Weddingbee

As crusades go, I admit it’s not “feeding the starving children of the world.” But here’s the deal:

Many of my friends have gotten married in recent years, and I often have a terrible time figuring out whether or not the bride has changed her name. In theory, at the wedding you’ll find out the couple’s official names when they’re first formally introduced. But what if you get caught up in the joy of the moment and forget to mentally file away that key bit of information? And if you miss the wedding, how do you know which name to use in sending a gift?

A few days ago, Mrs. Lollipop posted about a similar dilemma from the bride’s side: How does a bride let everyone know that she plans to keep her name?

My friends, the answer to these dilemmas is an “at home card.”

An “at home card” is simply a small card that informs people of your married name and any change to your address after the wedding. The modern at home card states any combination of the couple’s names and address, other contact information such as phone and email, and the date after which the couple will be “at home” (traditionally the date of returning from the honeymoon). At home cards can be sent either with the invitation or with a wedding announcement; while most descriptions suggest it’s more common to send them with an announcement, I would suggest that they’re more useful in the invitations.

What do they say? The traditional wording where a bride is keeping her name might be:

My MaidenName
Herr Tulip
after the fifth of July
1600 Pensylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 12345

Traditionally, no names are listed if a bride is not changing her name. I prefer the more modern trend of listing names either way, because it makes everything explicit. However, using “Mr. and Mrs.” is an etiquette no-no if the card is sent with the invitations because the married status is not yet official.

If you’re not worried about traditional wording, you can say pretty much anything you’d like! I plan to use at home cards to inform invitees of both my name change and the fact that I will be moving in with Mr. Tulip after the wedding. The wording probably will read something like this:

The future Mr. and Mrs. Tulip
will reside at Mr. Tulip’s home after the wedding
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 12345
Please keep in touch!

As useful as they are, I admit the whole system of at home cards is a bit strange. The modern version is a weird amalgam of sometimes-modernized wording with a social custom that dates back to at least Victorian times. Here’s a version of an at home card from 1922, as shown in Emily Post’s famous etiquette guide. (She found the cards particularly useful for informing contacts of an address change “in cities not covered by the Social Register.”):

Except for the modern addition of city name and zip code — and of course the bride’s first name! — this is basically the wording used today. Why this form and wording? It seems to have grown out of an extremely convoluted system within Polite Society of leaving calling cards with name and address when visiting. Around the time these calling cards were in vogue, ladies often held specific “at home” days when they held court at home and all visitors were welcome. (By 1922, Emily Post was lamenting that the “Old-Fashioned Day at Home” had fallen out of vogue in New York City.) The term “at home” was also used more broadly to mean accepting visitors — if the lady of the house was not accepting visitors (no matter what her actual location), the butler would greet callers with the news “not at home.” Hence, the cards use the term “at home” and give a date after which you can expect to find the couple receiving visitors.

Want to know more? You can read brief summaries of modern at home cards here and here. And the full text of Emily Post’s fascinating 1922 guidebook can be found here.

How will tell everyone your post-wedding name and address?

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