Wedding Blog
Although I’m going a bit traditional and having both of my parents walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, I’m still not a big fan of the whole “who gives this woman” thing. I’m 27 — I’ll be 28 by the time we get married — and I don’t think I need to be “given away” by anyone. Our walk down the aisle will certainly mean a lot to me, but I feel that it is more symbolic of my love for my parents, their love for me, and their support of my relationship with Mr. Cupcake; it doesn’t need to be translated into me being handed over like an object. I’ve been a pretty independent person since going away to college, and I have lived away from my parents entirely since I was 22. I like to think that I am my own person who can stand on her own two feet without anyone else having to support me.
This weekend, while catching up on some episodes of “Brothers & Sisters” on my DVR, I happened to catch the episode where Calista Flockhart and Rob Lowe’s characters got married. After Sally Field walked her daughter down the aisle, the minister asked “who gives this woman?”, to which Sally Field proudly replied, “she gives herself freely, with my love and support.” What a perfect and appropriate reply for an independent woman of the twenty-first century!
I know it’s only television, but I really liked this response, and it got me thinking about what I’d like my parents to say if asked this question during our ceremony. A response like this seems a lot more relevant in this day and age, and I think it reflects the free-thinking person my parents raised me to be.
What do you think? Stick with tradition, or get a little creative to make things more relevant to the era in which we live?
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I LOVE that response! I’m going to tell Mr. JCM but I won’t tell him it was on TV because he would reject it just based on that.
That line *speaks* to me!
I filed that same quote away for future reference, too! I thought it was the perfect sentiment 
My dad is planning to say - She gives herself freely, with her mother’s love and my blessing. I tear up whenever I think about it.
Oohhh….love that! I had nixed that whole part too, but I think “she gives herself freely with the love and support of her family and friends” would be perfect - we have lots of parents!
Our minister aaked “Who pledges the good will of the families of this couple?” and all of our parents answered “We do.”
The perfect solution for us - no giving away, and we included both families.
Although I agree with the sentiment, I’m all about the traditional ceremony, and even though I’ve lived away from home since I was 16, I want to hear my father say, “Her mother and I do.” Then again, I also am against writing my own vows. The Episcopal Book of Common Prayer did it better than I could, so I’m sticking with that.
Ooh, that’s awesome! I hadn’t even thought about this yet, but I love that response too, and I totally vote for getting creative with this element of the traditional ceremony to make it more relevant! My gut reaction to TV-inspired wedding moments would be similar to Mr. JCM’s - but it sort of goes along with what you were saying yesterday about finding inspiration in unlikely places! Thanks for bringing this up.
Being a traditional kind of gal, I went the traditional route. My pastor explained the “giving away” statement to my husband, parents and me so well, and I just loved the meaning and sentiment behind it, especially after the way he explained it.
This is what he said, “God gave you to your parents and now your parents are giving you back to God.” *Dad takes my hand out of his and gives it to our pastor, who is God’s representative at the wedding.*
“And now, God is giving you and husband to each other.” *Places my hand in husband’s hand*
I wasn’t “given away” to my husband, but given back to God and then my husband and I were given to each other — ahhh… I just love that!
That’s a great response. I honestly can’t remember that part of the ceremony, but I know I thought about the same thing. My mom walked me down the aisle, and it was wonderdul.
I was always worried about this part of the ceremony, until I learned that there was no “giving away” section of the Catholic sacrament.
I love that line though… nice and modern!
our officiant wrote our ceremony and didnt include any of that. she wants me to walk down the aisle and have my father just give me to my FH. They’ll hug, we’ll hug and that’ll be it. no words exchanged. but i do love sally field’s response! i would go with that if i had the choice.
That’s a great response. I had also filed it away when I saw that episode. Before I got to the end of this post, I was even planning on quoting it in the comments!
I love the response! I don’t have to worry about it in a Jewish ceremony, but I really like that it doesn’t imply that you’re suddenly up and leaving your parents for a husband.
