Be My Friend, Not My Mom.
January 28th, 2008 @ 4:57 pm by Mrs. Lovebug
If you had to choose one word to describe your relationship with your future mother-in-law, what would it be? What would you want it to be? For me, being able to answer this question truthfully has been one of the greatest things to come from planning our wedding.
As a child, Mr. Lovebug had a soccer mom. A make-the-Halloween-costumes-by-hand mom. A never-miss-a-single-important-event mom. A doting, expressive, and very available PTA mom. I had one, too. Only, mine isn’t around any more, for a handful of those complicated yet devastatingly simple reasons that life sometimes dishes out. And if there’s one thing I’m not looking for, it’s a replacement.
I know; that’s a shockingly cold thing to say, isn’t it? Particularly when the woman in question is an effusive, bubbly sweetheart of a mother, just dying to pull me under her wing and into the nest. I mean, really. She calls me her “kidlet”, which is just about the cutest thing ever, right?
Only, why does it make me feel like a phony? Am I an ungrateful brat, for not wanting that?
I hope not. Because I believe I have a pretty good counteroffer.
I can’t be a daughter to her, in the sense that she seems to want. I feel myself digging my heels in, whenever I sense the slightest (motherly) disapproval about my decisions. When I made clear my anti-bouquet toss, anti-garter dance, anti-veil, and anti-wedding party stance, her shock and protestations hurt and alienated me.
But then, one day when Mr. Lovebug and I were having some pretty bad trouble, I called her, desperate for insight into my fiance’s behavior. I asked her to lunch. We sat at the table and I poured my heart out. And something in our relationship shifted, as I spoke of our very adult problems. She stopped looking at me like her second child and started listening to me like a grown up. Commiserating, even, with similar stories about her own marriage. Like a friend.
And I realized, this - this is what I want. Her friendship, not her parenting. I’m 32 years old. Any need I had for maternal guidance has - sadly but truthfully - long since scarred over. I want to share a bottle of wine with her, and laugh at our men together. I want to learn about who she is, and who she was at my age. I want to let her in on my secrets, and just gab about whatever. If she, I, and the Mr. Lovebugs are together, I want to feel like I’m on the women’s team…not the kids’ team.
I think she’s starting to understand this. I mean, we’re still negotiating the boundaries of this new, dynamic relationship (she signs emails “Mom”, I turn around and address them to her first name…), but it’s getting better all the time. I count my blessings for such a warm and welcoming woman, because I know she just wants to fill in that hole in my heart, the one shaped like M-O-M.
But, strange as it sounds, I need that hole. It isn’t really empty, anyway.
There’s always room for a friend, however.
Would you say your FMIL treats you more like a daughter, or more like a friend? And how does that make you feel?
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26 Responses to “Be My Friend, Not My Mom.”
Your post is very touching…I’m glad you have a relationship with your FMIL that you’re proud of and I hope the two of you continue to grow in your friendship together.
Hmm.. I’m in the same sort of limbo, and I feel the same way when FMIL start to “mother” me (which is so very close to smother, yes?) maybe I’ll try this approach..
this has got to be one of my favorite weddingbee posts ever.
thank you. i completely relate and am happy to have found a friend instead of a mom as well, only it took reading this post to realize it.
My FI mother is amazing. She treats me like I am one of her kids but also as a friend. I’ve been with my guy for 6 years now and I’ve been friends with him for nearly 10 years and during that entire time his mother has always treated me like part of the family. It’s really nice - and I’ve always called her by her first name. But when she signs emails or cards it’s always with the word love before it. It’s a really good balance I think.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve really tried to take the friend approach to my FMIL too. You really hit home with this one for me.
She’s the mom of two boys and is still married to their dad. She’s the lone female, and I like helping her gang up on the guys sometimes.
At the same time, my mother is much older than her and in very poor health. I expect to loose my mom soon, and honestly my FMIL won’t ever replace her and I don’t want her to. I will want her to be a wonderful grandmother…and someone I can talk to about her son.
Thanks again for sharing and opening this coversation Miss Lovebug!
Ah, yes, I’m so glad there’s someone else out there who doesn’t jump at the chance to call their in-laws “mom and dad.” My FMIL treats me like a kid. It aggravates me to no end. What I want is a woman to pal around with sometimes, not another mother. When she wanted me to start calling her and her husband, “Mom and Dad,” I thought, “ok, this is the normal thing - they want to ingratiate me into their family, it’s nice, but no thanks.” I continue to call them Mr. and Mrs. X. My fiance wants me to - in a sense - “be their kid” and I just can’t do that. It nauseates me thinking about it. Seriously - I feel almost…suffocated. Plus, any and all inclination for me to even try out this little arrangement was put to an abrupt end when she chastised me in front of a table full of hardly-known relatives for tossing a napkin towards my honey after dinner (he literally asked for it!).
