The Weight Of The World…
November 9th, 2007 @ 10:37 am by Mrs. Caterpillar
. . . is on your left ring finger.
Or at least that’s what it feels like sometimes. NYC can be a very competitive city, and it often seems like people have lost their minds when it comes to engagement rings. A friend of mine told me that her co-worker has taken out a personal loan to finance his fiancee’s ring because she wouldn’t take anything smaller than 2 carats. Someone else told me that she immediately and automatically scans the left ring finger of each woman she meets and compares her ring against theirs. And another woman told me that she’s totally ashamed of her ring because it’s a single carat, and everyone in the city seems to have a larger one.
And yet, it’s difficult not to get caught up in the madness. Even though a ring is clearly not a reflection of the relationship you have with your intended, outsiders use it as a proxy for all sorts of unrelated things. If you don’t have a diamond; if you don’t have a big diamond; if your diamond is too big; if your ring is from Harry Winston or the Diamond Hut, all of that is supposed to mean something. And it really . . . just doesn’t.
Maybe I’ll just wear a big sign on my forehead that says “Married” on it, and step outside of this entire thing.
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82 Responses to “The Weight Of The World…”
AH NYC! The funniest thing is all people here care about is how giant your rock is when in reality bigger is not necessarily better. A one carat ring can be more expensive than a flawed 2 carat. Taking out a personal loan seems insane. WE live in a society of consumption where people live way beyond there means, that eventually catches up with us. Look at the sub-prime crisis, that is a result of peope getting larger mortgages than they could carry so they can live in a bigger house that they can truly afford. We need to stop the insanity!!
Engagement rings can be a touchy issue. I’m scared if people compare mine to theirs. I’m even excited to even have a ring, but there are some people like one of my best friends who says she won’t have anything less that $7,000. I think the subject can hurt not only the women who wear the rings, but their partners who purchased them. My fiance gets really offended when I point out nice rings, because he feels he didn’t do well enough and that I don’t like what he gave me. He did an amazing job, though, and I feel horrible knowing that I was the one to hurt his feelings in that way!
That’s insane. Around here, 1 carat is really big.
I agree with sally: stop the insanity!
Wow…I had no idea. Anyone up for an e-ring rebellion?
Great post! Taking out a personal loan for an engagement ring is insanity– I would much rather my fiance buy me something he could afford (however small) than have him incur debt over it. It’s sad what a competitive, consumptive society we’ve become. And it’s a scary day when a 1 carat diamond ring is deemed “not big enough”!
good post! i told my honey that i wanted a band for my engagement ring, which will also double as my wedding ring. he did such a good job, i LOVE my ring.
don’t get me wrong, i love diamonds as much as the next girl! but for this particular piece of jewelry, which is so special and so symbolic, i wanted to buck the trend and do something that would have special meaning to *us.*
surprisingly, the harshest critics of our decision to go for a blingless ring were some of the women in his family, who felt that it sent the wrong message about my honey’s ability to “provide” for me. i wonder if anyone else out there had a similar experience?
I completely agree that the competition is out of control. It disgusts me when I hear women talking about the size of the diamond and how quickly they can upgrade to the rock they REALLY want. it just seems like the meaning behind the ring is a distant second to the status and $$$ value of the diamond. I decided not to play the game and chose a sapphire instead. Women ask me all the time why I have a sapphire, as if I’m out of my mind.
It’s totally true though! I think it is just New York, too… very strange. Well, when I lived in Seattle, I noticed a lot of girls who had engagement rings were often a lot younger (mostly in their early early 20s) and the rings were very modest yet beautiful. In New York, I have noticed the big rock competition. Everyone always squeals over a big ring! And Sally is right, a lot of the time a beautiful, radiant, one carat will outshine a big rock. Mr. C and I used to joke that I wanted something in between a booger and a doorknob. But to each her own, right?
I totally agree but I just want to add - it’s not always the women!! A lot of women I know (myself included) would have been perfectly happy with a smaller diamond (or no diamond), but there seems to be even MORE pressure on the man for making sure he “does it right.” A lot of men I know have admitted to this since it’s a direct indicator of their wealth and commitment (supposedly) and therefore reflects more on him than on the woman that wears it. All I have to say is…eh. 
Oh yes, NYC. This guy I know cashed out his 401k to buy his fiancee the 2.5+ carat ring she HAD to have. And within my social circle, a lot of engagements happen in the beginning of the year, right after the Wall Street bonuses are handed out. When Mr Peony was researching engagement rings, he was shocked to find that the majority of his friends spent over $20k.
I have what I think is a decent-sized engagement ring. However, I have gotten the occasional comments such as, “Oh….that’s….cute” or “Well, it’s not TOO small.”
I don’t have any stones on my engagement ring and people always look at me like “oh poor thing”. But I don’t feel bad. FI bought me what he could afford and what he bought me meant something to him. I always think that is more important to me.
I knew a girl that said she’d marry no man who gave her a ring with less than 3 carats. Her fam was in the jewelry business and she felt that they wouldn’t think he was worthy of her.
Jasmine - I totally agree with you. I don’t look down on people who have large e-rings….just as long as they’re able to afford it. I just don’t think you should take out loans or cash out your retirement fund to buy one.
