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As a blogger and as a blog reader, I’ve found it funny how many landmines there can be when planning a wedding. As strange as it sounds, it seems like, a lot of the time, once the initial engagement excitement dies down and you start to think about the logistics of it all, suddenly there are a million people who want to know what all your plans are. And those million people also seem to come with a million opinions and expectations of what your day should and shouldn’t be like.
While I would say, for the most part, that the people around Mr. Hummingbird and I have been supportive of our plans and ideas, it completely stuns me sometimes to hear stories from other brides about family or wedding attendees being genuinely hard on them for the choices they’ve made for their big day. According to people I’ve spoken with and things I’ve read, these seem to be the big topics of contention.
1. No kids – A lot of parents find the “no kids” rule to be insulting to their offspring.
2. Untraditional dress/ring – Not wearing a white dress or a big rock of a ring raises the ire of many a traditional mom.
3. Cash bar – Guests don’t like cracking open their wallets to pay for their drinks.
4. Different sex bridal party – Many can’t understand why you wouldn’t want a gaggle of your best gal pals beside you on your big day.
5. Dad walking down the aisle – Some insist that it’s a father’s right while other complain it makes you look like a piece of property.
6. No traditional wedding cake/plated meal – The seated meal and the big white cake still seem to be the standard for most.
7. Destination wedding – You risk cutting your guest list in half as many people refuse to travel.
8. No flowers – Not carrying a rose bouquet is crazy to some people.
9. No dancing – But isn’t that what you’re supposed to do after a wedding?!
10. Name changing – Much like the dad aisle walk, some assume that is just what should happen while others will shame you for bowing to the man.
Personally, I’ve probably unintentionally irked people by my lack of attention to/unwillingness to do the expected. My dress is not a fully traditional one and I don’t plan on wearing a veil. My current engagement ring (after the designer debacle) cost somewhere between $30-$40. I’m having one of my best guy friends stand next to me. We’re having a few dozen mini cakes and I probably won’t be changing my name for a while after we marry (if at all).
And as for the traditional things we are doing, we’re not doing them because of any sort of rule or because of outside pressure, but because we really wanted to. I want to be able to cut a rug with my grandpa after I get married. I want to be able to hang out with my dad leading up to the ceremony and walk with him. I want to be able to celebrate with everyone we love (kids included, if their parents choose to bring them).
While there are certain things I completely agree with without question when it comes to planning a wedding (spending time with the people you invited and making sure your menu caters to people with dietary restrictions), I think a lot of what’s “expected” has fallen by the wayside over time and that people should really just do what they want.
As I have had a few “Are you serious?!?” and “Oh. That’s nice.” disappointment bombs dropped on me since I started planning, I’m opening the door for a full-out planning dump session – Has anyone gotten on you for any of the wedding decisions you’ve made? How did you handle it? Is there anything you are completely for or against when it comes to wedding planning?
(P.S. Doing another chat tonight at 6PM EST so hope to “see” some of you there! 
)
Good list- I’ve been shocked at how many people are so full of reactions to #2 (the dress) & #10 (name changing).
I guess I thought those were traditions that people would be more used to changes in(while some of the others on the list I thought were good ideas, but might still raise some eyebrows). It surprises me how important it is to many of my family & friends that I wear a beaded, white, poufy dress when I marry a man whose last name I should make my own.
I think our biggest issue will be #6. I was recently diagnosed with a gluten intolerance, which means all mainstream wedding cakes are out the window. And gosh darn it, if I can’t eat the big, expensive cake, then what’s the point in having one? The (current) plan is to have two large sheet cakes, one vanilla, one chocolate, and a small gluten free cake displayed between the two for FI and I to cut. It’s not traditional at all or what I originally wanted, but it cuts a HUGE chunk out of our budget, since I can make all of it myself.
I think it’s interesting that a plated dinner is seen as traditional. I’ve heard of a cake and punch reception and my parents said it was just becoming common to serve appetizers during their wedding (in the 70s). Sure, a lot of people who could afford it might have done it, but it seems like only lately have weddings become the huge extravaganza.
