Wedding Blog
What is it about wanting to impress your future mother in law? I have a FANTASTIC FMIL. She’s the kind of mother that you could only wish you’ll be. She puts her children first and foremost in everything she does. I was describing her once to my good friend and I started bawling just talking about her. Last year she and her sisters sewed me my own Christmas Stocking (or “sock” as Mr. Penguin likes to call it) and I just about died right then and there. Needless to say, I always find myself wanting to impress her, even though it’s hard, because I’m half Thai-half Insane.
Since our engagement, I find myself exchanging E-Mails with her more frequently than usual, just keeping her posted on how the planning is going and what not… but I find myself avoiding sending her E-Mails because I don’t know what to call her! I’m perfectly comfortable calling Mr. Penguin’s dad by his first name, but for some reason, I can’t get myself to call my FMIL anything! I feel like calling her by her first name or Mrs. Lastname is incredibly formal, while calling her “Mom” is inappropriate. Occasionally she E-mails both Mr. Penguin and I simultaneously, where she signs off as “Mom”. But when she sends E-Mails to me alone, she signs them “Love, Jane”.
I’ve gone through scads of vague E-Mail greetings, varying from “Hello there!” to “It’s me again!” But never “Hi Mom” or “Dear Jane” or “Greetings Mrs. Penguin”.
Are you experiencing parental name block? Have you and your FMIL/FFIL addressed the issue as to what you should greet them as, or are you skating by in a world of namelessness?
|
Share this post: Me Penguin, You Jane
my parents have been married for 40 years and my mom STILL doesn’t call my grandparents by a name (yes, they are amazingly still alive). she just doesn’t directly call them anything. i find it hilarious. you might want to work this out early on though, cause 40 years is a long time to go without knowing what to call your family members.
ahh~!! this is me~!! ever since me and my fiance were dating i haven’t called his parents anything~! the first time i was going to meet them i asked him what i should call them? i was just planning on mr and mrs last name. but he said that’s so weird..so somehow i just ended up never calling them anything?? now we’re 3 months away from getting married and i’ve never called them anything~! i’m going to be like west’s mom who doesn’t call her MIL by a name for 40 years..lol..
My sister in law doesn’t call my parents by their names. Instead, she found nicknames for them, and she refers to them by their nicknames which is Ol’ Boy and Ol’ Girl. . . yeah, my SIL is weird.
My FH and I started dating in high school, when it was perfectly appropriate (and necessary) to call his parents Mr. and Mrs. That was 11.5 years ago and I called them that until we got engaged this past February. After we got engaged, I had my fiance ask them if it was alright if I called them by their first names (and vice versa for my parents). His parents are lovely, and they are great to me, but in general they are not crazy affectionate or expressive, so it never seemed appropriate before. Somehow, getting engaged made us adults or something 
Now it’s fine but I actually find it kind of hard to say their first names when I’m talking to them, because I’m so not used to it!
OMG! YEs. And when someone finds out what “we” should call “them” - please let me know. For now when I HAVE to refer to them for each other, I usually say something like “X’s dad wants ….” or “X’s mom said you should…” Only on about 2 occasions I have called them “Mr. and Mrs.” and they never corrected me. And once on the phone, FI’s dad called himself “Uncle ___” I asked FI - isn’t that weird”? But he didn’t think so since everyone calls his dad uncle. But I thought it was strange cuz in a few months he’d go from “Uncle” to “Dad”? With each other, FI and I refer to our parents as “Mama___” and “Papa___” as a joke. But I seriously wish we could just call them that and be done with it. In fact - I’ve been waiting to hear what FI’s BIL calls his parent, but since they have a kid, he gets to call them “Grandma” and “Grandma”.
I’m in the same boat as you. My chinese and he’s white, so there was a huge cultural issue too. I wasn’t comfortable calling her “Mom” until we were married and “Mrs. ___” seemed too formal. But, you’re right, never had a problem calling his dad by his first name.
I just skirted the issue of addressing her until after the wedding. we’ve been married 7 months now and I am just starting to call her “Mom.” It’s nice and I don’t think she really picked up on the fact that I never properly addressed her.
My future MIL never called her inlaws anything either! So the first time I met FI’s parents she made it a point to say “Please call us by our first names!”. So much easier that way!
