Newer blog post
more in Blog
Older blog post
Newer blog post by Mrs. Lovebug
more by Mrs. Lovebug (oldest)
Older blog post by Mrs. Lovebug
Mrs. Lovebug's Picture
Mrs. Lovebug, Tucson Age and Occupation in 06: 31, Writer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Professional Game Show Contestant Engagement Date: February 18, 2007 Wedding Date: April 19, 2008 Venue: Historic Inn About Me: Likes: blogging, wikis, semi-colons, cuddling, fragrant flowers, syntax, and spooning. Dislikes: typos, dangling modifiers, flypaper, citronella candles, and run-ons. If I had my druthers, I'd exchange simple vows in a candlelit library. But I lost my druthers long ago...anyone seen them?
About Mrs. Lovebug

The decision to fire our wedding party wasn’t one we made lightly. But once we’d made it, I felt such weight drop from my shoulders that honestly, I felt like a bride reborn.

It began when my maid of honor and I had a falling out. It was actually a long time coming: she and I had somehow dysfunctionally evolved into a pair of “frenemies” with a lot of weird vibes between us. Oddly enough, I didn’t actually ever ask her to fill the role. But she used to joke that I’d better crown her MOH upon my engagement “or else.” When it happened, there wasn’t any discussion or anything. She just was.

When it became clear that our rift was permanent, bridesmaid #2, being closer to MOH than to me, jumped ship out of solidarity. Her actual words, before she hung up on me, were “Well, I’m J-’s friend first, so I guess just good luck and have a nice wedding, and a nice life.”

Then there was the issue of bridesmaid #3, and her chronic flakiness, disinterest, and unavailablity. And of the junior bridesmaid - a 13 year old girl who I like immensely…but who can be somewhat difficult and needy and has an established habit of taking her mother, bridesmaid #4, early out of parties, dinners, etc. due to crankiness, sleepiness, illness, and the like.

On Mr. L’s side of five groomsmen, there were MAJOR flakiness and attitudinal issues. Honestly, the word “apathy” came to mind a few times, which really stung when it applied to the guys that are “my” friends. And curiously, this was the side from which the real drama sprang: not one but two internal conflicts arose within the ranks.

One final issue: my very best friend in the whole world can’t be in our wedding party for various, complicated reasons. And if my BFF can’t be a part of it, what’s the point? It would just feel like a sham, a simulacrum.

Now, before any of this happened, it never occurred to me that a wedding could go off without a wedding party — or at least a MOH and best man. I thought it was as integral to the event as vows and rings. But I started shopping my complaint around the net, looking for commiseration. And I found accounts of couples who hadn’t had any attendants. None. And they were emphatically glad they hadn’t. All that drama and stress, eliminated, just by reducing it to a party of two: bride, groom.

I made my case to Mr. L. Why exactly do we need a wedding party? Who’s to say that these friends can’t be included in the process anyway, without the burden of responsibilities? Without the expectations and the consequent letdowns? Why do our friends need these mantles?

And come to think of it, I said, I don’t particularly like the idea of ranking my friends. Not that that’s what it is, I’m definitely not saying that - but our social circle is so amorphous. We’ve been hanging out with some great new people lately - are they not as important to us? And how much flakiness should we have to put up with?

He agreed: our bridal party was more a source of frustration and stress than of support and joy. And the best part is, we know that if we need help with something, whether it’s tux shopping or assembling favors, we do have a few great friends who are really there for us.

So we fired them. We told them they were off the hook. That they weren’t required to perform any tasks or attend any “mandatory” bridal functions. That they could wear whatever they liked that day. That we loved them and were grateful for their friendship and willingness to participate…but that we wanted them at our wedding as guests, not members. We were met with surprise. And relief. And best of all, renewed expressions of support. No one was angry or hurt. No one felt robbed of anything.

And Mr. L and I? Well, we feel like we got our wedding back. I want to be clear, though, that this isn’t a wholesale invective of bridal parties. I know most girls couldn’t imagine their wedding without one. And that’s fantastic and beautiful, and I love seeing such friendship and fun. It just isn’t for us.

Anyway, if you’re keeping score, that makes me the bride who

is walking herself down the aisle
isn’t wearing a veil
isn’t having a garter or bouquet toss
doesn’t have a bridal party

Have I mentioned that my FMIL is a self-described “old-fashioned traditionalist?” Makes for an, um, interesting intersection of perspectives.

Anyone else fire their wedding party? Or not hire one to begin with?

