Mrs. Lollipop, Pittsburgh
Age and Occupation: 26, Computational Linguist
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Project Manager
Engagement Date: August 2, 2006
Wedding Date: September 2, 2007
Blogging Since: July 17, 2007
Venue: The PPG Aquarium at the Pittsburgh Zoo
About Me: I'm a Pittsburgh transplant who grew up in the deep south. I have a weakness for exotic alphabets, DIY projects, mobster movies and international travel. My fiance and I are both non-native Japanese speakers and we have a bullfrog named Skinny.
What’s My Name?
November 5th, 2007 @ 11:32 am by Mrs. Lollipop
I didn’t change my name when I got married. I did this for a variety of reasons, the most important being that I didn’t want to. Mr. Lollipop left it up to me from the beginning, and even more so when he realized that my first name with his last name would rhyme just like ‘Julia Guglia’ from the Wedding Singer. My in-laws and my parents have been supportive of this decision as they have been of all of our other decisions. (They rock!) Finally, we have a baby naming plan that satisfies all concerned parties. Really, I had the least controversial name non-change, ever.
I prefer to be called Ms. MyLastname or Ms. MyLastname-HisLastname. Both work just fine for me. Collectively, we are the MyLastname-HisLastnames, and that was exactly how we were announced at the end of our ceremony. To further clarify matters, we added a note to our program indicating the non-name change and were announced under our own names at the reception.
Unfortunately, in the aftermath of our wedding it seems like only a few of our family members caught these name change clues. Our friends are young and savvy and only a few assumed that I kept my name, but we’ve been getting lots of checks, invitations, and letters to my non-existent married name, especially from my side of the family tree. Perhaps thank you cards and Christmas cards will be the best vehicle for a subtle reminder, with a polite phone call to some of the repeat offenders. It’s very tempting to add a little card with a graph explaining our whole naming system, but I’m afraid it might be seen as too blunt.
In most cases, I don’t see it as a big deal, but there are times where I am nervous about getting a big check addressed to a name that never existed. On the other had, I will admit to fantasizing about taking anything addressed to Mrs. HisFirstname Hislastname and returning it marked as addressee unknown.
For changers and non-changers alike, how did you let everyone know what you would be called after the wedding? What did you do with people who didn’t seem to get it?
33 Responses to “What’s My Name?”
I officially have his last name, but my last name as a second middle. For work purposes I’ve hyphenated the two names, so Dr. MyLast-HisLast, just because I wanted them both in there.
We told those close to us, but I just haven’t corrected anyone who hasn’t asked about it. I pretty much just answer to whatever. My mom has written me a couple of checks since the wedding and one had my maiden name, and another had a hyphenated name, so I’m pretty sure she’s totally confused. My ID has all four names, so the bank doesn’t have a problem with any way they want to write it.
i totally understand where you are coming from. i didnt change my last name because i just didnt want to - and although my husband is OK with that, his parents dont know. (dont ask - we cant tell them because it would “offend” them). so his parents like to write out “mrs. myfirst hislast” on the checks. i get so angry that i cant tell them that i NEVER plan on changing my name, but alas - this is something that i married into.
i say, go with the subtle way of signing your names properly - but dont go out of your way to make it clear to those repeat offenders. the older generation just doesnt get the no-name-change thing. let them think whatever they want, because at the end of the day, its not worth getting aggrevated over. u know?
I agree this is not something to get frustrated over. You’ve chosen to do something that is less-than-traditional. Just because *you’ve* decided to do something different doesn’t mean that everyone else is going to jump on the bandwagon.
I think everyone should think, “Is this the hill I want to die on?” Umm…I’ll say that making your point again and again and again that you haven’t taken his name is a silly hill to die on.
thanks for your post, we have 7 months to go and are playing the name game right now, too.
just curious (and just ignore me if i’m being too personal), what is your plan for naming the kids? that’s been our sticking point so far…i’d be curious about how other readers are handling that, too…
only been married a month. have not done anything about changing my name to his, although i def. plan on taking his name. as for work, i might just keep my maiden name as everyone knows me by that. i’m glad i have his name. but boy am i lazy!!! ha ha
I won’t be changing my name when I get married, and any future children will have my last name, not FI’s. We’re both comfortable with this (in fact, it was FI’s suggestion) for many reasons.
