How To Address Your New Family
January 7th, 2008 @ 11:52 am by Mrs. Onion
I was wrapping Christmas presents for our families over the holiday and started to write a tag for my father-in-law’s gift from me and Mr. Onion, and I wrote “for Dad” because that’s how he would address his father. Then I was writing my mother-in-law’s gift tag and without thinking wrote “for [her first name].”
It got me thinking — what do you call your in-laws and how did you come to that decision. “Mom” and “Dad” just don’t roll off my tongue.
And if you’re not married yet, is this something you’ve discussed with your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance?
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33 Responses to “How To Address Your New Family”
I use their first names. My husband and his brother do this also; I think it started when their mom re-married late in their lives.
Oh, and on the flip side, my husband also calls my parents by their first names. He started out with Mr. and Mrs. So and So, but they asked him to please use their first names.
It really is hard for me as well. I generally just avoid calling them anything - I rearrange whatever I’m saying so that I don’t have to preface it with ‘hey …..you”! ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ sound so wrong, and I was raised with the strict instruction never to call adults older than me by their first names….Even when asked to, I generally embarass myself by saying, “yes, Mrs/Mr. <insert first name here.” haha
I call them by their first names. But he calls them by their first names too, so it isn’t as though we have different names for them.
I’m going to see how long I can get away with not calling them anything. I know what they want me to call them, but it makes me so uncomfortable!!!
They have requested me to call them Mr/Mrs. so and so… He calls mine by there first names (so do my brother in laws.
Does anyone else think the the Mr/ Mrs is weird??? I mean you are allowed to have input into my life, have a key to my house and basically complain I am not letting you into my life but them request me to call Mr/ Mrs. It seems to me when inlaws due that they are setting lines they may not see themselves??
My DH and I are high school sweethearts, and I called them Mr. and Mrs. X until we were engaged, when they insisted I started calling them by their first names. I found that by forcing myself to use their first names, it gradually got easier. It definitely felt weird at first b/c I’d been calling them Mr. and Mrs. X for so many years! DH still has trouble calling my parents by their first names, but he’s working on it.
I would never call his parents “Mom and Dad.” I feel like that would be disrespectful to my own parents.
And yes, Amygirl, I do think it’s weird that your in-laws require you to call them Mr./Mrs. To me, it’s like they don’t fully accept you as a family member. What does your DH think? Are his parents just otherwise strict?
I am engaged (after 8 1/2 years together). I have always called his parents Mr. & Mrs. X. When we got engaged they asked me to call them Mom and Dad. This is SOOO weird to me! I find it easier to call his mom “Mom” than to call his dad “Dad”. That is just to awkward. My parents want him to call them Mom and Pops. We both just generally avoid calling them anything. I guess it must get easier… but for now… waaaay to weird. And I agree with Jay, Amygirl - it is very weird that they want to you call them Mr. and Mrs. (unless like Jay said - they are very strict). Are they from another culture?
I call them by their first names.
I know my mother-in-law would love it if I called her “mom”… she just recently started signing her emails and cards to me as “mom” and she calls her own in-laws “mom and dad.” We are super-close, but it just seems unnatural to call her “mom”.. I don’t know if I ever will.
I also think my mom’s feelings would be hurt if I called her that. I already feel bad that when I end phone conversations with my mother-in-law, I say “love you too!” because my mom and I don’t even say “I love you” to each other.
My mom always called my dad’s parents Mom and Dad, mainly because her own parents we already dead and they were parental figures to both of them. Even though my parents are now divorced, my mom still calls them M&D whenever they see or talk to each other.
I too can refer to my FFIL as dad, but not my FMIL. She just isn’t motherly in my opinion.
I think if I called my mother in law “mom” 1. she would be freaked, 2. i would be freaked and 3. My mom would be pissed. lol
AMYGIRL, yes I think that it is a little weird that you still have to call them mr and mrs. oh well. in-laws, their weirdos. hee hee. just kidding (you should have them call you Mrs. too!!)
I call them by their first names. I only have one mom and one dad. 
Plus I have known my fiance’s family for nearly 10 years and I’ve always just called them both by their first names. Switching to Mom and Dad is weird for me. I don’t think they would appreciate it.
My aunt had a common-law husband that used to call my Grandmother “mom” this irritated both her and the rest of the family. She wasn’t his mom and preferred to be called by her first name.
