Mrs. Lovebug, Tucson
Age and Occupation in 06: 31, Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Professional Game Show Contestant
Engagement Date: February 18, 2007
Wedding Date: April 19, 2008
Venue: Historic Inn
About Me: Likes: blogging, wikis, semi-colons, cuddling, fragrant flowers, syntax, and spooning. Dislikes: typos, dangling modifiers, flypaper, citronella candles, and run-ons. If I had my druthers, I'd exchange simple vows in a candlelit library. But I lost my druthers long ago...anyone seen them?
We Love You, But You’re All Fired
January 7th, 2008 @ 9:31 am by Mrs. Lovebug
The decision to fire our wedding party wasn’t one we made lightly. But once we’d made it, I felt such weight drop from my shoulders that honestly, I felt like a bride reborn.
It began when my maid of honor and I had a falling out. It was actually a long time coming: she and I had somehow dysfunctionally evolved into a pair of “frenemies” with a lot of weird vibes between us. Oddly enough, I didn’t actually ever ask her to fill the role. But she used to joke that I’d better crown her MOH upon my engagement “or else.” When it happened, there wasn’t any discussion or anything. She just was.
When it became clear that our rift was permanent, bridesmaid #2, being closer to MOH than to me, jumped ship out of solidarity. Her actual words, before she hung up on me, were “Well, I’m J-’s friend first, so I guess just good luck and have a nice wedding, and a nice life.”
Then there was the issue of bridesmaid #3, and her chronic flakiness, disinterest, and unavailablity. And of the junior bridesmaid - a 13 year old girl who I like immensely…but who can be somewhat difficult and needy and has an established habit of taking her mother, bridesmaid #4, early out of parties, dinners, etc. due to crankiness, sleepiness, illness, and the like.
On Mr. L’s side of five groomsmen, there were MAJOR flakiness and attitudinal issues. Honestly, the word “apathy” came to mind a few times, which really stung when it applied to the guys that are “my” friends. And curiously, this was the side from which the real drama sprang: not one but two internal conflicts arose within the ranks.
One final issue: my very best friend in the whole world can’t be in our wedding party for various, complicated reasons. And if my BFF can’t be a part of it, what’s the point? It would just feel like a sham, a simulacrum.
Now, before any of this happened, it never occurred to me that a wedding could go off without a wedding party — or at least a MOH and best man. I thought it was as integral to the event as vows and rings. But I started shopping my complaint around the net, looking for commiseration. And I found accounts of couples who hadn’t had any attendants. None. And they were emphatically glad they hadn’t. All that drama and stress, eliminated, just by reducing it to a party of two: bride, groom.
I made my case to Mr. L. Why exactly do we need a wedding party? Who’s to say that these friends can’t be included in the process anyway, without the burden of responsibilities? Without the expectations and the consequent letdowns? Why do our friends need these mantles?
And come to think of it, I said, I don’t particularly like the idea of ranking my friends. Not that that’s what it is, I’m definitely not saying that - but our social circle is so amorphous. We’ve been hanging out with some great new people lately - are they not as important to us? And how much flakiness should we have to put up with?
He agreed: our bridal party was more a source of frustration and stress than of support and joy. And the best part is, we know that if we need help with something, whether it’s tux shopping or assembling favors, we do have a few great friends who are really there for us.
So we fired them. We told them they were off the hook. That they weren’t required to perform any tasks or attend any “mandatory” bridal functions. That they could wear whatever they liked that day. That we loved them and were grateful for their friendship and willingness to participate…but that we wanted them at our wedding as guests, not members. We were met with surprise. And relief. And best of all, renewed expressions of support. No one was angry or hurt. No one felt robbed of anything.
And Mr. L and I? Well, we feel like we got our wedding back. I want to be clear, though, that this isn’t a wholesale invective of bridal parties. I know most girls couldn’t imagine their wedding without one. And that’s fantastic and beautiful, and I love seeing such friendship and fun. It just isn’t for us.
Anyway, if you’re keeping score, that makes me the bride who
is walking herself down the aisle
isn’t wearing a veil
isn’t having a garter or bouquet toss
doesn’t have a bridal party
Have I mentioned that my FMIL is a self-described “old-fashioned traditionalist?” Makes for an, um, interesting intersection of perspectives.