Being Catholic, that part is not included in our ceremony. You could always just cut that line out and have your parents escort you up the aisle.
I’m sorta not happy with the idea of “giving away” either - so, actually, our JP gave us a WHOLE LIST of stuff that you can say instead - all along the lines of, “who comes in love and support of…” etc… I don’t remember, but whatever it was, it didn’t offend me. 
Do it! It’s such a perfect response for a modern day woman, while still including your parents. What a great and totally steal-able idea….YOINK!
I’m all for the new one! I was wondering myself what would be said as my dad won’t be the only one “giving me away”, there’s my step dad and step mom, plus my mom. Somehow “Her other dad and two moms and I do” doesn’t roll off the tounge so well…
Thank you for solving one of my biggest wedding issues!
Our officiant…
(a) coached all the guests to respond “We do!” just prior to the processional; and
(b) somehow managed to accidentally leave it out of the ceremony altogether.
I think it’s completely personal choice. Me, I want my dad, mom, and sister to give me away.
Sweeney2Be, I was at a wedding once where everyone in the family had a part in giving the bride away, ie. “Her mother” “Her Brothers” “and I.” It was touching because everyone was included, but funny enough that it wasn’t awkward.
whether the traditional or contemporary approach, i think it’s all about how you think about your wedding.
for me, the part where our parents say “I do” it’s not really about us; it’s about them. So take the movie for example, sally field’s character obviously was that kind of mother who raised independent and strong women. but the part where she gave her daughter away; that was about her. and that’s how i always thought about that part of the wedding ceremony.
so maybe it’s something you may want to discuss with your parents - what they’d like to say or how they feel about it. b/c for some parents, like mine, when they said “her mother and i do,” they really meant it. for them, it was a separation, a giving away of a child that, while they are tremendously happy for me, their hearts were sore for them. and i respect that and was touched by it.
i like sally field. she’s cool.
I forget what our minister said, if you can believe it. LOL. I’d have to watch our video again to be sure. I love that response from Brothers & Sisters though.
For both my sister and me, our dad walked us down the aisle, and for both ceremonies (one Unitarian, one Catholic) he didn’t actually say anything. He did, however, hug both my BIL and my husband, and he gave both my sister and me a kiss… it was just a nice moment, and I felt like it was a “welcome to the family” for the guys.
Our mother, who’s a glass-ceiling-breaking feminist for the most part, didn’t want to walk with us. At both weddings she relished sitting in the front row and crying when we walked up. She later said that seeing Dad walk up the aisle with my sister - their first child, and the first to marry - was the most emotional part of that wedding for her. If you want to include your mom in some way, I’d recommend you ask what she wants to do… you might be surprised!
I too hated the idea of being “given away”! DH and I decided that we wanted to get rid of that part of the ceremony and do something a little more meaningful so after my dad lifted my veil and passed me to DH he went to sit down….then the preacher had both sets of parents stand and give “parental vows” (that what we called them!). They basically vowed to support us in our marriage, accept their SIL or DIL as a true son/daughter….etc.
It was so much more meaningful and thoughtful than being given away!!
[...] gives herself freely with our love and support.” I loved that special touch! (Something I picked up from an episode of Brothers & Sisters, no less. [...]
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Mrs. Cupcake, Philadelphia
Age and Occupation: 27, Graphic Designer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Construction Project Manager
Engagement Date: February 10, 2007
Wedding Date: September, 2008
Blogging Since: December 7, 2007
Venue: The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA
About Me: Mr. Cupcake and I hit it off at a Halloween party and immediately began a long-distance relationship. After two years, he moved to my neck of the woods, and a year and a half after that, he proposed at the “place we fell in love.” I am a true perfectionist who enjoys designing and creating more work for myself, so wedding planning is my perfect outlet. Mr. Cupcake and I are both old souls, and we hope to weave that aspect of our personalities into our wedding day.
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