Tags: bridesmaid, groomsman, Tucson |
advertisement below
Newer blog post
more in Blog
Older blog post
Newer blog post by Mrs. Lovebug
more by Mrs. Lovebug (oldest)
Older blog post by Mrs. Lovebug

48 Responses to “We Love You, But You’re All Fired”

1 2 3 

1.
Bee Icon
Bee
Miss Jasmine (message)  1,170 posts, Bumble bee

I applaud your decision to do what works best for you and your fiance. I’m all for tradition, but in the end, each wedding should be taken on a case-by-case basis and decisions should be made in the best interests of those involved. I’m not having a bridal party either and I’m so relieved. I love the idea, but I think in the end, it just wasn’t for me.

 
2.
Bee Icon
Bee
Miss Canary (message)  682 posts, Busy bee

Wow! Good for you Miss LB! Tradition is what you make of it. We are having a bridal party and like you had mentioned it’s a tough decision and I totally hear you on the hierarchy thing. So YAY for taking back your wedding the way you want it!

 
3.
jilian
Member
jilian (message)  783 posts, Busy bee

:) I applaud you for making the change halfway though!! That’s a much more difficult/gutsy decision than never having a wedding party to begin with! Also for standing up for yourselves and what makes you happy!!!

For me - I’ve always known my mom would be my Maid of Honor. She is my tried and true always there for me friend. I have a great group of girl friends - that will always be my close friends - but you know, through life, those relationships are kinda on a bit of elastic as to how much we chat etc. But my Mom - we’ve been through it ALL together :) She’s my BESTEST friend :)

I’ve never really been thrilled with the idea of bridesmaids - and the responsibility that brings! So as the wedding started taking shape - it just made sense we’d have a MOH and a BM and that’s it. It was perfect :)

I liked your quote - “we wanted them at our wedding as guests, not members”. I’m always happy and honored to be a MOH or Bridesmaid - but it is nice to just enjoy a wedding too!

 
4.
Guest Icon
Guest
Peihan

No bridal party here either– just a lot easier that way =)

 
5.
Guest Icon
Guest
Salley

Go Miss Lovebug! We were adamantly against having a wedding party for the same reasons. At one of our counseling sessions with our pastor, he suggested that we have SOMEONE up there to help in case one of us fainted or needed something. So we asked our siblings to just stand up there with us, his sister with him and my two sisters with me, and it was perfect. They just picked out fun dresses they already owned and looked really beautiful. We didn’t have any of the “traditional” stuff either, no veil, no first dance, no garter, none of that for us. And people didn’t miss it - just have things the way you want!!!

 
6.
Guest Icon
Guest
Miss Mandy

Good for you, Miss Lovebug! *claps*

I’ve dealt with a lot of drama within my wedding, too and had almost simiular situations. It’s madness! Luckily, we were able to re-adjust the situation and get things back on track. But maybe nixing the whole “party” idea would be a better option.

Kudos and i’m happy that you are feeling a lot more stress free (which you should) with making this decision.

I need to re-visit about your no garter/bouquet toss. And as for walking down the aisle by yourself, I think I might have to venture that path, too.

FMIL that is an “old-fashioned traditionalist”? Ah, welcome to my world, girly! *hugs*

 
7.
Guest Icon
Guest
Sadie

No bridal party, no veil, no bouquet toss, no stress…..no regrets!!! And I think my friends love me more for it, BTW:)

 
8.
Guest Icon
Guest
AMK

Right on. Sometimes you just have to let go of what’s not working. :)

 
9.
loveletter
Member
loveletter (message)  96 posts, Worker bee

I think you made the right choice Miss Lovebug! It sounds like there was too much drama going on.

I know someone who fired her Maid-of-Honor a couple of weeks before the wedding. She found out that her best friend had been lying to her about a bunch of things, and that this girl had been having a secret relationship with a married man for months. She didn’t want someone standing beside her as she said her vows who had helped somebody else break theirs. I don’t blame her.

Unfortunately, they also let go one of the groomsmen, to have even numbers. I felt bad for the guy.. he didnt do anything wrong!

 
10.
Member Icon
Member
amysue (message)  1,492 posts, Bumble bee

I’d rather not have one, but FI is insisting…siiigh!

 
11.
Guest Icon
Guest
Lalitaly

I won’t have a wedding party, cos’ it doesn’t exist here on the other side of the planet.
and if it did, i probably wouldn’t want to put that weight on my friends, i want them to be my guests and enjoy the day and dress however they like.
and i’ll have no veil as well, no garter, but haven’t decided if i’ll walk by the aisle with my dad that hasn’t even wrote a card for me on christmas.

