Wedding Blog
I know I have so much to be thankful for. For example, God has blessed with me with sacrificial friends - girls who went out of their way just to be there for me. One touching thing was when I found out that my girlfriend had broken up with her boyfriend the day before our wedding. She didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to ruin the wedding mood, so she acted sooo happy for me on the wedding day and didn’t tell me until I got back from my honeymoon! I was so amazed at her selflessness!
And of course, I had the best bridesmaids a girl could ask for. One of my bridesmaids had been asked to be a bridesmaid FOUR TIMES within the span of 6 months! I was her 3rd wedding, but she acted just as excited and happy for me, as if I were the only wedding she was a part of. I had so much love and support from my girlfriends.
But now that all is said and done, I can’t help but feel a bit hurt when I think about the invited guests who didn’t come to the wedding. After all the guest list cutting and MONTHS of working to make a wedding and reception happen, it just feels like some people didn’t understand that this was our one and only wedding. I know it sounds a bit whiny, but I’m wondering if any others out there felt the same way.
I felt this way particularly with friends from way back in the day, who canceled at the last minute or gave some lame excuse. After 10 months of planning, crazy organizing, and sending out Save the Dates, I was disappointed when I didn’t see someone who I thought I’d see after many years. I especially felt terrible knowing that there were empty seats (and paid for meals!) that could have gone to others cut from the guest list.
Did you, or do any of you ex-Brides feel this way?
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i’m kind of afraid of the same thing happening to me as well. i’m not married yet, but my church had 5 weddings last year (the last 3 were all in 6 weeks~!). i found out that some of our friends, kind of skipped out on the reception at the last minute..i guess it all seemed the same to them after attending so many. but i was really upset when some showed up at the reception, and when the bride and groom were late, they just left. so there were empty seats. that upset me a lot and i was wondering if the same thing would happen to me..
Yes, I know how you feel. I tried to be understanding of those who had work conflicts or had trouble traveling. But I do get particularly upset when I think about my friend who RSVP’ed and didn’t show, and I still haven’t really heard from, 8 months later! I only got a “Happy Holidays” mass text message she sent.
I only had one friend that didn’t make it to the reception (he went to the ceremony, though, which I found odd…I think he got drunk in between, though), and then another couple that rejected our invitation. Which honestly confused me, and I have no idea how to handle my feelings about it, even though it’s been 4 months since I got the news/2 and a half months since the wedding. I still have an email in my inbox at home from the one friend that she sent the week before the wedding wishing us the best and hoping we would have a great wedding day! (???) I never responded…I didn’t know how. It hurts so much when I think about it now, I’m tearing up.
I wish I could let the hurt go, but it’s hard…
I can definitely relate. I’m supersensitive (probably unreasonably so), so these types of things bother me way more than they should. A cousin posted in the guestbook on our website, “Congrats! Can’t wait to see pictures!”. Apparently, they already decided they’re not attending. I know it’s unreasonable to expect everyone to come (although it’s unacceptable for someone to RSVP and be a no-show unless it’s an emergency), but it still stings a little bit.
That’s so frustrating! My FI was a groomsman in a wedding last year where the couple had invited another groomsmen’s entire family. They RSVP’d that they would come and then didn’t show up. A whole family of possibly 10 people!!!! No card, no gift, nothing… And the reason they weren’t there was completely ridiculous- they obviously do not understand how much time, money & hard-work is invovled!
My FI is close with this family as well and we discussed inviting them and I had him really consider if it was worth it if they weren’t understanding enough to recognize how this affects the bride/groom.
To clarify, we had many people that weren’t able to make it to the wedding that we would have loved to have seen…family members, old friends of the family, etc…that were unable to make it due to conflicts that totally made sense and we completely understood.
However, the one couple that rejected our invite live in our town, wouldn’t have had to travel to get to the wedding, and didn’t say anything about a trip they’d planned or any issues with family members being sick or anything that I would have expected would be reasons they would have for not being able to attend. It was shocking to my system. Felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. They’re good friends that I’ve spent loads of time with and whom I hadn’t seen in a long while (due to the engagement, her having a baby, job changes, etc…), so I was really looking forward to seeing them at the wedding finally! That’s what I meant…we didn’t just have one couple decline our invite…that would have been crazy! 
There were 4 or 5 people that gave me lame excuses or just didn’t show up at all and if you would have asked me before if they would be there, I would have bet a million dollars they would.
