Mrs. Petunia, Ft. Lauderdale
Age and Occupation: 31, College Professor
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Student/Part-time Barista
Engagement Date: December 8, 2006
Wedding Date: March 2, 2008
Venue: Riverside Hotel
Blogging Since: August 6, 2007
About Me: Our original idea of running off to get married quickly turned into an event with 100+ guests once other people got involved and I, too, got swept away in the lovely madness that is wedding planning. Mr. Petunia and I are obsessed with all things World of Warcraft, Monopoly, and Nintendo, so we’re planning on including some fun “game-y” details into our wedding.
Thank You’s: Etiquette Woes
January 16th, 2008 @ 2:56 pm by Mrs. Petunia
These days, with the bridal shower just behind us and less than 2 months to our wedding, gifts are finding their way to our home in all sorts of ways. They found their way to the shower in the most traditional of ways: people brought them, and since I opened them there as part of the festivities, I knew who brought what and why (no question that something was a bridal shower gift).
So writing the thank you note for my lovely glass domed cake plate will be - well, a piece of cake. (By the way, I loved Mrs. Kiwi’s recent post about becoming a grown up! I have to admit that I’m starting to feel like one receiving these gifts. I never thought my cakes/cupcakes needed a glass home before, but now I wonder how I ever left them homeless without it, and walking out of that shower knowing I was the proud owner of things like these did in fact make me feel, for whatever reasons, like more of an adult…).
But then the lovely people at Macy’s/Wedding Channel complicated the whole thank-you note business for me. Turns out if someone purchases something from your list online, to be shipped directly to you, that just happens to be back-ordered, you’ll get an email about it. The email will tell you who purchased what, what the gift note says and when you can expect it. I wondered though: did the purchaser know that I’d been made aware of this? I called Macy’s/Wedding Channel to find out and in fact, the purchaser does not know this email has been sent to you. So I knew my amazing friend had purchased three of these flatware place settings for me, but she doesn’t know that I know.
Now, was this gift a shower gift? The e-mail arrived the day before the shower. But honestly, this is quite an extravagant gift! I wouldn’t have expected anyone to purchase three place settings period, let alone as a shower gift, since I know that often, those same people go out and buy a wedding gift as well, though they certainly don’t have to! But I wasn’t sure if at the shower I needed to have acknowledged the e-mail, and in fact, I didn’t - so I feel like a schmuck about it. Truth is, I should just acknowledge it as a gift — period — not as a gift for any one event in particular. But I complicate myself because I have thank you stationery for the shower and thank you stationery for the wedding. I’ve decided that since she attended the shower, I’ll acknowledge the gift on that card, and even so after the wedding, I’ll re-acknowledge the gift and her presence at the wedding on the other stationery later.
Then another gift arrived at the house yesterday — from someone who’d been invited to the shower but couldn’t make it. She’s also attending the wedding though. Shower gift? Wedding gift? Gift gift? If she wasn’t at the shower, shouldn’t I not use the shower thank you stationery? And to make things worse, my wedding stationery has my married name on it, which means that “etiquette” wise, I’m not supposed to use it until after the wedding! I had no idea all this thank you business would be so complicated.
And if you receive a wedding gift before the actual wedding but the purchaser also attends the wedding, is the right thing to do to also write another thank you note after the wedding thanking that person for coming?
I’d appreciate the help with what I don’t know, and I’ll share what I do know (which isn’t much, clearly). We have also received some cash/checks.
According to my trusty Emily Post Etiquette book, one is supposed to make sure and refer to the intended use for the money, as in “Thank you so much for the fifty-dollar check. We’re saving for a crystal punch bowl set and your gift will really help us.”One is also supposed to do the following:
- “express appreciation for the specific gift” without ever indicating that you don’t like it, can’t use it or want to exchange it
- “show interest in the gift giver, not just the gift,” as in “I hope we’ll get to see you soon. We’d love to hear about your trip to Canada.”
- “add some personal information,” meaning that if you don’t really know the people who gave you the gift well or you don’t see them often, you should tell them something about yourselves
I’d hoped to be a good girl who worked on her thank you’s diligently, but it appears I have become a crazy woman bogged down by all these etiquette rules: help?
25 Responses to “Thank You’s: Etiquette Woes”
I would send a thank you note once you actually receive the gift, not from the email.
one note: I think when people give you a cash gift, you’re supposed to thank them for their generosity, not the specific amount.
so, it should say: “thank you for your generosity. we’re saving for a crystal glass bowl…”
this entry is definitely helpful bc i would be doing the same thing, having different thank you cards for shower and wedding. someone had mentioned to me that, you are to buy the gift from the registry to bring to shower and then give money at the wedding? am i wrong in this, bc I did that for one of my friend’s wedding after finding out and I don’t think they were expecting that two different gifts? So is this not a common practice to do? i think i would be just as confused as you are over these thank you cards!
