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At the wedding.
Ah the controversial topic of whether or not to have children at the wedding. Let me preface this by saying that each couple has a different idea of what they want at their wedding. I’m all for kids being there, and I’m all for kids not being there.
For our wedding, it will be the latter.
When we began planning our wedding, I told Mr. H how I really wanted a more intimate wedding. The only problem with this is that Mr. H has a gigantic family and we already had to cut a large chunk of his adult family off the list before we even began thinking about the kiddos.
We settled on 200 being our final count: 75 for his family, 75 for my family and 50 for us. As of right now, my parents have 75, his parents list has over 100 people and ours is 50 (mainly because we’ve added some of his family to our list). That’s not including kids… even kids under 21. We are still working on this list.
We have already had a few family member meltdowns over the decision, but, in the end we look at it like this:
1) Our wedding is already twice the size of what we were hoping for.
2) Our reception won’t even begin until 8pm, with dinner not starting until 9pm (which is late for kiddos).
3) Our venue isn’t the most kid friendly, especially in the evening.
4) We want the adults to be able to kick back, relax and have a great time without any worries.
Because most of the people attending our wedding are local, we are not going to be providing babysitters for guests. We would end up having to find sitting services for nearly 50 kids if we chose to do this (and I don’t even want to know what this would cost).
Our guests are more than welcome to bring their children to the church for the ceremony, but the reception will be off limits for the little ones. Since we chose to do this, we felt it was only fair that this rule be in place for everyone, so our cute nieces and nephew will not be able to attend the reception as well (which makes me a little sad each time I think of it).
It was an adjustment for our parents at first, but the deeper we get into planning this wedding, the more they are positive that we made the right decision for our wedding. As long as our immediate families accept this, we feel good about our decision.
Now, here’s where I need your help. How do I politely explain on the invitation that the reception is only for adults? I would say “Adult Reception,” but I’m afraid that might get lost in translation with some of Mr. H’s relatives.
Yeah, this is still one of things that’s best by word of mouth…at least etiquette wise. I’m curious to see how other couples have handled it though. Good luck!
*sigh* We have the same problem. I’ve scoured the net and it seems that the best way to get the word out is to have your bridesmaids/mothers/aunts/whomever spread the request by word of mouth. G’luck and let us know what happens!
I think it’s easier for the parents to just get a babysitter from the get go and leave the kids at home for the church as well as the reception. Otherwise, they’ll have to miss the cocktail party taking their kids home before the reception? Anyway, I would address the invites to just the people who are actually invited and spread the word that the church part is open to everyone.
And stand firm! We’ve have people write in what meals their kids will be having when they weren’t invited in the first place! Grr.
Actually coming from the same culture that Mr. H, I would say it will be really difficult for his family to really take this into consideration. Not that they’re trying to be rude but everyone is invited to weddings in our culture. I’m having one for 500 guests based on this. I think the best way to go about it is by word of mouth as everyone has explained. The ones that are likely to take their kids are the closest family since they feel that they “can”. So just have your FMIL spread the word on her side, I think if she says it, it will have more meaning even then if it was printed on an invitation.
We were lucky - we just addressed the invitations to the parents, and never mentioned children, and they got the message
Our friends were uniformly good about calling us and asking, which really surprised me, and most of them are thrilled to have an evening away from the kids. Our main worry was his family, because he has a large family with many small children whom he’s very fond of. However, our decision not to have kids was so controversial that word spread like wildfire among the family, with the parents of small children the most vocal in defending our right not to have them. So, I am not anticipating any problems. Whew!
I agree w/ Judy. Even if you only address the invites to parents and try to spread the word, the culture is that they will assume kids, too. I even had my mom “spread the word” but one of my relatives just assumed that only applied to everyone else. In the end, my mom had to send a blast email to our entire family saying it in black and white: katie & B love you and your kids, but the reception is adults only (no kiddies invited). We hope you can find a sitter. Finally, this got the message across. 95% of the people replied PHEW I didn’t want to bring them, anyway. But a few were upset, and I think you just have to be prepared, and deal with that. If they are family, they will forgive you and respect your wishes (eventually). Stay strong!!
It’s kind of difficult since you’re splitting the evening, rules-wise. I would address the invitation to the parents only. And then, since a lot of people are not likely to catch the meaning of that, I would include a little note on the reception and/or RSVP card indicating that while you are delighted to include additional family members for the ceremony, the reception is limited to adults. Then you will have to police the RSVPs to ensure that people go the message, and make phone calls as necessary. I think that if you just rely on word of mouth, you’ll make a lot more phone calls and potentially hurt more feelings, in the case of people who just assumed the kids were included.
