Wedding Blog
Sometime during the endless rounds of conversation about where we should register and for what, Mr. Robin came up with the idea of asking our guests to consider gifting to several charities that we either donate to, or are actually involved with. I loved this idea of giving more through our wedding, so we wrote the following note to accompany our invitations:
I know that it breaks the rule about mentioning registries, but we didn’t think that anyone would mind that much.
Now that the designs are complete and we’re going to assemble the invitations, I am having these uncomfortable feelings about it. You know, this little voice whispering in my head, “But I like presents” and “I want those things on our registry.” I guess I didn’t know how much I actually had internalized the idea that part of getting married = getting presents. It is very disturbing, because I thought that I was more generous and less acquisitive than this.
One thing that I am grateful for is that I have great supportive friends and family, even though some may think we are crazy. I really want to have this chance to give more, and know that I will look back on this and be grateful for the chance. I guess it means that much more because it isn’t easy, right?
I was just wondering if anyone else has ever done something like this. How do you feel about it now?
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Rather than ask for charity donations in lieu of gifts, we are doing donations to our favorite charity instead of giving favors to guests, and will donate 10% of the cash gifts we receive to charity.
Truthfully, we desperately need all the kitchen-related things on our registry, because we will be living several hundred miles apart after marriage while he does his residency and I finish my Ph.D. We currently have one set of everything, but we will actually need the two… so he’ll take the old things we already have, and I’ll keep the new things.
What you are doing is incredibly generous! If we had the things we needed, I absolutely would do the same, but it just wasn’t practical for us. I figure the next best thing is doing a (fairly significantly) donation instead of favors — $5/person, times 175 guests, and donating part of the money we receive.
I do bet that you will still receive a lot of gifts off the registry, though. I tend to feel like most people like to give the happy couple a tangible gift, something they will use and remember the happy day.
Truthfully, I’d be a little confused as a guest. Do you want gifts? Do you want us to donate to charity? Its almost like you want gifts as well as for people to donate to your charity.
You are incredibly generous in your wanting to donate to your charities, but dont know if soliciting your guests to donate AS WELL as listing your registries is sending out mixed messages?
I love Julie’s idea of donating 10% of cash recieved to charities of her choice. I’m almost wondering if maybe you should do the same. Instead of saying: Heres where we registered, also, heres some charities that you should give money to,
maybe it would be easier on your guests if you said (not in these words of course) “heres our registries, but if you choose to give us cash, we will donate XX percent to the following charities that we currently support and love. Please feel free to donate directly to the charities in lieu of gifts to us)
It almost seems like how youre doing it now, youre really wanting the best of both worlds and somehow your genuine love and support for the charities is somehow lost by mentioning your registries. I hate to be so negative, but I just wanted to offer up my genuine opinion on the subject. I do think you are being so lovely and gracious in including charities as a gift option. Good luck Miss R!
I think it’s a really nice idea, but I’m with Miss Penguin. If I received that card, I would feel obligated to both get you a gift AND donate to the charity. I like the idea of charity favors much better than this. I know you mean well with it, but it’s going to confuse a lot of people and probably make a good number uncomfortable too.
I’m with Miss Penguin on this one–while it is very commendable that you want to donate to a charity, I’m not sure if you want your guests to give you a present AND donate to a charity. Maybe I compromise is to say where you’re registered at, then give 10% of cash gifts to your charity AND do a donation in lieu of favors.
The registry thing is actual something we felt compelled to mention after soliciting some opinions about the note. It was suggested that telling people about the donation option as a way to help us celebrate was fine, but many traditional guests would be confused and fustrated because they wanted to buy an actual physical present
The truth is, after having a long struggle and several conversations with God about this, I do hope many people pick the donation option. Both from a standpoint of practicality, I will just have to put them in storage for over a year. And also from the standpoint that these are charities I believe in and love. The truth is Mr R and I don’t have a lot, because we have both been living with roommates, but we have enough.
