Wedding Blog
Lately there’s been some talk about how to involve your parents in the wedding decision making. This is especially tricky with big decisions, like how many guests parents can invite to the wedding.
One rule I’ve seen mentioned a few times is the money rule. If you’re paying for most of your wedding, you get to make most of the decisions. If your parents are paying for most of it, they make most of the decisions.
All this talk has got me wondering: who is paying for your wedding - you and your FI, or your parents? And if your parents are contributing, are you finding that they’re making more decisions than if you paid for the wedding yourself?
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My parents are paying for the entire thing, but they are still really open to including me, Mr. Jasmine, and Mr. Jasmine’s family in the decision making process. If anything, they don’t want to be the ones making all the decisions. They’ve gone out of their way to make sure I’m happy with all the decisions being made and that Mr. Jasmine and his family feel included in the decisions being made. I feel very lucky!
My parents are paying for the entire thing and they’ve been AWESOME at letting us choose exactly what we want. They give some opinions here and there, but they really have left us to our own devices. I know that’s probably rare so I’m especially thankful for that.
My parents are paying for the wedding, but they haven’t been controlling with any decisions. FI and I have chosen every vendor, and worked out all the details and contracts. I always double check with them before booking anything, to make sure they think the price is reasonable, but for the most part they’ve been fine. I’m sure if I started going crazy with expensice stuff, they would step in, but I’ve been very careful to try and find the best deal possible every step of the way.
We’re paying for it ourselves, but because we both have super-conservative Asian parents who would disown us if we don’t listen to them 
, the parents are having a lot of say in the process. Right now it looks like we will be going a bit overbudget and my parents have graciously offered to make up for the difference.
Re: guestlists, I gave my parents 100 seats (including relatives) to invite whomever they want. Anyone over that number, they’re paying for themselves.
my parents are paying for the whole thing, and my mom is my wedding planner. i am making all of the decisions, and she is making it happen for me. i’m glad she is there to help me. its been a treat planning this wedding with her.
my parents and his parents split the reception catering and venue costs (40% of the whole wedding) - but everything else was us. They weren’t involved with planning at all, so I made all the decisions myself and just sent invites to a couple of their close friends.
I paid for the whole thing. We decided everything together. His parents’ gift was the rehearsal dinner.
My parents are paying for the entire thing with an open checkbook. My parents aren’t exactly telling me what to do, but I more so out of respect that they are paying for it make decisions based on their preferences. I don’t particularly like our centerpieces at all for example, but I feel it’s a small price to pay for all their generosity.
My parents are paying for a good chunk and his are paying for some stuff too- so hopefully we dont go over that budget! But for the decisions both parents said take this money and use it how you wish! We are having difficulties with the guest lists though 
We’re still early in the planning process so not much parental involvement yet. I’m very lucky because my parents always believed int he the Chinese way, which the groom’s side pays for it all. However, since FSIL married “american” way - that was not going to happen. My parents were kind enough to give me a budget and haven’t said much else. I am trying ahrd to stay on budget, and anything over, I FI has offered to pay. The future in laws (I am told) will pay for rehersal dinner, honeymoon, and a dinner (mostly their friends) when we get back from our DW.
We are paying for the majority of it. My mom offered to pay for all of the flowers, which is awesome. As of right now I don’t know if any of the other parents are planning on contributing. We set a budget within our means though, so we will be good if they don’t.
40% my maternal grandmother, 10% mom, 10% dad (they’re divorced), 20% me & FI, 20% + honeymoon FILs.
So I guess I could say, we’re all contributing 
So far, FI and I are making most of the decisions and everyone’s ok with that.
We’re paying for the whole thing and I really like that. I feel that I have control (I’ll readily admit to being a control freak!), plus I don’t feel like I’m at somone’s mercy or that I have to please anyone but us. Our mother’s have been so wonderful though. He’s mom is an interior decorator so she’s been wonderful and helping me tie some of my ideas together. And my mom has just been the best sounding board in the world. But she thinks every idea I have is wonderful, so sometimes that’s hard.
As for invite lists, both our moms knew that this would be an intimate ceromony so they only invited their close friends and familes. No problems there.
