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. . . is on your left ring finger.
Or at least that’s what it feels like sometimes. NYC can be a very competitive city, and it often seems like people have lost their minds when it comes to engagement rings. A friend of mine told me that her co-worker has taken out a personal loan to finance his fiancee’s ring because she wouldn’t take anything smaller than 2 carats. Someone else told me that she immediately and automatically scans the left ring finger of each woman she meets and compares her ring against theirs. And another woman told me that she’s totally ashamed of her ring because it’s a single carat, and everyone in the city seems to have a larger one.
And yet, it’s difficult not to get caught up in the madness. Even though a ring is clearly not a reflection of the relationship you have with your intended, outsiders use it as a proxy for all sorts of unrelated things. If you don’t have a diamond; if you don’t have a big diamond; if your diamond is too big; if your ring is from Harry Winston or the Diamond Hut, all of that is supposed to mean something. And it really . . . just doesn’t.
Maybe I’ll just wear a big sign on my forehead that says “Married” on it, and step outside of this entire thing.
I hate that it’s come to this!! What’s wrong with women?
AH NYC! The funniest thing is all people here care about is how giant your rock is when in reality bigger is not necessarily better. A one carat ring can be more expensive than a flawed 2 carat. Taking out a personal loan seems insane. WE live in a society of consumption where people live way beyond there means, that eventually catches up with us. Look at the sub-prime crisis, that is a result of peope getting larger mortgages than they could carry so they can live in a bigger house that they can truly afford. We need to stop the insanity!!
Engagement rings can be a touchy issue. I’m scared if people compare mine to theirs. I’m even excited to even have a ring, but there are some people like one of my best friends who says she won’t have anything less that $7,000. I think the subject can hurt not only the women who wear the rings, but their partners who purchased them. My fiance gets really offended when I point out nice rings, because he feels he didn’t do well enough and that I don’t like what he gave me. He did an amazing job, though, and I feel horrible knowing that I was the one to hurt his feelings in that way!
That’s insane. Around here, 1 carat is really big.
I agree with sally: stop the insanity!
Great post! Taking out a personal loan for an engagement ring is insanity– I would much rather my fiance buy me something he could afford (however small) than have him incur debt over it. It’s sad what a competitive, consumptive society we’ve become. And it’s a scary day when a 1 carat diamond ring is deemed “not big enough”!
good post! i told my honey that i wanted a band for my engagement ring, which will also double as my wedding ring. he did such a good job, i LOVE my ring.
don’t get me wrong, i love diamonds as much as the next girl! but for this particular piece of jewelry, which is so special and so symbolic, i wanted to buck the trend and do something that would have special meaning to *us.*
surprisingly, the harshest critics of our decision to go for a blingless ring were some of the women in his family, who felt that it sent the wrong message about my honey’s ability to “provide” for me. i wonder if anyone else out there had a similar experience?
I completely agree that the competition is out of control. It disgusts me when I hear women talking about the size of the diamond and how quickly they can upgrade to the rock they REALLY want. it just seems like the meaning behind the ring is a distant second to the status and $$$ value of the diamond. I decided not to play the game and chose a sapphire instead. Women ask me all the time why I have a sapphire, as if I’m out of my mind.
It’s totally true though! I think it is just New York, too… very strange. Well, when I lived in Seattle, I noticed a lot of girls who had engagement rings were often a lot younger (mostly in their early early 20s) and the rings were very modest yet beautiful. In New York, I have noticed the big rock competition. Everyone always squeals over a big ring! And Sally is right, a lot of the time a beautiful, radiant, one carat will outshine a big rock. Mr. C and I used to joke that I wanted something in between a booger and a doorknob. But to each her own, right?
I totally agree but I just want to add - it’s not always the women!! A lot of women I know (myself included) would have been perfectly happy with a smaller diamond (or no diamond), but there seems to be even MORE pressure on the man for making sure he “does it right.” A lot of men I know have admitted to this since it’s a direct indicator of their wealth and commitment (supposedly) and therefore reflects more on him than on the woman that wears it. All I have to say is…eh. 
