Mrs. Hummingbird, Toronto
Age and Occupation: 25, Publishing Coordinator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Videogame Designer/Cartoonist
Engagement Date: May 4, 2007
Wedding Date: June 28, 2008
Blogging Since: September 18, 2007
Venue: A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.
About Me: I’m a pop culture loving, vintage obsessed foodie living in Canada’s biggest city with my fantastic fiancé and our lovable fluffy cat Bettie. I’m stoked to marry my best friend and to throw what I hope will be
the most fun and colourful party of our lives.
Tacky Or Tasteful?
February 20th, 2008 @ 4:08 pm by Mrs. Hummingbird
I have to admit, I am far from perfect when it comes to wedding etiquette. As a bride, I try to be good and thoughtful (I wrote my engagement party thank you notes the day after our party), but despite all my efforts, there are times that I no doubt do things that would completely infuriate the ladies Post (Emily, Elizabeth, Peggy and . . . Markie? No wait, that doesn’t sound right.)
I sent out my STDs in the order in which I received the addresses, I won’t be hand writing my envelopes and I am not inviting every last out of town guest to the rehearsal dinner.
I personally don’t see these as big transgressions but I know to some people, these are probably major etiquette faux pas since they are so steeped in tradition.
However, clinging to something “traditional” for tradition’s sake doesn’t seem right either. For example, although stag and doe parties are fairly traditional and common place here in Southern Ontario, I can’t picture myself ever throwing one because I think I would feel too weird hitting my guests up for cash to help pay for our wedding.
I know we have a lot of readers here on Weddingbee so I’m curious - because a lot has changed since Etiquette was first released in 1922, what do you consider tacky and what do you consider tasteful when it comes to weddings? Are there any hard and fast “wedding rules”? I am still a bit of a newbie when it comes to all this wedding stuff so, to avoid being eternally damned in Etiquette Hell, I’d appreciate some input here.
29 Responses to “Tacky Or Tasteful?”
Personally I think anything goes as long as you violate etiquette knowledgeably and not out of ignorance. There is generally a reason behind etiquette standards and if you understand that reason and choose to violate it because the reasoning doesn’t make sense for your situation, I think it is acceptable.
Good questions, Miss Hummingbird. I’d say that traditional etiquette for me would be that people invited to the reception should be served some sort of food, and something to drink.
Thank you notes always need to be sent, and they should be sent promptly.
Cash bars are tacky, but there is nothing wrong with having a dry reception. Basically, if you can’t afford it, don’t serve it.
If you formally tell someone that they will be invited (i.e. send them a save the date), they need to be invited- no ifs, ands or buts about it.
I think the most important thing is that etiquette should be centered around making others comfortable. With that said, my biggest pet peeve is not having escort cards or any kind of seating arrangements at a wedding. Guests tend to worry about getting a seat more than enjoying themselves, and no one likes being the last one to a table full of chairs tipped over with jackets on them.
Actually, inviting every out-of-town guest to the rehearsal dinner is not mandatory. I think it’s one of those things vendors have convinced us that we have to do.
Check out “Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings”, her latest etiquette book, which contradicts all of the “must-dos” that add a lot of stress and extra costs to a wedding:
1. The General Principles
2. Terrible Idea I: The Wedding as “My Day”
3. Terrible Idea II: The Wedding as Fund-raiser
4. Terrible Idea III: The Wedding as Show Business
I think its horrid to not allow your guests a guest, especially if they have a significant other, or even someone that they’ve been seriously dating. I think some couples think the wedding is a bit too much “all about them.” True, its a celebration of them, but ultimately, its a party you throw for your guests, and they should feel comfortable.
If I (or Mr. Peng) ever got invited to a wedding in which the invitation clearly stated “for one”, I would throw it in the trash and probably not be friends with that person anymore because I would think that thats incredibly selfish of them…I think it says a lot about someone’s character to have the balls to do something like invite couples as a single. But I’m also straight up crazy, and that’s also never happened to us, luckilly 
I think people lose sight of the fact that it is better to have a backyard barbecue where all guests feel welcomed, rather than a $200 a plate formal event where no one feels comfortable.
