A Traditional Wife
December 3rd, 2007 @ 2:50 pm by Mrs. Jasmine
Growing up, I always spent Thanksgiving and Christmas in the kitchen with the other female relatives in my family. We gossiped and laughed over pots and pans on the stove and roasts and pies in the bake. The male relatives were crowded around the television, watching football. After dinner, the women retreated to the kitchen, where many dishes would be washed and leftovers stored. The men, on the other hand, would go back to the television, for more football and relaxation. I never questioned the fact that holidays meant days of preparation, cooking, and cleaning for women– it seemed that it was always done that way. But does that make it right?
In a really interesting article in the Washington Post, Jill Hudson Neale argues that this sort of gender divide is actually what makes the holidays so great:
“Thanksgiving is one day when it’s okay to be traditional,” says Jill Stewart, 37, a married mother of two who is an elementary school teacher in Reston, VA. “The women are actually getting a lot from the experience of being together without the guys. We’re cooking and laughing and talking about life’s ups and downs. We let our hair down — it’s a very comfortable place.”
Neale also argues that it’s better to keep men out of the kitchen, if only to save everyone from a culinary disaster:
“But the truth is, you can’t really have the men help you do anything because they just get in the way,” says [Julia] Mateu, a hairdresser, with laugh. “So you can’t fix the gender inequality issue because the dinner will just be a mess. We [women] complain because we have to do everything ourselves, but we don’t really want the help anyway.
Luckily for me, Mr. Jasmine is a great cook who relishes being in the kitchen almost as much as he enjoys watching football. I hope our future holidays together are about a shared celebration rather than divided gender roles. However, that’s not to say that I haven’t always really enjoyed the lively, festive female companionship and fun of being in the kitchen with my aunts and female cousins.
What do you think? Is it better to encourage female camaraderie and tradition in the kitchen? Or do we only encourage gender divides by keeping men out?
image courtesy of jupiter images
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19 Responses to “A Traditional Wife”
I think it depends on the people in the kitchen. If a man is good at cooking, let him help out. The food will get done faster . But if he’s not good in the kitchen, then keep him out while you try to get dinner cooked up and served.
This year, it was just the two of us for Thanksgiving, and I cooked everything by myself all day. My DH is a good cook, but he does get in my way (in the small kitchen), and I planned the whole meal out myself. If he had been home all day, then I probably would have had him help me out, but since he was at work, I figured that cooking our dinner by myself was no big deal.
I believe in incorporating your husband into kitchen life no matter how terrible of a cook he may be. And I don’t mean allowing him to wash the dishes after you cook. I learned an important lesson from a friend’s father years ago. Her mother, sadly, passed away while my friend and her little brother were less than ten. Their mother was always a homemaker. When she passed away, their father was overwhelmed, he didn’t even know how to feed them. Luckily, friends and family pitched in, but it still wasn’t easy on him. It took him years just to figure out how to put a simple home cooked meal on the table. I’ve been involved with my fiance for 4 years and very close to day 1 I started to teach him how to cook. When we first started dating he could burn water. He couldn’t even heat pre made spaghetti sauce on the stove. Today, 4 hard years later, he can whip up a mean fettuccine alfredo.
Julia Mateu’s comment made me vomit in my mouth a little bit.
My fiance love cooking, and really couldn’t care less about football (basketball is a different matter). On Thanksgiving, I was finishing up the turkey and sides in the kitchen while he manned the gravy. My sister was setting the table because she’s useless in the kitchen. We have a routine, it works, and it doesn’t always follow “traditional” gender lines. When my mom’s friends showed up they giggled that FI was in the kitchen while the other boys were all playing wii, but his gravy was unanimously voted tastiest dish at the table. Who’s laughing now? 
I think it’s important for women to have female-only spaces where they can bond across generations and what not, and that ususally ends up being the kitchen.
However, let the best cooks cook is what I say! My grandma and mom are domestically challenged so my grandpa usually does most of the cooking (turkey, noodles, taters, the whole lot).
I like to cook so this year the two of us (me and my grandpa) prepared thanksgiving while everyone else relaxed. I didn’t see it as a hassle - I thought it was a very memorable experience.
I agree with you Beckums. The men don’t have to send us back to the kitchen, we’ll do it ourselves!
That reminds me of this segment on NPR:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16452593
“A Nigerian-American woman recalls how Thanksgiving has changed in her family over the years, and how her male and female relatives have gradually changed with it.”
I enjoy cooking and FI’s a terrible cook. I do get a little lonely cooking by myself so he turns up the stereo and comes and dances in the kitchen while I cook. I makes me laugh and not feel so isolated!
We really had the best Thanksgivings a couple of years ago when everyone who had interest cooked and everyone else hung out chatting, drinking and snacking, and moving around (huge family - 25+, but huge kitchen which opened to the family room).
Before that the ladies were in the kitchen and the men doing the TV thing. Quite frankly, most of the guys were bored. And us ladies were happy to add menfolk to the conversation.
Now everyone cooks at their own house and brings it all to one house. That’s okay, but I preferred hanging out with everyone all day instead of just at dinner.
I think life will be much better when people stop assuming men are idiots. Not smart enough to cook. Not smart enough to make interesting conversation. Its actually really insulting to them.
Not quite sure where women cooking and men watching football = assuming men are idiots and can’t cook or carry on intelligent conversation
I was referring to the general feeling of the article:
“We’re cooking and laughing and talking about life’s ups and downs” seems to be saying that its a good thing that the men aren’t there, otherwise the conversation wouldn’t be so good. Assuming that you aren’t talking about sex with your grandmother, I’m not sure what conversation is going on that would be hurt by male presence, the statement certainly implies it would be.
