say from the outset that this is not restricted to only Chinese food, but also the Korean, Italian, French, etc. food that you cite in response to reader comments?
Either way, I appreciate that you’ve opened yourself up to the scrutiny of tons of readers and have willingly offered up your mistakes, suggestions, and stresses when it comes to wedding planning. I’m sure you’ll be a beautiful bride and your wedding will be unforgettable!
#4 - it may not be necessary to “wet your lips.” Just don’t eat it! At our chinese banquet, which my husband insisted on having, we had to go around and toast the tables so I didn’t end up eating much besides the appetizers, shrimp and soup (unfortunately!)
Miss Peony,
I am so glad you came out on a limb and posted your thoughts about your bicultural wedding and the clashes it brings forth. I am not engaged yet but besides that, I am in much the same situation that you are. My bf and I are both the oldest children in our families too and while we’re not engaged yet, we have been talking about getting married someday soon and one of the things that we keep stumbling over in our conversations is how we could respectfully bring both of our Korean and Chinese traditions into the wedding ceremony AND bring in our Christian backgrounds that are so important to my family as well.
I can level with you on the food issue as well; I think it’s safe to surmise that we will be having a Chinese banquet too, which pains me just a little because I know that my elders and grandparents who are in attendance might feel left out at having none of the Korean food that they recognize. I wonder if we couldn’t somehow cater some small Korean janchae items as appetizers before the Chinese dishes came out?
As far as the traditional gowns and ceremonies go, I think we’ve been discussing the possibility of having both the paebaek and tea ceremony on the morning of. We’d have the tea ceremony at his house (or one of his relatives’) and the paebaek ceremony at mine. Traditional costumes would be worn at each so we would both get to share in each other’s cultures and it’d almost be like getting married to each other three times (or at least, that’s how I see it)
Miss Peony - I totally sympathize! As a vegetarian bride at our Chinese banquet, I was in a similar position except I couldn’t even PRETEND to eat anything. Luckily Mr. Bluebell’s family is extremely accepting of my vegetarianism (although they definitely are a bit confused by why anyone would want to do it) and just requested extra vegetarian dishes be brought out for me and my various vegetarian friends and family members. There wasn’t any sort of issue at all, since I was still happily eating traditional Chinese dishes (just different ones from everyone else) so perhaps you could request a few Miss-Peony-Friendly dishes be brought to your table only? Regardless, you seem to be extremely accommodating in your handling of all the various cultural requests from both of your families, so best of luck and I hope it all works out!!!
Miss Peony, I admire your patient and ability to compromise. We had a bi-cultural wedding, western and Korean. His Italian family didn’t request anything for their culture, and was very excited to partake in the paebak. In addition, we wrote the programs in Korean as well. I hope your families respect each other’s traditions. You’re going through so much trouble to make everyone happy and I hope they appreciate your flexibility.
When my cousin got married, instead of changing her dress, she had a couple of sashes made out of traditional Chinese fabrics and used those instead. It made it much easier then changing a lot. Maybe you could change a sash and some jewelry? Or have a hairstyle you can take down?
hi there, i felt compelled to reply to your post since my husband and i went through a lot of the same things. he’s korean and i’m chinese/vietnamese and we are both very westernized. so we really felt that we had to fit in all 4 cultures and not just 1 or 2.
the day before the wedding reception, amongst close friends and family we had our tea/paebek ceremony. i had my bridesmaids wear traditional vietnamese dresses and i wore a hanbok. thus, my girls were representing my past while i wore something that represented my future. the tea and paebek ceremony are similar enough that they could be combined.
for the wedding day, we had our ceremony and reception in a westernized venue the way we wanted since we were footing the bill. we had given our parents the option of having a separate chinese/korean reception that they could host on another day. on that day to my mom’s great insistence that i change into another dress, i did so. however, the dress that i chose was more out of convenience than to show status. my wedding dress is very ornate and hard to move in so my second dress was not a qipao or anything like that but another white dress (because how many times can you wear all white in your lifetime!) that was much simpler and easy to dance in.
in the end, all parties involved were quite happy at all of the concessions and compromises made.
our wedding photos were beautiful because were were able to do everything that way that we wanted while still representing our cultures.
