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When I was ten years old, the unthinkable happened: my parents got divorced. Divorce is one of those things that a kid never imagines can happen to their parents, and, for me personally, it pretty much came out of nowhere and I was shocked. Granted, I was ten, so my “shock” came out more like stubborn tears and awkwardness in school when I had to tell my friends. But nonetheless, it was completely unexpected and felt surreal.
Since then, I have come to realize that we are all better off since the divorce. My dad is remarried, my mom has an amazing man in her life, and my brother and I were lucky enough to have two parents who stayed civil with one another for our sake and never, ever fought in front of us. We are all who we are today as a result of that decision; now it is hard to imagine that my parents were ever married to each other because they have grown to be very different people, but I think that proves that they weren’t meant to stay together. It is strange that I really don’t remember what it was like to have parents who were married, aside from a few very vague memories from my childhood.
Now that I’m engaged and starting to plan a wedding and, more importantly, a future with Mr. Cupcake, I have to admit that I get a little scared sometimes. Not only did my parents get divorced, but pretty much every aunt and uncle in my family also got divorced. I come from not only a broken home, but a broken extended family! On the contrary, Mr. Cupcake comes from a (very large) extended family where all of the married couples have stayed married; divorce doesn’t even seem to be an option in their minds. I obviously think that is wonderful and I admire that, but it makes me wonder how so many marriages in one family — my family — could have failed. I can’t help but wonder: is divorce in our genes??
I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, as I hope that divorce is never something I will have to deal with. But no one really expects it, do they? No one says, “I think I’ll give this marriage a good 5 or 6 years and then move on.”
Mr. Cupcake and I have been together for over four years and we have learned how to deal with conflict in a mostly adult way (I said mostly 
). But sometimes I feel like I’m kind of learning as I go, whereas maybe he has had better married role models. I am going to put everything I have into making sure this one keeps, and I hope that someday we can be role models for our own kids when it comes to making a marriage work.
How have divorces of the people in your life affected your own views on marriage?
hi miss cupcake,
I have a similar situation.
My parents have been divorced since i was 12, and i could not imagine them together.
i grew up mostly with my mum and aunties, but learnt quickly how to be indipendent. so I often don’t feel comfortable with my in laws as they are THE perfect family, they love each other a lot and that is wonderful, but they also put some pressure on me. they are very protective with my Fi and his brother, they are used to do everything together and can’t undestand my need for privacy and to do things on my own, that i think is the result of how I grew up… wow. anyway i’m so in love with my fi that i just felt the need to have a family with him… let’s hope i don’t have that divorce gene as well!
Here is a piece of advice given to me on the topic of divorce:
“Never ever bring up the possibility of divorce in an arguement because then you may feel obligated to continue through with it”
I’ll agree with you that most people don’t enter into marriage with the thought of divorce. However, I have seen way too many people think they can change their partner once they are married or once they have a baby, and it never works out!
My parents divorced (it was a good thing though) when I was 10. Still, I didn’t think I was ever going to marry because I didn’t like what I saw in other married couples around me….the one’s that stuck together “for the sake of the kids” or because they were too “comfortable” to actually leave the relationship. I thought if this was marriage, I’m staying away from that like it was something you could catch. 
Of course that thinking can go straight out the window when you meet a the guy for you. Both of our parents divorced and remarried, so while it didn’t make us think divorce was going to happen to us, it did make us think every part of the relationship through thoroughly….we knew what we didn’t want out of a relationship.
I have the same anxiety that you do, Miss Cupcake! My parents divorced when I was very young, and I was afraid of it myself, so I bought a book called “1,001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married” to try to get us both talking about potential issues in the marriage. (You can get it on Amazon.) So far, it has been really enlightening… Hopefully, we will deal with many of the big issues before we get married!
Miss Cupcake, I totally know how you feel. Throughout our engagement I always had those little whispers of fear in the back of my mind. I come from another broken home (although not nearly as peaceful as yours!), and I was always thinking, well, my parents didn’t get together thinking there was always a way out- but it still didn’t work!
When I’d bring that up to Mr. K, he’d say that while he’s not saying we’re different, because we’re NOT, we’re still going to get married because there isn’t a day that we can’t imagine being with that person. As long as we work for it, we’ll be okay, because once you start thinking the marriage isn’t worth working at, that’s when it starts to fall apart.
I ramble. Anyway, I totally get you.
I think your personality has more to do with your likelihood of getting divorced than your ancestry does. In my opinion, decision making skills, security issues, and goals in life all factor in tremendously. My parents were divorced when I was 9. And even my grandparents on BOTH sides were divorced- (top that)! However, I feel strongly that it is not in the genes and that my hubby and I will live happily ever after… so as long as we work at being honest, respectful, and generous with each other for our whole lives. And that we realize that happily ever after means that every moment won’t be happy but in the end it will all be worth it. Admittedly, I have had those thoughts of ‘are we predestined to get divorced if we come from a long line of divorced people?’. Hopefully this is not so!