I’d send a TY for the gift upon recieving it (whether shower, wedding or unknown) and then a TY for coming (if you recieved a wedding gift early) with your wedding TY notes!
People usually give gifts for showers and money for weddings but at all the weddings I’ve been to there has been a gift table with some presents on it. I guess it just depends on the guest!
Never send a thank-you note before you have received the actual gift (even if an email tells you it is on the way). Fact is, the gift may not even be intended for you. At many stores if thegift giver purchases an item off your registry, plus something else for themselves (or someone else) and pays for them in the same transaction, both items will show up as purchased on your registry (even if the second item was never on your registry in the first place!). The gift giver may have seen the silverware on your registry and liked it so much they bought a set for themselves. They would be very confused to receive a note for a gift they didn’t intend to give!
Miss Petunia… I love that you have shower and wedding thank you notes, I may have to do that myself, and add an “Ambiguous I’m not sure set of notes” as well!
Just a quick note to clarify: the email does include the gift note the person wrote, which does say that they purchased the place settings with the intention that they were for us, but either way, perhaps I should just say thank you for attending the shower…
Also, Emily Post’s book does give an example citing the exact money amount of a gift: do other sources contradict this?
I have the same cake dome platter thingy! I’ve always wanted one… but dang, its heavy! Now I need more reasons to bake and put stuff IN it. It’s currently sitting empty on my counter.
Mrs. Emerald: I think that technically, one is not supposed to use wedding gifts until after the wedding, but I baked cupcakes last night and we put them in there - lol!
And Buckeye — I wrote this post this morning and then I thought of exactly what you said! =)
I went out and got a third set of note cards! I’m bummed that they’re not exactly as perfect as the other ones…French theme for the shower, matching our invitation stationery for the wedding, but hey, it was the best I could do, and at least they match our colors!
snmcdowell, I’m glad you mentioned that that happens, because my husband and I were totally confused when we checked our online registry (gasp! how bold of us), and it said a set of silverware and a clock we had registered for had been purchased…flashforward to our wedding, and we never received either gift! there’s no way for the store to be able to tell you who might have purchased them, and no one has come forward to ask if we ever received the gifts! Maybe they just liked our taste & bought a little something for themselves while shopping!
Sidenote: I *really* think there should be some sort of gift received/confirmation service available, since I’ve given gifts, never received a TY for them, didn’t want to be rude & outright ask if the gift had been received and not acknowledged, and all the while I’m left wondering if my poor little gift is sitting alone on a UPS truck somewhere!
Miss Petunia, please save yourself some stress. Run out to Hallmark or Target and pick up some plain notes for thank-yous. After you write the first few notes, you should have the “form-letter” thank-you down, and you just need to fill in the blanks. This will tide you over for the next hundred or so shower or wedding gifts. You will become an old hand at this by the time your 1st baby shower rolls around.
Don’t worry about being so precise with the money gifts - what is Emily thinking? It’s perfectly OK to say “Thank you for your generous gift”. The etiquette police will be so delighted that you are writing nice thank-yous in a timely manner that they won’t look it up.
Please enjoy your wonderful presents!
I really don’t think that you need to acknowledge the email that the person sent you a gift. I think you should just wait until the actual gifts arrives. Otherwise what happens if it was mistake (even if they did send the note along with it in the email and it’s 99.9999% sure it’s not a mistake). Plus if the person doesn’t know the email is sent they might be sad that the surprise was ruined.
Also, citing the amount of money someone gave you? I think that’s strange. I would just write, “Thank you for the generous gift! We look forward to shopping for XXX” or We will be sure to use this for XXX on our honeymoon!” (or if you sednn them after the honeymoon then say what you did with it. i.e. “Thank you for the generous gift! We put it towards a scuba diving lesson at the Great Barrier Reef!”
Anyway, don’t stress yourself too much. A heartfelt thank you is the most important thing.
That cake plate is gorgeous! Do you know where I could find one like it?
I would actually call the store again and find out if *they* know the item is backordered. Because if so, I would write the TY after you get the gift. If they don’t know, then I would write it now.
Seems like you’ve got the TY notepaper worked out.
Attendance at an event in honor of you is a gift of their time, so you always should write a thank you note for wedding and shower attendees even if there is not a gift to thank them for too.