It still amazes me that people assume a woman will automatically change her name when she gets married. I’ve tried to nip this issue in the bud by telling everyone that I don’t plan to change my name.
Good luck!
Good post, Mrs. Lollipop. I’m not planning on changing my name, and those closest to us are aware of it, but I’m not sure that I would be as relaxed as you about those that are making mistakes.
I do think your ideas about Christmas cards and perhaps a phone call or two is right on. I’ll have to remember that a year from now 
I had thee same thing happen. Even had to get the bank to give me a “one time” pass to put the checks in the bank! I was shocked at how many younger people just assumed things, especially those I thought “knew me”…
Is this really an issue of feminism as much as it is tradition? People get so offended that the world assumes the woman is taking the man’s name, like it’s a sign of submissiveness or inequality. It’s your choice, yes, and I don’t begrudge you that choice, but if a certain way is traditional (in the sense that it’s the most common) then you have to expect balking that tradition is going to raise some eyebrows. All you can do is explain your choice and stand by it. But you being offended that they want you to change is no better than them being offended that you didn’t change. (Offended is the wrong word to use anyway.)
I am proud that I share a last name with my husband. I took on his name just as my mother took on my father’s name, just as her mother took on her father’s name. Does it make me less of a woman? Absolutely not. In fact, I feel more like a woman because I am a WIFE, and will one day be a MOTHER, and together we have started a FAMILY.
I think an insert explaining the name thing might be helpful, if you make it very light and humorous, not as though you are scolding people for not knowing better. People tend to stick by what they know, until they have a comfortable understanding of another way. Many of them probably just don’t understand your reasons, so it might help to spell it out for people. Beating around the bush and hinting isn’t enough for some people. Chances are they thought the DJ just made a mistake when announcing you…
I wouldn’t be too offended by it. Your family probably accidentally addressed your name with his last name because they were so caught up in making sure to make you a MRS!!!
trish, I don’t think Ms. Lollipop wants others to stop changing their names. It’s more an issue of them ignoring her expressed preference. How would you feel if people started calling you Tina?
FWIW, I changed to Myfirst Mylast Hislast, and it’s a pain in the butt. I had visions of all three being used all the time, and it hasn’t worked out for me. It’s harder to correct people when they are calling you your legal name, y’know?
I’m not planning on changing my last name either. Although lately, I’ve been thinking more about it just so people stop assuming I don’t speak English when they see my last name for the first (or umpteenth) time.
I’m so glad you asked this question! Kandaceandjason has an interesting point… although I’m still not 100% sure about the way I feel about changing my last name.
I’m having the same issue with my name change. I’m not married yet, but a hyphenated name may be the way to go. If you get your name changed like that at the bank, they’ll most likely accept it without a problem.
(I worked at the bank for 10 years this month, and I know what they’re really touchy about)
I agree with kandaceandjason. I think she made the point better than I did.
Chrissie, I wasn’t meaning changing my first name. Obviously I would be irritated if someone messed up my first name. What I was trying to say is that when you do something “untraditional”, don’t expect everyone to “get it”. Like I said, is it really that big of a deal to be called by your husband’s name? Even if you didn’t legally change it? I mean, you did marry the guy after all…
Trish, I realize that you didn’t mean your first name, but I was just pointing out how irritating it would be to be called by the wrong name.
People don’t have to get/agree with it, but they should respect what you would like to be called.
Hmm…controversial
I would just like to clarify that I support anyone’s decision to change their name. A name is a really personal thing, and I think everyone has the right to be called whatever they want. Lots of women have excellent reasons for taking their husband’s name, and I don’t think of them any differently for doing so.
The reason I wrote this post was not to rehash whether or not women should change or keep their names. I wrote this post to discuss the best ways to tell family members about what you will be called after the wedding and tactful ways to remind those who forget.
It’s not as dramatic as picking a hill to die on; I’m not fighting anyone. I know that keeping ones name is not traditional, but none of the people closest to me have raised the slightest objection. I would just like some of my family members to remember that I kept the same one as before, and I think it’s not such a bad thing to ask people to use your actual name. No one has insisted otherwise, not even my 80 year old granny from the old country. I’m not offended by people who use the wrong last name for me; my naming system is complicated and out of the ordinary, so I can’t blame anyone for making a mistake.
