Those Three Little Words

Those Three Little Words

January 29th, 2008 @ 5:00 pm by Mrs. Caramel

Call me a guy, but I am really bad at encouraging people, complimenting others and most of all… talking about how I feel about my loved ones. I don’t know why, but I’ve never been good at saying the “I love you”s. My parents and I never really said it to each other and I just never got accustomed to saying gushy things like that. You can call me the Miranda out of the SATC girls.

When it came to Mr. Caramel, he’d tell me all the time how I’d make him feel and he would compliment me to death. I would feel so awkward and horrible for not saying the same things back, without feeling fake or forced. It’s common to have a different love language, and words of affirmation have always been on the bottom of my list. (You can take this quiz to see what your Love Language is.) However, ever since the engagement– I have improved (yay me) but since we’ve tied the knot, there has been a new problem.

Both his parents are big on the “I love you”s. I hear him talking so sweetly to his mom and almost always ends with an “I love you.” I think that’s adorable and all, but when he passes the phone to me, I can’t help but have a mini nervous breakdown. I don’t even say it to my parents, but how could I not say it back to my new in laws? Plus, I need to call them by their new proper name in Korean– which I am still not used to. They’re very sweet in wanting me to immediately call them the proper MIL and FIL titles, and I know I’m lucky to have in laws that actually want me as their daughter. But I’m barely able to stutter a nervous “uhhhh we love you too!”then hang up and feel flushed and embarassed. I do feel like this may be good for me since it will help me to voice my emotions more and tell people that I love them, which is always a good thing right?

In my much more cynical days, I used to be highly against saying I love you unless you really, really meant it. (Whatever that meant!) But as I grew older and people died, moved away, etc… I realized we don’t always have the time to say our I love you’s and people may never hear how you feel about them. Plus, I’ve always wanted to build a home where I could freely tell my kids that I love them. I guess I should start practicing now right?

Did anyone else have this little problem, or am I the only stoic meanie who can’t say those three words?

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11 Responses to “Those Three Little Words”

Guest

Sara

I’ve never had a problem saying “I love you,” but I have issues saying it to my FILS. Love is something that comes in time, and for some reason it just feels…forced? They’re awesome and I think they’re amazing, but it still feels uncomfortable. You’re totally not alone!

1/29/08 @ 5:06 pm (reply)

Guest

Yach

Amen sista! I think it’s an (traditional) Asian thing. I was conceived immaculately, my parents never hugged in greeting, never said “I love you”….so all this is pretty awkward for me too. I’ve gotten over it when it comes to friends…but I still can’t say it to anyone whom I view as a parent figure.

1/29/08 @ 5:06 pm (reply)

Member

jilian (message) 372 posts, Helper bee

We dad came from a family where there were no hugs or ‘I love you’s’ - my family likes to think they changed him! Which they definitely influenced him into becoming a more outwardly affectionate person - hugs and all, but I don’t think he ever fully embraced ‘I LOVE YOU’. On the phone I’d say “I love you” and he’d respond “you too”. Kinda funny - when he did say “I love you” I definitely noticed - that’s how rare it was It was just him.

Likewise - my fraternal grandmother - she never says it. Same with the phone conversations. “yep, you too”. It’s kinda cute. I know she loves me, she just doesn’t say it. Hugs are always awkward too - I just go in for them - but you can tell she is a bit uncomfortable.

Even though I’m a hugger and “I love you” person - I don’t say it to my hubby’s family. I don’t feel like we quite have that bond yet! I guess his step-dad might say things like “love ya girl, see ya again soon” when he hugs me - but I probably pull the ‘you too’ comment!

Everyone in my story are southerners - except my dad - they are from WI - maybe that has something to do with it

1/29/08 @ 5:56 pm (reply)

Guest

my parents never really said i love you’s but i did starting from around high school… and my parents always respond to me by saying “me too” but they do it in a cute sing-songy voice… and s/o and i “i love you” each other to death, usually at the end of every phone conversation…

there are those who would argue that “i love you” should be reserved for special times and/or special people.. but im not one of those people. i firmly believe that theres more than enough love to go around, and saying it a million times does not diminish the genuineness or ferocity of my love for those people.

i think its definitely something that will become easier with time - my s/o had pretty much never said it before he met me - whether to family members or anyone else - and now he will grumble if we dont have our usual exchange =]

as for saying it to in laws - again i think that will come with time, but also i wanted to point out - it wasnt clear to me whether they do or not, but i dont think your inlaws *should* expect you to say i love you to them just because you’re now their dil. it was one day, and hopefully, you’ll have a lifetime to achieve that level of closeness with each other.

