The Thought Of An Illustrious Professor
February 20th, 2008 @ 4:39 pm by Ms. Dahlia
I had a meeting with a professor this afternoon about my possible dissertation topic, and when I might finish my prospectus (i.e. dissertation proposal.) I casually mentioned that I would either finish it in April, or at the end of the summer, but the month of May was basically out because I’m getting married.
And then he started telling me about his wedding, and balancing families’ desires versus the desires of the bride and groom.
(This was a very bizarre situation, because while I like this professor a lot, he’s not generally the type to make too much small talk, especially about the more personal sorts of issues.)
He said, “Weddings aren’t really about the bride and groom at all. Weddings are about the families.”
I’m inclined to agree with him, since it seems like so much of our wedding is to please or satisfy our families. Even though both of us are really happy with how the planning is doing, if it had totally, 100% completely been left up to us, there are some things we would have changed. But I’d like to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Do you agree with the statement “Weddings aren’t really about the bride and groom at all. Weddings are about the families”? Why or why not?
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25 Responses to “The Thought Of An Illustrious Professor”
Definitely. There are a lot of things that we are including in our wedding because it seems like my Mom, FMIL, and step-mom would be heartbroken if we didn’t do these things. I know that all the decisions are up to me, it’s our wedding, but I am also the kind of person that likes to please others…and I don’t mind changing a few things if they’re minor and will make someone else proud/happy and isn’t too much of a fuss.
Without a doubt. While I’d love to say it’s just about us, nearly every problem we’ve come across or heated discussion we’ve had has involved one side of the family or another having problems with the wedding.
We are so preoccupied with not upsetting our families that sometimes we have to step back and say WOAH, this is our wedding, not theirs!
When you think about it, it’s pretty amazing the fits that family members throw about a celebration that (in most cases) they aren’t paying for and is meant to celebrate the two that are up there saying their vows (and doing the planning).
Hmmm. I have to disagree. I think weddings often can be about the family more than the couple, but not always. Whether the wedding is more about the couple or more about the family, I think, depends on a number of factors: who is paying for the wedding; whether the bride and groom are only children or the first or last children in the family to get married; the age of the bride and groom, and some other factors. We paid, we are the third wedding, respectively, in each of our immediate familiies, we are 30. His family traveled two time zones for the wedding, so they were involved very little in planning other than their own travel arrangments. And my family pretty much just showed up as well without being involved in the planning.
So I felt very much along the way that the planning was about us and the day was about us. And I LOVED it that way.
I am totally with the “weddings are about families” thing, though with the caveat that the bride and groom are kind of the central focus. One of the reasons my parents agreed to basically pay for our entire wedding is because it’s as much a celebration for them and their friends and our family as it is for me and my friends. I’m big on the whole rites-of-passage as community-building, which is what a wedding is. It really bothers me when people are like, “Do what you want; it’s YOUR wedding.” Yes, it is our wedding, but it is about so much more than just us.
Absolutely! If it were not for my family, my fiance and I would have eloped by now. For us it’s all about sharing our love for each other with those who love us.
Though many dream about their wedding day since they may have been little, I’m sure their parents have been looking forward to it when they were still in the womb.
I would agree that weddings are, and should be, about the families. Payment issues aside, and perhaps some particular circumstances aside, a wedding is also an opportunity for the bride and groom to thank both sets of parents for everything they’ve done as the couple prepares to start their own family. It’s a once in a lifetime experience for the couple, but also for the parents who raised you, so it’s natural to want them to be happy too. On the flip side of the coin, I find that while there are some things moms will care a lot about, they also want you to be happy with your big day, which is a helpful attitude when sticky situations do arise.
I think its a combination, but definitely tipped towards the “about families.” I think it takes a village to raise a child, and I think a wedding is a union of two children uniting two families, and the celebration of that idea…not necessarily just the celebration of a bride and a groom…I like how Kira put it…it is about so much more than “just us”.
I think it depends on who’s holding the purse strings. Neither set of parents is contributing a dime to our wedding so they understand that they get no firm votes on anything. That said, there are a couple of things we’re doing that we wouldn’t otherwise, but nothing huge. We’re definitely making the day about us. Our goal is to have both us and our families enjoy the day.
It’s a day about the bride and groom, but it’s FOR the families. Or, at least, that’s how I see it.
Agree, when we got engaged we had the mind set it was about the joining of families. I married him and his parents, and his sibling, and so on and so forth. I’m glad I saw it that way because it kept my eye on the bigger picture, and not just on the wedding day.