Bluebell - I feel the same way. Sometimes it really does seem like the guys are the ones competing with each other to see who can buy the bigger, better quality rock for their fiancees. Just like how so many of them seem to be competing for who plans the most extravagant proposal. 
It becomes crazy, but I know that guys compete just as much as girls.
confession time — I have to admit that I love having a big ring. Mine is over 2 carats, but my Fiance did any amazing job and got wonderful specs for around $14k — worth over $20l for sure. The part I don’t get is getting a Tiffanys or another name brand ring. It’s not like anyone can tell, and they all come out of the same mines!
Gee, I wonder if the jewellry industry has anything to do with this. Who was it that said a ring should be three paychecks worth?
great post. i happen to have a very sizable diamond, but not because mr. onion took out a loan. my mother actually gave him her ring to give to me which has a lot of meaning. i will be thrilled to give it to our daughter (if we have two i have NO idea what we’ll do).
my mother made a great “deal” of sorts with him. she asked him to take whatever he was planning on spending on a ring for me and investing/saving it for our future together.
i also have VERY small hands — 2 3/4, so it looks even bigger than it is. i have to admit, i sometime feel a bit strange when people look at my hand — i wonder what they’re thinking. mrs. bee asked to see it at our get together and was shocked too! i should be proud but sometimes i think people judge us without having any idea of the history of the ring or where it came from.
SO — don’t always make an assumption about a ring just by it’s size/apparent price tag.
DeBeers! But I’m a total sucker for those commercials. I think I actually start to well up.
I definitely agree with Mrs Bluebell–I didn’t want a diamond at all but he wanted one so he didn’t look bad to his family. He actually ended up getting me one–and then took it back! He found a gorgeous sapphire instead that is totally me & I couldn’t be happier.
And speaking of the diamond industry–another fantastic marketing job they’ve done is the right hand ring. Apparently men weren’t buying enough diamonds so now we need to empower ourselves by buying a ring for our other hand!
My fiance bought my ring from a private jeweler. He has access to the best stones and metals and his wife wears a .7 carat stone. He says size has nothing to do with the quality. At some point it’s a safety issue too. Do you really want to draw that kind of attention to yourself on the streets?
I love my ring, and getting stopped by people who ask to look at it. However, I have no idea what size it is, and in fact, told my fiance I don’t want to know. In putting it on my insurance policy, I told him to fax the info to my agent, so I don’t see it.
Yes, I live in NYC, but I love that my ring is beautiful, and exactly what I was hoping for. I never cared about size.
The only thing that I dislike about big rocks is that they often look so awkward. With more than 1k, the setting has to be just right to make it look right on her hand (not to mention be functional). The huge prong setting reaching up to the sky with a 3k offering just looks like costume jewelry. Tacky.
I would have been fine with a plain band, but like some people were saying, my guy wanted to buy a nice ring. It’s his as much as it is mine, and I didn’t have too hard of a time compromising.
Mrs. Onion, I just love your story about your mom & Mr. Onion!! Thats just so wonderful… and I can’t even IMAGINE how tiny your fingers must be!! omg =)
if i was a man and my girlfriend told me she wouldn’t take anything smaller than a two-carat ring, i’d kick her ass to the curb. what kind of woman actually has the nerve to say things like that? so superficial.
Thank you!
Taking out a loan is insane!!! But sadly, not surprising for New York. Luckily I work for the city government, where my coworkers aren’t as fanatical about diamond size (a lot of my engaged coworkers didn’t even have erings). However, one of my friends outside of work told me that my diamond will “look like a speck” with my budget and that my fiance would have to spend at least $8000 on a ring for it to look good. My jaw dropped to the floor! Needless to say, we bought something exactly within our budget and people mention how big the diamond is!! And I don’t really talk to this “friend” anymore…
you’ve blogged the story of your ring mrs. onion so i did know it was your mom’s, but i didn’t know that your fingers were that tiny! wow i think that’s the smallest i’ve ever heard -you’re one dainty onion!
I have something about 1 carat, and I think it’s perfect. And I think I would have been just as happy with something smaller. In fact, I told him when we were shopping for rings that under NO circumstances was he to buy me a ring that cost two or three months’ salary, as I would be too scared to wear it. When I saw the prices on some of the rings, I blanched. He bought it without me present, and I think pp are right: he spent way more than I would have liked because he though the size of the ring reflected on him. But still not as much as several months’ salary! Who could wear such a ring on the subway??
As persepctive, after I got engaged, I went to Europe on business, and one of the customers I met with asked me if I was getting married. I asked how she had guessed, and she rolled her eyes and said, “An American with a BIG diamond? What else could it be?” In their eyes, my nice-sized diamond is HUGE.
I think it’s ridiculous. And annoying! I don’t even talk about the size of my ring with my closest of friends - I don’t understand why it matters, if he picks it out and loves it, and you do, too. A former friend of mine got engaged a couple of years ago and got (she had to of course tell us) a 2K ring. It looked like glass, but she was so proud it was 2K. Mine is definitely not 2K, but I would take it over that one in a heartbeat, based simply on sparkle!
I actually had somebody ask me how much FI spent on my ring. I was totally aghast. The rudeness!