Did it bother me? A bit, but I realized later that they just didn’t value our relationship as much as I did.
Yeah, I definitely felt it. The worst was people who just checked the No box without saying anything. If you check no and say “I’m really sorry I won’t be able to come b/c XXX but I wish I could be there and hope you have a great day!!” then I still like you and am sad you can’t come. But if you can’t even be troubled to do anything other than check the little box?? Come on, make an effort!!
I was also disappointed that several of our friends just decided to go back to the house (1 minute walk away) and go to sleep? Talk to each other there? fairly early in the night.
But the vast majority of people we really cared about coming came and stayed and seemed to have a great time, so you just have to focus on the good stuff!
Some people just do not know how to behave. It is sad. How can you RSVP and not show up!! nightmare.
i had a (male, older) friend who i had lost touch with come out of the woodwork after i got engaged, insisted “you’d better invite me to your wedding!”, RSVPed immediately, made a big deal about not being able to find a date (we did not invite him with a +guest either), and then didn’t show up to the wedding. didn’t send a gift. didn’t even contact me after the wedding… and now we’ve lost touch again. there goes $100 down the drain for his plate.
our other no-show was a girl who had gone to school with my DH and i suspect had a crush on him. she also RSVPed as a yes, then never showed and never contacted us again. what was even more mind-boggling was that all of her close friends were there and had a great time.
I think this is one of the side effects of getting married in your early 20’s– many of your friends will still be inexperienced and — hopefully unintentionally– insensitive about RSVP’ing and the obligation to show up if you’ve said you will.
Alas, until they go through it themselves and/or wise up with age, some people will think of every social occasion as a kegger– “Show up, don’t show up, throw up, whatever!”
Don’t take any of it personally and realize how bad they will feel looking back on their behavior once they wise up!
I scrimped on fancy details so that no one had to be cut from the list. That way if people didn’t show I didn’t have to feel upset at them.
Sometimes things come up, sometimes people just don’t feel well. Would you rather have them attending when they really didn’t want to be there. As much as we loved our own weddings it doesn’t mean that they are the central event for everyone else in our lives.
I can understand why people would decline to attend a wedding awithout a viable excuse. Many people don’t like weddings, are strapped enough financially that shelling out $50 for a wedding present is a stretch or siply do not like large crowds. However it is simply the height of rudeness to except an invitation to a wedding and not attend. This is not your average, “stop by because we’re having a party” get together. This is a formal invitation and an exceptance means that the host shell out from $50 to $100 and up for their meal and that doesn’t even include the other costs involved. Even without the costs, this is a special day and it is a major snub to accept and not show up or cancel at the last minute. A cancelation should only occur in case of death or sickness or some other major issue it is not a “oh, I just didn’t feel like going out” kind excusable event.
I’m a destination bride and I’m afraid that this will happen to me. Right now everyone is saying yes they will come, but I’m afraid that when it gets down to it, the excuses will come out and nobody will make it (I’m thinking mainly because of expenses). It will make me sad, but it also makes me realize that the only people that I really want at my wedding is my family and his family. Everyone else is just icing on the cake.
on the other side of the coin - maybe some people just can’t afford to go and are embarrassed to say so. that was the case for me with a wedding in holland, although i sucked it up and told my friend the truth. i think she was understanding about it. we’ll see what happens with guests at my own wedding.
For me there is no excuse whatsoever (except emergency, death, etc.) for someone to RSVP Yes and then not show up. I’d be livid. That’s major wasted money.
As far as other people who RSVP no…it doesn’t really bother me that much. A lot of the time you don’t know what may/may not be going on in their lives. Sometimes going to people’s weddings can be REALLY expensive. We were invited to six weddings this year, all out of state, so needless to say it is all the people we knew “way back when” but aren’t really friends with anymore that are the lowest on our travel priority list.
I also think it’s a symptom of the times…with giant weddings and feeling the need to invite every person we or our parents may have ever been friends with it’s inevitable that these people won’t come b/c we really aren’t all that important in their lives. I think trying to keep a guest list to the people that truly matter and are involved in our lives is helpful.
Finally, the best advice I received when starting to wedding plan was “no one cares about your wedding but you.” Sure, that’s probably not true, I’m sure my friends and family care a lot, but having the attitude that this is just another day for everyone else, not a lifetime monumental event, has saved me from not getting my feelings hurt and not talking too much about weddings with everyone.