Also, a lot of sources for things being “traditional” are in fact marketing. You’d be surprised how many things are marketed as traditional, when they never were, or as heirlooms, which only become heirlooms when they are passed down through generations.
I had my first “opposition” this weekend. His mother and uncle are the 2 most outspoken, “the only thing that’s right is what they think is right” people in his family. We were discussing my dress, which is a red Maggie Sottero, and his uncle just turned to me and said “No, you have to wear white”. And my shy self just looked at him and said “No, I don’t.” Hehe, it’s going to be a long road ahead. 
His brother also couldn’t believe we were seeing each other before the ceremony. But, that wasn’t a huge deal.
We have very unique ideas that I believe we can pull off if we do it right; I’m actually looking forward to their reactions because I’m not sacrificing anything for them!
I just realized I said “very unique”- horrible grammar, sorry!
My FH has seen my dress AND seen me in the style of my dress (but not the ACTUAL dress that I will walk down the aisle in). Many people are horrified by that. Why? I wanted his opinion. It’s not like it’s going to make our wedding day any less special.
This is an interesting post because I feel shunned because I AM having a very traditional ceremony. No walking down the aisle to Billy Joel or writing our own vows for us. I’m all about the organ music and reciting (more or less) the same vows my parents and their parents did. I’m also getting married in a church, and we are having communion as part of our service. I feel like doing our service this way is more an expression of who I am than if I were to write it myself.
Yeah… I have had a few eyebrows raise since I started my planning. Use of the color black. My mom flipped over this one. My colors are Black, ivory, and pink (flamingo pink). My Brides maids are wearing black and the men will be in black with pink ties. She told me it was “so morbid”.
We also aren’t having a bunch of kids at our reception. I have gotten a few “Oh really” comments over that but no biggie.
Big fancy sit down, nope not us. We are having a cocktail reception with only a finger food buffet because it was so much cheaper and I like that kind of food. A little of everything is my kind of meal.
I know there will be comments made about certain things but my finace and I will be happy and isn’t that what a wedding is about?
I love my wedding and all the things we’ve planned and that’s all that matters.
OMG, it’s amazing isn’t it!
I mentioned using peacock feather’s as accent for my flowers and decor and my FMIL said, “oh honey..well have to talk about that!?” excuse me? guess what, now I want them more then EVER! HA!
Just keep remembering that it’s your day, your way..! I almost now enjoy the shocked looks on ppls faces when I tell them, we are not having a bouquet toss or garter toss or whatever else they expected!
I feel you on this. My MOH is still a tad touchy on the topic of cupcakes to this day. I told her it’s my day, my way.
Also, I’m having to do a bit of hand holding to get all my BMs to buy DIFFERENT black tea length dresses. You’d think they’d be excited at the prospect of a dress that they picked out for themselves that they could wear again - but no, they want to be the wedding drones I’m trying to avoid!!
I have to say, I agree on all except #3.
I’ll always think it’s a bit tacky to make people you have invited as guests pay for their hospitality. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a limited bar or dry reception, just like there’s nothing wrong with the other things on your list.
I’m actually getting opposition on stuff from my FH. LOL He absolutely wants to know nothing about my dress. I say, “Well, it’s white” and that’s already TMI.
The biggest issue is the name change, though. I am not a fan of this practice but my fiance takes it very seriously and my family was shocked to hear I would even think about not changing my name. I have a feeling I’m going to hear about it for a while (for the record, I will probably add his name to mine so that my last name is “MyLast HisLast” with no hyphen).
I also didn’t want to get married in a church since I’m not a big believer but it’s VERY important to my parents so I didn’t argue that point either. I have to draw the line there, though, otherwise it’s not going to feel like me anymore. The day has to be about you in the end but it’s incredible how many people think it’s about them.