Anyone else fire their wedding party? Or not hire one to begin with?
48 Responses to “We Love You, But You’re All Fired”
I applaud your decision to do what works best for you and your fiance. I’m all for tradition, but in the end, each wedding should be taken on a case-by-case basis and decisions should be made in the best interests of those involved. I’m not having a bridal party either and I’m so relieved. I love the idea, but I think in the end, it just wasn’t for me.
Wow! Good for you Miss LB! Tradition is what you make of it. We are having a bridal party and like you had mentioned it’s a tough decision and I totally hear you on the hierarchy thing. So YAY for taking back your wedding the way you want it!
I applaud you for making the change halfway though!! That’s a much more difficult/gutsy decision than never having a wedding party to begin with! Also for standing up for yourselves and what makes you happy!!!
For me - I’ve always known my mom would be my Maid of Honor. She is my tried and true always there for me friend. I have a great group of girl friends - that will always be my close friends - but you know, through life, those relationships are kinda on a bit of elastic as to how much we chat etc. But my Mom - we’ve been through it ALL together She’s my BESTEST friend
I’ve never really been thrilled with the idea of bridesmaids - and the responsibility that brings! So as the wedding started taking shape - it just made sense we’d have a MOH and a BM and that’s it. It was perfect
I liked your quote - “we wanted them at our wedding as guests, not members”. I’m always happy and honored to be a MOH or Bridesmaid - but it is nice to just enjoy a wedding too!
No bridal party here either– just a lot easier that way =)
Go Miss Lovebug! We were adamantly against having a wedding party for the same reasons. At one of our counseling sessions with our pastor, he suggested that we have SOMEONE up there to help in case one of us fainted or needed something. So we asked our siblings to just stand up there with us, his sister with him and my two sisters with me, and it was perfect. They just picked out fun dresses they already owned and looked really beautiful. We didn’t have any of the “traditional” stuff either, no veil, no first dance, no garter, none of that for us. And people didn’t miss it - just have things the way you want!!!
Good for you, Miss Lovebug! *claps*
I’ve dealt with a lot of drama within my wedding, too and had almost simiular situations. It’s madness! Luckily, we were able to re-adjust the situation and get things back on track. But maybe nixing the whole “party” idea would be a better option.
Kudos and i’m happy that you are feeling a lot more stress free (which you should) with making this decision.
I need to re-visit about your no garter/bouquet toss. And as for walking down the aisle by yourself, I think I might have to venture that path, too.
FMIL that is an “old-fashioned traditionalist”? Ah, welcome to my world, girly! *hugs*
No bridal party, no veil, no bouquet toss, no stress…..no regrets!!! And I think my friends love me more for it, BTW:)
Right on. Sometimes you just have to let go of what’s not working.
I think you made the right choice Miss Lovebug! It sounds like there was too much drama going on.
I know someone who fired her Maid-of-Honor a couple of weeks before the wedding. She found out that her best friend had been lying to her about a bunch of things, and that this girl had been having a secret relationship with a married man for months. She didn’t want someone standing beside her as she said her vows who had helped somebody else break theirs. I don’t blame her.
Unfortunately, they also let go one of the groomsmen, to have even numbers. I felt bad for the guy.. he didnt do anything wrong!
I’d rather not have one, but FI is insisting…siiigh!
I won’t have a wedding party, cos’ it doesn’t exist here on the other side of the planet.
and if it did, i probably wouldn’t want to put that weight on my friends, i want them to be my guests and enjoy the day and dress however they like.
and i’ll have no veil as well, no garter, but haven’t decided if i’ll walk by the aisle with my dad that hasn’t even wrote a card for me on christmas.
Thanks Miss Lovebug…I’m going through a similar situation with one of my bridesmaids but i know there will be a lot of hurt feelings so I’m debating…
I didn’t have a wedding party for my wedding and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. As it turns out, my relationship with the friend who would’ve been my MOH dissolved months before my wedding. But it was for the best, and I was doubly relieved that I didn’t have to worry about how it affected my bridal party. I still had great friends who stepped in to host a shower, bachelorette, etc., and I honestly did not miss having other people standing up there with me.