 
12.
Guest Icon
Guest
E

Thanks Miss Lovebug…I’m going through a similar situation with one of my bridesmaids but i know there will be a lot of hurt feelings so I’m debating…

 
13.
Guest Icon
Guest
hp

I didn’t have a wedding party for my wedding and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. As it turns out, my relationship with the friend who would’ve been my MOH dissolved months before my wedding. But it was for the best, and I was doubly relieved that I didn’t have to worry about how it affected my bridal party. I still had great friends who stepped in to host a shower, bachelorette, etc., and I honestly did not miss having other people standing up there with me.

I know people say this all the time, but really, do what YOU what to do! No one will miss what’s not there! Best of luck!

 
14.
Angel
Member
Angel (message)  1,263 posts, Bumble bee

Good move Miss Lovebug…and well done. I didn’t think it was possible. You’ll have to let us know if there are any permanant hard feelings because of it.

One person each for us, and so much easier because of it. They were both in college and super busy, so we just asked them to show up. I spent one day with my MOH dress shopping, and my guy spent a few hours at the tux shop with his BM and that was it.

 
15.
Guest Icon
Guest
Jean

We’re not having a bridal party either and trust me when I say that I truly believe it has been one of the best decisions during the planning phase so far!!

No worries Miss Lovebug - I’m not doing a garter or bouquet toss either. Plus, I’m wearing a nontraditional veil…hehe.

 
16.
Guest Icon
Guest
Cali

I didn’t have a wedding party either. We had a destination wedding in Hawaii, and so not only did I think it would be a huge hassle to organize the whole wedding party to have the proper attire, etc, I just thought it would be an additional financial burden on people who were already honoring us with their presence at our faraway wedding. I did have flower girls though, but they didn’t have matching dresses or anything, just sweet girls walking down the aisle together throwing rose petals.

 
17.
Guest Icon
Guest
Lucy

I’d like to congratulate you on the brilliant use of not one, but two SAT words. :) I’m teasing you a little, but I really do love your writing style. Glad to have you back!

 
18.
Guest Icon
Guest
Missy Jenn

I think that’s pretty awesome of you..with the attitude of “you know, whatever…!” It’s YOUR wedding and if ppl you wanted to be included can’t get their act together e.g. not really have their heart in it to be part of the “special” group, then I say to heck with it. Think of it this way..you won’t have to worry about things that involve them (especially buying them thank-you gifts, which surely will be saving you money to put better elsewhere=GOOD THING) and I’m sure now, the whole process will be simpler…..congratulations to you! ;-)

(actually you’re giving me second thoughts now about being a bridesmaid to my BFF’s wedding but I’m not sure her attitude will be the same as yours….)

 
19.
Guest Icon
Guest
trish

My fiance and I decided not to have a bridal party from the beginning for multiple reasons.

I figure it’ll be better this way: my friends don’t have to spend money on a dress they’ll never wear again, I don’t have to pretend I like it…etc.

But I think the best part of the plan is that the people I would have asked to be in the bridal party, I’m going to ask to be with me the day of to get ready. All of the benefits, none of the burden. :-)

 
20.
Guest Icon
Guest
KaSandra

I fired our BP also!!! It was just becoming too much stress. People were not living up to the expectations. We have been engaged almost 2 years and the girls couldn’t find a simple black dress. The men couldn’t afford their tux’s so we said thank’s but no thanks

 
1 2 3 

Leave a Reply


You can also just...

Newer blog post
more in Blog
Older blog post
Newer blog post by Mrs. Lovebug
more by Mrs. Lovebug (oldest)
Older blog post by Mrs. Lovebug

Visit our sister sites eHarmony
Online Dating
eHarmony Advice
Dating Advice
Project Wedding
Wedding Songs
JustMommies
Pregnancy Calendar

Copyright 2004-2012, Weddingbee.com
 

Find your vendors on Weddingbee

Real reviews from brides in your area!

Favors by Weddingbee

  • Favors by season

Shop Now »

Mrs. Lovebug
Mrs. Lovebug

Mrs. Lovebug, Tucson Age and Occupation in 06: 31, Writer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Professional Game Show Contestant Engagement Date: February 18, 2007 Wedding Date: April 19, 2008 Venue: Historic Inn About Me: Likes: blogging, wikis, semi-colons, cuddling, fragrant flowers, syntax, and spooning. Dislikes: typos, dangling modifiers, flypaper, citronella candles, and run-ons. If I had my druthers, I'd exchange simple vows in a candlelit library. But I lost my druthers long ago...anyone seen them?

Boards
Classifieds

Blog Calendar
February 2012
SunMonTueWedThuFriSat
2930311234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
26272829

Weddingbee Bios
Wiki
More