I had the same issue! I didn’t know what to call either of my in-laws for the longest time. When the hubs and I were recently engaged, my FIL was in my town for a conference and stopped at my house for dinner. I wanted to offer him a drink, but realized that in 3 years I had NEVER addressed him directly. Professionally, he’s “Dr. Lastname,” so I just said, “um, Dr. Lastname, would you like a drink?” He looked kind of like I had just insulted his mother.
“DOCTOR? My NAME is EDDIE.*”
“Uh, OK… Uh… Eddie. Would you like a drink?”
“Sure, thanks.”
And that was that. Once that awkwardness was (publicly - in front of my laughing housemates!) out of the way, I started calling them both by their first names. I now feel a lot more comfortable calling my MIL by her first name, because we’re basically good friends (I’m with you on really loving the MIL, Mrs. Penguin… it is so nice to have such a cool lady to talk with!). But I agree with everyone that you might as well have the discussion, however weird it is, early on. It’s so much less stressful when you know what to call them!
Great post! My friends and I talk about this all the time. I called my in-laws Mr. & Mrs. until we got married and then switched to Mom & Poppy (what all the grandkids calls his dad). I’m still getting used to saying “Mom” though. but I think she loves it, and I wouldn’t want to call her by her first name. But she did tell me early on to call her whatever I felt comfortable saying.
I did want to get this clear, because my parents have been married for 33 years and my mom has never called her MIL anything either. She just looks at her and starts talking LOL. My husband calls my mother, Mom and my dad by his first name.
After our engagement, my parents told my fiance he could call them whatever he wanted, as long as it wasn’t derogatory! I know my FMIL really wants me to call her Mom, but I have no interest in calling her Mom… I already have a mother, and something seems creepy about calling my fiance’s mother Mom… we’ll be married, not siblings. My fiance told me to just call her by her fist name, and she certainly does not mind, just wishes I would call her Mom. Maybe I’m a bad future daughter-in-law, but I’m not willing to call her a name that would make me uncomfortable and squeamish each time I used it. Plus, if my fiance doesn’t have to call my parents Mom and Dad, I shouldn’t have to do it either!
YES. i don’t know what to call my future PIL… i think usually they are called by their first names!
I seriously cannot believe this post. I have been struggling with this issue for YEARS. We too have dated since high school, and I called his parents Mr. and Mrs. X as was appropriate. Now, almost 10 years out of high school, I call them nothing. If i am forced to call them something, I call them Mr. and Mrs. X. It is so awkward. He calls my parents their first names and has for years. When we were in high school he called my mom Mrs. Y, but later, she told him to just call her by her first name. His parents have NEVER said that to me. So- I am hoping before/after the wedding this gets cleared up. I have mentioned it to my fiance and he says just to call them by their first name. I just can’t make the switch though until they tell me to. I end up with “hey!” and no name. It makes me feel better that others are struggling with this same issue!
I just had this conversation with some friends the other night! I only met FI’s parents once before we got engaged, so I didn’t really have to worry about calling them anything, and now I’m at a loss! My parents always called their in-laws “mom” and “dad” so that seems natural to me– for them! The other day my FMIL called me so say hello while FI was out of town and said “hi, it’s mom!” so I know she’s ok with it… but I think it’ll take me a little while to be comfortable with that. It helps that she is so friendly and motherly and thoughtful!
I had the exact same problem! My husband’s parents asked me to call them by their first names the first time I met them, when I was a freshman in college. I guess he grew up calling all his friends’ parents by their first names, and his friends did the same with his parents. By contrast, I grew up calling my friends’ parents “Mr. and Mrs. X,” so it felt weird to me to address an adult so casually.
9 years later, I’m able to do the “first name” thing, and he’s now stuck with what to call my parents (who are also accustomed to more formality, but don’t want to be so stiff with him now that he’s family). He’s decided to use a Vietnamese honorific meaning “older relative” for my mother, who’s Vietnamese, but with my dad he’s stumped.
oy, I’ve always thought this was a huge problem. My fiancee, as well as his parents, insist I call them, “Mom and Dad.” I have a problem with that - a major, major problem with that. I even voiced my concerns to my own parents, and they were like, oh, it’s not that big of a deal. But seriously, to me, it’s like asking to call coke “pepsi.” It just doesn’t work. I usually try to refer to them directly as “Mr. and Mrs. K,” however awkward it can be, if I have to refer to them at all. I figure it’s better then trying to get their attention by making noises or saying, “yoohoooo!!! over here!!” to avoid the issue altogether.