Oh yes, NYC. This guy I know cashed out his 401k to buy his fiancee the 2.5+ carat ring she HAD to have. And within my social circle, a lot of engagements happen in the beginning of the year, right after the Wall Street bonuses are handed out. When Mr Peony was researching engagement rings, he was shocked to find that the majority of his friends spent over $20k.
I have what I think is a decent-sized engagement ring. However, I have gotten the occasional comments such as, “Oh….that’s….cute” or “Well, it’s not TOO small.”
I don’t have any stones on my engagement ring and people always look at me like “oh poor thing”. But I don’t feel bad. FI bought me what he could afford and what he bought me meant something to him. I always think that is more important to me.
I knew a girl that said she’d marry no man who gave her a ring with less than 3 carats. Her fam was in the jewelry business and she felt that they wouldn’t think he was worthy of her.
Jasmine - I totally agree with you. I don’t look down on people who have large e-rings….just as long as they’re able to afford it. I just don’t think you should take out loans or cash out your retirement fund to buy one.
Bluebell - I feel the same way. Sometimes it really does seem like the guys are the ones competing with each other to see who can buy the bigger, better quality rock for their fiancees. Just like how so many of them seem to be competing for who plans the most extravagant proposal. 
It becomes crazy, but I know that guys compete just as much as girls.
confession time — I have to admit that I love having a big ring. Mine is over 2 carats, but my Fiance did any amazing job and got wonderful specs for around $14k — worth over $20l for sure. The part I don’t get is getting a Tiffanys or another name brand ring. It’s not like anyone can tell, and they all come out of the same mines!
Gee, I wonder if the jewellry industry has anything to do with this. Who was it that said a ring should be three paychecks worth?
great post. i happen to have a very sizable diamond, but not because mr. onion took out a loan. my mother actually gave him her ring to give to me which has a lot of meaning. i will be thrilled to give it to our daughter (if we have two i have NO idea what we’ll do).
my mother made a great “deal” of sorts with him. she asked him to take whatever he was planning on spending on a ring for me and investing/saving it for our future together.
i also have VERY small hands — 2 3/4, so it looks even bigger than it is. i have to admit, i sometime feel a bit strange when people look at my hand — i wonder what they’re thinking. mrs. bee asked to see it at our get together and was shocked too! i should be proud but sometimes i think people judge us without having any idea of the history of the ring or where it came from.
SO — don’t always make an assumption about a ring just by it’s size/apparent price tag.
DeBeers! But I’m a total sucker for those commercials. I think I actually start to well up.
I definitely agree with Mrs Bluebell–I didn’t want a diamond at all but he wanted one so he didn’t look bad to his family. He actually ended up getting me one–and then took it back! He found a gorgeous sapphire instead that is totally me & I couldn’t be happier.
And speaking of the diamond industry–another fantastic marketing job they’ve done is the right hand ring. Apparently men weren’t buying enough diamonds so now we need to empower ourselves by buying a ring for our other hand!
My fiance bought my ring from a private jeweler. He has access to the best stones and metals and his wife wears a .7 carat stone. He says size has nothing to do with the quality. At some point it’s a safety issue too. Do you really want to draw that kind of attention to yourself on the streets?
I love my ring, and getting stopped by people who ask to look at it. However, I have no idea what size it is, and in fact, told my fiance I don’t want to know. In putting it on my insurance policy, I told him to fax the info to my agent, so I don’t see it.
Yes, I live in NYC, but I love that my ring is beautiful, and exactly what I was hoping for. I never cared about size.
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Mrs. Caterpillar, New York/CA Age and Occupation in 06: 28, Corporate Attorney to be Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Musician Engagement Date: March 9, 2006 Wedding Date: September, 2006 Venue: Rooster Point About Me: I don't like Jeff Koons, mushy corn, or the unnecessary diacritical marks the New Yorker adds to words like cooperative. Also, I'm an obsessive compulsive when it comes to crafts. And not just the ordinary kind of obsessive compulsive who needs to have everything even and aligned. No. I've gilded the heads of pins to make sure they looked properly antique. Gilded them. Then coated them in german glass glitter. I am that crazy.
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