I guess thats the piece of etiquette that I feel most strongly about.
always tacky - cash bars(i agree w/miss dahlia, if you can’t afford it, don’t serve it), guests who wear white to weddings(there are so many other colors a guest could wear!), guests who skank it up when attending weddings(i dont’ think i have to explain this)
I’m a stickler for etiquette, but one thing that I’ve bent the rules on is showers — my sister is hosting my shower. Technically, no one closely related to you (sister, mother, etc) is to host your shower. But traditionally, your MOH hosts a shower. So what if your sister IS the MOH? As is the case with me and many, many other brides I’ve known.
I also think you should make every effort to address save the dates, invitations, escort cards, etc. with the name of the guest. Avoid “and guest” at all costs — it’s impersonal, possibly offensive, and lazy. Of course, there are situations where this simply cannot be avoided. but in general, a no-no.
I posted too soon…
In terms of traditional etiquette, I definately think you need to show gratitude to your guests by giving them a decent meal in a comfortable environment and by sending a timely thank you note.
However, it is not mandatory to organize and pay for multiple wedding events above and beyond the reception. Only invite the people and organize the events that you can afford without going into debt.
In my opinion, gifts are optional and guests should give something that fits into their own budget. For that reason, I don’t like the idea of putting registry cards into the invitation. What if the person is a broke grad student or a senior citizen on a fixed income? The registry card implies that their gift must be from your registry at this particular store and that a homemade gift (like a knitted afghan) or something more in their budget would not be acceptable. I think the argument that no one will be able to find out where you are registered is kind of lame– there are meta-engines on theknot.com and weddingchannel.com that will find registries at all the major department and specialty stores. Also, it’s very easy to set up a wedding website for that information. Websites have an added bonus of saving you postage since you don’t need to enclose maps, hotel information, etc.
Also, I think that you should have whoever you want in your bridal party– men or women–people you think will be supportive of you on your wedding day. The bridal party doesn’t need to look like the Rockettes with matching outfits and numbers. Let your attendants wear outfits that complement their bodies. I also disagree with the idea that your bridesmaids are supposed to attend and or throw multiple expensive showers and bachorette parties on top of buying a dress and getting their hair and make-up done. If these things are really important to the bride, then she needs to figure out how to pay for it. I’ve seen some friendships fall apart over bridesmaid expenses.
Several women in my church have had public ceremonies (inviting our entire church) and private receptions. IMO, after you attend the obligatory church shower (yes, you’re expected to attend), purchase a wedding gift, find something to wear, etc., etc., etc., it isn’t too much to ask to have a piece of cake.
Don’t want to offend anyone who had a private reception….but I personally think that anyone invited to a shower and expected to give a gift should be invited to the entire wedding.
As a fellow southern Ontarian I’m completely with you on the stag and doe issue. I’ve never actually been to one, but since I moved to southwestern Ontario I’ve found them to be increasingly common.
We’re invited to one in a few weeks and I refuse to attend on the grounds that (a) I don’t actually know these people..friends of friends of friends essentially, and (b) It is certainly not my responsibility to pay for their wedding. If I actually knew them and was going to be invited to the wedding we would give them a sizable cheque as a wedding gift, but since that’s not the case, I feel no need to finance their wedding.
Sorry..I feel strongly about this!
Lynie - I absolutely agree! you should never ever ever ever invite someone to a shower unless they are invited to the wedding.
The only exception I can think of is if someone at your work throws you a shower and your department attends (and its usually in the office)…what’s everyones take on that? If your coworkers throw you an office shower, do you have to invite them to the wedding?
I’m genuinely curious, I’m not trying to stir the turd. I dont work in an office
Markie Post– lol.
I think true wedding etiquette is much like real life etiquette– be prompt, be courteous, be humble and be grateful.
When I got married the first time, my FMIL had a snit-fit about white tie and tails. She insisted our 6:30pm wedding was a half-hour too early to wear them, so I had to Xerox pages from various etiquette books to silence her! (Thank you, Post women and your ilk!)
Also, all “proper” wedding invitations at the time were Crane, pale cream and engraved, so mine were too– though I rebelled a teensy bit with a slightly untraditional font (so BRAVE, right?).