Miss Peony, I’m sorry that you were hurt by insensitive commenters. Your honesty should have been praised… but I guess that’s just a part of being a blogger. Everyone has prejudices. (Even the people who point fingers at prejudices are in fact being unaccepting of others in the exact same kind of way. It’s hypocritical.)
I also agree with rasb that apologizing without meaning it is worthless. I hate it when people say, “I’m sorry IF you were offended…”. That puts the fault on the person who was offended, not on the offender. It’s actually not an apology at all.
I would also like to say that I dislike the way IMO refers to the bloggers without the Miss. And the way she suggested Miss Peony to go to a doctor. That was absolutely the most snobbish and disrespectful comment in this whole debate.
Miss Peony, I am sure your thoughtful compromises will be more than enough to keep the important people happy. The others who rejoice in pointing fingers…. don’t bother to try and please them. In the end, it’s about your marriage and happiness…. and the guests are just lucky enough to be there and witness it. Love is rare in this world, and people will be happy just to be able to see it in you two on your wedding day. Or at least that’s what they should be thinking about….
On a side note, I wore my hanbok at my rehearsal dinner so I could get the most wear out of my pretty white dress on the day of. Since you are already going over to Hong Kong for a Chinese banquet…. maybe you can wear your hanbok for the rehearsal, your dress on the day of, and the qipao at the Chinese banquet?
wow ms. peony! thats a tough situation.
i feel that your fiance outta step up for you and explain to his parents that there are some foods that your stomache just can’t take. it’s not at all that you don’t respect what they stand for or what it means for them but it wouldn’t be any fun for anyone if you had to run to the bathroom during your own wedding!
pleasing parents is tough but sometimes i feel like parents forget that while the wedding is for them as well, isn’t it all really about celebrating the union of two people and their families?
reminds me though of something my mom said, “you marry a chinese man, you marry his entire family.” (though im sure this can be said for ANYONE ^_^)
I just read this post so I don’t know if anyone else already commented on this. I’m thoroughly offended by what you’re saying. Please be more considerate of others if you’re not doing this on purpose but it seems to me that you are doing this on purpose. Even from other posts, I can see you can be somewhat immature about things, but this is too much!!
Please read through all the comments on this post, since there was quite some debate going back and forth about this topic, and I (and others) tried my best to address the concerns.
I did not intend to insult or offend anyone at all - why would I be marrying a Chinese man if I were doing so? I made it clear at the beginning of this post that it is not my intention to offend anyone.
I’m hurt that you think I’m doing this on purpose, because I’m really not. I have a very very sensitive palate and there are even Korean food (which I was raised on) that I won’t touch. There are some types of meat that I just cannot eat, regardless of its cultural origin. And in the past there have been instances where I tried to eat some things and I have thrown up. That being said, there are some Chinese dishes I find delicious and I have no trouble eating it…..I crave it and demand it!
In addition, I would love to know which entries made you think I’m immature. Because I admit it - reading your entire comment stung a lot, and while I have received many comments about my posts on Weddingbee, no one has ever told me this before.
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Mrs. Peony, New York
Age and Occupation: 27, Marketing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, QA Engineer
Engagement Date: June 28, 2007
Wedding Date: April 18, 2008
Venue: The Fountainhead
Blogging Since: August 7, 2007
About Me: Both Mr. Peony and I are huge computer nerds, and our conversations usually consist of the latest gadgets, programming languages, and video games. At the same time, I can also be very girly with an obsession with handbags, makeup, and high heels. And art! I've studied studio art extensively, almost majored in art history, and freelance as a web and graphics designer. Mr. Peony and I are having a ball of a time planning a wedding for 250(!) guests, doing our best to infuse our personalities (geeky chic) with the wishes of our very traditional Asian parents.
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