Oh, about baby naming, the kiddies will take my last name as a middle name and his as a last name. We didn’t want to burden them with a long, hyphenated last name and I wanted them to have a piece of my family line without complicating genealogical records. Everybody wins.
Yeah, that’s obnoxious and it happens all the time. I would just keep using stationery, email, and signing letters with your correct name. Be consistent! If you start hyphenating with people, they will get even more confused! Just pick one name and stick with it. It’s not so unusual to keep your name.
if family members call you by the wrong last name it doesn’t really matter (unless they’re writing checks but that’ll probably stop soon after the wedding) unless it’s an issue of identity for you. i’m sure his and your family members don’t think of you as mrs. “his last name,” or ms. “your last name.” you’re just “your first name.”
how they address checks and envelopes is just irrelevant and i’m sure they don’t think much about it. if someone is sending you a card or a gift and has addressed it improperly, it’s probably best to just accept it graciously unless you think it wasn’t an honest mistake or want to make a statement about it.
even though i jokingly call myself brown2b, i am keeping my name because it’s my name and who i am, and my kids will have both of our names hyphenated because i don’t want their connection to my family to wiped away.
but who cares if family members make mistakes about it?!
i don’t have any problem with women taking men’s names today. i can see how it’s simpler. but you have to acknowledge it is a tradition based on patriarchy.
also, this:
“But you being offended that they want you to change is no better than them being offended that you didn’t change. (Offended is the wrong word to use anyway.)”
doesn’t make any sense to me.
in one case people are being offended by someone ELSE breaking with tradition in what THEY THEMSELVES want to be called. in the other, someone is irritated that people are meddling in their personal decision about what they want to be called.
Two things I have seen friends do:
1. Start using return address labels (or an embosser)
2. Put a note in your holiday cards, or send an e-mail. Just say, “Based on the variety of names we have seen addressed on our holiday cards/mail, we realize there is some confusion about our names. Since we didn’t make a formal announcement at our wedding, we just want everyone to know that are names are still AA and BB, same as before! Sorry if that wasn’t clear. Happy holidays.”
Good topic. I was surprised that others seemed shocked I didn’t switch my maiden name to my middle name when I married. I’m myfirstname (very special family name to me, I’m Alta #3) mymiddlename (what I go by) hislast name. To each his own
Along the lines of people getting your names right, no matter which name it is… My name is Jilian - just one L. That’s weird. I’ve only ever met one other. For the most part I don’t really care how people spell it, since I know it’s different - but it does makes me smile when people get it right - and let’s me know they care. To be honest - if I’m doing something quickly, sometimes I even put 2 L’s in it!
Since I understand first hand I try really hard to remember how other people spell their names. Allison vs Alison, Sara vs Sarah, Ann vs Anne, Katheryn vs Catherine, Ashley vs Ashleigh. Names are part of someone’s identity - it’s definitely something worth paying attention to!
That being said - when you’ve known someone for years as “Washington Bullets” it’s hard to make “Washington Wizards” roll off your tongue naturally. It takes me a good 3-6 months to rid my mind of someone’s maiden name - even when I ‘KNOW’ what it should be. I agree the note in the Christmas card is a great way to send a reminder and clear up and confusion!
I took his lname legally, but use my own professionally. There’s been some confusion (people @ work calling me by my married name ’cause they know it’s my “real” name, etc. I confuse myself at places like the drycleaner’s or doctor’s ’cause I’m still not done w/ the whole change process, so half my stuff — like credit cards — have the old name, and half the new), but I just roll with it. For years I’ve been called his name — mispronounced, by the way — at the grocery store since he has the discount club card under his name. So I’m used to it.
I’m with those who say just gently remind people by signing/printing your “correct” name. I will, however, say that it may no do any good. Hubs has one of those names that can be spelled about 4 different ways, and my friends and relatives for some reason have NEVER gotten it right. I keep writing it correctly in emails and it’s on all our return address/stationary stuff, but some of them insist on using the wrong spelling. Oh well. At this point we decided it’s best to let it go and not point it out.
c-girl, you are right about being consistent. I kept my name legally, but if I have to be called Mrs. anything. I’d prefer Mrs. MyLast-HisLast. Mrs. MyLast is my mom and Mrs. HisLast is his mom.
