Mrs. Jasmine, Chicago/LA
Age and Occupation: 25, Attorney
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Attorney
Engagement Date: March 24, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 20, 2007
Venue: Hotel on the westside of Los Angeles
About Me: I'm a happy-go-lucky, imaginative spirit trapped in the body of a lawyer. I love reading, shopping, dining out, and exploring my beloved adopted city of Chicago with my fiance. We're planning the wedding of our dreams in my hometown of Los Angeles and we're excited to incorporate our cherished Indian/Pakistani customs and traditions.
Being A Mother, Being A Wife
October 29th, 2007 @ 1:01 pm by Mrs. Jasmine
image courtesy of amazon.com
In a revealing Salon.com interview, Deborah Merrill, author of the book “Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law: Understanding the Relationship and What Makes Them Friends or Foe”, acknowledges that mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships can occasionally be fraught with tension and conflict because “while the daughter-in-law is trying to create her own family, her mother-in-law is trying to maintain relationships in her family as they have always been.”
Merrill offers some great advice on maintaining a solid relationship:
“The mothers-in-law’s main complaint about their daughters-in-law was that they often felt like they were on the outside of their son’s life looking in. Mothers-in-law want to be included, and the daughter-in-law needs to bridge the gap and make her feel welcome.
Daughters-in-law were much more likely to have good relationships with their mothers-in-law later on if they felt welcomed into the family from the beginning. Acknowledge your son and daughter-in-law’s marriage by including her in your relationship with your son whenever you can. These two things will go far to improving a relationship.”
How is your relationship with your mother-in-law? How has your fiance contributed to that relationship?
24 Responses to “Being A Mother, Being A Wife”
My FMIL and I are penpals! My first “thank you note” to FIL’s, from our first meeting & dinner, turned into a little note back from FMIL and then I wrote again, and so on . . . and before I knew it we were writing monthly letters and it’s been over 2 years. I feel very fortunate to have a such a welcome into their family and great relationship with my FI mom (and his dad too).
Haha… the cover of the book gave me a chuckle. 
My FMIL is great. We email occasionally, but she’s very easy to chat with in person and has been very laid back so far through the planning process.
So far so good. I think fiance contributes by acknowledging that his mom is human…that she isn’t a saint and doesn’t walk on water (some guys worship their moms) so he’s able to see when she’s being crazy about something (or when I’m being crazy).
My FMIL is wonderful. She lives here in town and my FI is far away, so she and I get together quite a bit without him. We’ll usually include FI’s brother’s wife as well and just have a “girls night out.” I guess the dynamic might change once we have kids and things like religious differences become more salient, but I’ve known her for 3 years now and feel very lucky to have such a caring, funny person as part of my new family.
Ooh, interesting. I’ll be the first to say that mine is good in many ways and she is a caring, wonderful woman, but there are some instances where I feel mildly suffocated by the in-laws. She wants so badly to be involved in every detail of our lives, and sometimes it’s overwhelming. I’m trying to establish that while they are definitely an important part of our family, we also started our own on the day we got married, and we need some space. We’re getting there, though.
I feel the exact same way, Erica!
i really haven’t had a chance to really get to know my in-laws as they live abroad. i would love for them to move closer to us. it’s just me, mr. bee and bil bee here in ny. my family would never move here, so it’d be nice to have mr. bee’s parents nearby.
I love my FMIL! But I knew her before I knew FI. =) FI is my best friend’s brother, so I knew and loved his parents a couple of years before he & I ever met.
My in-laws are great and my FMIL is the mother nothing like my mom. Not in a bad way, but my mom is fashionable, trendy and a fabulous shopping buddy and we can gossip for hours. FMIL is a quilter and bakes homemade cookies and cakes (my mom never has and never will bake) and fabulous dinners whenever we come to visit. I love that they are exact opposites! I have always had a great relationship with my FMIL, but I think it’s just because she’s so easy to get along with.
My mother-in-law has become one of my best friends, and she has become very close to her other daughter-in-law too. We call and email each other on a regular basis and we see them about twice a week.
She is so thoughtful.. she always sends me cards and little gifts and she really cares about whats going on in our life and helping us get through whatever trials we face.
She also has a wonderful marriage to my father-in-law (27 years together next June) and they have been kind of a marriage role-model for us.
I hope that whenever I am a mother-in-law one day, I can have that kind of relationship with my kids and their spouses. I hope you don’t mind me bragging about her … she is great.
Thanks for the reminder. I have been meaning to send my FMIL an e-mail for a couple of days.
I, too, am pen pals with my MIL! I just sent her a letter less than 10 minutes ago (caught the post man, too)! She prefers letters to email and is a little shy from time to time and it has proven a good outlet and way to connect for both of us and about only us and our interests - not my husband/her son, not her husband, my FIL.