1/29/08 @ 6:06 pm (reply)

Guest

Bernice

I thought I was the only one who was like that! The more I read, the more I thought “this is my life!”. I’m getting sorta anxious thinking about what our interactions will be like after I get married. I’m even getting anxious thinking about a potential (haven’t decided on this yet) father-daughter dance. I’m afraid I might end up winning the stoic meanie award…

1/29/08 @ 7:37 pm (reply)

Guest

oceanstorm

I have a hard time saying it… or I should say I did until I became comfortable saying it to my fiance. I would say it light-heartedly to my friends, like, “I love you but you’ve got to take care of yourself better.” Now that I’m more comfortable with it with my FI, I say it to my parents more, too. But my FI knows it’s okay that I don’t say it all the time. It’s a little joke between us that when he says “I love you” to me, sometimes I just say, “I know” or “You better.” hehe I’ve never heard my FILS say it and I suspect that they don’t, which is fine by me since I don’t love them so much. lol

1/29/08 @ 7:39 pm (reply)

Guest

mamamiya

maybe it’s a korean or asian thing. I think it’s rare to have affectionate asian parents that always hug or kiss and say I love you, especially dad’s! Dad’s are the definition of not showing affectionate love, they either give you money, or you just have to come to a point that you know they love you regardless of the words. But of course, it starts with your heart.

1/29/08 @ 9:53 pm (reply)

Member

mrspikake (message) 35 posts, Newbee

I was like that when I was in my preteen and early teen years. Then when I graduated high school I realized that I could tell my best friends that I loved them and they weren’t all grossed out. Sad to say, I hardly ever tell my mother that I love her. I say it more to my siblings and to my close friends. It seems like it was harder for my mother to say I love you to us as we got older.

1/29/08 @ 11:25 pm (reply)

Guest

sleeplessinLA

oooooo Mrs. Caramel, you and I must be soul sistas b/c not only did we have the same wedding dress (!) but I also have trouble saying those 3 words… I never ever heard it growing up and so I never ever said it either….BFs would say it to me while dating but I always felt weird/fake saying it back. Now that I’m married, it’s not any easier and I don’t know why. I feel like I have some disorder or something =\ My husband is way more affectionate than me but he gets frustrated with me b/c of this “prob”. I always wanted a family that was very open and free in saying those words but I realize it’s gonna take effort…it won’t come out just because you want it to…you have to force it out until it becomes natural I guess. *sigh*

1/29/08 @ 11:43 pm (reply)

10.

Guest

AMK

I am comfortable saying it to my parents and my husband, but that is about where it ends. I’m re-training myself by practicing on my SIL, who is disabled and is just the sweetest person. If she cares about someone, she tells them that she loves them, and all she really wants in life is to be cared about in return — so how can I not say it when I know how happy it makes her?

1/30/08 @ 10:24 am (reply)

11.

Guest

Ashley Lauran

I have a similar situation. My family is very affectionate on my mother’s side. Not so much on my dad’s side. So I’m sorta used to both ends of the totem pole. However, his family is just the opposite– his dad’s side, a lovely mix of emotional, affectionate, and loving people. We’d been dating for 5 years before we got engaged, so saying ‘I love you’ was very natural when spoken to his family (plus, they always said it first). His mother’s side, a completely different story. They’re uptight, and very strange, in my opinion. >_<.
When we first told his mother that we were engaged, she muttered a half-hearted ‘congrats’ and rolled back over on her couch and watched tv. She later apologized to my FH, but it still upsets me to think about it. The first time she actually hugged me or gave me any affection was when a family member of hers died that I knew, and I made sure she was aware. Although I wasn’t the first one to break the news, I talked to her just minutes after she found out, and she cried, “I love you”. I was so shocked, that I was barely able to stammer out in return. I understand how hard it is to reply back, and I don’t think it’s stoic at all.

1/30/08 @ 10:38 am (reply)