To me, the above two examples are the kinds of time-honored rules that can now be gleefully ignored. I’m happy to see that wedding invites are so creative and individual now. And if you want to dress your wedding party in white tie and clown hats at 2 in the afternoon– go for it! *
* (However, do at least make sure of proper fit and don’t have 3 inches of waistcoat showing beneath the jacket like a certain White House dweller who shows up at State Dinners looking like he rented his online. Rebellion is one thing, sloppiness is quite another!)
Hergreenapples - Totally with you there! I love my friends and am more than willing to be generous when it comes to wedding gifts, but over the past few years, I’ve received an incredible number of invites to stag and doe parties for people I barely know.
The absolute worst though was when someone I knew back in school years ago e-mailed me out of the blue, soliciting a donation to pay for prizes to give away at her stag and doe which I was not even invited to. Argh!
I don’t think every OOT guest needs to go to the rehearsal dinner either-one site I like said that the RD should not appear to be a mini-reception. I am currently disagreeing with my FMIL over this.
Cash bars!! I think it is so tacky to ask your guests to pay for their own drinks - serve beer and wine only, or don’t serve at all!!
Registry cards in the invitations!! Bad, bad, bad…
Suggestive or profane lyrics in songs played at the reception!! Your great aunt Peg does not want to see your bridesmaids up there grinding to Akon… in fact, nobody does!
The most important part of wedding etiquette is to remember that while the day is to celebrate your wedding it is still a party that you and your family are hosting so your job is to great & entertain your guests and ensure that they enjoy themselves.
Leading up to the wedding the etiquette number one in to consider others while still having the size and style of wedding that you want within your budget. This means you should invite your friend’s long time boyfriend even if it means you can’t invite someone else.
Cash bars are not polite. Go dry or limited instead.
Personally, I like getting registry cards. Otherwise, I’m totally clueless as to what to buy the happy couple - and it prevents them from receiving 6 blenders (in theory). Every wedding I’ve been invited to has included them, & I’ve been grateful for the info. That’s why I will be including them in our invites as well. It’s not practical for me to rely on the “call the family or ‘maids for registry information” motto, especially when 90% of our guests are from out of town and don’t know each other.
i’m with wyobride on the registry cards and i know we’re both in the minority. i don’t think its inclusion automatically says “buy me this from here” because i have been a broke college student [and a broke intern] and sent cards instead of gifts with no problem and that was greatly appreciated by the couples. besides, when you invite people to a birthday party, they always ask what you want…so what makes a wedding different? honestly, i actually wish i could register for my birthday. it’d make life easier than having to sit and think of something on the spot [and no one believes me when i say they don’t have to get me anything].
What do you think of the meal selection on reply cards? I didn’t know it wasn’t along the lines of good etiquette till just a couple days ago and I’m placing my invitation order this week! Otherwise we’ll serve all the guests the same meal… and I don’t like that idea as much.
ninanina- where did you find it written that the rehearsal dinner shouldn’t be a mini reception? I’d LOVE to see it. because my FMIL is inviting ALL 240 of our guests to the rehearsal dinner. and I hate it.
While I have never received a registry card in an invitation - and I would never put them in mine - I think the cash bar thing differs by region of the country. There have been lots of Knot discussions on this. I’ve been to several weddings in Rhode Island that were cash bar only - and these weren’t inexpensive weddings, either. In my home state of Connecticut, it’s basically the opposite: I’ve only been to one wedding that was not open bar (and they were poor and paying it all themselves). Either way, I’d never go to a wedding assuming my drinks would be paid for all night long. To play devil’s advocate to previous comments, a cash bar can help keep a tight rein on the unruliness I’ve seen at open bar weddings in the past.
Things I think are tacky:
1. Registry cards in the invite. Registries are a good idea because you can avoid getting thirty crystal frames.
2. Cash bars. I know that open bars expensive, however, you invited all these guest to YOUR party. If you can’t do the whole cash bar at least serve wine with dinner.
3. Throwing the garter. It seems weird and skanky to have your guy hike your skirt up in front of everyone and then throw your undergarments away. Guys hate it. Not once have I seen guys go crazy trying to catch the garter. They all try to avoid the darn thing. The bouquet toss is fun - but the garter…bleah.