My BF’s parents insisted from the beginning that I call them by their first names. It took me about a year to be comfortable enough to call his mother by her first name. We’ve been dating for almost two years, and I’m just now getting to the point where I can call his dad by his first name. BF, on the other hand, has no idea what to call my parents.
I call my in-law’s by their first name. I’ve never felt comfy with the idea of “switching” over to calling them mom and dad, since as far as I’m concerned, they aren’t my parents. But they’re more like friends to me, really, and I call all my friends by their first names! So there ya have it.
I call my FMIL/FFIL by their names. They sign cards as “Mom & Dad” but they will never be my parents. It makes me very uncomfortable when they ask me to call them Mom and Dad because I already have a Mom & Dad!
Yup same problem with the emails! I call FMIL by Mrs. Lastname cause I would feel too awkward calling her by her first name only (she signs off that way too). But FFIL is easy because he once gruffily said I could call him by his first name instead of Mr. Lastname and now I do it to poke fun at him :P. Mom and Dad is only reserved for my parents!
I’ve always called them by their first names, and that seems fine-but this actually just came up the other night when I was writing gift tags! The gift is from fiance and I, so I asked him to I put To: ‘Mom’? To: firstname? So we put to: mom/firstname thinking it would be cute, but instead it looks very weird! Both of my parents have passed away and it makes me feel uncomfortable to call FI’s parents ‘mom and dad’. I dont know!
Oh and he calls my parents Mr. and Mrs. Lastname cause they are old school Asians and it comes natural :).
On the extreme occasions that just starting to talk won’t indicate who I’m addressing, I’ve used the inlaws’ first names. On the other hand, their own daughter calls them by their first names, so I’m not alone.
This topic seems so funny to me - growing up in Northern California I’ve called all adults (except teachers) by their first names since I was a little kid. This goes for both parents of my friends and friends of my parents’. So I’ve always called my FMIL and FFIL by their first names, and can’t imagine doing anything else! (I would never feel comfortable calling them ‘mom’ & ‘dad’ though. I agree with everyone above - I only have one set of parents!)
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, but fortunately, there *is* an easy way to find out what form of address best suits your in-laws: ASK THEM. This is one situation where the direct approach is definitely best. They’ll probably be pleased you care enough to ask, and you’ll never have to worry that you’ve chosen some form of address they secretly hate. Do it as close to the wedding as you can, since it will only get more awkward as time goes on… The fiance and I are planning to have this conversation with his parents very soon — and his brother-in-law (married into the family a few years ago) is anxiously awaiting the response, so he’ll know what he should call them going forward!
same here! I always called FMIL by name. Since we’ve been engaged, I haven’t felt comfortable calling FMIL ‘mom’ yet. but my FI’s already calling my mom “Mom”. FI told me that FMIL would be happy, but it just doesn’t feel right yet to me. I may just wait until after the wedding to officially call FMIL, ‘mom’.
This post is SO funny! When I was in high school, I didn’t call my boyfriend’s parents anything, which led me to awkwardly tap them on the shoulder and say, “hey…” if they didn’t realize I was trying to talk to them, and to eventually speak only if they were looking at me!!! As I didn’t want to repeat this strange behavior, when I met my now fiance’s parents, I immediately began calling them Mr. & Mrs. Now that we’re engaged, I’ve started to address things to Mom & Dad if my fiance is going to also sign them. Once we are married, I am planning to make a silly conversation out of the transition from Mr. & Mrs. to first names or mom and dad. I think that it is something that needs to be addressed and the transition to daughter-in-law is a perfect time to address it. Anyway, it is always easier to bring things up if you make a joke out of it! I am just going to try to avoid the shoulder tap from here on out!
I’ve always called FIL’s, and most older adults, but their first names…
I won’t ever call them mom& dad though.
We did the Mom/first name for gifts last year too, and it looked weird - this year, DF and I are just each writing the tags: to Mom, love Maple & DF
I am so grateful I have inlaws that are as laid back with the whole name thing as I have always been. I call my inlaws MomO and DadO and they LOVE it! Just the luck of the draw, I guess. And my husband is free to call my parents mom and dad but I’ve noticed he just doesn’t really call them anything. I guess both parties have to be comfortable with it.
Great post!
I have no idea and I’m kinda avoiding this. I always called them Mr and Mrs X, but now that we’re married, I’m not sure what to call them. I guess by their first names, but I have no idea.
I just wish they would come out and say, please call us so and so, but they haven’t.
This has really become apparent when writing cards to them. Not really sure how to address them!