I’ve never understood that emphasis on size. Heck, you can see commercials on TV for diamond discounters who sell 1-carat rocks for under $1000 and 2-carat for under $4000. Clearly, they’re not particularly good quality, but they’re big, right?
I think a beautiful, well-made ring will always look better than one that’s all about the bling and nothing else. After all, wouldn’t you rather have a modestly sized, excellent quality sapphire ring, than a big yellowish diamond with visible flaws in it?
DH and I picked out a stone under a carat, reasoning that the magic “1 carat” weight made the price skyrocket, for a visible difference of less than a millimeter in diameter. We just couldn’t justify the cost, and I love my ring exactly the way it is!
i think it’s really to each his own… i don’t think people should judge how other people spend their money. it’s irresponsible to take out a personal loan to buy a piece of jewelry, but is it ok to have credit card debt from years of eating out, clothing and accessory purchases, or bills? usually the personal loans have a lower interest rate than those credit cards.
personally, i love diamonds and have always wanted the lovely, traditional engagement ring i’d grown up knowing about. the wonderful man i married is a long-term student (think grad grad grad school) and comes from a family that’s not well off (think pastor of a small church). would i have married him without a diamond? yes. did we create a plan to be able to purchase the diamond then and slowly pay it off as our salaries grew? yes. are we happy with our decision? of course. one of the most important things we go through together as a married couple is making smart decisions about our credit history so that our future in homeowning is not put in jeopardy while we’re young and fairly stupid.
but… do my eyes bug out at the thought of a $20k personal loan for a diamond? …yes. i can’t even imagine getting approved for that amount of money!!
You know… I think now that the average age of newly wed couples is going up, people are tending to spend more money on rings.
The competition makes me sick, and anyone who actually TELLS their man “I won’t marry with a diamond less than X carats” should be called out for their superficiality.
It’s not just NYC though.. I live in Cali.. and it just so happens I have the SAME setting as my friend who just got married. (My fiancee had NO CLUE it was the same as hers) My stone happens to be bigger(although NOT a monster) and when people who know both of us notice we have the same ring… they always try and console me with “well, yours is bigger”
Honestly I know my fiance spent a long time choosing the ring I wear, and it’s beautiful.
He prolly could’ve spent more… but what’s the point.
I’d rather be looking at my tasteful bling from the comfort of my nice, spacious home than from a cramped town home or apartment because he still has a Jeweler bill the size of a car to pay off, just so some other people can be impressed.
I told Mr. Lemon that unlike most gals, I would have been really upset if he had gotten me a 1 carat ring… due to the artificial price inflation. I love my ring and the time he took to find my diamond… and I honestly can’t stomach the money spent on rings, including mine. Then again, I can’t deal with people I know who lease Land Rovers for $750/month for the status symbol… since LA’s status symbol is a car.
Let’s just say the ring I’ve seen get the most “oohs and ahs” from the general public is one that my friend bought on QVC for around $200. People adore it and stop to ask what her husband does…
Mrs Lemon…so very true! I went to LA this summer and camped out in line at CBS studios. Every car that passed by was more expensive than the one before it. I think I saw all of two junkers in a 21 hour period. And my guy, being the car nut he is, priced every single one of them. At some of those prices, I’d be afraid to drive it!
it’s not just nyc. its the same in orange county, old money greenwich, and all other places where theres a lot of wealth.
Great post, Mrs. C. This is something that bothers me greatly. When FI and I got engaged, we decided to pick out the ring together. I have VERY small, dainty hands (seriously, like an eight year old boy, lol), and I don’t like high settings or ostentatious stones ON ME. To each his own, right? Anyway, at every store we went into, when I asked to see smaller center stones than the ones I was being shown, the sales people gave me strange looks or commented that bigger ones were better and “most women” want a big stone. The ring I wound up with is 3/4 carats (1 ct total weight with the tiny side stones) and looks perfect on my small hand, but even that is bigger than I originally thought I’d get. When people (especially in the wealthy neighborhood where I work) see my ring, sometimes I can see their faces fall as if they’re expecting to see another giant iceberg of a diamond. The ironic thing is, FI really wanted us to get a ring at Tiffany (which I tried to talk him out of, but it meant a lot to him), so that’s where my “modest” beauty is from. It has always been funny to me that names like Tiffany and Harry Winston are imporant to women, because as we all know, no one can see the receipt or the ring box when they look at your finger. Knowing where we bought my ring doesn’t make me feel any more or less happy to wear it. I love my ring more than anything, and I think it’s really unfortunate that women put so much emphasis on how large the stone is and what store he bought it from when what matters is that you’re electing to spend the rest of your life with another person. I totally agree with Angel- the diamond industry has everyone going crazy!
I think it’s really disgusting that women, and men, compete over the size and value of their engagement rings. It completely devalues the emotional worth of the ring and the commitment that it symbolisies. And it really upsets me that nobody seems remotely concerned about the ethical issues with diamonds. I see people wearing diamonds and I want to ask “how many Africans suffered for your ring?” not how much did your fiancée spend on it.