My mom paid for our entire wedding, with a small portion coming from hubby’s step-dad. She’s my best friend in the world and we’re practically identical twins - so she was definitely involved in most of the planning. There were a couple things she had strong opinions on (like the invitations being addressed formally and by hand, FI and I not seeing each other the morning off, etc) but for the most part she was behind whatever we wanted I really cherish our relationship and loved every second of planning our wedding with her!
The one issue we did have that was wedding/money related was how to word the invitations. Let’s see if I can lay the groundwork and explain this. My hubby is not close with his father at all, they were estranged for a bit. We see them about once a year and that’s mainly to see his half-siblings, all four of which are grade school aged. We did want to invite them to the wedding, but they were not invited to any of the other wedding festivities. (His sister didn’t even tell him she was getting married!)
Hubby’s mother passed away about 9 months before our wedding. His step-dad has been a huge influence on his life and shaping him into who he is today. He was his best man. He gave us money towards the wedding. etc etc.
In my opinion an invitation is written to include those that are hosting the party. So we were going to word it:
“Mrs (my mom) and Mr (his step-dad) invite you to share in the happiness as their families are united through the marriage of their children”
Different yes, but because of the family dynamics it just seemed right. Had his mom been alive she would have been included with his step-dad. I felt like our deceased parents were represented with their ‘better halves’, even if their names weren’t written.
Well with the high emotions of the wedding (ours seemed to be super emotional - it’s really hard to plan a wedding when two of the most important people in your life are in heaven) and his relationship with his dad, hubby kinda flipped out the week I was supposed to be approving them! He worried his father would be offended he wasn’t included on the invite etc. I explained my logic and reminded him his father never offered us any assistance for the wedding - and therefore wasn’t a host - and therefore wasn’t on the invitation. It’s a touchy subject and my eyes were definitely opened to a lot of emotions my husband likes to keep buried.
We considered creating a unique invite just for his dad, as he already had a unique ’schedule’. In the end we left the invites as is, and sent to everyone. What would you have done. Are you taking into account who’s paying when you word your invitations??
My parents are paying for pretty much the whole thing. While they aren’t expressly making the decisions, I’m making decisions that they’re happy with so it really isn’t that big of a deal. They get the lion’s share of the guest list, but that’s the only way that they’re asserting their privileges so far.
We are splitting the wedding budget into thirds. So far, this is working out really well! Everyone is getting input, which can be a little crazy, but on the other hand, everyone is being represented.
It’s also (obviouly) a huge help to us financially, as we’re relatively young and just starting out.
The whole shebang is going to be around $10K, so nobody has to go into debt for our special day. Starting life as Mr. & Mrs. with no looming wedding debt is as important to me as any other detail.
We’re paying for nearly the entire wedding and are deciding on things ourselves (except for guests of the parents and things like that.)
We’re paying for the majority with my parents chipping in when/if we need help, my FMIL offered to pay for our cake (or cupcakes in our case!) We’re working within a specified budget. We’re sharing all our plans with my parents so they feel comfortable helping out & they’ve been totally open to our ideas. Our guest lists includes input from both families.
My parents elected to pay for certain parts of the wedding (my dress & the drinks during the reception) and his offered a (large) chunk of money to help with costs. As we’d expected to pay for everything ourselves, these were nice surprises.
As for the invite list, my parents have been so against “interfering” I’ve had to beg them to give me a list of people they’d like there (on top of my relatives). His parents have quite a large list of friends (no relatives nearby) so the numbers will be fairly even. No issues so far and we’ve only cut the people we don’t know well (after discussing with the applicable set of parents).
We are paying for the wedding and our families haven’t had much input into the planning. We are doing a destination wedding and they weren’t thrilled about that at first. Who knows we may be having it near them if they were giving us money… but that is a situation me nor my fiance wanted to be put in.
My parents were kind enough to pay for the entire reception, rehearsal dinner and 1/2 our photographer bill. They also paid for the hotel stays of a number of our relatives and some of my childhood friends. This totaled to over 35 hotel nights that they paid for! The only thing they really wanted a say in was the venue, but we all wanted the same venue, so no issues there! Having good food was important, so my mom did come with us to the tasting and gave her input.
Mr. E and I paid for everything else: my dress, flowers, lighting/draping, DJ, videographer, linens, invitations, honeymoon and all the other little things that add up. Luckily, our guests were SO generous that we got back everything we put in (monetarily) and then some!