I know people say this all the time, but really, do what YOU what to do! No one will miss what’s not there! Best of luck!
Good move Miss Lovebug…and well done. I didn’t think it was possible. You’ll have to let us know if there are any permanant hard feelings because of it.
One person each for us, and so much easier because of it. They were both in college and super busy, so we just asked them to show up. I spent one day with my MOH dress shopping, and my guy spent a few hours at the tux shop with his BM and that was it.
We’re not having a bridal party either and trust me when I say that I truly believe it has been one of the best decisions during the planning phase so far!!
No worries Miss Lovebug - I’m not doing a garter or bouquet toss either. Plus, I’m wearing a nontraditional veil…hehe.
I didn’t have a wedding party either. We had a destination wedding in Hawaii, and so not only did I think it would be a huge hassle to organize the whole wedding party to have the proper attire, etc, I just thought it would be an additional financial burden on people who were already honoring us with their presence at our faraway wedding. I did have flower girls though, but they didn’t have matching dresses or anything, just sweet girls walking down the aisle together throwing rose petals.
I’d like to congratulate you on the brilliant use of not one, but two SAT words. I’m teasing you a little, but I really do love your writing style. Glad to have you back!
I think that’s pretty awesome of you..with the attitude of “you know, whatever…!” It’s YOUR wedding and if ppl you wanted to be included can’t get their act together e.g. not really have their heart in it to be part of the “special” group, then I say to heck with it. Think of it this way..you won’t have to worry about things that involve them (especially buying them thank-you gifts, which surely will be saving you money to put better elsewhere=GOOD THING) and I’m sure now, the whole process will be simpler…..congratulations to you! 
(actually you’re giving me second thoughts now about being a bridesmaid to my BFF’s wedding but I’m not sure her attitude will be the same as yours….)
My fiance and I decided not to have a bridal party from the beginning for multiple reasons.
I figure it’ll be better this way: my friends don’t have to spend money on a dress they’ll never wear again, I don’t have to pretend I like it…etc.
But I think the best part of the plan is that the people I would have asked to be in the bridal party, I’m going to ask to be with me the day of to get ready. All of the benefits, none of the burden.
I fired our BP also!!! It was just becoming too much stress. People were not living up to the expectations. We have been engaged almost 2 years and the girls couldn’t find a simple black dress. The men couldn’t afford their tux’s so we said thank’s but no thanks
We had a bridal party, but I wish I hadn’t. It never occurred to me to not have them. They made for pretty pictures but there was no support from the majority of them in all of our preparations up until the big day. My MOH was a cousin and I only chose her over friends because she was family. It was a dumb decision on my part because she was absolutely worthless. She didn’t even make it to my shower, let alone ever lift a finger to help plan any of it. Sadly enough, I can’t wait to repay the favor when she gets married. What goes around comes around.
Thanks for the post; what a relief to know I’m not the only one that had a disappointing bridal party.
Welcome back to posting. I am sorry that not even a couple of your friends were able to be there for you (that would be upsetting for me)but good for you for not going on with the charade. I think most people would have battled through and ben upset/frustrated the entire time.
we’re only having one person each stand beside us - my sister for me and his brother for him, and it’s been my best decision so far (besides saying “yes”). since my sister lives far away from me and his brother has special needs, we’re doing away with the normal responsibilities and special clothes that normal go with the positions. we just want them to stand beside us to give us support and honor our relationship with them. i’ve been a bridesmaid before and there was just more griping and drama involved than i wanted to deal with for my own wedding. it’s enough for me to just have my friends around me enjoying the day without any labels or extraneous responsibilities.
One of my bridesmaids I originally asked is turning out EXACTLY like your “bridesmaid #3″: flaky, disinterested, unavailable.
She doesn’t return phone calls or e-mails. When I talk to them about getting together over the holidays they say A-OK. Come around the holidays, I call, I e-mail, I text-message. I don’t get a thing.
I’m really turned off and it has left a sour taste in my mouth.
I’m trying to fire her nicely. Obviously, I’m still waiting to hear back because she isn’t responding to my contacts!!!!! GROWL
Me too! NoVeil, No garter/bouquet toss, only a MOH - no bridesmaids.
Let’s form a club. You can be honorary president!