And I always thank money gifts by mentioning a way of spending it, “Thank you for your generous gift. We’ve been thinking about going parasailing on the honeymoon, so now we’ll think of you when we are gliding through the sky.”
Or “Our new house is quite the fixer-upper, so we’re grateful for the help in buying the “puce-peach” paint for the guestroom - can’t wait for you to come and visit!”
I always thought thank you notes were only for gifts, not for attendance. If they didn’t give a gift, they don’t get a thank you note (I don’t mean that to sound harsh!); my point is: I wouldn’t worry about sending thank you notes for the gifts and then feel like you’re supposed to send a thank you note for attending the shower/wedding. Thank them for the gift and you’re covered.
I also thought that you’re not supposed to put the exact amount of a monetary gift, e.g. Thank you for your very generous gift. Probably not a big deal, but I felt more comfortable not specifying the dollar amount… the amount isn’t important anyway (the act of giving is the important part, right?) so I figured its best to avoid specifying altogether.
Oh, and I’d wait to write the note until you receive the gift. Just in case.
It really is so much to think about and drive yourself crazy over! 
Yes, we’re started to receive gifts from our registry and we don’t get married for 5 weeks. I want to send out thank you cards with our wedding photo on so necessarily can’t send thm at the moment, but I feel guilty about no thanking people straight away!
I would definitely wait until you receive the gift–not just go off an e-mail that the item is back-ordered. Since more people are buying gifts online & sending them directly to the recipient, a Thank You note works partially as a note of receipt as well as an expression of thanks.
As for which stationary to use for which–if the giver doesn’t cite what event the gift is “for” when it’s sent between the shower & wedding and they’re attending both, then I would think you shouldn’t mention which event it’s “for” when you write the TY (and choose stationary that isn’t necessarily one or the other). The giver may’ve even lumped both events into one gift. Afterall, all of the gifts are ultimately for you & your FI in your future life together–not admittance tickets, as Ms. Post likes to point out.
One more thing… I think Crane & Co. is pretty helpful. Check out this link:
http://www.crane.com/etiquette.aspx?C=WeddingEtiquette&S=After_The_Wedding&I=Writing_Tips
Hope that helps (and doesn’t confuse you further)!
Wow! What a post. My advice: deep breath, relax, and write the notes promptly on whatever stationery you think you are more likely to have extras of. If you have not yet actually RECEIVED the gift, mention that fact, so that the gift giver can follow up later, if needed. For instance:
Dear Mary,
Thank you for your generous gift of flatware! I cannot wait to have you over for dinner using it! Macy’s sent me an email today explaining that it will be arriving in 6-8 weeks, and apologizing for the delay, so perhaps we could shoot for late March.
Sincerely,
Me
Honestly I didn’t write ANY thank-you notes until after the wedding, even though we received some gifts months in advance. One reason for doing this is because I knew I would want a picture from our wedding day on the front of the thank-you card, and I wanted to make sure that everyone received the same card. I think etiquette says that you have until three months after your wedding to send thank-you cards?
I did send out thank-you’s for shower gifts right away though.
I have to agree and say wait until you have received the gift. My little story why…
A couple of years ago I purchased wine glasses as a gift off of a registry and paid to have it gift wrapped through the store (I like how Potterybarn does it). I had the item shipped to me as I planned to add other items to it from other registries (wine, cheese knives, cutting board, etc) to make a big gift. I was quite shocked to receive a Thank You note from the bride for the wine glasses when they were wrapped sitting in my house (the wedding was still a month away). I was upset with Potterybarn for giving the information and with the bride for her lack of etiquette/manners.
Jess: The cake dome is from Williams-Sonoma =)
I will hold off on mentioning the email/place-settings, thank you all! I do have to say though that all these etiquette rules do make it so hard, don’t they? In the end, I think a lot of people try to do the right thing and then it ends up coming out the wrong way. Someone may think, hey, I bought something, why hasn’t she acknowledged it?, especially if the store doesn’t tell them an item is backordered, etc. And then if you do acknowledge it they may think it rude because you didn’t actually yet get it! Oh well, all I can do is try my best!
I put that domed cake plate on my Williams Sonoma registry– isn’t it awesome how you flip it over and it’s a punch bowl?? I love a multi-tasker!
I have similar problems, but I don’t have specific thank you cards. I just put referencing missing them at the shower (if they didn’t come, but were invited) and thanking them for the gift. If it’s closer to the wedding, I would say thank you and you hope to see them at the wedding.
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