I’ve been on both sides of the grass on this topic. Originally, my father & step-mother were paying for the entire event. I felt I had to include them above the other parents more because they were paying. They did want me to make all decisions, but I felt that it was polite to get their opinion on things (which videographer, which band, etc.). Half way through the planning, after budget approvals and re-approvals, they suddently realized that they couldn’t pay for the wedding leaving FI and I with the bill for an already booked wedding! Now, FI and I are handling the bills and couldn’t be happier. I no longer feel it is necessary to include them on decisions that we are more than capable of making on our own. On things that I really do need advice on, all of our parents are asked and offer great help.
I must say that I am very thankful of my situation. My parents are paying for the wedding and only involving themselves in things that I ask their help in. Thus far they have been there when the tent vendors showed up for estimates and they have given me a list with their guests. They offer suggestions - but been demanding on any level. It is because of this that when they suggest something - I am more than eager to include their ideas as they are paying for everything.
we are paying for 100% of it, which is why we are living so poorly!
My mom is chipping in 35% (food and beverage, my dress), his parents 5% (rehersal dinner, OOT bags). We’re picking up the 60% remaining — which includes flowers, cake, honeymoon, photographer, DJ, vidographer, invitations, rings, etc. We feel SO POOR right now, but we get to decide pretty much everything. I wouldn’t have it any other way
We are paying for everything ourselves. Both sides of parents have offered to help in some way (bless their hearts), but we know they have other financial obligations that should take priority.
So far, FI and I have made all the decisions. My parents are 3000 miles away, but I like keeping them involved by asking for their opinions (venue location, dates, dresses, etc.). They’ve been pretty open to everything and even after offering their opinions, they end with “but it’s up to you” (though my mom’s only over-my-dead-body request was no Vegas…so there went that idea!). But I do sometimes wonder if they’d be more opinionated if they lived in the same city.
My parents are paying the most, with his parents paying for the rehersal dinner ( with a large wedding party, a large immediate family and this being held at a very nice restaurant in DC, this is not a little fee!) His parents are also giving my parents some money to help with the cost of caterers. We wanted to have a small intimate event ( as small as we can have with a large family) so excluding family FI and I gave our parents 30 people they could each invite to the wedding. The seemed to agree on this ( since both sets of parents are still married it only equals out to 60 people). So far things have been going great our parents Don’t live in DC ( mine are from NY his are from Ohio), they gave us a set budget and its up to FI and I to stick to it. It was a very fair budget though, so we feel lucky. They have made several trips here to see the reception sight and church, and I’m sure they will be making many more in the upcoming months, but so far its working out wonderful! It also helps that my mom and I are very close and I consult her almost daily on differnt choices I am making, so she feels more involved. I also send emails and talk on the phone to my FMIL to keep her in the loop!
My gracious and wonderful parents paid for my wedding (which was held this past weekend!), and yet I made 100% of the decisions (with my hubby’s help, of course).
My father is 67 years old and lives in California. (I’m in Kansas.) The man could give a flying fig about how a wedding is done/where it’s done/what is served, etc, etc, etc…
So we discussed the purchases before they were made, I gave him very good reasons for why I was choosing certain vendors and asked him to consider that when it came to his decision on spending so much on food or photos or what have you, and we moved forward accordingly.
I certainly wasn’t going to try to yank his chain…I kept receipts and made spreadsheets outlining all deposits and final payments for him and that seemed to work well for us. I didn’t ask him to reimburse me for things like my hotel stay over the weekend, or even for items like our toasting flutes or the cake cutting set, and stuff. But he paid for the location, the food and drinks, the photography, the transportation, the church, the invitations, the decor, and that sort of thing.
He’s a peach of a dad, though. I’m well aware of what a lucky girl I am!
Fi & I are working our A88’s off paying for the wedding. My parents are so sweet they paid for the rest of the reception because they saw how hard we are working for this.
we’re spitting it almost equally three ways. his parents had a set amount that they give to all their kids (with part of the money going toward the rehearsal dinner), while my parents are paying for the reception food and a few extra small fees and we’re paying for everything that’s left over (which just ended up being equal). but, we’re trying to do the whole thing for around 6k, so we’re keeping it pretty small and cheap. we’ve had a few minor snafus with both sets of parents, but mostly they’ve gone along with all of our decisions.
