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They say you can’t be too rich or too thin: I’m not rich enough to say the money part is wrong, but I know they’re wrong about the too thin part. I’m not saying this to ask for a pity party, for anyone struggling with weight issues on the other end of the scale, trust me, and I write this post in all sincerity and with real concern.
At my annual OB/GYN appointment this past week, the doctor asked for my permission to run blood tests and noted the insurance paperwork reason as “extreme weight loss.” When the nurse went to take my blood pressure, she had to use the children’s cuff. But I know the culprits of my weight loss already: 1. stress from planning a wedding while balancing multiple jobs (and worrying constantly about money) and 2. being on new preventive medication for migraine headaches — medication that has basically killed any appetite a normal human being would have (but has miraculously halved the number of headaches I get in a month).
After the wedding, when some other insanities that are not part of my normal life have died down, I’ll have to weigh the issue of my weight loss versus my monstrous headaches and make a decision about my new meds, but this post is not even about my own weight issues per se, but about why people — strangers particularly — feel that they have the right to comment on any person’s weight or looks, period. I think about this as I go for my first wedding gown fitting this week, in comparison to my last time at the bridal salon, when I purchased my veil:
Several other women in a group there turned to me and asked “What are you, a size zero? A double zero? Are you anorexic?” Anorexia is a disease, and I’m not sure when people began to think it was acceptable to ask perfect strangers outright if they had diseases, especially when the questions aren’t even being asked with any sincere concern. I also don’t think it’s acceptable to ask anyone what her size is. You never know what issues people are going through; it’s bad enough already that most bridal shops won’t carry any dresses above a size 10, as if the entire female population was made out of a size-ten mold.
I’ve lost more than 20 pounds in just a couple/few months and I’m weighing only slightly above 100 pounds (I’m not a short girl)… I don’t pretend this is any way healthy (and it doesn’t look healthy either). In the couple short months that are left before my wedding, I’m trying to try to eat more and better, and I’d like to force myself to create pockets of time to begin again to practice some yoga, which I haven’t done in years, but I feel this last part may be a pipe dream to be honest…
How are others though — not just me — coping with comments from the peanut gallery (sometimes even family & friends, however well-intended) about how your body looks/should look for your wedding or in your dress, and how can you try to stay sane and healthy among all the mayhem and criticisms, of all kinds, leading up the big day?
Miss Petunia, you have my support. I hate all unsolicited comments about my body, and it’s equally offensive if someone’s commenting on your thinness (vs. someone else’s being overweight).
On the other hand, I hope you get whatever help you need to make some positive changes to your life - whether it’s a change in diet or a new relaxation technique. Here’s wishing you good health, and take care.
Oh Miss Petunia… thank you for this post. I hate weight comments at both ends of the spectrum. My mom is super duper petite and I take after my father who is of a bigger build. I eat well (three square meals a day) and work out (have been going to the gym at least 3x a week), but from my family and most of the Asian population I still get “Are you planning to lose weight for your wedding?” I even had a makeup/hair vendor (who I didn’t hire) tell me that I should go for a higher updo to lengthen myself out. I don’t fall into the super stereotypical ideal that Asian women are petite and slim. It really ticks me off, but I learned to get over it. I love my body and I treat it well. I don’t put junk into it and I take care of myself. I will never ever be a size 4 or 2, but I am fine the way I am. Mr. C loves me the way I am. I don’t care about size regardless of if you’re small or large as long as you’ve got your health in tact. Nothing matters more. So Miss Petunia, the world is a big, harsh, and mean critic sometimes, but I stay sane not giving into other people’s insecurities about weight (money, career, etc…) and just think of all the good things I have in my life… my health, my wonderful family, and a great relationship with someone I love.
I’ve fluctuated my entire life and family has always been the first to point out to me when I’ve gained. It’s extremely tough, especially when they mention it around your wedding and you know you have that dress that you want to look amazing in.
Either way you go, trying to get your weight up, or down, it’s a really tough situation and people don’t know how much they can affect the way you think about yourself.
Good luck with your medicine decision…I also suffer from migraines (but not as frequently) so I can understand the difficulty with that decision.
I feel like if you are thin, people don’t consider their comments about your size and weight rude. They feel they have a right to ask about it. Asking about someone’s weight, just like asking about your income or your medical history, is rude whether you are overweight, thin, rich, poor, sick or not. Many people just don’t realize it.
