The Name Game
December 4th, 2007 @ 11:27 am by Ms. Dahlia
This New York Times article about name changes caught my eye, since it discusses the various combinations that individuals can do with their names. One couple interviewed for the article had an inter-family softball match to determine which last name! While I wouldn’t want to leave such an important decision up to a ballgame, it is a pretty original way to resolve the (potential) issue.
Growing up, I always thought that I would assume the name of my (future) husband. While I liked my last name, it was one of those that are deceptively difficult to pronounce. One of my least favorite things in high school was the first day of school, where I would inevitably have at least 5 teachers mispronounce my name.
In college, however, things began to change. I became excited about my work, and presented some of my research at a professional conference. When Mr. Dahlia and I started dating, it was a given that I would keep my last name. We tossed around the idea of somehow combining last names, or each taking the others’ last as a second middle name (we still might do this, but for me it would be a second middle name, since my current middle name has a strong family history), but we knew that we would each be keeping our own names. For me, this doesn’t so much hark back to the women as property days, but is a large part of who I am. I’m published under my own name. I’ve presented my work under my name. And I don’t really want to change it.
The one thing that I am struggling with, however, is how to make sure that people know after we are married that I did not change my name. I’m not too concerned about my colleagues; in my department, it is far more unusual to change your name than it is to keep it. It’s more the relatives and parents’ friends that I am concerned about.
If you kept your name (or plan to), how did you let people know? Did you correct them, or just let it slide?
Related Posts
17 Responses to “The Name Game”
I just got married this past October and am keeping my maiden name, for majority of the same reasons that you mentioned above. After the ceremony we were announced as Mr. and Mrs. Matthew X (my husbands last name).
On cards and letters that I’ve gotten some has been addressed as Mary NewLastName, and other’s as Mary MaidenName. I usually just correct people or let it slide, but majority of family and friends know that I am still using my maiden name. Some people have really questioned it and almost have taken offense to the fact that I didn’t want to take my husband’s last name. But he is comfortable with it and so am I, and I think that is all that really matters. =)
In the etiquette guide, it says to send out a card after the wedding. The wording is formal, and it says that your names will be “this”. You can also attach your address if you’ve recenly moved.
Or put this info on the thank you card. Sign both your names in full. “YourFirstName YourLast and HisFirstName and HisLast”.
The parents can also circulate this prior to the wedding. Normally the name question comes up, so it’s a good way of spreading the word before hand.
And one more…having yourself announced after the ceremony as Mr. HisFullName and Mrs. YourFullName or Mr and Mrs. HisFullName and YourFullName . I say go with whichever makes you most comfortable.
I’m changing my name (for a lot of different reasons) but seriously considered keeping mine. If it were me, I’d have the officiant say, “It is my great pleasure to introduce you for the first time as a MARRIED COUPLE, Mr. first name, last name and Ms. First name Last name.” That way it establishes you two as a married couple but you still retain your names. It also lets people know that you are NOT changing you name.
As far as other ways to let people know you’re not changing your name… the “At Home After” tradition seems to be a good place to hint at it. You can place a note at the end of the program stating that you will be at home after xx date and then list your names and address the way you would like mail addressed to you. For instance:
Ms. first name, last name and Mr. first name, last name
addresss
city, state zip
Good luck every one, and I’m so glad to see so much discussion supporting both sides of the name change issue!
I like the At Home idea. You could also put something in the program.
I agree with the poster who mentioned having your parents and bridal party spread the word. That way you hopefully won’t wind up with monogrammed things with the wrong intials!
My current plan is to be known as Dr. Maidenname but Mrs. Husband’s name. The social name change is important to my FI, but, like the author, I feel that I have a professional connection to my maiden name. Business cards would have my maiden name, but I think I’d be comfortable being addressed by either. That’s my hope anyway. We’ll see how well this works in practice.
Reesey - you could just announce your first names: “Ladies and gentlemen, Jane and John, husband and wife!!”
I address (informal) cards to couples as the “Smith-Jones Family”. So maybe blitz people with cards in the first year with the different last names. They’ll get the hint. People sometimes assume I didn’t change my last name. It’s not offensive.
You are so lucky that your fiance has no problem with you not changing your name. My fiance is adamantly against it, but in science, women tend to not change their last name, and I have no desire to do so. Out of all the married women in my department (27), only ONE took her husband’s last name. A few have hyphenated, and the rest maintained their maiden name. I am willing to hyphenate, but that isn’t good enough for my fiance. He keeps going on and on about how people won’t know we’re married and how it will impact our children because people won’t know I’m their mother. I say in this day and age, it’s so common to not change your name that it won’t be a big deal, and if someone else has a problem with it, what the heck do I care? They can mind their own business!
I’m really stuck with what to do. I’ve offered to go as Dr. MyLastName professionally, and not care if people call me Mrs. HisLastName, and I’ve offered to hyphenate. I suggested perhaps we BOTH hyphenate our last names so there is no child confusion, and he said I was crazy and that men just don’t change their last names.
