“So How’s The Wedding Planning?”
November 6th, 2007 @ 1:44 pm by Ms. Dahlia
One of the things that I like least about wedding planning is when people ask me, “How’s the wedding planning going?” I know that people mean well, but there are a couple of things about it that makes me uncomfortable.
First, the question is almost exclusively aimed at me, although Mr. Dahlia is playing an equal role in the process. That bothers me.
The second is that I’m just not that comfortable with talking about weddings with people in real life. My typical response is to shrug my shoulders and say something like, “It’s going… I think.” Maybe I feel that people are just trying to be polite and I don’t want to talk their ears off about, oh, whether my dress should be ivory or diamond white? As much as I can get into the details of wedding planning, since I’m an organizer by nature, some of the stuff I really don’t care about, and it is hard for me to believe that friends and family who are not intimately involved in the wedding process actually care about these things.
I’m so concerned about not being (or at least appearing) as a crazy obsessed bride that I don’t have any idea how to actually talk about wedding planning. I’m the first of any of my close friends to get married, and I’m just not sure how to handle the social interactions part. Blogging and participating in online communities is my primary outlet for wedding things- so when with my friends, I would much rather talk about my research or a new movie than about the color of tablecloths.
Does anyone else feel this way? And does anyone have any suggestions about a better response to “So, how’s the wedding planning?”
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35 Responses to ““So How’s The Wedding Planning?””
My typical response is “we’re XXX months out so theres not much to do but sit and wait for the big day!”
which, of course is so not true, I seem to be crafting my ass off/researching projects/ pretty often.
So…I pretty much just lie, say its going fine, not much to do, and change the subject. I’m afraid if I elaborate beyond that then the discussion will turn into entirely TMI, and I ALWAYS remind myself “no one cares about your wedding but you.”
The question definitely doesnt make me uncomfortable though…I cant imagine people NOT asking me how the planning is going. Its like if you have a kid and people choose to not ask you how the baby is…or if you recently got a new job and someone avoided asking you about it, even though its an obvious new change in your life…
I thought I was the only one who didn’t know how to answer this question! My finance deflects all of the questions to me, which kind of annoys me because it doesn’t seem like he’s really interested, but that’s an entirely different story. I just normally say “good, we have a site and we’re just looking into other things,” and then change the subject.
I feel the same way— I never know what to say to this question! I completely understand why people ask– I think it’s sweet that they care enough to ask and know that it’s an important time for us. But we have so much time until our wedding, that I’m not really doing anything right now. So I usually just say, “It’s coming along….” I look forward to next year when I’ll be doing more and have more to say.
For those who I thought were actually curious (as opposed to those who were asking out of conversation, like asking someone how they are without breaking stride in the hallway) I kept to the big picture. For example, “great - I just booked the band and am working on the cake” or closer to, “I’ve got all my vendors booked and am down to the details”. Generally that gave askers an answer that was honest but simple.
If they didn’t want to know, they wouldn’t ask!
I think it’s kind of rude to blow them off every time too… I always smile and say, “well, this week I booked my _______ and things are going really well!”
People are so offended by everything nowadays. True, some questions are nosy (how much was the rock?!!) but most are sincere excitement and the want of your close family and friends to feel included in this rite of passage.
That’s nothing, wait till you are married and they ask when you are having a kid. as though of course that is the next step. and as though it is any of their business!!!
I was gonna write a post about this question too! I feel that this question is akin to “How’s married life?” after you get married.
I am totally with you. This is an awkward question and while I realize they are just being nice its a hard one for me to answer. Of course its always asked to me and not my significant other. And when he is asked he usually responds by telling them that I am handling most of it. There are so many things going on in our lives right now that the wedding is just one of many. I am also in research and my husband-to-be is finshing up medical school and applying for residencies. So while we are really excited to be married, the wedding has taken a back seat for the time being. Its hard for us to think about how to answer a wedding question with so much on our plate. I totally understand and think its totally understandable to feel this way.
I feel EXACTLY the same way Miss Dahlia. I think that’s why I turned to blogging, actually. I wanted to talk about the wedding all the time, but didn’t want to drive everyone crazy, especially as most of our friends are guys. Luckily I have a great mom and wonderful FMIL who love talking about the wedding. But still, when someone I barely know asks how it’s going I feel a loss for words. The last thing I want to do is start an hour conversation about the wedding with someone who was just trying to make some polite chit chat!
Ditto with Miss Penguin
Completely agree. And what Miss Peony said is exactly right — I got married last month and thought I was finally free of “how’s the wedding planning going” (my usual response was “great!” and that was it)… only to have it be replaced by “how’s married life?”
What kind of response, exactly, are they looking for? “Pretty much exactly how it was before..?” Though, I’d much prefer that than what is sure to come soon.. “when are you having kids?” I was first officially asked that at my office shower, in front of all of my colleagues. Awesome!
I don’t like it because usually the people who ask aren’t going to be invited to the wedding. I’m afraid if I talk about details I’ll be accused of leading them on!