I am in a similar situation. My parents have both been married and divorced twice. My uncle, aunt(2 or three times), grandparents (2 times) have all been married and divorced. My Fiancé’s parents have divorced, but those are the only ones I know of on his side of the family. Based on the statistics we have a 150% chance of divorcing. We have been together nine years. Though I am scared we are prone to getting divorced, I am not going to let it stop me. I love him more than anything and can’t imagine not being with him. I pray that we are able to work out every (or most) fights and stay together.
My parents divorced when I was 15 years old and it was very hard on me. Everyone thought we had the perfect family because my parents were so involved with all of the activities that me and my sister participated in. When they divorced, I was scared to tell anyone because I didn’t want to talk about it. Denial at its best. Fortunately for me and my sister, my parents remain the best of friends. We do all things together as a family. My mom and dad hang out a lot and live a mile from each other. My dad got remarried once but that didn’t work out. They are there for each other and us. FI’s parents have been married 27 years and like Miss Cupcake, his aunts and uncles, cousins are ALL married. I dont think there is one divorce in his family.
I too feel scared about things not working out and have any old issues I might have with my parents marriage not lasting come up out of nowhere but I think I have learned what NOT to do through their relationship. I think it helps that we have that strong emotional support from all of our family members.
My parents stayed married, but my dad had been married before. They didn’t have kids so it really wasn’t a reality if that makes sense. There was nothing in our life that represented his previous marriage (except maybe some furniture my mom referred to as BJ (before Jeanie)) So even though there was divorce in my immediate family (I guess) I wasn’t effected by it at all. As far as extended family it’s a mix. Both my maternal grandparents have been married three times - I only knew the final winners though
On the contrary my husbands parents divorced when he was in junior high. His dad is pretty much a selfish a$$ and the whole situation has had an huge effect on him. A - Divorce isn’t even on the radar, not an option B - His dad has taught him exactly how NOT to be a father.
Thank goodness his Mom remarried a wonderful man when my husband was around 20 and his step-father has been influential in his life. Really I think my husband did all his growing up between 20-30 - thanks to his step-dad!
I say take advantage of all the couples you know who have a loving marriage you respect. Ask them to mentor you guys and be folks you can turn to for questions through the ups and downs of marriage. Even though they are still married and it seems like the perfect relationship - I’m sure they’ve had their struggles and they’d be happy to share with you how they weathered them. Even the best of marriages takes work!
Being a little scared isn’t a bad thing. It just shows you understand the realities - which is a good thing - cause you can work to avoid them!
I am so glad you’re bringing this up! Ever since I started planning my wedding, I found out that my best friend’s marriage of 1 year was over. It has been a very sobering part of my wedding planning experience, and has brought my fi and I to discuss the realities and the fantasies of marriage, because the reality is: MOST MARRIAGES (of the people we know) have ended in divorce.
I think it’s so important that divorce be recognized as a reality in our culture instead of just ignoring it as we plan our weddings.
Be SURE this marriage (not just the wedding) is exactly what you want before you say I DO.
On the other hand, my parents were both products of unhappy/broken homes, and they have been married for 37 happy years and counting. They knew what kind of home life they didn’t want, and have achieved a wonderful life together.
My parents are together but had been divorced before. Many aunts and uncles and grandparents are also divorcees. FH’s parents had a bitter divorce and still hate each other after 10 years (which makes wedding-planning fun!).
I, too, am frightened of divorce, but we’re both really dedicated to this relationship. I’m also not afraid to ask for help. I look forward to our pre-marriage counseling and doing marriage “continuing education” afterwards. I’m currently reading a few books about marriage. What I’ve seen so frequently is people who just give up in their marriage.
Best of luck to you!
my parents have been married 35 years. it was the second marriage for both. they also got married in their early 30’s to one another.
i heard this on john tesh’s radio show and i think it something good to consider pre-marriage and even after. the first one seems the stand out in my mind.
How do people stay married for 40, 50 and 60 years? It turns out, they know a few things the rest of us don’t.
Authors Matthew Boggs and Jason Miller interviewed hundreds of couples who’ve been married more than 40 years, people they call “Marriage Masters.” Here are their five secrets for a long and happy marriage, courtesy of the book Project Everlasting:
Commitment is king. Couples who stay married a lifetime walk down the aisle knowing that divorce is not an option. So when arguments, disagreements and other issues come up, they don’t run, they work them out. The only deal breakers are the three A’s: addiction, adultery and abuse.
There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, only perfect moments. It takes work to create a great relationship. As one husband of 52 years said: “Marriage is a bed of roses - thorns and all.”
Don’t be afraid to fight. It’s NOT speaking your mind that’s the problem. The things that eat away at your marriage are the unexpressed frustrations that turn into resentments. So, unpack your gunnysack of unresolved issues and open the lines of communication. Remember, the only way to get past a problem is to face it.