The fact that my FI has seen pictures of my dress, and me trying it on has shocked some people. My BM was really giving me a hard time about it saying it will “ruin the surprise”. I just never quite got *why* it needed to be a surprise? I know what his tux looks like. We’re having a wedding to get married, not to surprise him with a dress. I pretty sure he’ll be happy with the way I look, even if it’s not a surprise. Besides, I care more what he thinks about the dress than anyone else at the wedding, so why wouldn’t I want his opinion before I buy it?
As far as your list, I don’t see that #3 can really be tossed out with the excuse that you’re “bucking tradition”. You’re either polite and pay for your guests, or you’re rude and you charge them for drinks. Cash bars are rude. I would never invite someone over to my house and charge them for alcohol. If you are hosting a party, you provide the refreshments.
I’m a pretty traditional gal myself, and I have actally been given a lot of slack for some of my choices… wanting to change my name, waiting til we are married to live together, not wanting to see my groom before the wedding. I’ve actually been asked, “are you crazy?”
So I have a lot of sympathy for everyone who has to deal with this kind of stuff.. but some of the more traditional choices are starting to get this kind of reaction too.
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2270/2182465116_f18e2495bb_o.jpg
(as promised!)
my opposition:
1)”the walk” (see post below)
2) not inviting kids
3) not having “colors”
4) bridal party not matching (bms wearing whatever black dress they want, groom and gm wearing a dark suit)
Most people are supportive, but I get the ol’ raised eyebrow from the staunch traditionalists.
everything so far has been an issue! the date (”too near the holidays”); the location (”why would you have it there if none of our family lives there?!”); and worst of all, the religious aspect of the ceremony (”it’s NOT a Catholic wedding?!”). argh. deep breaths and alcohol are my friends.
ugh. I hear you sisters!
I got grief from my family because I am getting married where I live and not where I grew up. My Main of Honor thinks I’m nuts for letting the bridal party wear what they want. I can’t wait to tell them I am getting married in a hotel lobby! My fam is hard core catholic (mom goes to church EVERY day!). No church wedding here. They are going to have a cow.
This was a really good post. I found myself thinking about it several times yesterday. It reminds me of some of the articles on MSN.com
I’ve found that sometimes it’s just easier to go along with what people’s expectations are (especially the two mom’s), to save a lot of hassle. Especially b/c I’m trying to take a very easy-going approach to this wedding! “it’s just one day”
We made some untraditional tweaks to traditional choices (short, casual dress; both parents walked me down the aisle), and nobody complained. In the end, we received overwhelming praise for the whole thing!
The one thing we did get minor resistance on was our refusal to register for gifts. We didn’t need goods and we certainly didn’t expect cash, but people kept telling me “People are going to want to give you gifts!” I figured they could either take me at my word or pick something on their own…and everything came out fine.
Not including kids — at the wedding or in the wedding — has been our biggest point of contention, but mainly just with my two aunts. One has since gotten over it and is relishing an adults-only weekend, the other is refusing to attend if her kids can’t attend (who are old enough to hang out in the hotel room during the wedding and reception anyway). But I view that as her issue, not mine.
To a lesser degree, some eyebrows were raised about us having a “destination” wedding on the college campus where we met many years ago.
I made these decisions because they were the best for me, my fiance and our immediate families. But I also prepared myself for the consequences — just as there are consequences with any decision. Because of the travel involved and because kids aren’t invited, I understand some people may not be able to attend. But I have to live with it.
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Mrs. Hummingbird, Toronto Age and Occupation: 25, Publishing Coordinator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Videogame Designer/Cartoonist Engagement Date: May 4, 2007 Wedding Date: June 28, 2008 Blogging Since: September 18, 2007 Venue: A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property. About Me: I’m a pop culture loving, vintage obsessed foodie living in Canada’s biggest city with my fantastic fiancé and our lovable fluffy cat Bettie. I’m stoked to marry my best friend and to throw what I hope will be the most fun and colourful party of our lives.
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