My ring cost $50 and I love it. It’s an eternity band of beautifully sparkly white stones and I love what it symbolises, eternal love and our commitment to each other. It would make me sick to the stomach to see Mr C spending money that we can’t afford on a ring because he felt he had to and I can’t help but wonder what marriage means to women who tell their boyfriends that they won’t accept anything less than $$$
Mrs Onion - my friend’s ring size is smaller than yours….she’s a 2 1/2! She’s the same height as me (5′1″) but her hands and feet are TINY (I think she wears a size 4 1/2 for shoes). Her e-ring is half a carat and it looks HUGE on her tiny delicate hands.
sometimes, when i go out in public, especially in a situation where i know i’ll be “judged” i twist my ring inside so they can’t see the rock.
my rock is a beautiful 1.2 carat round cut in a tiffany setting (u know, the classic tiffany ring.
however, my ring is not from tiffanys.
my husband did his research on diamonds by visiting all the diamond/jewelery stores at the mall, tiffany’s, harry winston, zales, kay’s etc., and compared.
he decided what color cut class, etc. he wanted and the size.
he set his price, and called his family jeweler (mom’s jeweler)
and i have the most beautifully cut diamond ring. i didn’t know how expensive it was until 2 months later. but i know what i know, and that my ring is very sparkly, and pretty. andi like it.
i actually never told my husband i wanted X carats in X setting. and i love the ring.it feels a little big (1.2)
but what amtters the most is that my husband didn’t go bankrupt for it. he paid in cash/full and its lvoely. even the old biddy’s in our apt building comment on it all the time. (and nobody can please them)
girls that he goes to law school with almost always grab my hand to check it out (which is so rude and annoying) and they always say “good job” to my husband. i think that’s a little obnoxious.
when we spent our honeymoon in europe, i didn’t take my ring for fear of losing it or whatever, and it was great not to have to worry about it, as much as i adore it, i like my simple plain wedding band (yup i said no diamonds, just a plain old band) better sometimes.
My fiance’s a teacher and he insisted on buying me a ring, even though I’m not a ring person and I don’t really care about diamonds. We happened to find a lovely simple golden band with a small diamond (no idea how many carats) in an antique shop for somewhere in the $500 range. While this still seems like a lot of money to me, it was important for him to give me something that, relative to our incomes at least, is valuable and precious. I love it and wear it with pride.
I too find this very discouraging. My fiance and I are both professions with high salaries. I have seen this competition for bigger is better, “how much did he spend,” I decided no e-ring at all is what I wanted, because really we are equals and I don’t want people judging us by what type of ring I wear. I have picked a beautiful wedding ring that I will cherish forever. In the meantime I’m sure there has been gossip about where our money goes since I don’t have a ring. Most people say ohhhh he will get your one when he can afford it. Uhhhh he/we can afford it now, it’s just not necessary!!!
Like Mrs. Onion, I have an heirloom e-ring. It was my husband’s grandmother’s.
I have gotten so many comments like, “Wow, I wish I had a rock that big”, etc. My boss insinuated that I married into money. My mom even pointed out to my dad, “See, her FH didn’t get her a speck” (like hers).
It’s weird, really. It makes me a little uncomfortable. My tiny (size 4) fingers make the ring look bigger than it is, too.
When we went to pick out wedding bands, the jeweler kept arguing with me when I said I wanted to try the plain one.
I agree with the Right Hand Ring comment. I have ring from my grandma that I sometimes wear on that finger, and my aunt was like, oh, is that a right hand ring? Um, no, it is just a ring I have. I didn’t buy a special one to show that I’m an Independent Woman.
We moved to a small town after getting married… and I’ve totally fallen in love with the little ladies here who cherish their tiny modest rings. Their faithful 30+ year marriages shine more brightly than any ring can. Rings are supposed to be symbols of marriage. I think it’s sad that we live in a world of big beautiful over-the-top rings that a lot of times… represent horrible marriages that end up in divorce.
This is a great post, When FI and I were looking at rings, I was heart set on something from tiffanys and “at least one carat”, now looking back I wish that I had been more open about it. FI had been saving money, and he purchased me my “dream” ring, but now I realize I care more about the dream marriage and life together than the sparkly thing on my finger! The ring isin’t what matters its the commitment that we are making to each other. I do love my ring, but i agree, even here in D.C people have told me “oh I wouldnt “settle” for less than 2 carat”, it shocks me! I agree you shouldnt “settle” for a guy, but if you’ve found the right guy, I couldn’t imagine throwing him away or making him pay more money for something he couldnt afford! On another note, I just wanted to say how much I adore this website and all you bee’s and other readers that comment, you have so many helpful observations/ideas and it really helps to make me feel like a community, keep up the great work
if the size of an engagement ring diamond is supposed to be a sign of a man’s ability to provide for his intended, then what does it say about a man who has to take out a sizable loan to purchase one? very sketch.
i’m not so much interested in the giantantic stones because i like my pieces of jewelry to be simple and functional; i’ll be wearing the ring everyday and i’m clumsy so i don’t want a huge rock that i’d be scared of scratching. plus, sometimes they look gaudy to me and i’m not into that kind of apperance.
i’d much rather find an interesting setting with a smaller stone to complement that then just a plain band and an asteroid on my finger. i love little details like that.