I guess it’s up to each individual family, but personally, I like to stick with their names.
It gets easier with time- but I would call them whatever they are most comfortable with and just go with it. I was raised like MissShortcake - never to address adults by strictly their first names due to respect issues. I had to call everyone who was a family friend, auntie or uncle whatever. My parents wanted my husband to call them Mom and Dad and they felt I should do the same with his parents. After 6 1/2 years of marriage, it’s gotten more natural to do so but for a long long time I just avoided calling them anything. His brothers & sister-in-law usually call them by their first names though.
I feel really wierd calling my IL’s “mom” and “dad”. I started out with “Mr. and Mrs.” I call my MIL by her first name, but for my FIL, he has the same name as my brother-in-law (a Jr. and Sr.) and I get them really confused. So, with his permission, I just call him the name that he always joked with me to call him. It’s his cool, “I’m a country rock-star” name. He likes it and it’s kinda a funny inside joke between us. He laughs every time I call him that, which is good enough for me.
We’re both Chinese and his parents are more traditional than mine. I call them “lailai” and “loyeh” (cantonese) which is the traditional way of calling your mother-in-law and father-in-law.
Mr. JCM calls my parents by their first name. My MIL flips out because she thinks he should call them “Ma” and “Ba” (cantonese, again) and insists that it is different when he calls his real parents “Mom” and “Dad”. Mr. JCM doesn’t want to call anybody but his real parents by “mom” and “dad”.
However, in traditional Chinese culture, calling your in-laws by their first name is very disrespectful, so…..
I call them MR + first name and Mrs + First Name. So does my Fi with my parents, though it happened a couple of times. I would never ever call somebody that wasn’t my own parents mum and dad. But most of the times i try not to call them at all 
When we were home for Christmas, my husband addressed my mom using her first name. Then she looked at me and asked me why he was calling her by her first name. And I asked her what else would he call her - her parents gave her a name so people could address her, right? What’s even weirder is my parents are divorced (almost 10 years) but my mom kept her married name. So I’m not sure why she expects him to call her Mrs. Myoldlastname when she’s neither a Mrs. or technically even a Myoldlastname!
Now it’s got me self-conscious about talking to his parents and the next time he sees them, I’m going to make him ask them what they want me to call them. I have no problem calling them Mom and Dad, but for some reason I feel like his sister wouldn’t like it (I have no idea what her husband calls them…)
DRAMA!!!
I’m not married yet, so I’ll answer the question too! My BF & I talked about it. We decided on first names because it sounded the most natural, and also because I cannot call anyone who is not my biological parent “Mom” or “Dad”.
Both my parents call both sets of grandparents Mom & Dad, and my FI’s family is the same way. My dad has already requested FI call him ‘Dad’ because he’s so happy he finally has a son (he’s stuck with my sister and I). We both acknowledge it will be weird and take a bit of time to get used to calling one another’s mothers ‘Mom’, but we figure it will all come with time. In our cultures, it would be very disrespectful to call them by any other name!
I managed to avoid calling my in-laws anything for at least two years while I was dating the hubs… until one day when I had to say something to my now-FIL, and I called him “Dr. Lastname”. He actually yelled - the only time he’s ever yelled at me, that I recall - and said, “WHAT did you call me? My name is Firstname!” So I called him by his first name, and we were cool.
I think the key is to just ASK what they want to be called. It’s awkward, but not saying anything is more awkward.
But yeah - they’re not my mom and dad… I don’t think I could ever call them that.
I call them by their first names if I have to address them directly. I avoid it otherwise. Hubby calls my parents, “Mom” and “Dad.” However, if we are giving my in-laws a gift from both of us (as in your post, i.e. Christmas gifts), I write “Mom” or “Dad,” because that’s what hubby would call them.
I typically call them by their first names (calling them mom and dad seems off to me)…but after I thought about it for a minute I realize that I sometimes do call them Mom X and Dad X (my parents as Mom and Dad)
I call them by their first names. They seem fine with it however, my FH thinks I should call them Mom & Dad. My FH’s sister-in-law calls them either Mom & Dad or Mr… & Mrs… and all the girlfriends call them Mr, & Mrs. (FH is 1 of 5).