I know how you feel; I had a cousin who was my “best cousin” growing up, and despite me sending out save-the-dates 6 months before, said she had to go camping. Doesn’t that sound like a strange excuse? I was pretty bummed. Her two sisters didn’t show up either which really made me wonder if they thought I was as special as I thought they were. It kind of messes with you, but after a while I realize that not eveyone shows up to the family reunion either, so I let it go. They missed on heck of a good time though.
Weird - you have perfect timing b/c I was feeling this way last night too. I felt so sad and alone after hearing that certain people couldn’t come…even though I’ve told them a year in advance about the wedding. It just seems like people aren’t making any effort to attend something that they knew was super-important to me. I’m hoping my RSVP’s will take a turn for the better soon.
We only had one couple that RSVPed and didn’t show up. But still, it hurt my feelings. We had a small wedding and had to leave out a bunch of people wo were important to us. I thought they at least would have called afterward, but we never heard from them until a couple of weeks ago, when they got engaged (a year and a half after our wedding).
A mutual friend told us what happened - they couldn’t find the directions the day of the wedding and were embarressed.
Oh well.
Ugh, absolutely. I was in a high school friend’s wedding and drove hours upon hours for shower, bach. party, rehearsal and wedding, and paid for the hair, makeup (both “required”), expensive dress and all. I didn’t ask her to be in my wedding, and after RSVP’ing yes for her and her husband, she left a vm with a flimsy excuse that they couldn’t make it. Talk about irritating and hurtful. My husband’s family also had a table full that didn’t show up for the reception. ARGH! We want to send them a bill.
I had 17 people who RSVP’d yes and then cancel at the last minute. While some situations were understandable (death, health emergencies, rescheduled flights due to weather), some were just plain rude. I had one entire family cancel because they told me that it was too hard to travel with the kids. Uh….didn’t you think about the kids when you RSVP’d ‘yes’?!
I had another 10 people who simply didn’t show up (and RSVP’d yes). No explanation, nothing. In total, I basically threw $3,000 down the drain. Was I hurt and annoyed? Absolutely.
For the people who said, “No”, I did feel bummed that they couldn’t make it. But I have no hard feelings there.
We had 2 couples no-show on the wedding day.
Couple #1 - My parents friends who completely forgot.
Couple # 2 - My notoriously flakey ex-college roomie and her fiancee.
The ironic thing is, the NIGHT BEFORE my wedding, I actually DREAMED that they didn’t show up to the wedding. And in my dream, I called her up and b*tched her out for being so inconsiderate. So imagine my surprise when I walked by the escort card table and saw her card sitting there… I was psychic! But THEN, they showed up at 11pm when everything was winding down!! I was like wtf. Apparently they had taken last minute freelance “jobs”… she was posing as one of those nearly naked people who you eat sushi off of. Uhm, yea…
My own brother never actually said his family wouldn’t be making the trip from California, where they live, to Texas, where the wedding was. Maybe they sent an RSVP and I just never got it? Who knows. I found out from my dad that it was too expensive for them to make it, and I understand that completely. I just feel silly thinking that I sent them a thank-you note for their gift and I signed it “can’t wait to see you in a few weeks!”
My sister in law had most of her college friends RSVP yes and then never show. Some were coworkers that she had to face after the honeymoon. Not only was she pretty upset that everyone was kind of like “oh, something came up,” but my ILs were pretty pissed that they paid to upgrade to the larger ballroom (on the day of the wedding, no less.)
i think many people who are unmarried dont realize what a faux pas this is.
years ago, i RSVPed and attended a friend’s ceremony. but bc i got sooo lost on the way there, literally missing the whole thing entirely, i was too pooped to party at the reception afterwards.
so i skipped it.
and only until now, reading this post, did i feel bad.
While I can certainly understand disappointment with those who were last minute no-shows, I don’t think it’s fair for you to be hurt by those who were unable to attend. While it is your one-and-only wedding, you cannot expect individuals (other than perhaps your parents) to be 100% able to drop everything and anything to show up, because everyone else still has their own lives with which to deal.