Good post - my e-ring is also a family heirloom, so we really lucked out. ALthough to some people’s points it is a rather sizeable diamond, but also has a rather sizeable crack on the side, making it less valuable. So people definitely look at it and go “wow, that’s huge, how did you afford that”, and if I’m feeling nice I explain that it’s a family stone, and it actually has a crack in it so it’s not even super valuable (although I most mutter “that’s between me and my husband”). I work with a lot of 20-somethings who all seem to be engaged, and it makes me want to vomit when I hear “he did good, he did really good”, in a sugary sweet voice. Gag.
OK I’m feeling slow on this Friday afternoon (ok actually I’ve been slow about this one thing the entire time I’ve been addicted to this blog!) - someone please help me!!
FI = fiance
FH = future husband
DH = ??
PS - I agree - the whole e-ring thing is out of control! It’s nobody’s business the who, what, where, when about my ring. People’s reactions to size, carats, and money are very rude! I’m actually over the whole ‘keeping up with the joneses’ life. I am not in a competition. I don’t care how big your ring is, how much your wedding cost, how much your house cost, how many flat screen tv’s you own, or how soon you are going to have kids. I’m not in the competition!
My husband made a comment the night he proposed - as we were admiring the ring over and over again - that it was a little bigger then the one I’d tried on. Since he had to order it he went ahead with the bigger one so I would be able to happily show it off or something like that. I laughed and told him he was crazy, I didn’t care! I had been trying to convince him for months that he didn’t have to buy me a ring at all - I have a diamond ring of my mom’s that I would have loved to use as an engagement ring Or course he didn’t think the diamond was big enough on that one either.
I don’t think he’s caught up in the competition really - I just think he has this idea of what he’s supposed to do. He thinks he understands women, and realizes this is somewhat of an issue amongst them, and he really wanted me to feel confident in that competition I guess. Which is sweet. He is sooooo not into style, jewelry, shopping, or anything you would consider metrosexual - so I was just touched that he put so much thought into it - and wanted to do the best job he could
I also got the strange comments from jewelers while I was trying to find my band - and I wanted no bling! I had to order it since no one even carried what I wanted!
Of course we bought his ring from a street vendor in Costa Rica on our honeymoon - it was $6 American - I think
Ok, So spending more $$ is definatly not better…most of us seem to agree on that. I personally specifically told my FI that he could not get me a diamond. 1. I mot a big fan of diamonds, they don’t have enough character for me and 2. He double hockey sticks NO! to spending that kind of $$. why would I want him to spend that kind of $$ on ring when we can put it towards a house or the wedding and have more friends and family at our wedding.
For much less than what he would have paid for a nice 1carat diamond I have a 8+ carat Blue Topaz that is beautiful, stands out adn people oooh and aaah over all the time because the stone is big and vibrant! And on top of it all it suits our personalities a lot better.
He was totally confused as to why I wouldn’t want a diamond until we actually looked at them and compared them (looks not $$) to the colored stones that I liked. Now he is totally pleased and insist on showing my ring off to everyone we know that hasn’t seen it yet! Too the point where we will go someplace and he willl ask if I’ve shown so and so yet. He know’s he did great and is proud of it. Plus there is no guilt on either side about how the $$ was spent!
Great post, Mrs. Caterpillar! And I love all the things that people are saying in response to the post. It’s good to know that not everyone is a slave to the jewelry industry. I would much rather have a ring that both me and my FI like than have a big honking ring that he had to go into debt for. I can’t even imagine saying to him, “I won’t take anything under 2.5 carats.” Someone who comes right out and says that could not be more superficial.
Maybe it’s really true then that the ring says a lot about the wearer. If someone says they won’t settle for less than X carats, I know exactly what that tells me about that person.
Jilian- DH: Dear Husband It took me awhile to catch on too!
I’ve got a pretty spectacular ring because my fiance has a client that is a jeweler and he got a HUGE deal. But it bugs me when people make such a big deal out of the size, prettiness, etc. because that’s not what it’s about. I love it because he saved up for an entire year and spent considerable time researching cuts so he could design this fabulous ring he’s really proud of. Not because of size or whether people notice it or not.
TOTALLY! I HATE this in NYC! (and everywhere else!). It has seriously gotten so out of hand. I’ve had people seriously be like “oh, you’re ring is so cute…and small” like it’s a backhanded compliment. (it’s 1 carat). I’M SMALL (under 5′ tall) with small hands- why the heck do I need a huge ring?! It makes me angry when I think people judge here, because I wonder how people can judge us and our financial situation based on a piece of jewelry. (They have NO idea). In actually, my ring has NOTHING to do with our finances being big or small- it was just the perfect ring for me.
But you know, NYC is like this about everything- not just e-rings.
Thanks Jennifer!! The only thing my mind would think is ‘designated husband’! Maybe I watch too many sports
DH surprised me with a nice rock when we got engaged. Though, I think I can pull it off since my hands aren’t tiny and delicate, unfortunately (my ring finger is a 7 1/2). 