It’s a little complicated for us. FMIL and my mom could be sisters (as far as pesonality goes.) As such, some of my mom-and-me issues have creeped over into my relationship with FMIL. I love her, and at times want to wring her neck, just like my own mom. 
FMIL is nice and well-meaning but annoys the life out of me, and, more often than not, my fiance. Fortunately, she lives several hundred miles away. She also hasn’t been the least bit interested in the nitty gritty wedding details (so far) — which is just fine by me. She’s thrilled we’re getting married, mind you, she’s just not into the details. Much like her son
Blah- I wish I could share in these nice stories… but more often than not, my FMIL drives me nuts. She has good intentions, but is super controlling, dismissive and negative about my ideas, and DEFINITELY doesn’t respect me as a super important person in FI’s life. I’m really trying, but especially with the wedding, it has been HARD.
Wow, so many positive comments! My FMIL is okay, but FI worships her and her way of doing things is VERY different than mine. She’s also complaining that she “misses him” when he’s with me, and I have to gently remind him that the relationship is going to change even more when we’re married and starting our own life. I mean, it has to right???
I am extremely fortunate, my FMIL and I get along extremely well, she always tells me she loves me and because I don’t have my own mother around, it is very comforting to have her. She also has an extremely similar personality as my mother so our interactions are quite similar, much more pleasant of course, since I can yell at my own mom I think the trick is that she always made me feel welcome and part of the family and I really love that I will officially be a member of the family next year.
Oh everyones’ experiences sound so great. Mine is unfortunately not as wonderful.
My FMIL has some issue(s) with me that is/are not fully determined (my FI and I have been together for nearly 5 years) and occasionally will rear their ugly heads. There was a period of time where she was deliberately trying to “get my goat” over the silliest things and tried to push a wedge between my FI and me. Luckily he noticed and called her on it. Things are a bit better right now.
My FI and I still can’t figure out exactly what her deal is - or why she takes it out on me. I wish she & I could be closer and that things were better. I try to be gracious & understanding & forgiving, but it is hard to recover when someone tries specifically to hurt you. I’ve never dealt with anyone treating me the way she does.
We think the majority of the issue may stem from the fact that she & my FI’s father got divorced 20+ years ago. It caused a rip in their family structure and it seems no one’s relationship has been the same since. She and her ex-husband are both still working past retirement age and have never financially recovered from the divorce and their subsequent solo lives.
I was fortunate enough to grow up in a very loving & happy family. My parents are still happily married after 36 years. My mother is an elementary school teacher who was able to retired early and is lucky enough to have a good plan in place so that she and my father (who still works) can travel (some) and enjoy the comforts of life.
The best reason we can figure out is that my & my family’s presence cause her to feel some kind of shame or guilt about her own family/experience.
I wish I could make her feel better about it all. She doesn’t deserve to feel badly about the past.
Any advice?
What I find interesting is all mother-in-laws were brides with mother-in-laws themselves. It’s a weird cycle and makes me realize that I will too, someday be a mother-in-law. (okay, kind of scary)
When I get there I think I’ll adopt my mom’s philosophy…hey, you’re a couple now, a unit. We all come second after the two of you.
My MIL and I are also best friends. It’s really strange but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I go over to her house a couple of times a week after work and have coffee with her to “catch up”. I think that the book is right. I have felt like my MIL has loved me as a daughter since the moment I walked into her life, and I have tried to reciprocate all the kindness that she has shown to me.
HappiestOne: that sounds like such a tough situation– you definitely have my sympathies. It sounds like you’re on the right track though with keeping in mind where she comes from and what in her life may lead her to act the way she does. Remembering that she’d has a less than positive past may put some of the things she does in a clearer light. Maybe try buying the book or checking it out from the library– it may have some tips for daughters-in-law in situations like yours.
My MIL is very nice and welcomed me to the family right away. She’s young and doesn’t have any daughters so she treats me like one of her own.
Unfortunetly we don’t always see eye-to-eye on a number of topics. I’m not a confrontational person but she can be very opinionated and she likes to debate. Her opinions are, for the most part, very different than mine so I’ve learned to bite my tongue and casually change the conversation to safer topics. My FI does the same thing, I catch him rolling his eyes during our dinners over at his parents house
All in all, I can’t really complain about my MIL, but I’m definitely not as close to her as I am with my real mom.
When I saw this post it immediately sparked my interest. Because my FMIL will be looking like the one on the cover of this book. Shortly before the engagement, our relationship took a really wierd turn. She has gone out of her way to say rude and embarrassing things to and about me in front of friends and family and Of all people she became “friends” with the ex wife and started turning up her nose at me. I’ve even been told by other family members that It’s not me, it’s just how she is but that’s hard to just accept. So for all you girls out there who have wonderful FMIL’s enjoy it. We all don’t have it that good.