4. The Chicken Dance. This song has no place in any situation (except maybe a grade three music classroom).
5. Multiple showers. Personally, I think one is too many. I have been happily living in sin for four years and we have everything we need for the kitchen and we really don’t need more stuff.
…seriously, I could write a book about all the things that I think are tacky. Most of the things probably aren’t considered tacky by everyone. But I am holding my ground on The Chicken Dance. That song is just SO wrong.
I’m with Sakoro–you’ve got to leaf through the Miss Manners book. If only because instead of giving specific, nit-picky rules the book is more about general principles of hosting a fancy party politely.
Generally speaking:
1. Decide who you want to celebrate your wedding with you, THEN figure out how elaborate of a party you can throw for that many people. Because the food or the venue probably shouldn’t be more important than the people who share the day with you…
2. Treat your guests like GUESTS, instead of piggy banks, gift buyers, rowdy schoolchildren, movie extras, etc.
One of the things that kinda irks me is how so many people (brides & non-brides) seem to think a bridal shower is basically directed by the bride, even though it’s officially hosted by someone else. Showers should just be parties that people decide they want to throw for you at of the goodness of their heart…
Worse than the Chicken Dance? The Money Dance–at least when it’s not actually a family tradition. I’ve heard way too many limp, vague “borrowed culture” excuses for the Money Dances…
OK, down off the soapbox now!
Basically etiquette is there to grease the wheels of society.
The nice thing about etiquette is that it’s there if you need it. If you’re on a sticking point with someone about your wedding, etiquette is a great impartial third party. The down side of etiquette is that it’s been around so long that it’s sometimes tough to change or if you disagree with something, you risk looking like you don’t know your stuff.
I think Mrs. Corn has the right idea that it should be centered around guests’ comfort.
Hey! As a former Southern Ontarian (woo Waterloo) now living in Michigan, my Canadian friends keep asking about the Stag and Doe, and I can’t stand them. So props to you for shrugging the tradition of yanking money out of your friends to pay for your wedding.
Other people have already mentioned my major Dont’s (cash bar, registry card in invitation, etc), but I also had the trend for (multiple!) ridiculously expensive showers and bachelorette parties. Days at a spa, weekends to Vegas, swanky hotels? It’s so excessive and inconsiderate, imo. I have a friend who is a teacher and a few years out of college (so still paying back those loans). One of her friends has organized a weekend-long bridal shower at a ritzy beach condo. Not only is it expensive, but she’s expected to take Thursday and Friday off, not easy for a teacher.
Of course it’s a different story if you can all afford it or someone who can is paying for those who can’t. I’m not judging people who have elaborate showers or bachelorette parties, I just think it exemplifies how wedding expectations are spiraling out of control.
Miss Penguin, your comment under #5 -
“If I (or Mr. Peng) ever got invited to a wedding in which the invitation clearly stated “for one”, I would throw it in the trash and probably not be friends with that person anymore because I would think that thats incredibly selfish of them…I think it says a lot about someone’s character to have the balls to do something like invite couples as a single. But I’m also straight up crazy, and that’s also never happened to us, luckilly”
strikes a chord!! My then ‘good friend (and was my bridesmaid) didn’t invite my fiance to her engagment party. Even though I invited her and her new boyfriend to my engagement party. Needless to say..I didn’t go.
I think that etiquette has changed a lot and pretty much anything goes at this point.
The only things I find to be tacky are when brides and grooms are too eager about the presents - asking for $$ is the absolute worst. I never give money to people who ask for it. Also having multiple showers, or 50+ people at your shower is awful.
Apart from that I think you can do what you like as long as it’s not too offensive. Every couple has different priorities for what they want to spend there money on and how their day will be. I really think we need to stop judging people less on their personal decisions. If someone asks you to attend their wedding and you don’t agree with something they do just suck it up, or don’t attend!!
Weddings are supposed to be fun! Not criticized!! We should all try and judge less and look for the good in the celebration
I don’t get how having multiple showers can be rude or tacky. As long as YOU aren’t hosting multiple showers for yourself…I don’t see a problem with it. I will probably go to 3 showers hosted for me…2 out of town and one in town. One is being hosted my my FSIL and that side of the family, one hosted by my mom’s friends in the town she lives in and one in my town hosted by my BM. How is this tacky? And how is a bride supposed to say no?
