Vow Of Silence
November 20th, 2007 @ 9:25 am by Mrs. Penguin
I love couples who write and recite their own vows. I wanna BE those couples. Being able to express your feelings so openly for the man/woman you love in front of an audience is not only uber romantic, but takes lots of guts and a huge lesson in public speaking skills as well.
So when we started to write our ceremony, I excitedly asked Mr. Penguin if he would want to write his own vows. He quickly shot me down with a big NO. I was stunned by his lightning fast ability to spit that one out. He’s usually a man of “I’m not sure’s” or “we’ll have to see what happens,” but NEVER a “NO” man.
I pouted but took a moment to reflect on the type of couple that he and I are. We are not exactly the PDA type. We express our love for each other very openly in the privacy of our own home, but to be honest, you’ll probably hear me utter the words, “I’m gonna punch you in the balls, buddy” ten times for every one “I love you honey” said in the company of others. Strange, but sadly, true. So I guess it would be a little uncomfortable for both him and I to all of the sudden become a PDA couple for our wedding. And I don’t mean that in the “Spit Swapping PDA” sense, but simply: Publicly Displaying our Affection… so openly and honestly while 100 eyes are staring at us. Yikes. Nervewracking!
Mr. Penguin was right, it might just not be for us. But I haven’t quite given up hope, that maybe we can both gather the courage to say our vows in our own words, without the guidance of our officiant.
So I ask you, did you/are you choosing to recite your own vows, or will you/did you have your officiant “lead” you in your vows? Why did you choose one over the other?
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25 Responses to “Vow Of Silence”
I feel exactly the same way. I have always been in awe of those brave enough to say their own vows. I love it. However, my FH and I love eachother but have never been ones to feel comfortable sharing it much w/ people in public. We are wiriting notes for eachother that we will will read (in private) before the ceremony which will essentially serve the same purpose and its makes it feel like its our little secret. I think the look we have on our faces all day will clue poeple in to how we are feeling. No need to say it.
Mr. Jasmine is the same way– he is not comfortable with any kind of display of affection or mushiness in public. So coming up with our own vows was totally out of the question. So while I admire the creativity and emotion of personal vows, I’m really okay with us reciting the traditional ones. There is something incredibly poignant and meaningful about saying the traditional vows– vows millions of couples have said before us and will say after us. It makes me feel like we’re part of something really sacred.
Just like you, I thought writing our own vows was super romantic and in theory I wanted to do it, but Mr. V and I are very much like you guys. We don’t like to display much affection in public so it would be very unlike us and very nervewrecking to say the least!
In the end, we didn’t do it and it turned out just as romantic. =)
We wrote our own vows taken from lots of traditional sources - a little Protestant, a little Jewish, a little us and then repeated them after the officiant (our friend ordained by the Universal Life Church).
I very much wanted us to write our own vows, but I was SO nervous about saying all that personal stuff in front of everyone.
You know what? I focused on my husband’s eyes and it was over before I knew it. Everyone loved our personal ceremony — as hard as it is to be so intimate with witnesses, you have to remember that it’s a wedding and people will absolutely eat it up.
Both of us are with Mr. Penguin on the immediate “NO”. It’s not for us. I’d rather have a non-traditional twist to the regular vows or something else to somehow incorporate something more personal.
I’d rather hear about the personal words at the reception from the bride to groom vice versa than at the ceremony.
we are not public speaking type and we are just like you and your FH - except i used a worse word than balls hehe. We did write our own vows but will have our officiant say them while we repeat. After reading over our ceremony, i feel it still has the same impact and i wont be a blubbering idiot while reciting them.
Mine wasn’t even so much of a PDA issue as a general shyness issue. No matter what I’d be talking about I just wouldn’t feel comfortable carrying the conversation in front of that many people all staring at me for that long!! A simple “I do” or repeating one phrase at a time was manageable but if I’d had to really speak SENTENCES I would have died!!! Although I definitely do envy couples who can present their eloquently written personalized vows so perfectly!!
I think you and Mr Penguin have to do what you feel comfortable with, but also remember it is your big day, so you must be happy with your vows or it won´t feel right.
I thought it would be cool to write our own, but we ended up re-working the traditional ones a little bit. I really love the traitional “through sickness and through health” and “til death do us part.”
We also wrote each other letters and exchanged them on the morning of our wedding, and to me, that took the place of writing our own vows because we were able to express our hearts without it being so public.
Everyone who alluded to “one less thing to worry about,” RIGHT ON. We personalized every little thing about the whole weekend, except the ceremony. In fact, by the time the ceremony rolled around, I’m willing to bet the MOG (among others) was happy to have something so familiar to settle in to.
What ended up being…I guess “gripping” is a good word…from my perspective was in the midst of all the personalized “fun” stuff we suddenly had these very traditional words, which we’ve all heard a thousand times, this time coming out of me! And him! Looking at it that way, going by the book ended up having more meaning than anything we could have written ourselves.
We drew upon a lot of vows for inspiration, and customized those to suit us as a couple. But neither of us like the whole, turn to each other and read off of a piece of paper, so we’ll still have our officient recite them and we’ll repeat them. Traditional, yet personalized.
I considered this for a second, but then I thought…I don’t feel 100% comfortable with sharing all my feelings in front of everyone.
That jewelry commercial has the guy screaming “I love this woman” in a plaza, but he’s not yelling “you are my soulmate, I can’t imagine my life with out you.” I think there’s a difference.
