Hijacking The Guest List
January 17th, 2008 @ 2:35 pm by Mrs. Donut
In true Southern style, Mama and Papa Donut are hosting our wedding and reception. Out of a sense of fairness, they offered me the same deal they offered my Sister Donut when she got married in 2001. They would pay X amount of money and then we would be responsible for anything over that amount. OK, cool. I know how lucky I am to have parents who are willing and able to help foot the wedding bill. So with parental blessings and a number in mind, we began planning our day.
One of the very first things Mr. Donut and I worked on together was our guest list. We have a certain kind of day in mind. We want to treat our guests to a really special weekend with lots of good food and drink, and plenty of things to see and do. Given that we have a pretty set budget, this means that the smaller the party, the more the trimmings, which is great, since we want to spend our day with a few people who are truly special to us, not a bunch of people neither of us know. So, we set some rules for ourselves:
1) First, we didn’t want to invite people out of politeness or some sense of duty and then hope that they didn’t show up so we could make our numbers work. We made sure that everyone on the guest list was someone we’d actually like to see and that we had a reasonable belief might show up.
2) Family - We would invite immediate family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and first cousins only. There was one exception to this - Mr. Donut’s Great Aunt and Great Uncle, who he does actually see when he makes his way to the Homestead on the Prairie.
3) Friends - We invited people if we’ve corresponded with them at least twice in one year.
4) Family’s Friends - We invited them if they are our personal friends as well.
5) Based on the budget, we told my parents that they, as hosts, could invite 10 people as their personal guests in addition to those names on the list - many of which are their friends anyway. We would, of course, prefer these people to be folks that I would know or at least recognize, but that it was up to them.
We drew up a list with 56 “names” for a total of about 130 people and we sent it to our parents in October, asking them to make revisions. No one said anything. Not one word. We had a few important people to meet in January while we were home before we could absolutely nail down a time. Once that was done, though, I ordered 75 invitations thinking that ten or so would be plenty of wiggle room for the small wedding we wanted.
This morning I got an e-mail from Papa Donut. He’s been working very hard gathering the addresses for all the names on our list (which I am very grateful for)… and adding a few names of his own. Twenty two names, to be exact. Not ten. TWENTY TWO! Now I’m not very good at math, but even I know that there are now more names on the list than I have invitations to send out. Worst of all, 22 names represent roughly 50 more people, which totally blows the original budget!
Has anyone else experienced a hijacking? How did you handle it?
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25 Responses to “Hijacking The Guest List”
We are paying our wedding, though we gave my parents 20 guests (not couples, 20 people!). For every guest they went over, they offered to pay for the extra cost. When I told them how much it would be extra, they ended up cutting their guests down to 21 people.
For my fiance’s parents, we’re having a second reception in HK, which they are hosting and it’s all in their hands! I expect to show up, smile, and wave! :op
Yup! We sure did…. something very similar to be exact. My parents are also contributing “x” amount of dollars, which we can spend anyway we choose… wedding, house, savings.. whatever.
My Dad didn’t tell me until after we had estimated with the location, guest list and invites that he wanted to invite several of his friends, empolyees and partners. A few of which, I don’t even know. Never met in my life….
My first reaction was to get upset and frustrated. After all, there is a very set budget here, and those people put us over. Not to mention, the money was a gift to us, to spend however we choose, and I don’t even know these people. However, after I had a chance to sit down, and calmly think it over, I realized…. He’s giving us the money for this day. He is the reason this day is possible, and if he wants these people there for whatever reason, I can deal. I’ll just adjust. Truth is, there are probably a few we can cut on our end anyway. And if not, we’ll cut it from somewhere else. Its worth it to me to not create ill feelings between my parents and I about a day that we want to be fun for everyone involved.
All I can say is, I know the frustration. 
you should remind your dad that it’s a day to celebrate the bride and groom and those closest to them. they should really respect your wishes about having a smaller guest list, especially since he didn’t mention it until now. you might have temporary “ill feelings” but it will be worth it to stay within the budget and have the people you want there!
That happened to us right before we sent out the Save The Dates, only in was my future in-laws that did the hijaking by holding it over our head that they had paid for our venue (which we didn’t even know they had done and is a whole separate issue!)
For me it’s not about how much the people will cost, we just really wanted to have a small intimate wedding with the people we know & love. oh well, its just one day, right…
The exact same thing has just happened to me! I ordered 100, sending out 85 total. we added a couple on our own, and had a few envelope mistakes. So that was last week and I ordered 10 more to be safe. Then my dad calls and says he has a bunch more people to add! Aside from the fact that I have asked him every week if he had anyone else, we have a guest limit. we want 130-140. its up to 160 now. we are close with every member of our family, and are only inviting approx. 10 friends. I had to order more invites, and now pray some people just can’t make it. SO ANNOYING!!!
Definitely I gave each parent set 50 people to invite - and they went over a bit. But we negotiated and I thought we had the guest list. Then we have an engagement party (hosted by FMIL) and I find that there were at least 2 couples invited that weren’t on her guest list. Or even on early iterations of her guest list.