Good decision and I don’t even consider a “non traditional” move. It’s a smart move. Bridal parties, even the best of them can be a royal pain. You’ll enjoy your wedding so much more this way.
Good move! My fiance and I chose not to have a bridal party. It was something we felt we didn’t need. I actually have enjoyed not having the stress and problems I have heard about!
double points for “simulacrum”
I love the idea of not having a wedding party at my wedding–but unfortunately I have a couple of dear friends who’ve already warned me that they’d be hurt without it…
I am also not having a traditional bridal party…for many of the reasons you and others have cited. No bouquet/garter toss here, either!
Kudos to you for your decision. If it makes you happy- then it is the right decision. I do wonder what requirements you had of them? In my understanding, a bridal party isn’t required to do anything other than show up in said attire.
I think it’s funny that in the “27 Dresses” previews the main character does so many things as a member of the bridal party. I just don’t think a lot of people know what being asked actually entails.
I agree! Especially younger women who are new to the ‘wedding world’. There are good articles online that list ‘expectations’ - maybe brides should start included a list of expectations when they ask someone to be a member of their party. (not in a bridezilla, detailed way - but in general terms so everyone knows the expectations). Make it clear - “don’t say yes/no now - take a day or two to think about it, this is important to me - I love you either way” I still think most people would say ‘yes’ — but at least then they may be more educated about the whole ordeal. And it would give girls who don’t have the time/money a chance to gracefully decline the role
It’s kinda true though - unless they’ve planned a wedding - people are a little clueless I know I was. I mean I always thought I’d been a thoughtful bridesmaid - but I’m sure I wasn’t perfect!
In Regards to walking down the aisle by yourself.
I went to a wedding recently, where the bride walked down the aisle by herself, and her future husband, walked from the altar area to about 1/2 down to meet her. they finished the walk together. I thought it was so amazing- i loved it- it was gorgeous- and I thought it seemed to fit the modern woman.
and when the preacher asked who gives their blessing for the marriage he asked us all in attendance. and together the whole group said “we do”. It brings tears to my eyes still thinking how sweet that wedding was, and how special it was to feel so included.
More likely than not, I am not going to have a bridal party.
we’re on the same page dearie. i didn’t have a bridal party. no veil. no traditional reception. no garter, etc.
we kept it small. and we’re much happier. so best of luck.
Yesterday I told a friend of mine (who wants to be a wedding planner) that I don’t want to wear a veil, and I’m pretty sure she thought I was nuts. So did the lady at David’s.
I never dreamed about my wedding as a kid or anything, so I’m not wedded (ha.) to the idea of a bridal party. My closest friend is a guy and my close girlfriends live cross-country- none of them would be asked or expected to do any ‘traditional’ bridal party things (like bachelorette part, showers etc) except just show up to the wedding. I toyed with the idea of just asking my guy friend to be my honor attendant and end it at that… then the night we were engaged, my FI went ahead and asked his two close guy friends to be his groomsmen! Now they are ‘dudes’ of the most typical kind and are basically expecting me to drag out two single women for them to escort down the aisle- none of my closest friends fit that bill and I’m just irritated at the thought if it. Don’t know what I’ll be doing- I can’t just ask the boy to ‘fire’ them, can I?
Oh, and I’m walking myself down the aisle, too! And probably not wearing a veil, or a little birdcage veil if anything at all.
Wow. Sounds like I’m in great company. I had no idea so many people weren’t having wedding parties…or veils…or bouquet tosses! Viva la revolution!
Thea - what a pickle he’s put you in. Man, I don’t know. If I were you, yeah, I’d probably ask your fiance to explain to them how you feel…but then, I’m just pushy like that.
Lucy - I know, I’m a dorkus majorkus. But I honestly don’t consciously make those decisions, I swear! That’s really how nerdy me writes, beleef it or not. I mean, you know you’re a nerd when the only word you can think of for the sentence is “simulacrum”, right?
beesknees - that’s a great idea, and sounds like it would fit our scene perfectly. Will talk to Mr. L about that, thank you.
sillybride: it wasn’t that they were missing out on any “requirements”. It was disinterest, not returning calls or emails, not even doing simple things like picking dress “A” or dress “B” and sending a pic for our website. It was exhausting hounding them, and really hurt me to feel that they just didn’t care.