Besides the obvious that he is being a chauvinistic pig about this, anyone have any suggestions? I really don’t want to change my name professionally — I have publications out, plus, my name is very easy to pronounce/spell, whereas his last name should be easy but people always seem to add an extra T and pronounce it as such. I don’t want to change my name and spend the next 60 years snapping at everyone who mispronounces it, because the mispronunciation is kind of derogatory!
Among my friends it’s pretty much 50-50, and the older they were when they got married the less likely it is that they changed. In fact, I have two friends who got married this year, both in their 30s, and both say they “intend to” change their names, but somehow neither has actually done so yet. I’ll keep calling them by their maiden names until they correct me otherwise.
I don’t intend to change my name, and I don’t actually anticipate any problems. So many people have asked me if I’m going to that I think the word is pretty well spread. We’ll have “at home” cards at the wedding with the full names. At the end of the ceremony, I think we’ll just do the “Jane and John, husband and wife!”
julieulie, that’s such a tough place to be!
My personal viewpoint is that it is your name, and he does not have naming rights- but I know that isn’t very practical advice given your situation.
Would you change it officially, but still go by your maiden name professionally? That seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise, especially if he works in a different field.
Another option (although I must confess I don’t like it as much, since it seems like you are compromising too much) would be to either take his name as a second last name (not hyphenated), or take his as a last name, and move yours to the middle. You could then go professionally as “Dr. YourLast HisLast” professionally, which would make your publication record evident. That doesn’t solve the problem, though, of the things you don’t like about his last name.
I would also point him in the direction of articles that suggest that men do change their last names, as well as articles that suggest that people do not have a problem identifying mothers who have different last names from their children.
And perhaps you could negotiate for naming rights of any kids you might have 
Our officiant said, “Let me present to you for the first time as a married couple… Kathy and Mark.”
I did have us introduced as Dr. & Mrs. HisFirst Name HisLastName when we entered the reception though. I thought it would be weird not to. Some accounts say I’m still Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName even if I’m Ms. MyLastName
Julieulie-
I think it’s awful of your fiance to continue to pressure you to take his last name (which, by the way, doesn’t sound like it’s a great name anyway). A compromise should be enough - isn’t compromise the whole point of marriage?!
There are other ways to tell that a couple is married than last names. And if people don’t know right away, so what?
Also, you can tell him that men do change their last names. At my future sister-in law’s wedding, they were announced as “Dr. and Mr. HerLastName”. Ha!
For those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother, on the wedding episode, they said, “For the first time as a married couple, Lilly Aldrin and Marshall Erickson”.
I personally would be confused if I attended a wedding where the couple was announced as one thing, then went by another.
julieulie, I recommend checking out IndieBride for some great resources on name change options.
My fiance and I both want to change our last name to something completely different. I’m sure that some of our family will not understand this choice but it’s our life. Neither of us particularly like either of our last names and personally, I really like the idea of having the same name, symbolizing a family. We have a #1 choice that we like and we’ve just not thought of many other alternatives so we may already have the name. I don’t really want to say what the name is but it makes sense the way we picked it. It’s not a common name but it’s something we have in common.
I think that I want things to be equal–I’m not at all tied to traditional gender ideas for things. So for example, if my fiance had a name he did not like but he liked my name, why not take my name? I’m certainly not opposed to the woman taking the man’s name or keeping her own name. I think they’re all open as options to choose from! I know I would be unhappy being called “Mr. and Mrs. FianceName LastName” instead of my own name. I am not Mrs. Fiance. Or Ms. Yiska. Hehe.
I kept my maiden name also. Not really for professional reasons but just because I like my last name and also the thought of being known as one name for more than 30 years and then all of a sudden not be that anymore was something I wasn’t ready for. My husband isn’t crazy about it but respects it. I don’t mind if socially, people call me Mrs. Wong (husband’s last name) at all. It doesn’t bother me and I’ll respond to it. At work, I simply use my maiden name.
At the wedding the officiant announced us as the newly married couple, my first name and his first name.
[...] I’ve blogged before about how I’m not changing my name - and this decision is one that Mr. Dahlia 100% completely supports.(What I have not blogged [...]
Ms. Dahlia, Detroit/Cleveland
Age and Occupation: 24, PhD Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, IT System Administrator
Engagement Date: December 31, 2006
Wedding Date: May 2008
Blogging Since: September 19, 2007
Venue: United Methodist Cathedral & historic downtown hotel in Cleveland
About Me: I enjoy cooking, dancing and swimming. I am a geek and apply game theory to my everyday life. Winter is my favorite time of year, especially when spent curled up with good coffee and a book by Madeleine L'Engle.
Also, another question…you know at the end of the ceremony or the beginning of the reception when the new married couple is announced/presented…how do you do that for the married couple who don’t have the same last names?
“…and now I’m proud to present to you Mr. and Mrs….”
What would the above statement be? I’m planning to keep my last name as well.