It’s really shown me just how rude people can be though. I’ve had salewomen flat out ask me how many carats it is and how much it cost as well as people at work who make comments about what my husband’s income must be just based on my ring. And then I love the people that think that just because someone has a “small ring” by NY standards that someone must not have a lot of money. My boss never got an engagement ring and she’s loaded!
i think some of us get delusional about rings (myself included) because we hear ’stories’.
for instance…
my friend’s friend’s husband started saving for their future since their first date together. 6 years later, by the time he dropped on one knee and asked her to share her life with him, he was able to confidently present her with a significantly sized ring.
don’t know about you…but i swooned. i don’t even know what “significantly sized” really means. all i know is that it probably hurt a little for him to have saved for all those years. i viewed it as a testament of the guy’s belief, faith, dedication, commitment, and sacrifice in their relationship.
now, there are a million other ways to showcase the above qualities, especially when it comes to spending the savings…and this is where preference would play a role. maybe you’d prefer that he invest in a house for the both of you or that you use the funds to travel together etc.
but any way you look at it, the story is still a good one.
for me personally, i view the ring is an intimate gift from my future husband, a result of his hard work and maybe a few sweat and tears. (notice, i didn’t say DEBT!!!) things like a house, or travelling, i feel we can aim for together as a couple, once we are married…but i like to think that i see ‘the ring’ as something more significant than a simple bragging right (which is what i think this post is making out the e-ring to be).
in conclusion, if you don’t like it ‘big’, it shouldn’t have to be. if you do like it ‘big’, you shouldn’t be knocked for it as long it’s for the right reason.
This is totally a NYC thing. I got engaged while living there a couple months after a close friend. When I showed her my ring (which has two small diamonds in an artsy, unique setting), that I love, all she could say was “Oh…that’s…different” It was no where near the size of her rock, and I never wanted a large rock.
Now that I live in the midwest, people genuinely like my ring.
NYC is weird. That’s one of the reasons we left (the consumerism & $$)
The thing I find REALLY interesting, at least for me, is that once the engagement was over, and everyone had seen the ring…it ceased to matter anyway. Now that we are married, it really only matters to me. Once we have kids, I’m not sure it will matter to anyone.
Perspective is the key, here.
This is a great subject! I am totally guilty of being a woman who said I wanted a certain type of ring and of a certain size. However, I was completely naive! I never wore jewelry. My mom never wore her rings. So I had no idea that 2 carats was big and the cost of it all. I was in grad school with fellow classmates that were older and getting married much earlier than me. They all seemed to have at least 2 carats and up. So I really thought that was the norm. Now fast forward 5 years later, my husband took me ring browsing. I was in shock! In the end, my husband bought me the most lovely ring ever! And yes, it is more than 2 carats but not because I requested it. He, just like Jilian’s husband, figured he would rather go a bit bigger. In the end, the e-ring should be a symbol of your promise of marriage. It should be cherished. It should not put you into debt. If my husband could not afford such a ring, there is no way in heck I would let him get me one nor would I think he would be silly enough to take a loan out for it.
Just to add to the amount of rudeness in the world, one woman asked me several times how much the ring cost. And each time, I refused to tell her. And at one point, I said, “I’ve just met you. I don’t feel comfortable telling you this.” And yes, I live in NYC. And I agree, NYC is like this about a lot of things.
Great post! A lot of my friends are starting to get engaged and I realize that I do not care about the size of the ring - but I do care about the details! The details are what makes your ring stand out, not the size!
I have to be one of the people who strays from majority here. But I, like Mrs. Almond, am guilty of having asked for something specific. Why? Well, I admit it. I like big sparkly things! And I have large-ish hands and fingers. I think it just needs to be proportional. But after seeing the costs and feeling very remsorseful about even asking for a certain size, I have just left it up to him to pick one (we haven’t picked a e-ring yet).
And I am guilty of asking my friends size. Why? Because I was just uneducated and really clueless. Do I think I was being rude? No. Do my friends and I discuss those kind of details. Yes. But not becuase we’re competitive. I do have one very close friend who has never asked how big or how much her ring cost (I think for fear of knowing b/c her rock is HUGE!). When we went window shopping for rings, she had absolutely NO IDEA how much a ring ro a carat cost.
What I DO have a problem with is this kind of backlash from women with smaller rings vs. women with larger rings. I see it all the time. Those with the smaller rings seem to standy by “quality”, “the meaning of it”, and how the other girls with big rings are “materialistic”. It’s the same justification that it’s okay to call someone “too skinny” or “needs to eat” vs. “overweight” “fat”, etc (I’ve been watching alot of Tyra’s body image episode). Anyhow - I don’t judge either way (big or small). I think it’s just a personal preference and people living within their means.
My boyfriend of 6 happy years surprised me with a beautiful, sparkly, perfect ring (2.3K) during a ski vacation out West when we had both finished school, gotten jobs, moved in together, etc. I thought it was pretty and thought nothing of the size (I was 24 - I hadn’t thought about it). My fingers (size 4) and the setting (cathedral) made it look bigger because it kind of stands up. Anyway, his family thought it was lovely and everyone in Utah congratulated us, etc. So I get back to Atlanta and it was just awful to the point I was self-conscious about it (i.e. drunk girls asking if it was fake and/or asking if they could take pictures on their phones to send to their boyfriends; asking how I “got a guy” that would afford that, how many carets?, etc.). I was like how’s a girl to know? I had never gotten a ring before (this was actually my first piece of “real jewelry” -my ears aren’t even pierced). And guess what? My fiance had never gone ring shopping before - how would he know “people” would think it was “big”? Anyway, our good friends of course thought it was special, sweet, whatever (obviously way more excited about our ENGAGEMENT rather than the engagement ring) but random strangers really hurt my feelings. (thinking back 11 months later - why?!) Anyway, i agree that no one knows the story and should assume nothing. It’s sad that so many of us have these stories - people are just haters!