I guess I am glad that these are only going out to people who know and love us with a deeper understanding of who we both are, and don’t tend to jump to such negative conclusions.
I completely agree with Miss Penguin. Truthfully, I’d be very put off by this. It appears to me like you are still asking for gifts. If you take out the top portion, though, I think it’s great.
I don’t think it’s jumping to a negative conclusion. It’s an honest reaction–it’s confusing. And it still is asking for gifts. Maybe in a much nicer way than most gift-grabby notes do, but it still is showing that you yourself jumped to the conclusion that all your guests will want to get you a gift and/or will support the same charities you do. I also hope most people only invite people to their weddings who know and love them.
I think this is a really nice idea that would be much better executed through word of mouth when people ask where you’re registered. Bottom line, you asked for opinions. If you just wanted validation, you should have said so.
My etiquette side still thinks it’s weird to mention your registry (even if it’s a charity) in the invitation. I’d find some other way to get the word out, like on your wedding web site or telling your family + wedding party.
I think the idea is good and I actually think the wording is fine but I might add in to the last sentence “in lieu of gifts please consider donating to one of the following charities instead” etc. That way there is no confusion over you wanting both a gift and a donation and you still get to make it known that you would like to have this done.
I guess I go against the grain on the whole etiquette thing that you dare not put this info in your invites, because quite frankly there are a lot of people who want convience. If you send them the info they are happy that they dont have to chase someone down to find this out. The most irritating thing on earth to me is when I get invitations to baby showers or weddings in my family without this info because my family is TERRIBLE about comminicating these kinds of things. So I say go for it. 
Miss Robin, I get the point of what you’re doing. I think I may do something similar for my registry. Your guests will understand and will choose whatever suits them best.
good luck!
I would also be very put off if I received something like this with a wedding invite. Not only is it presuming that guests will be looking to get you a gift, it is presuming that the guest needs help on how to give to charity.
And if you’re only sending these out to people who have a deeper understanding of you and won’t have this reaction, I’m not sure why you ended your post with asking how we feel about it.
I have a friend who recently set up a charity registry through the I Do foundation. The information was on her wedding website (I think it is fine to include website information with your invitation as long as the website has information beyond the registry). The wording said “X and Y have registered for charitable gifts supporting Charity A and Charity B. As your wedding gift, they suggest that you consider making a secure, tax-deductible donation in their honor.” Below that was a “we are also registered at…” I was not at all put off by what they did (and I did give both a donation and a registry gift). I think it is great to suggest that people give to charity in honor of your wedding, but I would consider passing along the information by word of mouth (or via a more fully developed wedding website).
Bravo Ms Robin! its all about choices and you have given your guests a choice to either buy you a gift or contribute to a charity. Seems simple. Are we still being bothered by “old wedding-etiquette rules? does anyone still follow that?? If I recieved this invite I would think “finally” a bride & groom who are being honest in what they want. It’s crazy to have to call around to try and find out where the B&G have regisetered etc…who has time for that?? I thing “jay” may have said it…..why not split what you would have given as a gift, 1/2 to the B&G and 1/2 to their charity.
Kudos to you Ms Robin for helping us break down some of these old rules.
Miss Robin,
Why don’t you spread the word about your registry (both gifts AND charity) the traditional way? Ask some trusted family members and friends to let everyone know what the deal is (cash or gifts and your feelings on both) so that there will be no offense or confusion. You said you have 175 guests - that’s a lot of people! You might be overestimating each person’s generosity. I’m not saying you don’t have a service-oriented family, it’s sounds like you do since you yourself are so giving, but there’s always someone (usually an old person!) who’ll be offended and/or confused.
We’re all just trying to help! (I hope…)
I believe the rule that you don’t mention registries of any type in the invitation has a lot of merit. I just think its bad form to include them. I agree simply mentioning your wedding website and then listing the registries on the website solves the headache for many guests. The people that don’t have access to the internet are probably used to the old method of discovering registries anyways and probably the same group that will notice the social faux pas of including a card with the invitation the most.
