Weddingbee Blog

The decision to fire our wedding party wasn’t one we made lightly. But once we’d made it, I felt such weight drop from my shoulders that honestly, I felt like a bride reborn.

It began when my maid of honor and I had a falling out. It was actually a long time coming: she and I had somehow dysfunctionally evolved into a pair of “frenemies” with a lot of weird vibes between us. Oddly enough, I didn’t actually ever ask her to fill the role. But she used to joke that I’d better crown her MOH upon my engagement “or else.” When it happened, there wasn’t any discussion or anything. She just was.

When it became clear that our rift was permanent, bridesmaid #2, being closer to MOH than to me, jumped ship out of solidarity. Her actual words, before she hung up on me, were “Well, I’m J-’s friend first, so I guess just good luck and have a nice wedding, and a nice life.”

Then there was the issue of bridesmaid #3, and her chronic flakiness, disinterest, and unavailablity. And of the junior bridesmaid - a 13 year old girl who I like immensely…but who can be somewhat difficult and needy and has an established habit of taking her mother, bridesmaid #4, early out of parties, dinners, etc. due to crankiness, sleepiness, illness, and the like.

On Mr. L’s side of five groomsmen, there were MAJOR flakiness and attitudinal issues. Honestly, the word “apathy” came to mind a few times, which really stung when it applied to the guys that are “my” friends. And curiously, this was the side from which the real drama sprang: not one but two internal conflicts arose within the ranks.

One final issue: my very best friend in the whole world can’t be in our wedding party for various, complicated reasons. And if my BFF can’t be a part of it, what’s the point? It would just feel like a sham, a simulacrum.

Now, before any of this happened, it never occurred to me that a wedding could go off without a wedding party — or at least a MOH and best man. I thought it was as integral to the event as vows and rings. But I started shopping my complaint around the net, looking for commiseration. And I found accounts of couples who hadn’t had any attendants. None. And they were emphatically glad they hadn’t. All that drama and stress, eliminated, just by reducing it to a party of two: bride, groom.

I made my case to Mr. L. Why exactly do we need a wedding party? Who’s to say that these friends can’t be included in the process anyway, without the burden of responsibilities? Without the expectations and the consequent letdowns? Why do our friends need these mantles?

And come to think of it, I said, I don’t particularly like the idea of ranking my friends. Not that that’s what it is, I’m definitely not saying that - but our social circle is so amorphous. We’ve been hanging out with some great new people lately - are they not as important to us? And how much flakiness should we have to put up with?

He agreed: our bridal party was more a source of frustration and stress than of support and joy. And the best part is, we know that if we need help with something, whether it’s tux shopping or assembling favors, we do have a few great friends who are really there for us.

So we fired them. We told them they were off the hook. That they weren’t required to perform any tasks or attend any “mandatory” bridal functions. That they could wear whatever they liked that day. That we loved them and were grateful for their friendship and willingness to participate…but that we wanted them at our wedding as guests, not members. We were met with surprise. And relief. And best of all, renewed expressions of support. No one was angry or hurt. No one felt robbed of anything.

And Mr. L and I? Well, we feel like we got our wedding back. I want to be clear, though, that this isn’t a wholesale invective of bridal parties. I know most girls couldn’t imagine their wedding without one. And that’s fantastic and beautiful, and I love seeing such friendship and fun. It just isn’t for us.

Anyway, if you’re keeping score, that makes me the bride who

is walking herself down the aisle
isn’t wearing a veil
isn’t having a garter or bouquet toss
doesn’t have a bridal party

Have I mentioned that my FMIL is a self-described “old-fashioned traditionalist?” Makes for an, um, interesting intersection of perspectives.

Anyone else fire their wedding party? Or not hire one to begin with?