I’ve been thin my whole life and my friend’s mother has gone so far as to report my “condition” to the principal’s office. They thought I needed medical intervention, when my mother and doctor knew full well I was a healthy girl.
My best advice from handling this type of situation my entire life, is to side step the question with some humor. If they ask how much you weight, just say “I’ll tell you my weight, if you tell me yours!” Usually they realize how rude they are and recant their question.
But I really hope you take care of yourself. WE all want to see you as a happy and healthy bride on your wedding day. I know your appetite is shot, but I was advised to eat a spoonful of peanut butter a day. hahaha It’s yummy and it helps!
oh man, good luck. i cope by calling people out for comments like that. easier said than done, i know, but recognizing that others are projecting their insecurities onto me helps me deal with the frustration.
I completely understand. I am the opposite…Fat Bride walking!
It’s hard to deal with the weight issue but few brides can avoid it. Just try and be as happy as possible. Maybe there is a different migraine med other than Topomax that you can take. Right now it’s in a series of weight-loss studies so it might not be the right med for you, unfortunately.
Miss Pickle
I just have to say that your dress and your veil are GORGEOUS! You look so feminin!
No one is ever going to be happy with your weight. I’m a size 4 in my wedding dress but a size 0 in regular clothes. Yet everytime my Chinese relatives see me, they tell me I’ve gained weight! Now I’m not worried about my weight at all since I eat very healthy meals but those comments can make the most confident person feel insecure about their size.
However, if you are losing an extreme amount of weight, you definitely should try to take it easy and take care of yourself! Don’t judge how healthy you are by your weight. Step back and look at yourself in 3rd person. Are you eating healthy? Are you sleeping enough? Are you stressed too much?
Miss P, I just wanted to comment that I know what it’s like… kinda. You see my little sister gets comments like that all time. It’s hard for her especially because she’s in high school - and high schoolers these days are brutal!
The best advice I can give is: keep trying to be healthy, and ignore what others say. I always tell my sister that people are just jealous. You’ll be beautiful on your wedding day!
Miss Petunia, I totally know how you feel! I’m a double zero, but I can’t help it! I’m five feet tall, how much do people expect me to weigh? I can down half a large pizza and I’m still asked if I’m anorexic and I’m told that I need to eat more. Obviously this is by strangers who’ve never eaten with me. I agree that people think its fine to tell you whatever is on their mind simply because your weight issue is on the light end of the spectrum. I don’t approve of weight comments on either end of the spectrum. I’m also a stress non-eater, but that peanut butter trick can really work!!
Miss Petunia, I don’t have a whole lot to add to what you have written, but I want to thank you for sharing your experiences, and I hope that your meds situation gets figured out.
I just wanted to add that I also lost 20ib (I’m already barely 100ib) last summer after a series of stressful events at work and a case of the flu. Its hard to deal with all the comments and the other half of the people who tell you you should be happy about it!!! I’m wasting away how is this good. I started packed granola bars and diet drinks (the ones that are supposed to be meal supplements.. I gave that up because they’re not very yummy) and eating them between meals. Pretty much every time I sat down and left snacks out on my desk. It definitely helped but I still struggle with it and would love to gain some wait before my wedding. Best of luck!
oh, i was so happy to read this post! i’m getting married a month earlier than my coworkers, and she’s trying desperately to lose ten pounds to fit into her dress… i’m trying to gain ten pounds so my dress will stay up!
i’ve always been really thin, and any time i get stressed/sick/tired/busy, i lose weight. it is super frustrating!! i’ve heard five times in the last week that i’m so skinny, and i just need to gain some weight. if it was that easy, i would have gained already, believe me. the comments hurt after a while - like i’m choosing to look this unhealthy…
anyways, i understand completely, and am so glad to know i’m not alone!!
I am in the exact same boat as you are! This is why I love blogs. It is so great to know they are other people out there with similar situations as you. I starting taking medication for my migraines about 6 months before my weddings (which I am assuming is the same medication as you are taking) and I lost a lot of weight. Between the stress and the medication I was down to weighing about 100 pounds at my wedding in Sept. of 07. It gets so frustrating. People look at me and assume that I do not eat and that I have a eating disorder and at the wedding everyone was like you are so skinny. But people don’t understand. It isn’t that I am choosing to be this thin. If I don’t take this medication I have debilitating headaches. So I completely hear your pain 
Hang in there….stay healthy and don’t be afraid to have a few milkshakes every now and again
I get comments about my weight all the time - from my mother. After years, I’ve realized I’m not actually fat, but my mother is overweight and projects her anxieties on to her daughters (she would make comments about my sister’s weight to me, and vice versa. Really healthy). Though there are times when people comment on thinness because they’re concerned, those comments usually come from people who know you. Strangers are likely just jealous and insecure about their own weight. To have to deal with that and migraines is a lot to handle, without the multiple jobs!