I’m all for traditional vows! “To have & to hold…”
We’re Greek so… no vows. But if we did have them, I’d say writing ours would not have been a big deal.
hehe, i also threaten to punch Mr. GB in the balls… or pinch his nipples, or other horrible things. We had spots for people to write us vows on the back of our rsvp cards. Some people did, some people didn’t - a lot of people wrote really sappy things that we would never say in public. We had our friends pick the best of the best the morning of, and it was really great. Even the sappier ones that were chosen had a little bit of sass, and the silly ones were very us. Between me having to vow always to share my candy (whatever!) and him having to vow always to leave at least 2/3 the closet to me - they were very representative of us as a couple and as people.
Do you mean did we memorize our vows?
We did our own vows and had fun with them, but we recited them after the officiant so we wouldn’t get too nervous and forget (there was enough pressure on the wedding day). It’s the one way we felt we could really personalize our wedding. I wanted the ceremony to feel like us.
You could also do what we did and mix and match. It might be a great compromise: select pieces of different existing vows that fit you best and then add one or two personalized lines in. Most of our lines were identical except for two. That’s where we added our own feelings in.
It’s pretty much going to be the one time that people will love your PDA. It’s a tender, sweet, and loving moment, so hey…I say go with it.
We definitely will be led. The funny thing is that I believe that Mr. Robin and I are the type of people that you would imagine to do our own vows. We are fairly open with our emotions and affections and both write a lot. And we both used to be Drama kids!
But there is one thing stopping us. And that one thing is me. I cry. I cry at sad movies, reading letters, when songs are particularly joyful to my heart. I am tearing with emotion now, just thinking of standing in front of everyone and marrying Mr R. So the chances of me being able to deliver a whole set of vows in addition to the traditional ones (which I want included) without the crying getting unattractive, hmm… low. Best to have someone to repeat after.
We are exactly the same way; sarcastic in public, only lovey dovey in private. But it’s important for us to say a few self written words in front of all our loved ones, on our wedding day. If ever there were a time to do it, that’s the day! And it’ll be special because we’re never like that in public.
I still have no idea what I’m going to say, but short and heartfelt is definitely the way it’s going to be. None of those long lists of “you are my ___, my ___, my ____, my ____ and my ___. I promise to always ___, _____, and ___ you.” Snore.
writing our vows was actually my bf’s idea. we’re both really open about talking about how we feel for each other and have written plenty of blog posts on the subject as well so writing out vows will be another extension for us. we’ll probably do both, write our own vows and then follow along with our pastor as well.
I wanted to do vows and ceremony readings at our non-denominational ceremony and my husband was against both. A week before the wedding I told him I really wanted to do one or ther other (I’d mentioned both before but he’d definitely been less than enthusiastic), otherwise there was nothing personal about the ceremony. To my surprise he agreed to do the vows (this is a guy who’s never even held my hand around my parents so I knew he was uncomfortable expressing his emotion in front of people).
I wrote mine in about 15 minutes. He worked on his about 4 hours (at least) the night before the wedding and that morning. When he read them to me I could tell they were from the heart. That actually is one of my favorite wedding memories. No one really said anything after the wedding about liking our vows, but I’m glad the vows were in the ceremony for us.
The last wedding I was at had the greatest way of writing their own vows ever - it was incredibly cute, not mushy, and not too “I love you for all these reasons”.
The couple had been together for almost four years, had moved to Boston and back, had done all kinds of stuff together - so he got up and said essentiall - “together we have been dancers, travelers, jokers, gamblers, chefs, Bostonians, crying-shoulders and hand holders” and then he said “I take you to have and to hold from this day forward in sickness and in health, etc - the rest of the traditional vows and then she recited a similar list of activities they had done - “together we have been sky-divers, treasure hunters, adventure seekers,” etc. and then she did the traditional vows. It seemed like a really good way for an ordinarily not-mushy couple who had a long history together to talk about all the reasons they love each other without really saying it.
I’ve always liked the idea of writing our own vows but it’s not me, really. And my fiance? Yeah, right! I knew better than to ask him because first he would laugh and follow it with a stern, “Heck no!” It’s OK though just as long as I know how he feels.
I would say we’re a lot like you guys and we wrote our own…and the husband was reluctant, let me tell you. I wrote my vows the morning of the wedding after hearing his two days before (just to know how long I should make mine).
Quite honestly, it was easy…I think people think they need to write paragraphs of gorgeous prose (and I’m an English teacher) but our were just, “I promise to love you, let you watch games during football bowl week,” etc.
The bottom line is that the only way you’re going to get personal, is if you open your hearts and write your vows. We’ve gotten so many compliments about our ceremony and how personal and special it was, and I attribute that to our great officiant who took time to get to know us, and to us writing our vows. 
Mrs. Penguin, Sacramento
Age and Occupation: 26, Video & TV Producer/Director/Editor
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Doctor of Physical Therapy
Engagement Date: January 29, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 14, 2007
Venue: Winery in the Gold Country
About Me: I'm a silly mess of a girl who, above all else in this world, LOVES the Spice Girls. I eat sushi at least 3 times a week, and feel guilty about how much it costs the other 4 days a week. I love designer jeans and cheap accessories. I don't like sweets, but I love the UCLA Bruins!
Haha! You and your Mr. sound very much like me and mine.
We talked about doing our own vows, but didn’t want to be to ridiculously mushy since that’s not our style so instead, I think we might just go the traditional route with a couple of slight twists here and there. Indiebride actually has a great vow thread that’s given us some ideas.
Anyway, good luck to you.