My parents right off the bat told DH to call them by their first names, so at least he knows what to do!
ugh!
Great post! This was an issue for me at the start of our relationship. My fiance’s name is Jeremy and often goes by just “j”. So over the years, she started refering to herself with his friends and such as J-Mom. So that’s what she wanted me to call her too. It works perfectly because like others have said, I HAVE a mom and it seems uncomfortable to call someone else that. I love JMom and we’ve even talked about that being her name when the grandkids come along too.
When we starting dating, his parents wanted me to call them by their names. Not sure if being asian has anything to do with this, but I thought it was kinda disrespectful to call them by their first names so I avoided it like the plague. Christmas/birthday/gifts/cards of any sort had to be from both of us that way we could write: “Dear Mom, or Dear Dad,”. After our engagement it was still a weird subject never to be brought up. We then bought a 2-family house and my FMIL and FFIL moved in to the upstairs. As I got to know them on a deeper/family level, they finally addressed the issue and said to call them Mom and Dad. I’m still getting used to it and it’s starting to feel “normal”…there’s still the occassional hiii…(pause) it’s joy or hey there… lol.
See, for me this is even more complicated because my BF’s parents divorced when he was a child. I have no problem calling his stepmom by her first name, because he does too… his mum and dad, though, I don’t know what to call! In conversation I’ll refer to them as “BF’s mum” or “BF’s dad”, but I just sort of… don’t refer to them directly?
I never really did. I was pretty upfront with my guy that I only have one mom (we’ve been through a lot together), so it was important to me that she be the only one I bestow that title to.
So, I call my guy’s mom by her first name or MIL. Before the wedding it was FMIL in all of our emails. And it’s cool because it works for us.
hah! this totally is me too - i called my fiance’s parents mr and mrs from the first time i met them, simply because that’s what i was taught to call adults (even though i am an adult too… but oh well…) and he called my parents the same. after we got engaged, i emailed his mom and referred to her as mrs, and she emailed me back and said that i could call her by her first name, if i wanted. so now i address her by that in emails, but i’m still a little too weirded out to call her that in real life. his dad, i still call mr.
what will he call my parents, heh, i have no idea….
I had the hardest time with this, too…. I called Mr. Cupcake’s parents “Mr. & Mrs.” for several months, until finally one day when I said something along the lines of “thanks, Mr. X” and he responded, “the name’s Jim.” Alrighty then! They had always said that I should call them by their first name’s, but I had always been taught to call my “elders” Mr. or Mrs., and it was a hard habit to break. But from that point on, I made myself call my future in-laws by their first names, and after a little while, it did get easier. Now it’s pretty natural!
haha i totally struggle with that, except for mr. d’s grandparents! I call FMIL my auntie firstname right now since that’s what I’ve called her for as long as I’ve known her, but everytime I go to mr. d’s grandparents’ home, i have NO CLUE what to call them! i still just kinda say, “hiiii!” 
wow, I’m commenting pretty late, but…
I hadn’t even been thinking about it until a few weeks ago. I’ve always just called her by her first name.
But then for Chanukah, she sent us a chocolate dreidel, and she signed it from “Mom.” Since celebrating Chanukah is purely my side, then I figured the dreidel was CLEARLY for me (I mean, I’m the one who ate it), so I felt like it was the first time she had referred to herself as “Mom.”
Then a week ago we got the Christmas card - it was awesome. She found a card that was to: Son and “Daughter” - with daughter in quotes! I thought that was hilarious.
Anyway, yeah, definitely something to think about that recently hit me as well.
When we got enaged my MIL asked us to hurry up and get married so that I could call her mom. Three years later we’re still not married (only 3 more weeks!) but I’ve been calling her mom since the day she made that comment. She really has been amazing to me!
If I’m feeling affectionate, I’ll call them Cherylmom and Billdad. If not, Just their names. But not Mom and Dad. I have those already.
But I definitely understand …when they refer to themselves that way, it makes it like, um, what do I do?
| Visit our sister sites | Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Fertile Thoughts Infertility Support |
Mrs. Penguin, Northern California
Age and Occupation: 27, Weddingbee Editor in Chief
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Doctor of Physical Therapy
Engagement Date: January 29, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 14, 2007
Venue: Winery in the Gold Country
About Me: I love the Spice Girls, dogs with underbites, bean burritos, making messes, high fives, avoiding showers, crossword puzzles, blogs, weddings, and blogs about weddings!
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 |
Latest Gallery Pics