Hi Ms Robin. While I get what you are trying to do with the registry/charity insert, I have to agree with others that it is kind of confusing. If I were the guest, I would feel a little obligated to get you something from the registry in addition to donating to one of the charities. Perhaps a less direct way to let your guests know about your registry and charities is to let your immediate family and wedding party spread the word for you. Most likely, if you don’t provide information about where you have registered at, most guests will ask those close to you for that information. If you are also building a website, you can include that info on the website. My fiance’s friend did that…in addition to basic registry info, they included links to their favorite charities and explained why these charities were meaningful to them.
We registered with the i do foundation (through wedding channel) and actually get the best of both worlds…by making an online purchase through them from our Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn registries, they donate a percentage of the gift to the charity of your choice. and its at no extra cost to the guest or the bride and groom. It’s great!
We mentioned it on our wedding website that went out with the save the dates, but after that are relying on family to spread the word.
I plan on using the “I Do” foundation as well. I like the idea of getting my cake and eating it too that it implies. For my way to “give back” to society, I plan on giving something as favors that can be used to make the world a better place (if you will). I will give small trees to plant, organic produce from the area, something to that effect. My dad is an organic farmer, so the produce idea will probably win out in the end!
We are also asking for donations to our favorite charity in addition to having traditional registries, but we put the info up on our website instead of in the invitations directly.
Here’s the text:
“The most meaningful gift we can hope for is that you will all enjoy yourselves, dance, and celebrate with us at our wedding. If you’d like to get us an additional gift, we encourage you to consider purchasing something smaller from one of the registries listed below and contributing to the American Jewish World Service in our honor.”
I don’t think it’s at all offensive to suggest that people could think about getting you a registry gift and donating to charity. I would just make sure that you have a lot of smaller items on your registries to ensure that there are enough options.
I have to agree with the wedding website method as the best method. I have seen that before as a choice of places the couple has registered with and a small note, and there was no confusion.
Thank you all for your comments. I will blame my own poor writing on the fact that the point of struggle and on which I wanted opinions may have been missed.
What I was not expecting was a critique of the note that was written. The note was an intimate missive written to mostly family and close friends, and it did not even occur to me that perhaps it was best summarized since readers would not have the context to judge its content accurately, as to intent and probable reaction. I also did not realize that there were such strong opinions about bucking tradition and mentioning gifts. But, as I said, I will take the fault of the confusion on myself.
This post was about my struggle between my spiritual and culture sides. About encountering the fact that I am not as immune to consumerism as I like, about pockets of unfamiliarity that I still find in my own behavior. I was hoping to find an opinion not of etiquette or wording; but perhaps someone who might have experienced similar., or had at least offered their guests the chance to
give charitably and had a great experience with that.
Thank you to those later who did share such stories, especially mchemist.
Those who know and love you both, and understand your commitment to reach out to those less fortunate, will not be confused. They will recognize it to be simply an extension of the life you already live-one of compassion and sacrifice for the less fortunate in our midst, reflecting the heart and hands of the One you follow.
The long tradition of starting with all the fun, new stuff in establishing your home is one I didn’t even question when I married. I greatly admire your compassion for others, and your willingness to share in His provisions. The home you are establishing extends far beyond a local street address. You two are amazing! (Yep-I could be a little biased….)
The not mentioning registries with the invitation is just stupid. By making your family spread the word, you are creating an unnecessary burden on everyone involved. I do not understand why making everyone do more work is more “polite”. Everyone knows they are supposed to bring a gift to a wedding. Everyone knows that you will be registered somewhere. Cut the crap.
If you ask me, what is polite is including directions, local hotel/travel information along with registry information on a small “additional info” piece of paper. If you have a wedding website, I agree with the above, just put that.