I’ve probably been guilty of all the above offenses:
- I’ve asked my friend how much she paid for her ring about 10 yr ago. She wasn’t comfortable telling me and I thought that was strange at the time. I was young then and curious and didn’t realize it was such a sensitive subject for people.
- I told my FI exactly what ring I wanted. Sentimentality aside, if I was gonna wear this thing for the long haul, I better like it. I gave him the specs and he bought the perfect ring (although it was a bit pricier than I had expected). One of my specs was that I didn’t want anything over 1 carat - too much bling for me.
- I had a co-worker who recently got engaged and she was wearing a HUGE rock (probably 2.5 carats). I had to do a double-take! I could tell it was a really nice quality diamond so it must have cost a fortune. I admit, my initial thought was “wow, I didn’t think she was that superficial” but then I had to mentally slap myself, especially since she’s never done anything to indicate that she was anything near superficial. Those darn stereotypes are sneaky.
- I’m also guilty of the “nice job” comment to the guy after looking at the girl’s ring. It just seems like the expected thing to say when admiring someone’s ring, ‘ya know? Just like complimenting the host’s cooking after dinner….
And Mrs Corn is right, now one cares about your ring after the marriage (unless it’s so big it blinds people during conversation
I’m a medical student, and my e-ring is about 1/3 carat. The diamond was my fiance’s mother’s (from a day when e-rings didn’t have to be huge honkin’ monstrosities, apparently), but I feel very torn- we’re dirt poor and didn’t have the money for a huge diamond anyway, but many other students/doctors have 1 carat+ diamonds and I definitely get the “oh, it’s so… nice/small/cute” comment a lot. How irritating!
Vivian- I 100% agree with you about judging people whose ring is big as well. This is just the reverse of judging the ring bc it’s too small. I just hate all the judging period- big or small. It shouldn’t matter.
My crazy friends:
- One insisted on a 2+ carat ring. I still can’t figure how he paid for it.
- One compared our almost identically sized rings (by touching them to each other) and complained mine looks bigger.
- One received her ring and then asked if that was all her husband thought she was worth.
- One complained because a sales woman had the nerve to tell her her ring was beautiful and ask if it was 1 carat, when in fact, it’s 2.
- One thinks hers looks small so she got a wedding band with giant stones all the way around– I think they’re about 1/2 a carat each.
They’re all great girls though, really, I swear. But sometimes people get caught up in insanity. Yes, NYC and its suburbs can be a crazy place.
wow Vivian - well said!!
This is a very enlightening discussion!
We got my ering and band on ebay–at the time, we weren’t even sure if they were real, to give you an idea of the asking price! Turns out they were, thankfully, and we saved a ton of money. I love them, but I do admit that I gawk at others rings sometimes. However, I learned a lot from my sister’s attitude about living within one’s means. She married young and they were both in school, so they bought a cubic zirconium set. In the future, I’m sure she’ll upgrade, but she is totally fine with what she has. Rings are a symbol of love, not an actual representation!
I don’t think asking for and getting what you want is unreasonable. It’s like when people can’t believe that my fiance still opens my car door for me. (after almost 8 years together) I tell them if my fiance wanted to date someone that didn’t want their car door opened for them then he could go out and find one. (BTW, I never asked him too, he has just always done it, but he knows that I appreciate it)
When I see a woman with a big shiny rock, I totally admire her for it. But same with someone that has a totally beautiful sapphire. If it’s beautiful, then it’s beautiful, no matter the size, shape or stone.
Find ARIEL’s POST and read it.
I completely agree with her. We’re finishing college and can’t afford much. Therefore, my ring is tiny (.32 center stone with a few channel sets on either side) and dainty and elegant and I love it because it’s a sparkling symbol of committment (that I only have to take off to shower - it’s that comfortable!).
And you know what?
I betchya that we’ll still be married when the ladies who haaad to have the big rock are filing for their third divorce. ack, nyc…
mrs. emerald — i thought it was a great idea my mom had. here is my post about the making of my wedding ring if you didn’t catch it earlier: http://www.weddingbee.com/2007/07/13/a-ring-is-born/
and mrs. bee — yeah, my jeweler didn’t even have a sizing ring small enough and had to size it down after i tried on the final ring.
I’m from the Philly burbs and have lived in New York with my fiance for about 4 years. Things are so different here and you become so accustomed to the way people act with their blatant displays of money that you begin to feel like you have to live up to it.
My fiance bought me a beautiful 1/2 carat diamond set in a gorgeous simple, but unique platinum band. Upon initial inspection, but most of my fellow-New Yorkers look at it and say (as if in consolation) that it fits me because it’s very “classic and simple”. I take it as a compliment, but know it’s not really meant that way.
But you want to know something? My mom has a big ol’ fake diamond in her ring. And guess what? She and my dad married at 18 years old in a very simple church ceremony. My mom made her and her bridesmaid’s dresses and they had a 30 person reception in their new apartment. They’ve been married for over 35 years and are the two happiest people I’ve ever known. It leads me to suspect that no matter what the size of my diamond, it doesn’t make my relationship any better or my marriage any happier.
