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This past couple of weeks have been filled with a lot of drama as our parents’ demands and stubbornness about the wedding have significantly increased. Dealing with traditional Asian parents while planning a wedding is not easy, especially when those parents come from different backgrounds.
I cried. I fought. I stressed. I lost sleep.
Then, the other night, I asked Mr Peony if I was being selfish. He replied, “No you’re not. You’ve already given up your dream wedding because of our parents.”
That last sentence struck me. I always thought of a wedding as more than just the joining of two people - it’s the joining of two families and as a result, a family affair. For this reason, I’ve tried so hard to accommodate both families’ wishes and requests. But after hearing the words spoken from Mr Peony’s mouth, I wondered: at what price?
I have written before about my history of depression. Among the many causes of my depression was my desire to please people. I always put others’ wants and needs before mine and as a result I could never be happy. My wonderful therapist at the time told me an analogy that will stick with me forever: everyone who’s boarded an airplane is familiar with safety instructions. They specifically tell you that even if someone near you needs assistance, you should help yourself first before helping others. After all, what good are you to others if you become unable to help?
She then added: your friends and family, those who truly care about you, will not be happy at your expense. They will not be happy if you’re miserable.
So I’ve decided to start taking charge. I will continue to take suggestions, but ultimately it will be up to Mr Peony and I because it is OUR wedding. I think that every bride has the right to be happy on her wedding day….. and I deserve to be happy too.
hear hear! good for you for coming to this realization, and good luck with sticking to your guns in the face of strong family pressure. i’m glad that you and mr. peony can be united in this!
I couldn’t agree more with you, Miss Peony. Hurray to you for realizing that the wedding is about you and your fiance getting married, not about everyone else’s “perfect wedding”. While I think it’s great that you want to make sure both sides of the family are happy, it’s equally important that you and your finace are happy too!
Good for you Ms. Peony! You should not have to sacrifice your dreams and it’s great that your fiance is on your side. I look forward to hearing more about how you balance these things (I’m running into some of the same problems).
That’s the right attitude, Miss Peony!! I think this post should inspire a lot of us!
Good for you and Mr. Peony! You only get to have your wedding once–make sure YOU enjoy it and that it’s everything you want it to be!
I am happy for you Miss Peony. Let us know how everything unfolds (if you’re comfortable with it, of course). You’d think loved ones wouldn’t want things their way at the expense of your own happiness, but I can say from experience that I understand it happens, especially in most Asian families (I’m Chinese! I’m not engaged, but I am highly considering not getting married to avoid these family conflicts haha). And if there is more/continued drama, just remember that at the end of the day, you are lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive FH. Good luck!
Good for you trying to achieve a balance. You have a great attitude about including those closes to you, but still wanting to make sure that you enjoy your wedding. Stay strong!
I was there, Miss Peony, even though my in-laws let us do whatever we wanted and my parents weren’t even as horrible or as traditional as most of my friends’ parents, there were some bloody battles that were fought during our wedding planning. And I had to please everyone too.
One of my best friends is going through that right now and it is so heartbreaking for him. Basically, they must have the wedding the way the bride’s dad wants it or nothing at all, and my friend and his fiancee are the ones paying.
Don’t fight about everything, pick what is (are) the most important to you and your FI then completely put your foot down. Sometimes, you just never know how parents would react if they know how important those things are to you.
For the accommodations that you’re willing to live with, make sure that the parents know that you are going out of your way to accommodate to them (even if it’s true or not). Guilt trips work both ways, good luck and hang in there!!
Hooray for you! I can relate to how demanding the cultural differences can be. My family is Filipino-American and my fiance’s is Filipino-Chamorro. My grandfather came to America through the service so he was gone most of my mother’s childhood. As such, she is not connected with her Filipino heritage and consequently, neither am I. My fiance, on the other hand, is very connected with both his cultures. Until we began discussing marriage, I did not realize how much this would become an issue with our families. We have learned to say no. We have learned to bend. I think that ultimately it will turn out to be reflective of US, while being respectful of both of our cultures. I am so very happy to hear that you are trying to find that fine balance as well!
Oh, Miss Peony. Damn straight you deserve to be happy. Huzzah! for coming to that realization and what a sweet man Mr. Peony is!
miss peony! i toooottallyy can relate to you. i had a huge breakdown a few weeks ago because i felt the demands from the in-laws were just too much- one family’s side always felt like the other side was unreasonable and selfish. i was riding on a continuous see-saw, never finding a balance between the two! by the grace of god, i dont know how, but our families eventually agreed on the order of our ceremonies (multi cultural wedding means too many traditions that have to be included) - which gives me a lot of peace.
i’m glad you realize how important your happiness is in this wedding (since i struggle with that too). i hope that god gives you peace with the decisions you make and that its OKAY to not please everybody.
i agree wholeheartedly. It is your wedding so do whats right for the both of you. During our wedding planning, we realized we were trying to please everyone but ourselves. You’re realizing this now so thats great!
Miss Peony,
I can totally understand what you’re going through. You cannot please everyone. You and Mr. Peony are the host of the celebration so you get to run the show. I’ve been bugging my close married friends for advice for our wedding planning because I know they’ve been through rough times also (their engagement broke off for a while, but eventually worked out). Their advise is, it’s your wedding, everything will work out in the end, and it’s easy for others to spend your money so don’t fall for it. So keeping that in mind, whenever problems come up, just be positive. And I guess compromise if you must, but don’t give up your happiness for the sake of others. You want good memories from your wedding day and not recount/regret what you should’ve done instead. People may critique everyone’s wedding, but after a few days or so, it’s old news. People move on.
Gosh, I’ve been married 25 years, and you just took me back to the beginning…..I had to please a new husband and a demanding mother, and was having a hard time. I finally had to have a serious talk with both of them. What was happening was mom wanted us to go -go- go every week, out to eat, visit them, etc… and we enjoyed staying home. Thus my husband would “be late” for the get together. I hated being late, and hated all the extra running, so I finally told both of them, look, mom, we won’t be coming every time you call, and husband, for the things we do agree to go to, we will be on time…luckily they both realized how pulling on me they were, and it worked out. I hope you find peace and compromise in your life, and yes, I agree with the phrase…look out for number 1!!!! You are doing great to realize this now.
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Mrs. Peony, New York Age and Occupation: 27, Marketing Coordinator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, QA Engineer Engagement Date: June 28, 2007 Wedding Date: April 18, 2008 Venue: The Fountainhead Blogging Since: August 7, 2007 About Me: Both Mr. Peony and I are huge computer nerds, and our conversations usually consist of the latest gadgets, programming languages, and video games. At the same time, I can also be very girly with an obsession with handbags, makeup, and high heels. And art! I've studied studio art extensively, almost majored in art history, and freelance as a web and graphics designer. Mr. Peony and I are having a ball of a time planning a wedding for 250(!) guests, doing our best to infuse our personalities (geeky chic) with the wishes of our very traditional Asian parents.
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