I usually say, “Fine, just found (my dress, the venue, a caterer). Glad to have that done.” Some people do want to know all the dirty details. Many of my coworkers are upset I don’t talk about my wedding all day.
If people ask a follow up quiestion to my response I’ll give them as much information as they want. If they say, oh good, glad to hear it, I move on. Some people really don’t care and that’s fine too.
My FSIL just had a baby so my FMIL and FFIL have been focused on that (its their first grandchild) to the point where they don’t seem to care about the wedding. Now don’t get me wrong, I love her and this is not her fault in anyway. However, I guess its part of why I feel weird about others asking b/c at this time even family doesn’t seem to care. Oh and I am sure it will only be a matter of time before we are harrassed about kids since my FSIL got pregnant within 4-5 months of being married.
I really don’t think this question is awkward at all. It’s not the same as asking when you’re planning to have kids - that’s asking about your reproductive plans and that’s personal, but wedding planning is like a work project. It’s like asking how that big account you snagged last month is going. Wedding planning is obviously something big going on on a bride or groom-to-be’s life, and asking them about it is a way of showing interest in their life. People are just trying to make conversation and I promise you they will not be offended if you answer the question that they asked, unless you answer with a half-hour monologue about the differences between letterpress, engraving, thermography and flatprinting only to follow it up with a detailed list of the pros and cons of using baby pink vs. blush pink for your colour scheme! That might be a bit excessive 
Answering the question with something short i.e. “Really well… I’ve booked most of my vendors now and am really looking forward to my cake tasting!” is polite. This gives them enough detail that they can be satisfied that they’ve discussed the wedding with you if they don’t care to discuss the details and they can change the subject, but also gives them a hook to ask a follow-up question if they are genuinely interested.
I recently witnessed my guy ask his younger cousin “so how’s school?”. I gave him a “did you really say that?” and laughed. He just did what we always couldn’t stand growing up…getting the question that every grown up asks because they can’t figure out what else to say. And I think that’s all it really is: just something to say when you can’t think of anything else. Kind of like the cordial “how are you?”. So to be better prepared for future not-knowing-what-to-really-say questions, I’ve come up with a quick list. I’ve also thrown in some pushy when-are-you-taking-the-next-step questions just to mix it up a bit.
1. How is school?
2. How’s your job?
3. Any girlfriends/boyfriends?
4. You excited about graduation?
5. So when are you going to get engaged/married?
6. So how’s the wedding planning?
7. How’s married life?
8. When are you going to start having kids?
9. When are you going to have another?
10. When are you putting them in school?
11. How’s school?
12. repeat 2-8 for grandparents
13. When you retiring?
14. What are you going to do when you retire
15. Let me tell you about my medical problems (the only non-question of the bunch)
16. So any grandkids yet?
17. How’s the funeral arrangement’s coming?
Feel free to add any!
I feel the same way. When I’m asked, I just say something like, “Pretty well. The wedding is coming up soon, and we have __, __, __ as major things left to do. Otherwise, it’s going smoothly.” Then I don’t say anything else, because the person seems satisfied by my semi-informational-not-overly-detailed-positive response.
BD - I wouldn’t worry about that honestly. You don’t have an obligation to invite someone to your wedding just because you had the decency to answer them when they asked a question about your wedding planning! If they’re going to get their panties in a bunch over that, they’re being way too sensitive.
Having said that - if you notice someone in particular who brings up wedding stuff all the time with you because you think they’re angling for an invitation (and they’re not on the guest list), then I would nip that in the bud and give them as little info as possible, or perhaps one piece to dissuade them i.e. “It’s going great. We’re having a really small guest list so there’s not much to worry about.” I would think they would get the hint if you say something like that.
Absolutely. Especially at work — I don’t want to be seen as “wedding crazed” or completely preoccupied (even if I am). I have already had some work passed from me with the reasoning “she’s getting married - she doesn’t have time for it”. Totally offensive. I wasn’t sure how to react.
Believe it or not, this was one of the deciding factors in whether or not we were going to elope, plan a suprise wedding, or deal with input from both of our crazy families and have all the traditional festivities. In the end, we opted for the surprise wedding, so no uncomfortable questions for us because no one is even aware that we are planning.
In your case, I do not envy you one bit. I’d just have to agree with the other girls…give up a little info., then quickly change the subjsect by asking a return question if you don’t feel like discussing it further.
I never minded that question at all, but then again, I loved wedding planning and I’m a wedding planner after all. Of course, I’m always asking that question too, but I am 100% genuine about my question and if they want to talk my ear off about their planning, I’m all for it.
As for all the other questions, I always ask my husband how is day at work was, or as my parents how their lives are, I ask my sister how school is, and I ask my coworker about her dog. It’s a conversation starter and I don’t think I’m being pushy because I know when someone feels uncomfortable. Now, if someone asked, “How’s your weightloss going, or are you making more money yet?” then yes, I would be very uncomfortable.