Can you delegate out any more of your wedding planning to friends or relatives? Are there some wedding projects you don’t NEED to do? I know you want your wedding to be fabulous - and it will be - but it sounds like your health demands that you make some time for yourself now: to do yoga or whatever relaxation technique works for you. Don’t wait until after the wedding to take care of yourself!
I feel for you. I say this will asincerity even though I am of the wedding dress size 10 mold. I am also petite (under 5 feet) chesty and not one those small boned petite women, the large bone (I have bony wrists and I can’t wrap my fingers around them big boned). this being said I lived with a women and went through the wedding planning process with her who was of the 00 varietya dn had to struggle to maintain 100lbs on a 5′4″ body. She was not anorexic, bulimic or any of those other diseases and she has always had issues keeping a healthy body weight. It has interfiered with her trying to get pregnant and she gets all sorts of comments regarding her weight. To my horrow my own mother asked me if she was anorexic right after she met her for the first time, thank god it wasn’t to her face.
All said, I find it amazing that people actually comment on peoples weight! How rude! I don’t care what size a person is it is no one elses’s business except concerned loved ones and thier doctor!
Living with somone who has the oposite type of weight issue that I have is very eye opening. In fact the most important thing for both of us was that we just wanted to be healthy and have plenty of energy.
Miss Petunia,
I hope that you begin to feel better You look beautiful!
I’ve ben having migraines nearly every week and can not seem to get rid of them and i at the end of my rope to figure out how to prevent them…is the medication that you are using helping minimize them?
I understand you completely. I’m already a shy and uncomfortable person as it is, and when people comment about my weight or about their own weight, I get even more nervous. People need to be more sensitive in either direction. I’m considered small, but my doctor thinks I’m “overweight” in that I’m literally a sack of skin, bone, and fat and it’s horribly unhealthy. I can’t tell anyone at all about exercising or dieting because they think I’m a either sick or trying to get people to tell me I’m thin, but I really AM doing it on the advice of my doctor!
I agree, weight is like money, just don’t talk about it and trust that unless the person is asking you specifically about it, there is nothing you can enlighten them on about their own situation.
happens to me since I was 10, when I went to purchase my wedding dress, the lady began taking my measurments and in a very loud voice saighed and announced she gave up because they did not make this dress in my size and then proceeded to ask whether I was a negative dress size! Now it doesn’t really offend me anymore since I have had to deal with it my whole life and now I just chalk it up to envy, I mean really I would NEVER EVER say something like that to anyone thin or overweight, It’s just rude!
I commend you for having the guts to write such a well written post about such a sensitive issue. I have many posts in “draft” about weight sensitive issues that I just cant seem to craft into something that doesnt seem like “asking for compliments” or just plain whining.
I dont have much to add to the conversation other than because I’ve been on Television, I’ve gotten a lot of public scrutiny on being “overweight”, through E mail and comments on YouTube. I’ve built up a thick skin to it…theres really no other way to deal with it than to ignore it. I dont read/answer e mail in regards to my show. Not even the nice ones. Its the only way to stay sane. The comments will never stop, people will ALWAYS feel the need to comment on your weight. You just have to learn to shrug them off.
Wow, thank you for writing such a personal issue up! It’s always wise to watch what you say, no matter what body type someone has because everyone is self-conscious about themselves. And I cringed when I read that someone asked if you were anorexic! How odd & insensitive, but maybe people assume as long as you don’t say “fat” that it’s okay.
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Mrs. Petunia, Ft. Lauderdale Age and Occupation: 31, College Professor Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Engineering Student/Part-time Barista Engagement Date: December 8, 2006 Wedding Date: March 2, 2008 Venue: Riverside Hotel Blogging Since: August 6, 2007 About Me: Our original idea of running off to get married quickly turned into an event with 100+ guests once other people got involved and I, too, got swept away in the lovely madness that is wedding planning. Mr. Petunia and I are obsessed with all things World of Warcraft, Monopoly, and Nintendo, so we’re planning on including some fun “game-y” details into our wedding.
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