I am just not comfortable calling them Mom & Dad. I have two parents love dearly and I have a step Dad and a quasi step mother (Dad’s dated her for 12 years) who I won’t call by those names. Why should I call 2 people (who I like immensley) by names that refer to the people who raised you. I think it is disrespectful to my parents and at the least I think they would be hurt if they ever heard me do it. Since future in-laws seem ok with it we are going to stick with thier names.
MY FH calls mine Mom & first name for my parents and he calls my step Dad by his first name as do I.
My hubby calls my mom “Mom 2.0″ and I generally refer to his mom as either “Mum” (where “mom” is my mom) or “Mum LastName” As far as dads go.. it’s been first name basis.
I call them Billdad and Cherylmom. I just can’t call them Mom and Dad. I have those already. Just doesn’t feel right. And it actually always makes me squirm a bit when they sign letter, emails etc. with Mom and Dad. I’m grateful for the sentiment, but I’m like, it’s ok for me to just be your friend, right? I don’t have to be a second child, do I?
Ohhhh! I hope someone can help me out on this. A few weeks ago my FIL told my FI that it was disrespectful for me to call them by their first names. They told him that I should either call them mom and dad or, and this is the part I need help with, the Cantonese version of MIL and FIL. The problem is that by the time my FI reported this conversation back to me he couldn’t quite remember the pronunciation or which was which. What he said sounded sort of like lie-lie and pow- pow. Can any Cantonese speakers help me out with a phonetic pronunciation and who’s who?
I have called my in-laws by their first names since I started dating Mr. Pumpkin when we were 15 but when we sent out our thank you cards for the wedding I addressed it to Mom & Dad because I know that is what they want and would make them happy. It felt really weird though and I haven’t been able to do it again since. I put their first names on their Christmas gift tags but on gifts to my parents I put Mom & Dad, even when it’s from both of us. I know that Mr. P would NEVER call my parents Mom & Dad and that is totally fine with me and them but I still feel like I should be calling his parents Mom & Dad. Weird, I know. I guess I’ll just hope for kids soon so that I can call them Grandma and Grandpa!
I usually just call him Papa.
Amy- yes, that is totally weird. You are family now. Even their nieces and nephews don’t call them Mrs. and Mr. so and so right? Weird.
I have not called my in-laws anything yet. We have only been married for 4 months. I also squirm. I know my mom wants my DH to call her mom - he is not completely sold on the idea though.
I like that there is a version for in-laws in cantonese. That might be weird since I am not. The funny thing on the subject is my grandfather signs all his letters, “Name/Dad/Popop” I find it amusing he uses three names each time but he has 5-inlaws which all call him by his name, kids, and grandkids that he found this easier.
To answer the question, of if they are overly strict? they are not, but are old fashion and formal. My DH is not to happy because I don’t want to be refered to as Mrs. His last name because that is what I call her and it bugs me that I use it all the time and then have that be my name. (I think I am just being petty b/c I don’t feel she fully respect me as his wife by making me uses Mr. & Mrs.) Oh well….. inlaws!
I call my future mother-in-law “Mrs. Last Name”. When I first met her I was instructed to call her that, and after the engagement, no further instruction was given.
I am fine with the formality. “Mom/Mother/Maman” seems too intimate, “Her First Name” seems to comfortable, like we are old college friends.
Besides, I think calling her “Mrs. Last Name” gives our relationship a Jane Austen era sort of air.
(Unfortunately, my fiancee’s father died six years ago, but when referencing him I call him “Dr. Last Name”.)
Miss Onion, NYC/Burlington, VT
Age and Occupation: 26, PR & Marketing and Jazz Singer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Data Analyst
Engagement Date: April 2, 2006
Wedding Date: September 2007
Blogging Since: July 11, 2007
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About Me: I didn't think I'd be "that girl," but I am having so much fun planning our wedding (mostly by myself). I'm a PR and Marketing Director for a major jazz festival and camp by day, and by night, a romantic jazz singer and bride-to-be! I hope all my research can help other brides in their planning.
i just physically cannot call my in-laws mom and dad!! i feel so bad because i know i should and ought to, but my brain won’t let me utter those words in front of them. those two words, to me, are reserved for my own parents, so in my head it’s wrong to address someone else in the same words. i don’t know what i’m going to do. i need to figure out a variation of the words mom and dad to call my in-laws.