One of my closest friends from high school got married 2 years ago in Hood River, Oregon. We’re from PA, her fiance is from Ohio, we both wound up living in DC… and yet she chose to have this destination wedding. That was completely her decision - nobody forced it upon her. To complicate matters further, Hood River is not near any airports (I believe she said it was a 2 hour drive?) and since I was only 22 at the time, renting a car would have been a HUGE expense (nevermind the fact that I haven’t driven in 7 years since I’ve been living in the city!). It was a Sunday afternoon wedding (to save costs,, not for religious purposes), and I had a big exam on Monday for my first year towards my Ph.D. It was impossible for me to attend, no matter how much I wanted to be there. She resented that I was unable to come and kept saying how hurt she was, but sometimes, people just really CANNOT attend, no matter how much you think they should be there.
Ironically, she informed me over and over that no matter where I got married, absolutely nothing in the world would stop her from coming. Well, I’m getting married in May here on the east coast.. and she just moved last month to the west coast and will be having her first child in April. She told me that with a 1 month old, there was no way she could make such a far trip. I totally understand this and won’t hold it against her — but sometimes I really just want to remind her of her previous statement!
I lost a friend over this. She just didn’t show up. I thought we were really good friends. There goes $200.
While you wedding is the biggest event in your lifetime, it is not going to be the biggest event in anyone else’s. And I don’t think it’s fair to demand that someone owes you an explanation if they can’t make it. I’m talking about the people that reply no, not the people who reply yes, but then don’t show (which is very rude).
I watched one of my coworkers go through this a few years ago, when she was standing up in SEVEN weddings one summer, and invited to five others. She was close to all of her friends getting married, but she just could not go to all the weddings. The weddings where she was a bridesmaid had to take precendence, along with the other days that she was busy with showers and bachelorette parties for those brides. It was a huge burdern to her, not only financially, but also just the sheer exhaustion factor of all the events. She couldn’t very well put a note on the reply card “Sorry, I’ll be too tired and poor” to come, so she just replied no. It would be really unfortunate if the couple had decided to hold that against her.
I agree with Tberry and natsumi. Sometimes things happen and people are embarrassed to explain it. However, I can understand being upset about people who replied yes and didn’t show up. Even if something came up, there should be an explanation. But like Tberry said, some times people don’t like weddings (for those who aren’t outgoing and don’t know many people, it can be awkward) or don’t have enough money and it hard to come out and say that’s the reason they can’t attend the wedding.
I totally understand for those who give me the “no”s, which I think we only had a few for good reasons. But for those who decide to say “no” at the very last minute (ie: the day or week of the wedding) is the same thing as flaking out since their meal has already been paid for.
I guess I’m mainly talking about the issue of those who RSVP’ed a “yes” and didn’t show with no explanation, or those who backed out at the very last minute with weird reasons. ie: “Sorry I forgot I have to help my friend move.”
Honestly, I don’t hold a grudge against them, it just makes me sad.
beanchar, I’m 33. The one person that didn’t show up at the reception (but made it to the ceremony) is over 50. My other friends that declined their invite without any explanation as to why they couldn’t make it (mind you they’re very good friends…I attended their wedding several years ago, travelling from out of state to do so at the time) are 36 and 40 and have 4 children.
It’s not just people in their early 20’s dealing with this sort of thing. And regardless of whether it should or shouldn’t hurt, it does. We shouldn’t have to explain the way we feel about them not showing up any more than they should have to explain why they decided not to come, but it doesn’t change the fact that their rejection of us in such a manner stings a bit.
I’m not married yet, but I know right off the bat that I would be very upset if I had people RSVP “yes” and then not show w/o an explanation. People have to realize that the bride and groom put an enormous amount of time, effort, and money into planning a wedding and if you say you’re going to go, go.
Unfortunately, I experienced 10 cancellations the last two days before the wedding. THe first couple, I was really bummed out and sad about, but after a while, I had to remind myself that THEY were missing out.
I won’t lie - still having to pay for a whole table extra really sucked since I couldn’t change my numbers with the caterer at that point.
A lot of posters keep bringing up the $$ issue. Yes, that sucks, but it also hurts to realize that a friendship is not as close as you though it was. I do realize that things happen, but to not even give an explanation after the fact for not showing is just disrespectful.
Also, I have to agree with Mrs. Bluebell re: declines. I do understand that we all have busy lives and the wedding is not as important to others, but it just seems a little cold and impersonal to check “No” without even writing a “Congrats!” or anything. We only invited 70 people to our wedding, so it’s not like we had invited strangers, ya know?