Love is spelled GIVE. In other words: Be selfless. Marriage is not 50/50. It’s 60/40 and you BOTH have to give 60 and take 40 to make it last.
You can have respect without love, but you CAN’T have love without respect. According to all the couples interviewed for the book, the #1 secret for a healthy, happy, everlasting marriage is respect. When you respect your partner and your partner respects you, everything else follows: trust, connection, authenticity and love.
Oh, and I meant “Be sure this marriage (not just the wedding) is exactly what you want before you say I DO” to ALL brides, not specifically to you, Miss Cupcake.
I think pre-marital counseling will help. It helps you look at how to deal with conflict and communciating in effective ways. I know how you feel, though, because both of our parents are divorced (and mine have been divorced since then). One way to look at it, is by talking to your parents about what they did wrong in their relationships. It would be hard to bring up past feelings, but the information could prove vital to your own.
~Ash
Neither my parents nor my FI’s parents are divorced, but both sets of parents have not always had the best relationship. My parents, in particular, often seemed like they hated each other, but they stayed together because “divorce was not an option” and “for the sake of the kids.” It’s hooey. In my teens I hated them both for using me as the excuse for staying together and making each other miserable. All through my twenties I swore I would never let anyone have that kind of influence on my life. Better to be alone than have someone tearing at you all the time, whom you can’t get away from because they live with you. There is a reason why my fiance and I are getting married for the frist time at the advanced ages of 38 and 44, and why all of our siblings did not get married until their 40s. I think the idea that children of divorce are worse off than children of whole marriages misses the point entirely. It’s not the divorce or the staying married: it’s the quality of the relationship, regardless of whether the parents are together or not.
What changed my mind was seeing the very functional and successful marriages of my friends, many of whom have been married ten or fifteen years at this point. Some are the products of divorced parents, others are not, but for the most part my friends have formed healthy, happy relationships with good communication and supportive partnerships. It showed me it can be done. It showed me that you create your own reality and your own relationship, you don’t just inherit your parents’ ways of doing things.
My parents, still married, have a better relationship now, and they’re thrilled I am marrying my FI. But both of them, on more than one occasion, have said to me, “We love him, he’s great, but if it turns bad, get out sooner rather than later.”
From my own personal experience with my family and friends, I’ve found that the length of time you are married before children plays a huge role in divorce. Like I said, this is just MY experience and I am sure there are hundreds who have seen the opposite, but what I have seen has shaped my opinions…
Nobody in my family is divorced, and everyone waited several years after marriage to have children. Of my friends, those whose parents waited before having children, are all still married. Meanwhile, my friends parents’ who had children immediately ALL wound up divorced shortly after the youngest went off to college. My parents always explained it that if you are married for several years beforehand, you truly develop a marriage based on the two of you alone, whereas if you have children right away, your entire married life focuses on the children. When they move away, it’s like the biggest commonality between you no longer exists. When I went off to college, my parents picked up their married life right where they left it.
Because of what I’ve witnessed, I’ve always known that I would want to be married at least 5 years before having children, and I don’t want children until I’m in my 30s anyway, so it works out well.
My parents divorced when I was about 3, so I don’t even remember of the two of them together. Their issues were mostly due to age — Mom was 19 when they got married — and its combination of not being mature enough to work through problems and a “fine but maybe not the best” choice of partner. They both remarried a few years later.
In a twisted way, though, my parents’ experience has made me more open to getting married in the first place. My pre-Mr-T relationship ended because the guy just couldn’t handle getting married. He saw divorce as an impossibility (influence of his VERY conservative 70-something Korean parents), and marriage looks a lot scarier if it’s completely irreversible.
While I believe in taking marriage’s commitments seriously and choosing your partner wisely, it helps me to believe that “You do your best and try to make it work. But if it doesn’t work, there are options beyond a miserable life together. And as painful as divorce is, there can also be a happy life beyond….”
I totally agree with you! I’m scared too - my parents didn’t divorce, but my brother and I always wanted them to… I think that’s even worse - growing up WANTING your parents to get divorced. My FI has wonderful, happy parents, but I look around my own family and don’t see any examples of good marriages and worry that I will somehow ruin my marriage.
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Mrs. Cupcake, Philadelphia Age and Occupation: 27, Graphic Designer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Construction Project Manager Engagement Date: February 10, 2007 Wedding Date: September, 2008 Blogging Since: December 7, 2007 Venue: The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA About Me: Mr. Cupcake and I hit it off at a Halloween party and immediately began a long-distance relationship. After two years, he moved to my neck of the woods, and a year and a half after that, he proposed at the “place we fell in love.” I am a true perfectionist who enjoys designing and creating more work for myself, so wedding planning is my perfect outlet. Mr. Cupcake and I are both old souls, and we hope to weave that aspect of our personalities into our wedding day.
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