I don’t think she’ll ever understand that I don’t want to be her newfound daughter.
i am really happy for all of you and your relationships with your MIL’s or Future MIL’s. Unfort. I just got bummed out : ( My future MIL isnt mean to me just manipulative and trys to one up me with my FI her son. She feels like I am taking him away from her, and the actions have been not very nice : (
I dont know if she will ever come around.
That’s such a touching story. Looks like you and your FMIL both want the best possible relationship with each other. Kudos to both of you!
Your post was really and truly heart-warming. While I can’t contribute to the discussion of what my FMIL is to me, exactly (I would love to be able to go to her and have a heart-to-heart when my fiance and I are having problems or arguments — like right now! — my fiance is such a momma’s boy that I would be afraid she would side with him automatically), I know your pain about not wanting the new in-laws to replace the people to whom you are related.
My grandparents are older, don’t particularly travel, and my grandmother suffers from bouts of untreated depression. As such, they do not enjoy large crowds, and no longer have the desire to travel. They did not come to my engagement party, and I am guessing that they will not come to my wedding. This breaks my heart, because my grandmother is so beloved to me, but I also understand that at her age, what is a piece-of-cake several hour drive to us, is a huge excursion to her. I’ve come to peace with the fact that they probably will not be there, but my fiance’s grandmother continually says things like “It’s okay your grandparents won’t come to the wedding. You don’t need them, you have me now.” It seriously took every ounce of restraint that I have to not yell at his 80 year old grandmother for that comment. I am NOT looking to replace my own grandmother, thank you very much — I couldn’t believe she said that!
I absolutely love my FMIL. My fiance and I have been together for 7 and a half years, since before junior year in high school. She never wanted me to call her Mrs. it has always been her first name.
Since we were young there were some times when we broke up in high school. When I was first starting college we weren’t together at the time, but she helped me move in. Even though he and I weren’t together she’d still take me out to dinner or to a movie.
When we were in high school she took us out to smoke our first cigarette. She took out outside and said “Come on, we’re going to smoke this and then you’re never going to smoke again.” And I never did smoke again, it was disgusting.
She always refers to me as one of her kids. If ever we’re at a store and someone calls she’l say “I’m out with my kids.” She taught me to sew, knit and crochet. For Christmas this year she bought me a sewing machine. She’s going to make my veil and is helping me make ring bearer pillows.
I definitely think I’d consider her more of a friend than a mom, but she is the same way with my fiance. We always have a great time when we go out shopping (we are so obnoxious sometimes). If she’s had a fight with her daughter she’ll talk to me about it. Lately she’s been having trouble with her daughter’s new boyfriend who she really dislikes and I’ve heard a lot about it lately.
I feel so incredibly lucky to have such an awesome FMIL.
looks like i’m in the minority here, along with jhearta. my FMIL is manipulative and snooty at times, and i just frankly don’t enjoy her company. she is the single parent of an only child, so naturally, i am taking her baby away from her…. not sure if we’ll ever get along… but i really don’t care if we don’t. my relationship with my mom is awesome and that’s all i need.
after over 8 years of being with FI, i still call his mother Miss FI. if she asks me to call her mom, i will flat out refuse…. it’s such a creepy notion, anyway,.
Funny AND sincere? No wonder you’re my favorite bee!! Great Post, Lovebug! Fortunately for me, my MIL is wonderful and a mix between the two — kind of like a motherly friend. 
funny, my situation is totally different! My FI’s mom, while in the process of marrying off her 4 children, said to each of us that she does not want to be called mom by us, but by her first name. And she said that while she is our MIL, she has no intention of mothering any other children - because we all have our parents (or not, two of her children-in-laws are not close with their moms), and her being her own children’s mother is all she needs and wants. She’s really just our MIL, she is someone we can talk to, listen to stories about our SO’s, etc. Thank god for that! I would hate someone to come in and try to mother me, whether my mother was around or not!
my situation is strange but good.
i have my own mother and our relationship has (FINALLY) matured to somewhat of a mothering friendship.
his mother, while sweet as pie and loves me dearly, but is an “older” soul. although she is only older than my mom by say 5 years, the gap is huge….so its more of a loving respect i have for her. the willingness to take care of her as she ails (she’s sickly). that kind of thing.
i call her by her first name but when i am taking to FI i call her “mom”. not sure why……
this will sound very cold, but I’m perfectly content with keeping my relationship with my FMIL as just that. As an in-law, neither a mother or a close friend. Both of FI’s parents are very warm, caring people who I am extremely appreciative of for raising such a wonderful son, but neither are folks that I would have befriended on my own. FMIL can be very smothering sometimes and the idea of sharing a glass of wine and gabbing with her makes me gag for some reason. Partly because my parents live very far away, and I miss my own Mom very much and am not looking for a replacement. But, also I know that I’m a kind of stand-off-ish person with a hard shell to crack and his family can just be too much for me some times. even after 6 years. But, the boy and I have talked about this and have come to a conclusion. He feels like my parents are “inlaws” as well (partly because he doesn’t see them as often), so we’ve agreed to not try to make each other force a parental bond that doesn’t feel natural. We’re respective toward them, but it kind of ends there. Like I said, cold, but everyone has to do what works best for them.