Gosh, it’s always, “Does size Matter” isn’t it? I love my ring because it was given to me by my guy. He spent a long time designing it, looking for the perfect diamond and it’s just that - perfect! I absolutely love it. He knew exactly what *I* would like and what would look nice on my hand. Size didn’t even come into it. He went for a high quality stone, high quality metal and made me an amazing ring that I love. I still keep walking into walls because I love looking at it, and I’ve been engaged for 8 months now. I NEVER compare mine to anyone else’s because honestly, I don’t care about anyone else’s ring. I love mine, and that’s all that matters in the end.
it’s not just the coasts that have a “bigger is better” mentality when it comes to erings. i live in the midwest in a smallish town…and it’s the same story. my FI bought me a gorgeous ring that i picked out the setting and stone shape, the stone size was up to him. he could have gone way into debt to purchase my ring, but he didn’t. he was able to pay in cash that night. (less than 1,000–>actually used credit card) i love my ring. it’s has a nice cut so that although it’s only a .75 carat, it sparkles like none other.
a friend got engaged before i was married and when she decided we need to do things together for our separate weddings (different blog here!) ppl noticed hers b/c it was a larger carat (2 i think). it was to the point that people thought i wasn’t the bride until i told them we were at an appt for me, not her.
I got engaged in the woods-had to take off the fleece gloves to put the ring on. My FI gave me his great grandmother’s ring- smaller stone (1/3ct or so) and in a beautiful setting. It breaks my heart that I’m going to have to get it re-set, as it is quite worn (loved for years…). I wouldn’t want anything bigger, and it’s classier than anything else I wear. Quite happy, even if FI sometimes apologizes that it’s not bigger, or that he didn’t buy it. It makes everything more personal- I’m going to be part of the family, and I would feel guilty if he had spent more than he could afford. Getting married isn’t a competition- neither the engagement, nor the wedding. Noone else is in my home, and that’s what’s important.
I have a sapphire engagement ring. FH and I both love blue and always knew we wanted to get a sapphire instead of a diamond. I love it. But I find it amusing how often people — a few relatives, but most often casual acquaintances — say to me things along the lines of “well, you can always upgrade later” or “you can always get a diamond down the road if you change your mind.” WTF???
The dreaded ring comparisons. The thing that cracks me up is the “status” Tiffany conjures up. As if a person can tell the difference between a Tiffany-style ring to the actual brand. Interesting observation: I used to live in westside LA and my work is located around 3rd Street which is a very posh area. I can honestly say that the ring comparison isn’t that big. In LA you can tell who really has money between others who are giving you the illusion that they do. It’s too easy to just follow the car (you can lease), the ring (take out a loan), clothes (paying with credit) — it’s about the overall package including how you carry yourself which why it’s easy to tell when someone is trying too hard. The people who need to have the biggest thing are usually the ones who are horribly self-conscious and are also swimming in debt.
I kind of agree that saying someone is superficial because they want a big rock is silly. My friend told her fi that she wanted at least a 2ct ring. Why? Because she likes big rocks.
Is that any worse then me telling my fiance that I wanted an custom-made, intricate, engraved, antique looking platinum ring? My diamond is smaller then most of my friends, but the setting was so expensive that the costs were very similar. But that was the style ring I liked! And he wanted me to have a ring I love.
Sarah, you might not have to have it reset. My guy gave me his grandmother’s wedding/e-band and we found out that one of the diamonds was loose. After 47 years of wear, it wasn’t surprising. We plan on having it restored–metal can be added to build up the stability while still maintaining the original ring. It takes a little research, but we found a local gal who was recommended to us.
cool, i can’t wait to move to NYC and show off my 0.73 carat ring we had 0.75 as our *upper* limit on size, because anything bigger would just look ugly on my hand! even now, when we look at it, we think it looks too big.
when did jewelry start being about status and stop being about style?
I agree! I live in NYC as well and have noticed the same thing. People definitely look at your ring to see how big it is and I sometimes feel I get judged by it (and although I try not to, it’s hard not to get caught up in it yourself). My ring isn’t huge for NYC, but when I go home to Indiana I get a lot of attention from it (I even had one person ask me if it was real!).
I love my ring because my fiance spent the time to research it and pick it out the perfect one for me, not because of its size.
Wow. what a good post. I live NYC as well. People love to compete with each other. I know this one girl even ask me what’s my grading on the diamond? WTH? its none of your business. I love my E-ring, my FI did a great job. I really should have my friend read this post. She cries to her husband everyday that she wants a new diamond ring cuz hers is not a E class!
Mrs. Caterpillar, New York/CA
Age and Occupation in 06: 28, Corporate Attorney to be
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Musician
Engagement Date: March 9, 2006
Wedding Date: September, 2006
Venue: Rooster Point
About Me: I don't like Jeff Koons, mushy corn, or the unnecessary diacritical marks the New Yorker adds to words like cooperative. Also, I'm an obsessive compulsive when it comes to crafts. And not just the ordinary kind of obsessive compulsive who needs to have everything even and aligned. No. I've gilded the heads of pins to make sure they looked properly antique. Gilded them. Then coated them in german glass glitter. I am that crazy.
I hate that it’s come to this!! What’s wrong with women?