We’re not excluding kids but a lot of my friends are choosing to leave their little ones at home. Our sites not really set up for kids anyway.
If people call or RSVP that they are bringing their kids, be polite and firm. It’s your wedding. Good Luck!
Agree. The only thing you can do is rely on 1) word of mouth, and 2) addressing invitations exactly to those you are inviting and no more. Then when and if the RSVPs start rolling in with more menu choices than people you invited, you have to stand firm and call those people to let them know that unfortunately, you can’t accomodate children at the wedding.
Also agree that it’s probably going to be easier for everyone in the long run if you don’t invite kids to any part of the wedding — less confusing and more practical for parents, I’d imagine.
Hang in there! We’re also 100% kid free and most everyone has been supportive except for a few — and those people were being so immature and manipulative that I hardly consider it my problem anymore.
Hi - I think if you put their names on the invitation, that would set the tone, or what you could do is enter in the number of people for them on the RSVP…
___ seats have been reserved for you and on invitation it would say:
Peter and Linda Jones…not The Jones Family
Also, I think most people with kids under a certain age know that weddings are not usually kid friendly…
Hi - I think if you put their names on the invitation, that would set the tone, or what you could do is enter in the number of people for them on the RSVP…
___ seats have been reserved for you and on invitation it would say:
Peter and Linda Jones…not The Jones Family
Also, I think most people with kids under a certain age know that weddings are not usually kid friendly…I’m having a kid free wedding for the locals, some of my guests are out of towners and I guess I can’t ask their 4 yr old to stay home with the grandparents, when they too are invited to my wedding.
Could you do two separate invitation pieces? Address the outer envelope to John, Jane, Johnny and Janey. Inside would be an invite to the church ceremony. Also inside would be another envelope addressed only to John and Jane saying an adults-only reception will follow an hour after the ceremony ends (you are going to allot time for parents to transport their kids home without missing out right?) Then have two separate RSVPs - one for the church (__ of 4 reserved seats) and one for the reception (__ of 2 reserved seats.) If you have multiple methods that point to the same thing, it will help drive the point home.
We are going through the same thing. Its not that I don’t want them there but we just have too big of a family to include everyone. We are spreading it by word of mouth. Most people are being okay about it but there have been a few guilt trips, mostly from people who are traveling from out of town and were hoping to make it a family vacation. I am going to try and find babysitters for them but I still feel bad.
I spread the request by word of mouth. My mouth was in charge of that as I am usually out of the loop…
I haven’t heard any complaints, but then, there were plenty of unfortunate events that made most of my extended family not be there either…
Only 4 children showed up…all invited (and most, part of the ceremony, I found it rude to not invite them to the celebration if they had been part of the ceremony)
I simply put in “Strictly an Adult Affair” at the RSVP section. At this day and age, i think people are more practical and they will get your point.
I’m still laughing at 200 people being an intimate wedding. Surely intimate means whittling the list to 50..
I think most people will ask if the invitation is addressed only to invited guests. If you have an rsvp card that is even better that way you know if anyone intends on bringing their kids and you can be direct with only those people.
Ugh. We’re dealing with the same issue. My current solution to the problem is to say on the RSVP “we have reserved __ seats in your honor,” and then write in those names on the RSVP. Hopefully people will get it…but I’m also a little worried that they’ll think “Little Jimmy doesn’t need a seat because he’s too small!” Ugh. We’ll see. Maybe we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it?
I think Indian Bride has a great point. When you get your RSVP cards, you will have a very clear idea of who is coming without having to address the issue in print elsewhere. At that point, you may be able to contact those people with recommendations of sitters if they need them. In terms of etiquette, I think it is best to address the envelope to the invited guests and then make any adjustments you need to based on your RSVPs. That is what I plan to do (I have the same situation you do with a 7p.m. ceremony, and dinner following the cocktail hour(more like half hour) at 8:15).
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Mrs. Hydrangea, Dallas Age and Occupation: 26, Administrative Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Network Analyst Engagement Date: June 2007 Wedding Date: September 2008 Blogging Since: January 14, 2008 Venue: Catholic Church and Reception at The W Hotel About Me: Mr. H and I come from very different cultures and backgrounds so I'm excited to plan our wedding with a balance of both traditions. My mom has always been a DIY queen, and I'm just now starting to get into it with a new house and a wedding to plan!
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