I guess I’m going a less usual route, because we’ve decided that he’ll continue to be HisFirst HisMiddle HisLast, same as always, and I’ll be MyFirst MyMiddle HisLast-MyLast. The reason for this is I’m happy to take his last name, and want to keep my own, but in the “normal” order, it sounds like I’m sneezing or something. This way flows much better, and I love the way my signature will look.
I know it’s going to require explaining, though.
It’s been 2 months and I’ve been working on both thank you cards and Christmas cards. On the return address of those seems to be the best vehicle in letting people know the non-name change. I really don’t mind being called Mrs. HisLast although yeah, that sounds like his mom, but I know I kept my name the same so I don’t care what others think. I don’t see the need for explaining. We haven’t had any problems with checks because as long as we have a joint account, the bank says its’ ok.
I’m personally not changing my last name out of the gate. Mostly because:
1. I want to keep an independent identity, which fits with the tone of our relationship.
2. Professional reasons.
3. (To a much lesser degree) My first name + his last name sounds like a disease.
As for children, the hyphenation problem is one I have thought quite a bit about. I don’t want my kids to have a hyphenated name, fall in love with another hyphenater, and then be tempted to supply their children with a four-name-hyphenation (etc.) Therefore, I am absolutely fine with them taking his last name, at which point I will re-assess the need to hyphenate my own (as to have some name association with my kids).
I really think it’s a personal choice, and there is absolutely nothing wrong in keeping with tradition.
And yes, as kandaceandjason said, I agree that people make the assumption based on tradition rather than sexism. But you should keep in mind that traditions do exist that are based in sexism.. and to feel put off because someone would assume you’ve taken your husband’s last name is an emotion that may be rooted in that fact.
Phew, heavy, sorry!
I will be changing my name, but I know how much confusion friends and family feel on either side of the issue. Most of my friends have kept their names, and I never know what to do when I send a gift after a missed wedding! (Using the maiden name seems safest somehow, but if she’s changed it, I don’t want to deny her new status….)
As for how we’ll deal with it, I read something in an invitation guide that said couples used to send little “At Home” cards with their invites that informed people of their new address as a couple. I’ll be moving in with Mr. T after the wedding, and figure this is a perfect place to mention the name change as well. So, our card will say something like: “The new Mr. and Mrs. Tulip will reside at [address] after the wedding.”
Sorry to break it to you, but 8 years later some of those same relatives are still addressing me by Brian’s name on cards.
Honestly, I don’t make a big deal out of it. I do make sure that my correct name is on the return address for Christmas cards and I periodically tease Christine (’cause she’s consistently the worst) but they aren’t going to change. Heck, my mom’s hyphenated and she got an angry call from one of Grandpap’s siblings once. (They accused her of imitating Hillary.)
Good luck! Fight the good fight!
Ha! Our family is hopeless!
Also, thanks for forging the path for our generation. No one has made any disparaging remarks about me keeping my name and I think most of the credit goes to you.
I didn’t change my name because, having seen newlyweds at work spending months trying to change their names (and a divorcee trying to change hers back), we just decided it was more trouble than it’s worth. His parents seem to have decided that “not changing my name” means that instead of “Dr. and Mrs. Hislast” we’re “Dr. and Ms. Hislast.”
Eh, whatever. I’m me, and that’s that.
[…] few days ago, Mrs. Lollipop posted about a similar dilemma from the bride’s side: How does a bride let everyone know that she plans […]
I have a hyphenated last name, and I’m not married. Even when I am married, I will have a hyphenated last name and it will be the one I was born into. You think its annoying being in your twenties or thirties and having to explain the hypen to people? Imagine being eight and telling people.
If your combined names are less than 15 characters, go ahead and burden your kids. It’s NOT THAT BAD. It’s a little annoying, but it gave me a really good sense of pride in who I am. When I leave school, professionally, I will pick one name and go by that. When I have children, they will also have a hyphenated name and it will be whatever I pick to go by professionally and their father’s last name.
Nobody ever would actually marry another hyphenate and create a four hyphenate name. (Or at least no reasonable person.) That is a stupid fear. People are not that dumb. I hate it when people give that reason for not hyphenating their kids names. (And trust me, I hear it alot. Along with what I consider the increasingly stupid question of, “are you going to add his name to your name and have three last names?” No because I’m not a moron.)