It makes me sad but it shows how some friends are not as close as I thought they would be….
My friend has told me he’s not sure about coming because he has a baby on the way and won’t know whether the kid will be sick at that time (?!)…. The kid will be 4 months at that time… would you think that’s a lame excuse. I don’t even know if I should invite his family at this point…. sigh!
my moms sister who is in her 60s/retired has known about our wedding forever but decided to plan a huge family trip (meaning my cousins & uncle too) during that time, even though they could do it anytime (and they started planning it 9 months ahead when they knew our date). it makes me sad since our family is tight knit & we are seriously working hard on this whole thing, really making it family friendly, but i know my mom is even more upset about it bc its the first family wedding in YEARS & her own sister isnt showing. on the other hand, im a crazy adventuror myself & cant hold the traveling bug against anyone. but yes, it stinks.
Mrs. Caramel, you can obviously see that you aren’t alone! I too felt hurt when we got some “no” RSVPs… especially from people that I thought wouldn’t miss it, or those that gave no reason as to why they couldn’t come. More so, though, I was upset by the number of people who said they were coming and didn’t show up… Until you go through a wedding yourself, I don’t think some people understand what the bride and groom go through to make sure everything runs smoothly, and how much everything really costs. For the guests that are already married and should no better?? GRRRR!
I agree, Caramel. There is a big difference between saying “no” and saying “yes” and just not showing. I would much rather take a no without an excuse than a yes without attendance. I also think this depends a lot on the particular guest, too. Our wedding is going to be relatively small and we are only inviting close friends and family. I would be very sad if ANY of them couldn’t make it- but if one of them RSVP’d yes and then just didn’t show, I would really rethink the friendship (I don’t know what I would do about family! I am stuck with them ;). I think this is true of any social event, really. You need to let someone know if you aren’t coming to their party once you have been invited. I know we all get “my wedding isn’t important to EVERYONE?!” and we need to keep that in check, but honestly, its just rude.
Sorry this comment is totally unrelated to your post, but one of the bees suggested you for make up and i’m assuming you do hair as well. Can you e-mail me with info if you’re willing to do a trial etc… thanks.
i totally know how you feel. first, some background about me, my homestate is CA, and i moved to NY/NJ 3 yrs ago for grad school and met my husband out here in the east coast. my best friend was supposed to be one of my BMs, but she called me the week before our wedding and told me she had a family emergency & couldn’t make it. and all of my close friends from my church and college couldn’t come either. i was so sad that i didn’t have my friends from back home to come and celebrate with me. everytime i think about them, i get so sad.
If you are providing an RSVP card with a box to check “yes” or “no”, then you really can’t expect people to provide a detailed explanation as to why they are checking the “no” box. You put it there for them! It indicates that all you need is a simple answer! Besides, people do not answer to you about the decisions they make, no matter how close you are. If you really care, why don’t you take the time to pick up the phone and ask? Because you’re so busy planning a big wedding? That is a lame excuse if I ever heard one. I completely agree with Baghdad Bride (with a small amendment), the best advice is “nobody cares as much about your wedding but you”. This advice has saved me from talking about the wedding and expecting too much from people.
my FH and I were waffling tonight about whether or not to put a certain couple on our guest list- they had moved a few hours away, and we’re not nearly as close to them as we once were. The female half of the couple also did a pretty crappy thing a few years ago to one of my very close friends, and we were worried about the drama aspect of having them both in the same place.
Then I read this post, and remembered that at another friends’ wedding just last month, they RSVPed yes and never showed. Never emailed or called or anything to explain why. So FH and I just decided to leave them off the guest list- we’d rather not chance that they’ll say they’re coming and then not show. So yay for this post for solving my problem.
Hello, what brand was your bridesmaid dresses?
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Mrs. Caramel, Los Angeles
Age and Occupation: 24, Art Gallery/Museums
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Engineer
Engagement Date: January 8, 2007
Wedding Date: October 6, 2007
Venue: a beautiful church and hotel reception
About Me: I love dancing, singing, eating out, eating in, surfing on the net, and brainstorming fantastic ideas. I also love cats, coffee, and know every quote written on Sex & the City. I'm known to laugh really loud and have really crazy hand gestures while I talk. My fiance writes songs and I take pictures. What else? We're just a crazy young couple in love, trying to make a fabulous wedding!
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