Also, to streamline the process, why not look into the I Do foundation and see about having 10% of gift purchases be donated to the charity? That just makes it easier for the guests, and they only have to get you one gift that serves both purposes.
We asked for contributions to our favorite charities in lieu of gifts, and we only wish more people had taken us seriously! We anticipated that some of our friends and family would not be able to conceptualize that breach of protocol, so we made two tiny little registries (fewer than 10 items on each) mostly to show them how little we really needed. Instead of giving us what we wanted (nothing) or what we needed (registry stuff), folks went all out of the box. Some (fancy dinner out) were successful; others (figurines) were not.
And now, when people ask what we want for Christmas, we can send them back to the wedding registry. If we timed it right, we can send them to the registry for each of our birthdays, too. Christmas and birthdays are another time when I suggest donations in lieu of gifts, but it doesn’t work then, either.
Please consider using http://www.Idofoundation.com
You can register at big name store (Target, Linen-n-things, etc.) and a portion of the gifts bought online through thier website, are donated to your charity of choice. I did have to register my charity but it was a very simple process. Also they host a wedding website for you for free. It was easy for my guests to use. I had links to my wedding website. Feel free to browse to see how it worked-www.jasonandchavaun.com
Mr. Robin’s Mom–You’re so sweet! How lucky Miss Robin is to have such a wonderful FMIL.
Hmmm…looks like I’m supposed to do both. Even though it’s amazing you want to donate to charity rather than receive gifts, it still looks tacky to be on an invitation that comes from you, rather than a shower thrower or on a webiste perhaps
You know your guests best, obviously, and if you think they’ll understand where you’re coming from, go for it. It’s a beautiful gesture and one you’ve clearly thought through carefully and compassionately.
But it’s still asking for gifts and telling your guests how to give you gifts. And that’s tacky. Your guests may overlook it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not tacky. You can explain it as making your wedding more personal and reflective of you and your values, but that still doesn’t mean it’s not tacky. Etiquette doesn’t exist to make people feel bad, contrary to what some of the commenters seem to think. It exists to guide people in what could otherwise be awkward situations. Mentioning gifts for yourself on an invitation you yourself issue is bound to make at least some less-financially-well-off invitees feel awkward. And that’s why etiquette says it’s a no-no.
Clearly your heart and mind are in the right place. But there’s no way to get around the fact that it’s tacky to tell people how to give you a gift. Period.
You have to be kidding me!! Are you saying that you would rather put a web site on your invitation rather than put where you are registered at?! Isn’t that the same thing? One person is just getting the information to their guests faster, and everyone who does not have access to a computer doesn’t feel left out or like they are less of a guest because they don’t have a computer.
Enough on this subject anyway, because in the end the bride is going to be the only one who remembers this kind of stuff. So lets be a little more supportive of each other since we are all here for the same thing.
I know this is going to sound horrible, but every wedding I have attended in Georgia (maybe it’s just a southern thing) has had their registry information included in the packet of invitations. I know it’s not proper etiquette, but I haven’t attended one wedding that hasn’t done it, and you know what? I don’t see the big fuss, most guests that want to get you a gift find it easier (I know I sure as heck did) and the guests that don’t want to(or can’t) buy you a gift,simply don’t, and those that can’t attend the wedding, but still want to feel part of your big day, can buy you a gift and send it with their regrets.
~Ash
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Mrs. Robin, Portland
Age and Occupation: 26, Client Services Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Professional Poker Play/Options Trader
Engagement Date: September 5, 2007
Wedding Date: January 5, 2008
Blogging Since: November 2, 2007
Venue: Portland Armory
About Me: I am a wine-loving, earring-obsessed foodie who lives in Portland, OR. I design jewelry as a hobby and love to shop for jeans, shoes, and vintage furniture. I am a crazy mix of modern and traditional values, and I can't wait to marry my best friend and see where God will lead our lives together.
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