I’m ignoring it and not adding them to the wedding list since she’s never formally told me they were added.
Wellllll… my parents are contributing the most, so their list flies. Sorry, but that’s kind of how I view it — if your parents are footing the majority of the bill, it’s not so fair to limit them to 10 people. Now, you didn’t specify what percentage they are paying, so if their amount only totals 50% of the total budget, then completely disregard what I said. I’m basing this off the fact that they are contributing significantly more than either you or Mr. Donut’s family.
When we made our list, we knew exactly how many people we could invite (175). My parents made their list, my fiance’s mother made her list, and we got the “leftovers”. We have significantly fewer friends we get to invite , especially since we have the bridal party +1’s, but my parents are paying a lot, and I’m certainly not going to tell them they CAN’T invite their fraternity brothers/sorority sisters with whom they still keep in very close touch 35 years later so I can invite someone that I may or may not still be friendly with in 5 years.
When I got engaged, my parents and I sat down and drafted up an potential invite list for our side. We want the wedding to be a max of 150 attendees… Our side added up to 200! If we want to let the husband-to-be & his family invite anyone, obviously, the list would need to be chopped in half.
That was fun… I had to convince my mother to chop all her 1st cousins (yes they are fun! but seriously, 10 1st cousins, all married=20 ppl)… and my father’s extended family… my mother whimpered at every cut! But funny enough, had this evil little laugh with every one of my dad’s family we cut… kind of amusing! Anyway, we are still way over the number and it’s going to be interesting to figure out how to cut that number down more… We just have waaaaay too much family & family friends. I tried to institute guidelines similiar to Miss Donuts… no such luck so far!
We obviously still have work to do…
I went through a similar thing with my father for my first marriage (way back in the day). He thought that the parents should get 99% of the invites and we should get about 2 each.
I finally referred him to the line in the wedding ceremony (Episcopal, but I think a lot of faiths have a similar moment) when the minister says “Will you support this couple in their marriage?” and the congregation responds “WE WILL!”
I pointed out that it would be MY friends who would be supporting us, not his and that CLEARLY whoever designed the ceremony intended that the TRUE supporters of the couple be there, not just random party guests.
That said, I think you could negotiate with your parents to pay for the extra guests if they REALLY need them to be there (and just print up some cheapy invites for those extra peeps b/c they’ll never know the difference anyway!)
(Note that we still ended up inviting 700 people to the wedding b/c both sets of parents still went nuts– my FIL’s invited basically his entire tiny hometown! But we got A LOT of salad plates, so there was a small upside…hehe. 
Yes, my parents hijacked the list too. But in the end, they are paying and therefore giving me the weddings I have always dreamed of so if more of the budget is taken by their guests, so be it. I’ll find ways to save money somewhere else.
Sounds like you are in a pickle. While our parents have not hijacked the list- YET- I know it is coming, and thus we guard it under lock and key… we’ve basically presented our parents with these facts:
X number of people have been included in our current budgeting, all within the perameters of the numbers that my parents gave us…
Should the number of people exceed this number closer to the day, then the party responsible must then decide to
A-fork out the additional costs (meal/rentals/flowers/etc)
B-kindly un-invite said guest in a polite manor
Thus far, it has kept the numbers under control. While I suspect that there will be a few suprises here and there… the terms have been set firmly and I suggest you do the same. Let your parents know that you appreciate their generosity and that the initial list was made and all figures were based on that. While you would LOVE to have 50 more people there to cheer you on, it will mean that the budget given will need to expand on their end, not yours. Additionally, let them know that your list was tailored and trimmed so as to accomodate their guidelines and it would mean the world to you if they did the same with theirs.
Good luck…
-D
I’m cross at the moment. Originally my FI’s parents said they would pay for all the meals at our reception. We told them they could invite two people - as we were only having a very small wedding. They invited their two people…and then they asked for a third, who we invited…and then they basically emotionally blackmailed us into inviting two more people…which we reluctantly did. And now they’ve told us they’re only going to pay a certain amount towards the reception, which admittedly isn’t a huge amount less but certainly very annoying!!!
Doesn’t it seem to come up more when the addresses are being gathered?
I would have a sit down with your dad- just be upfront and honest. Tell him you budgeted for only those 10 people, and an additional x number of people will put you over budget x number of dollars- include table rentals, linens, centerpieces, invitations that have to be re-ordered, food, alcohol, favors, etc. When you put that information on paper, this helps him to “understand” what those “few” extra people actually costs… Giving him the numbers/ prices will probably help him become less upset if you decide to ask him to cut back some. Men usually understand better when things are broken down and simplified and I’ve never had a problem explaining something like that as long as it is in a spreadsheet- also that way you can prevent yourself from getting upset (possibly) while discussing this. Good luck!
reading this reminds me that for those who’s invite lists hasnt been hijaked yet… tell your parents they are allowed X # of guests, but plan for twice that # of people. it will probably save you the trouble of having to fight about it in the end.
Since my parents are paying for the wedding, I didn’t think it would be fair to come up with a list and then tell them they’re allowed X ammount of guests. That’s why before we even visited a venue or though about anything, we got their completed guest lists.