Thanks for the support everyone. Go Team NWP (no wedding party)!
Kudos to you. I wish I fired my bridesmaids. They were absolutely were nothing but added stress and frankly a waste of my money. I thought that if I paid for their hair & makeup, hired a day-of coordinator to take care of setting up the reception and ceremony, and paid for a hotel room the night before for all of us to be together, that they would be appreciative and complete the few tasks that I asked him to do. I was wrong. I was not a priority, and even heard complaints about them “not knowing” what to do despite me giving them a detailed itinerary of where they needed to be. It’s still a sore subject for me because I feel that should have been the least of my worries. My day was perfect otherwise, but it would have been better if my bridesmaids got their heads out of their asses….
Bravo Miss Lovebug! I have been agonizing over the wedding party since before I was engaged! “How could we choose between friends?” I kept asking. Your wedding will be wonderful and intimate this way!
Here, here. DH and I didn’t want a large bridal party. My sister (MOH) and his BF from kindergarten (BM) stood up for us. No garter or bouquet toss.
As I look over pictures I see a small, intimate affair surrounded by the ppl we love the most. Perfect for us!
Go Team NWP!
I have been married before and the first wedding party was the reason that I didn’t have much of one in the second. My MOH had to be threatened for her to show up. She got engaged about 2 months before my wedding and originally was getting married about a year later. For whatever reason, she ended up moving the wedding to 2 weeks after mine and stopped helping me with mine or doing any duties. She also didn’t plan anything. I threw my own bachelorette party etc. My maids were equally as flaky. Not showing up to the shower, not paying their deposits, not getting measurements done in time etc. I ended up having to pay for all of their dresses and shoes for various reasons. I won’t even start with the guys and their respective girlfriends throwing hissy fits about their significiant other walking down the aisle with so-and-so. During the bridal party dance it was a near war.
So for wedding #2, I was intent on having no one and my hubby was in agreement but in the end we had a matron of honor, a best man and a flower girl (MOH’s daughter). Hubby’s BFF (lol) was hurt he wasn’t in the wedding and so we ended up including him since he was so upset over it. They were drama free and it was so much better of an experience than #1.
I have a bride (I’m a photog) for this summer that put it perfectly “I don’t want anyone to have to pay to be at my wedding.” It’s true - besides everything - that “honor” of being in a party is not cheap! I say kudos to you and good luck! I think you’ll be so much happier in the end!
Um, can I print up all of these responses and send them as a file marked “THIS is why” to my FMIL?
What a relief! We are also having no “bridal party.” I asked my sister to stand up for me, and he is having his brother. They both get to wear essentially what they want - in fact, since my sister just gave me my first niece, and is a little unhappy about her weight, we are just going to pick a dress in a color that makes her feel good and plan the color scheme around that. My mother is going crazy, but I think it just feels right. My girlfriends seem to be mostly relieved that they just get to wear something fabulous, hang out, and party. I have something of a reputation for being a little OCD, so I am sure they were all terrified.
Way to go Miss Lovebug!!!! I wish I had the guts to do what you did. Was in a similar situation with my MOH and Mr Jellybeans suggested early on that she should be “fired” a la Donald Trump! It would have saved me so many tears and disappointments!!! Props to you for following your heart!!! Welcome back!!!
Miss Lovebug - when you don’t know what you are missing you really just don’t mind. I know many modern eastern brides who do the wedding party thing but how I grew up and the weddings that I attended - wedding parties are NOT A BIG DEAL. So I am surprised at all the stress and “picking friends” that some of these wedding stories reveal! In my country we have “bridal helpers” but they are not necessarily the girls that are your BEST friends, they are people that are single and can help you on that day. What if your best friend has a sig other? If she were in the bridal party she could not spend the wedding with her sig other! What is he going to do then? No one wants that! So I say **** IT and CHUCK IT!!! This is about YOU and your FIANCE - it is really selfish in my opinion for someone to say “I better be in your wedding party!” What gives?! Good luck on your matrimonials and way to go for being a “SANE” bride.
not exactly, but we each picked one attendant, both of whom were living in other countries: opposite coast for one, and across the atlantic for the other. obviously there were no expectations and we told them to dress themselves.