If I could, I’d tell you all the horrible things my mother-in-law does…but this post would be so long! I’m just so happy that the FI finally realizes what’s going on and how crazy she is!
It’s cool that you get along so well with your MIL!
Alas, I am in the jhearta and marta MIL camp.
We don’t have a lot of contact with her for reasons entirely unrelated to me, but I know she still sees me as the woman who stole her son away. Luckily, he’s not the mama’s boy she had hoped he would be.
She has now turned to smothering his younger sister— and hating on her live-in boyfriend, poor thing.
I’m very lucky in that everyone in our familial equation gets along really really well. Me with his family, Mr. Donut with my mine, our families with each other, everyone just gets along.
We’re about half-and-half. I practically lived at her house my freshman year of college when I was still very young and needed a lot of mothering, which she happily provided, but we’re starting to move a little more into the friend territory. My BF is VERY much like his father, so we get to commiserate a lot about their quirks and annoying habits.
What a beautiful post.
My FMIL and I started out more like friends, but after we became engaged, she started trying to become my mother too. Like you said, that’s not what I want either. While I’m still in the “digging heels into ground” stage, your post helped me to look at the situation a little differently and made me think more about what I could do to help the relationship. Thank you!
Such a great, thoughtful post Miss Lovebug! I’m glad that she is starting to see your POV.
My FMIL is not very maternal at all. So she hardly smothers me. Rather, she is the type who wants to shop with me (translation: I pick her clothes and tell her if they look good or not). Also, she likes to tell me what is wrong with FI and what to make him do (or not do). Friends - maybe. Mother - not at all.
It doesn’t seem like she wants to be your “mom.” Having an older brother who is married, I know that my mother has no intentions of being my SIL’s mom, but, she is the mother of her husband and wants the best for my brother. My mom keeps her peace lets my brother and his wife handle their own.
There is a difference between being a mother and a friend. Mother’s in general are not meant to be friends, but to indeed, be the parent of their child. Once we reach adulthood, mother’s titles don’t change, but when their children decide to get married, the mother then opens the door and welcomes someone else to the home.
Your future MIL and you don’t have to be friends to get along. There can be an equal respect between the too. I think people believe that the role automatically must develop but it takes time.
love your post–great insight!
My FMIL has taken sort of a motherly role with her other son’s wife–which worked b/c the wife doesn’t have a good relationship with her own mom. But the same tactic doesn’t really work with me, since I’ve got a good relationship with my own mother…. So FMIL and I are still “negotiating the relationship”…
it’s not easy, eh?
Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories back. I certainly don’t want to make my situation seem like all candy and roses; we certainly have our moments. I think finding that balance is something we’ll probably always be working towards…and really, isn’t that the case with any worthwhile relationship?
Glad to hear I’m not alone in the challenge.
Powerful post. Thank you, Miss Lovebug, for sharing.
I, too, lost my mom. Our wedding in May will be a week away from it being 6 years ago, and my journey and the subsequent “filling” of maternal figures in my life has been in the simplest of terms, interesting.
My FMIL is terrific. I know she senses the huge loss I’ve had, but she respectfully lets me grow with it, offering support and guidance whenever I’m open to it, but not interfering or injecting herself unwantedly.
The question you pose is hard to answer. Yes, we are becoming quite close to each other (in fact, for Christmas she gave me a 40-year old pearl necklace given to her when she taught in Japan!), but I can’t classify her as friend, mom, or anything really yet, other than J’s mom and my future mother-in-law. I know she loves me, and it’s a wonderful feeling, given all the heartache not having my mom around brings. And I suppose I look forward to the future, as our relationship continues to grow and blossom.
I know exactly what you mean about an M-O-M hole that can only be filled by that one person, and that you’re not looking for any replacements. But I am so glad that you have someone there who wants to look out for you, who cares for you, who seeks the very best for you. As with any parent/’kid” relationship, when the kid is an adult, the transition into trusting friendship can be awkward, but it is inevitable.
I wish you all the best with your growing family.
Mrs. Lovebug, Tucson
Age and Occupation in 06: 31, Writer
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Professional Game Show Contestant
Engagement Date: February 18, 2007
Wedding Date: April 19, 2008
Venue: Historic Inn
About Me: Likes: blogging, wikis, semi-colons, cuddling, fragrant flowers, syntax, and spooning. Dislikes: typos, dangling modifiers, flypaper, citronella candles, and run-ons. If I had my druthers, I'd exchange simple vows in a candlelit library. But I lost my druthers long ago...anyone seen them?
Your post touched me so much, thank you. I lost my mom a few years ago. My future mother in law is amazing in every way, I feel so lucky to become a part of her family. And sometimes I feel myself even wanting someone to fill in that hole-but like you said, it almost needs to be there. It cant really be filled, and what I’d really like is a very good friend. Just like you, we’re still working on that balance. Thanks