“But the truth is, you can’t really have the men help you do anything because they just get in the way,” says [Julia] Mateu, a hairdresser, with laugh. “So you can’t fix the gender inequality issue because the dinner will just be a mess.” I interpret this as men are too stupid to be able to cook.
I’m with Beckums…ugh.
Both sides pitch in for the holidays in my (deep southern) family. Now, sometimes that means the guys are outside taking care of the turkey (smoked or fried) or running errands to make sure everything is purchased or picked up, but they’re still working together to get things done. I reject the idea that men are stupid and ruin everything food-related.
We have no gender divide. Pretty much all the adults cook and the children/younger folks sit around and talk. My family is in the restaurant industry and food is a big deal. All the men know how to cook. I love to cook and love teaching my fiance. I plan on cooking with my children because cooking is a gift that keeps on giving:)
(I really didn’t mean to start anything! I think she said it in ‘grey’ and you said it in ‘black and white’ - which made it sound much worse!)
Yeah - I just shrugged at Julia’s comment. I have a feeling she was just referring to her household - not that she was condemning the whole male species. I agree it’s a very silly close minded statement! I’m sure there are some men out there that really don’t belong in the kitchen though. Yes everyone can learn - but some don’t want to. My dad could make a bowl of cereal, heat up leftovers, and maybe scramble an egg He was a genius - seriously the smartest most capable person I know - but he’d rather be watching football.
I purposely bought a house where the kitchen and living room are open to each other. This way whoever is in the kitchen can still be part of the fun with who’s in the living room. Be it conversation or watching the game! As long as everyone else is happy - I’m happy.
I personally need to work on my control issues before we have a big happy family in the kitchen cooking together! In theory it is wonderful - but currently no one (husband and old roomies included) likes to cook with me. If I had a dollar for every time my husband told me “There’s more than one way to skin a cat!” - we could retire! My mom and I cook great together - but I think that’s because we do everything the same way!
(none of the below comments are meant to be offensive - so don’t take offense!)
As far as being a traditional wife - I will admit that I take after my mom - who spoiled my dad! I enjoy doing things for my husband. I plan the meals, I do the shopping, I handle the laundry, I manage the money etc. He does help with cleaning - but I’m usually the one cleaning the bathrooms. I enjoy doing them all, but it does get overwhelming. I know I do it because in my mind - that’s what a wife does. (Not to be anti-feminist, but it’s just the way I grew up - my mom also didn’t really work which I think makes a difference) So in our first 7 months of marriage I have totally spoiled my husband. Not that he does nothing - he does a ton of work in the yard, works a mean vacuum, and does dishes. It’s also not that he’s lazy - I just kinda did things - and he was like - OK.
I realized life couldn’t be like this forever. I’ve started to let go and give him some of the responsibilities - like planning dinner a couple nights a week and doing all the grocery shopping. It’s going well - and I think just part of the adjustment of being marriage and figuring things out
My fiance is a better cook than me! However, I’m definitely getting a lot better. When we’re at home, we both cook and we both clean. However, when at my parents or grandparents for the holidays, there’s definitely a gender divide. Only the women do anything in the kitchen! It drives me crazy but I don’t bother saying anything about it because it’s just the way it’s always been and my grandmothers aren’t going to change their ways at this point. The men’s only responsibility is carving the turkey.
So I guess in our home we’ll do what we want, but abide by the traditions with our family.
Ok, I am really, really glad that my family isn’t like this. I love watching football all afternoon on Thanksgiving. The good cooks are the ones making various foods, regardless of gender. Luckily, I’m a lousy cook so that means more NFL action for me!
My boyfriend cooks, but when he goes home to his mom’s house for Thanksgiving, he hangs out with his dad and watches football and plays computer games while his mom and sister put together dinner. This year, after I constantly nagged him to pitch in and help his mom, he finally made a dish, after much protestations of “she says she doesn’t need help” and “I set the table”.
My fonder Thanksgiving memories are of my dad and I in the kitchen on Thanksgiving trying to get dinner together. My mom makes a great sous chef, and helps keep any nasty turkey fat spills from creating a holiday health disaster, but its usually mostly my dad and me, figuring out how to share the oven and the countertop and running in and out of the living room to check the scores of the football game.
I get annoyed when my friends are like, “my wife makes the dinner and I’ll be in the basement watching football”. Especially when its just two of them. That seems really lonely for both parties.
In my home Thanksgiving was always considered a FAMILY holiday. Where the ENTIRE family pitched in. My dad loves to cook so he’s usually in charge, with the rest of the kids peeling, chopping, roasting, etc. When we were too young to wield knives in the kitchen, my mother had us lay out the table, polish the silver, and arrange crudités on a platter.
At the very least everyone should help with clean-up… Which is fun when you make an assembly line, or have dish drying races. 
Mrs. Jasmine, Chicago/LA
Age and Occupation: 25, Attorney
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Attorney
Engagement Date: March 24, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 20, 2007
Venue: Hotel on the westside of Los Angeles
About Me: I'm a happy-go-lucky, imaginative spirit trapped in the body of a lawyer. I love reading, shopping, dining out, and exploring my beloved adopted city of Chicago with my fiance. We're planning the wedding of our dreams in my hometown of Los Angeles and we're excited to incorporate our cherished Indian/Pakistani customs and traditions.
Mr. M is definitely all about the kitchen. We love cooking together (I call him my sous chef, though he doesn’t agree)! I envision our holidays will definitely be about cooking together, though we’ll probably go along with either family’s tradition if we’re at their houses. At my house, my brother (the sole male) always helps out with the kitchen during the holidays, though definitely in a sous chef role (grate cheese, wash dishes, etc). It’s kind of similar in Mr. M’s house, though he one of three guys. Even though everyone may not help cook, in my house everyone helps to clean!