I hate this question because my fiancee and I have had a lot of trouble getting the ball rolling with our wedding due to numerous reasons. First it was supposed to be this October, then we were shooting for January, then May, now we’ve decided next October is best. Sometimes I feel so stupid, like we can’t get ourselves together and commit, there’s just been a lot going on in our lives. It’s been frustrating overall so when people ask, rather than whining about how difficult it’s been, I just want to say - don’t even bother asking. You don’t want to know
This is a normal question that people ask to show their concern. I also feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to seem like I’m obsessing about the details, when sometimes I am! Planning goes in waves for me — sometimes I care about if the color is celadon or celery, and other times I just want it done and over with. People ask it because they want to address the issue and they know that this is a significant day in someone’s life.
I just say its going, all done, just waiting now. which is true to an extent. all the little things are left…but do they really want to know all the plans? no way…the people who do are probably involved in the process. and it definitely gets annoying….like others said, all of us have a million things going on in our lives, why does everyone ask this question, and not something like how is school or work? but I guess before we were engaged, they asked “so when are you getting engaged?” Its a way to get a conversation going. and once you are married they ask, like Angel said, how’s married life? uummmm…..the same! and then when are you having kids? so whatever….smile and say everything is great!
I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one feeling the same way, and I really appreciate the suggestions. 
Anyone else?
My experience with this question varies. With my family and friends they are all genuinely interested and want to know the details especially my aunts (my Mom has 5 sisters). Actually it is really helpful because they offer great advice in regards to color scheme and decorating etc. It’s an entirely different story at work though. Rarely am I asked how the planning is going. I think it’s because my wedding is so far off. Another weird thing: another coworker (who is around the same age as me) got engaged about a month and half after me. I got the distinct impression that some coworkers tried to pit us against one another in regards to our nuptials. It was so bizarre. Anybody else ever dealt with that?
I always ask engaged people how the wedding planning is going. I’ve always really liked weddings and all the planning that goes into it, so I yes, I actually did care. I think it’s a really exciting time in a girl’s life, and usually brides were happy to talk about their wedding.
If someone asks me how every thing is going, I’ll usually tell them the last thing that we booked, or whatever we in the middle of. If I know them, and I know they care about the details, I might go into more description. I’m not going to start bringing up wedding stuff to every person I have a conversation with, but if someone asks, I assume they want to know, so I’m happy to tell them.
I am so with you Miss Dahlia! I do think that most people just see it as a conversation starter, but it’s really awkward for me because we have some family issues and we are trying to keep the wedding and planning as low key as possible. I haven’t even announced a wedding date, so I say something like “When we set a date,we’ll let you know”. That might sound rude, but I really don’t know how else to ward off this question, without going into personal details that I am not comfortable talking about.
I felt the same way. Just wait until you’re married and everyone asks, “So, how’s married life?”
Well, the big difference is that we’re having sex now. Would you like to hear about that, or were you hoping that I was going to tell you that I hate being married?
I think it’s a rather annoying question. I usually find that it’s asked by people who don’t know what else to say to me. I usually palm the question off saying “great. we have a lot accomplished, but there seems to be a lot of a little stuff left.” the answer satisfies peoples question and they don’t ask for further details.
Some actually care…but those people typically ask a more pointed question like “did you get ____ resolved?” or “what do you need me to do?”
I know what you mean. My typical response was “Oh, I’ll be glad when it’s over!” I’m sure to some people that made me sound like a ‘zilla. But since our wedding was pretty indie, I didn’t like giving out details to those acquaintances who asked - people would inevitably tell me how we were “doing it wrong”.
And the questions really don’t stop once you’re married.
I agree with Miss Penguin. From the other side’s perspective (I’m not engaged, but then again I don’t have close family/friends who are getting married so I don’t ask this question either), I think for the most part people don’t intend for the question to be anything other than making small talk and is not any different than asking how you are.
I do understand that if the question makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable (I hate being asked, “How’s work?” because I’m still trying to figure that out) and I may think otherwise when the time comes for me. I also like smartl’s suggestion. And perhaps if you end up going into too much detail, that may prevent people from asking the question in the future!
You can also reply with “I’m really excited and I want to keep the details a surprise, wouldn’t want to jinx myself ya know! (not in the sense of the actual marriage, but rather vendor issues)”
I feel that a general answer for a general question, and a more specific answer for a more specific question is appropriate.
For “how’s the wedding planning”, I just say, “it’s coming along”.
hmm, i personally don’t mind (but that’s b/c i’ve only been engaged for two weeks!). but i think it is definitely awkward when someone keeps asking a lot of questions about it and you know that you aren’t planning to invite that person…then i start giving the, “oh yeah…it’s going fine. anyway, how are you??”
Ms. Dahlia, Detroit/Cleveland
Age and Occupation: 24, PhD Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, IT System Administrator
Engagement Date: December 31, 2006
Wedding Date: May 2008
Blogging Since: September 19, 2007
Venue: United Methodist Cathedral & historic downtown hotel in Cleveland
About Me: I enjoy cooking, dancing and swimming. I am a geek and apply game theory to my everyday life. Winter is my favorite time of year, especially when spent curled up with good coffee and a book by Madeleine L'Engle.
ditto - i HATE this question.