I agree~
this is what the bf and i both believe! so yes, i totally agree. i used to be of the mind that it was about the bride and groom until i started seeing what happens to those who plan the wedding. he’s of the mind that if it were about the bride and groom then they’d just elope. i figure that they would just do whatever they want without regard to anyone else’s opinions but that’s obviously not the case. this is also why we’re gonna have two ceremonies. one for us and one for the family. lol, that way we get what we both want.
If the wedding was actually about and for the bride and groom we’d be having a big picnic and my guests would wear jeans.
My wedding is all about what my mom wants, what my grandmother would approve of and what my fiance’s family expects. But for some reason I’m doing the planning.
Hope we all have fun anyway!
Totally agree with that. I should have known something was up when both sets of parents said that we could do whatever we wanted (his parents actually meant it). My mom calls me up a few days later and starts talking about x, y, and z.
Well I guess yes and no…
We are having a wedding to show our friends, family and God that we are serious about our commitment. We want them to hold us accountable and to be there to support us throughout our marriage. These are friends and families that we will hopefully be celebrating our 10yr anniversary with.
The wedding is just as much for our families though as is it for US! I don’t want to get married in a courthouse. I want to have a big party and celebrate this very important and big occasion.
I absolutely disagree. Mostly because I really dislike my family and only 4 or 5 of my family members are invited to the wedding.
My fiance and and I’s wedding is mostly about us.
I completely agree with your professor! If we had had it 100% our way (ha!), the guest list would have been slashed by more than 1/2, we would have skipped the hotel banquet hall venue completely in favor of something more quiet and intimate, personalized more (not cost-effective for us, with a 400+ guest wedding), spent a LOT less (and had a lot more for our honeymoon, house, etc.), and could have spent more time on little details, etc. etc. etc.
We enjoyed the wedding, huge and chaotic as it was…after all, it was our wedding! However, it was not how we had pictured it.
I’m getting married on Saturday, and we found out a few weeks ago that my father is terminally ill, and tonight we were told that we will lose him soon. He and my mother might not be at my wedding, but thankfully, this event has turned into a family reunion, with his family coming from far and wide to be with him - with my wedding as an excuse. I’m happy to take a back seat to my family at this time. I wondered for years why I hadn’t found “the one” and now I think I see God’s plan in the timing. Tthank God for this reunion for my dad.
i agree here….to me the ceremony is for the bride and groom and the reception is for the families.
but at least your prof didn’t try to dissuade you from marrying!
my FI graduated with his PhD in Chemistry last summer and there were sooo many instances where his male counterparts were flat out told by their advisors not to marry now bc it would take their focus off their work!!!
i thought that was sooo selfish and self serving. i could see trying to offer a little advice about balancing your home life and your work life, but telling a student NOT to get married is out of line IMO.
At least in our case, it’s definitely not about our families. We’re paying for everything ourselves, and while our families have shown no dislike, they’ve also voiced no interest in participating. So we’re doing things our way 
I was talking to a photographer the other day, and he says he likes to shoot the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner because this is where the combining of families seem to start and he loves to capture that.
That’s what makes this not just another party…and makes it more stressful, since you’re also adding something so emotional and culturally significant.
I agree that weddings are just as much about the family as it is about the bride and groom. I truly believe that a wedding is about joining two families, probably because I grew up in a close family. I’m not saying that family’s opinions should supersede the couple’s wishes, but that everyone should be willing to compromise if necessary. In my family, weddings have always been a family reunion anyway!
Totally agree. It feels a little dirty saying it, but I believe very firmly that weddings have almost nothing to do with the bride and groom.
Agree. Our wedding is about my control freak mother and desperately trying not to piss her off. I can’t wait until it’s over and I can go back to having a say in how I spend my money.
Ms. Dahlia, Detroit/Cleveland
Age and Occupation: 24, PhD Student
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, IT System Administrator
Engagement Date: December 31, 2006
Wedding Date: May 2008
Blogging Since: September 19, 2007
Venue: United Methodist Cathedral & historic downtown hotel in Cleveland
About Me: I enjoy cooking, dancing and swimming. I am a geek and apply game theory to my everyday life. Winter is my favorite time of year, especially when spent curled up with good coffee and a book by Madeleine L'Engle.
I do agree - weddings are mostly about friends and family, and sharing your special day with them. I somehow thought that we would just run down to the courthouse with a couple of witnesses - I just wanted to be married. And then we told our family, and our friends that we were engaged. And it became apparent that it was really important to them to have a way to share in our moment. For us, the important thing is still the actual marriage, not the wedding, and FI reminds me of that whenever planning gets too crazy…