Our parents each gave us the same, very generous amount. So I would say each set of parents is paying about 1/4 of our total budget and then we are paying the other 1/2 ourselves.
Oh and I forgot the other part- our parents are letting us plan and do whatever we would like. Haven’t had any opinions. They have also been 100% hands off, meaning neither set of parents has anything to do with the planning. It’s been a good situation for my FI and I, but I couldn’t have done it without a planner.
Sorry, me again, I’m a big skimmer when I read, so I sometimes miss things…
Lastly, they aren’t inviting anyone since it’s a destination wedding. And neither set of parents really felt like they had to have anyone come besides our immediate families. That’s all. Sorry for the million posts.
my parents can’t afford to help (they are putting younger sibs thru college) therefore decided to be hands-off with planning. my FI’s parents generously gave us about a third of what it will all cost, & they are also paying for our honeymoon as a wedding gift. FI & i have been working & living together for a while so we are ok with paying the majority & making the decisions ourselves.
My parents are contributing 2/3 of the money (they wrote us a check and said “thats what youre getting”) so we are pitching in the last 1/3. They were so generous with giving me free reign with the cash gift, so I’m quite pleased with the situation! Neither of my parents have wanted or had any “control” over the details…they just want to have a good time. Its worked out wonderfully. My FI’s parents are contributing a set amount of money for the rehearsal dinner, and any amount leftover (theyre being very generous so there will be leftovers) will be put into our honeymoon. We are paying for our honeymoon ourselves, combined with the “extra” money left from the rehearsal dinner pot.
My parents set a budget and if we go over that, we pay for it. So far they’ve been very supportive of our decisions, but we’re still *very* early in the planning process. I guess we’ll see!
we’re paying for everything: we asked both sets of parents for names of people they would like us to invite, but the final decision is ours completely.
We are paying for the whole thing ourselves.We are adults with established careers and our own home. I would feel weird taking money from my parents at our age(Me just turned 30 today and FI 31).
We are paying for the whole thing ourselves too. I agree with Claire that being in my 30s changed the dynamics of everything…that and both of our parents are retired and we would never dream of asking them for money.
We love the idea of being able to do anything we want, that is, until FI’s mom handed us a list of 30 of her guests…WTH!!? Grrr. *continuing to send evil dagger stares at FI who has yet to say anything to her*
My parents are contributing a flat amount and they’ve been really great, encouraging us to do what we like. Their share will end up being about 75%, with FI & I handling the remaining 25% + honeymoon, and FILs doing the rehearsal dinner. I am including my mom by sending her tons of pics and websites, and she will be coming here to help me pick out a dress. The guest list was surprisingly easy, each set of parents sent a list and we selected people we feel close to, keeping in mind our under-100 target. I had to hassle my mom for names because she is too worried about asserting herself! She also insists that the invites include all parents names or none at all.
Amazingly, the whole thing has been simplified by distance. My family is in Ohio, his in Tenn, we live in Virginia and are planning a wedding in SC (where we met)! It sounds crazy but it works for us. I am the luckiest girl to have such great parents AND such a great FI AND FILs!
We are paying for everything. They have no say in who is being invited. I have just heard thought throught my sister that my mum has gone ahead and invited family and friends I’ve never met and don’t know, on a whim, and hasn’t had the guts to tell me yet.
When she does, I shall have to inform her that those people will have to be uninvited. And then all hell will break loose. I’m expeting that for X-mas :-)….
so as you can see, I’m gearing up for war here
My dad is paying for all of it. I feel really fortunate that he’s doing so. It does make the guest list a little hairy, because as he is host, I really want to respect that he can invite whomever he feels fit, but he seems to be really supportive of my and FI’s vision. The only real expectation in this is: “I trust you to be frugal.” That’s a hard one to chew - what does that mean?! But overall, I think he’ll let me do almost whatever. Certainly, out of respect, I’ll try to be as cost-conscious as I can. I anticipate that he’ll be fairly involved in the decision-making process regarding the food, drink, and maybe some ceremony stuff, but other than that, I feel free to make all other decisions.
we’re paying for everything ourselves but imo, this doesn’t mean the parents get no say in who they can invite. they have about 50 people coming and thats just my parents friends. FHs parents probably have about 20-30 friends as well.
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