Of course, since then, my parents have remembered about 10-15 more people. And we’ve just cut our friends since then. I’m fine with that. I’m less fine when FI’s parents start adding people (espescially the woman that his grandmother worked with at Kohl’s some 20 years ago, so she’ll have someone “to talk to”), but whatever. It’s not fair for me to say it’s ok for my parents to add last minute guests and that his parents can’t, espescially since my family is twice as big as his. I just grin and bear it (and hope to get a lot of declines, so I can invite more of the people that I want to).
Are you kidding? We had to hijack our guest list BACK from his parents. They’ve invited everyone they’ve ever known - most of whom I’ve never even met. It’s very frustrating; they send out emails to all these people about the wedding…and I’m just CC’ed! It’s like, hello, can I get a hold of my wedding again?
I’m sure after the initial list-making dust settles, you’ll be in a better position that you feared.
My future MIL has started to hijak our list. I have no family coming (my parents and my brother and I are the only ones living in the city) since everyone is either on the other side of the country or in another country all together and we don’t talk to much. My FMIL’s entire family lives in the immediate area taking up half our list. I don’t think its fair that my parents have seven couples on their list sacrificing lots of close friends in order to accomadate my boyfriend’s family! Especially since they have already paid for my very expensive dress and my FMIL has not offered to pay for anything yet! (I’ll be footing the rest of the bill)
We didn’t give our parents any limit (even though we’re paying for the wedding). They gave us their names, and we quadruple checked it with them for months. Then after all the invitations had been made (with 10% extra), they added more names, leaving no room for error. At the end, I had to break up the invitation I was saving for us and use it for a guest.
I was really frustrated and upset that our parents added people at the last minute. And it didn’t help that my MOH invited a few people on her own months before without asking us first. I just took a deep breath, explained the situation to them, found a way to make way (like trying not to make any mistakes), and told them that they had to be absolutely sure since we wouldn’t be able to add anyone else. The sad part is, most of the people our parents added won’t be able to come… leaving friends and family that could have come out.
my FMIL sent “see you at the wedding on XXX!” in every christmas cards this yr without telling us!
Some very interesting points here, ladies! Thanks for the feedback!
I completely agree with many of you. My parents are paying for this wedding and they should get a bulk of the invites. And they have, which is why I included their closest friends, the ones who have watched me grow up, in the original guest list. In fact, the number of their friends on that list is equal to ours. We gave them ten more invites knowing that there were people that we might have left out that they might want to invite. Meaning that they would have MORE friends and the wedding than Mr. Donut and I. We told them in the beginning that we wanted to keep it small. They agreed and we planned accordingly.
My parents did the same thing by offering my sisters and I each the same amount of money. I being a business student, asked that my amount be adjusted for inflation. Which after providing them the rate (they uped my amount). We also told both sets of parents you have X amount of people anyone over that will be $$ this amount (the dollar amount accounted for all variable costs - food, extra centerpieces, invitations)
In the end it was pretty equal as far as sides go. Whereas my husbands family is huge, my parents have a ton of friends who have been to my sisters weddings as well. As stressful as it seams that extra person or so really does not matter in the long run!
I know it sounds a bit nit-picky and cheap but in order to fit in everything we wanted within our budget, we had to be stingy with the money.
This was one of the first issues we had. My parents also gave me a budget, which was what my cousin got from her parents for a very small (around 75 people) wedding. Then my mom gives me a list of over 100 - incluing her work friends I’ve never met, and their kids! I ended up having her take off all parent work friends, and even some of their friends who I like a lot - but it’s my wedding (and in the end, we will end up paying more than my parents) and I want my friends there. I’m sure there will be more issues as we actually start making the invitations, but at least we’ve edited the parents’ lists and they’re ok with having to tell friends “it’s her wedding, she wants her friends there” since my grandparents did the same for them.
I understand. Ask you family to list priority on the invitees. Ask them to put a 1 for 10 of the guests that they absolutely HAVE to be there. Then ask them to put a 2 on the ones that they really want there. Then have them put a 3 on the guests that they want there but would not be devistated if they don’t get invited. Then as the RSVP’s come back regrets, send out the next in line. This usually allows everyone to get invited without any hard feelings.
It works like a charm.
Mrs. Donut, Singapore/Natchez, MS
Age and Occupation: 31, Classical Singer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Attorney
Engagement Date: January 28, 2007
Wedding Date: May, 2008
Blogging Since: November 27, 2006
Venue: St. Mary Basilica & the historic Eola Hotel, Natchez
About Me: I am a displaced Southern belle trying to orchestrate our big day with my sweetie while living in a land far far away. When not planning for our classic Southern celebration, I love to read, travel, explore my artistic side, and bake brownies for Mr. Donut, who happens to love eating them. It works out well.
I think your approach to the additional people is completely valid. My mother keeps adding a person here and there, and so now I just say, “Fine, but that’s gonna cost ya $XXX.”
Perhaps I’ll add 10% premium on the $XXX as each week passes for my pain and suffering.