Wedding Blog
Planning an intercultural wedding can be a lot of fun. It’s really interesting to read up on Chinese traditions and learn more about Mr. Cream Puff’s culture. I really wanted to have a Jewish ceremony without squelching Mr. Cream Puff’s culture, which it turns out will not be too difficult (more on that later). There are a lot of questions to answer about how the ceremony will be run, who will say what, what traditions we will utilize and which we won’t bother with.
There was, however, never a question of who would marry us. Neither of us is religious, so I wasn’t too attached to the idea of having a rabbi marry us. Instead, Mr. Cream Puff and I hoped that our friend K would marry us. K is Mr. Cream Puff’s best friend, and they’ve known each other for nearly a decade. He had wonderful things to say about her, and when I met her, I saw why–she is AMAZING. She is seriously one of the kindest, funniest and most selfless people I’ve ever met. I loved her immediately. Luckily, she said she would be our officiant.
Having a friend marry you is a bit more complicated than having a regular officiant marry you, because that officiant has likely been doing this for years and knows what the hell to say. K and I have no idea what she should say, how a ceremony works, or anything else for that matter. Thus, it’s proven a bit of a challenge (but it will SOOO be worth it in the end!).
We’re tackling this part of the wedding planning process slowly, and we started with the all-important task of deciding what she should wear. I wanted her to wear something a little different than the bridesmaids, so people could tell she wasn’t a bridesmaid, and I wanted her to feel pretty. She liked the “sunshine” color, which none of the bridesmaids ended up choosing, and picked out the dress to the right (Alfred Angelo 6640)–and we’re pretending we never saw that heinous scarf thing. I also feel the need to note that the color is much prettier in person). I’m really excited that K will look special, because her dress will be longer than the bridesmaid dresses. I’m also really excited about how this whole color scheme is coming together!
As I figure out more about how our ceremony will be run and what K will actually say, I’ll keep you guys updated.
What about you guys? Who have you chosen to marry you? How did you come to that decision? And if you’re getting married by a friend, how are you figuring out what that person will say?!
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Share this post: Choosing An Officiant
i’m interested to hear about how you’re doing a jewish wedding without a rabbi. unfortunately, my family has gotten a LOT of pushback from rabbis who refuse to perform our ceremony for a variety of reasons (mostly because it’s interfaith, but we’ve had probs with interfaith rabbis too!). which traditions are you incorporating? is K jewish, so that she’ll sort of know what she’s doing in that sense?
We’re getting married by our priest who I worked very closely with when I was active in campus ministry at my university. Not only is he a priest, he knows FI and I very well, which is very important to me. He has been so supportive of us, particularly as I go through discernment to be a priest, so I know he will do a wonderful job.
we haven’t decided who is going to marry us either (also an interfaith marriage). I’m looking into asking someone I know who is an ordained minister but asking her to do a civil-type ceremony. I’m having family friends add in the jewish traditions (ketubah, some prayers & the breaking of the glass).
I’m Christian, my FH is Jewish, and we’re having our Buddhist friend do the ceremony! We love the idea of love in any language… or religion! We will incorporate traditions from all sides to make it truly unique and personal.
Aren’t there some legal ramifications you have to remember for this? I thought the officiant, or at least who ever signs the marriage license, had to be state-recognized in order for it to be legal and binding . . . .
We asked our good friend to perform the ceremony and it was one of the best decisions we made. Neither of us are particularly religious and felt that we’d rather have a good friend standing in front of us than some stranger we’ve only met once. As for vows, we scoured the net for verses then sat down with our friend and cut & pasted to our hearts content and then added some of our own phrasing as well. Worked out great!! I can email you ours if you’d like.
I assume your friend is getting “ordained” by one of the online ministries. Do make sure to research your state’s laws on this.
Many states do not recognize marriages performed by religious celebrants without a congregation– ie. those who only perform ceremonies. This is not something a state is likely to prosecute you (or her) for, but it could be a problem down the road with such things as insurance claims, tax liability, medical decision-making, etc. if it turns out that you were never legally married.
Many people assume that if their license is accepted and filed, it is automatically legal, but it’s not. The onus is on the couple to make sure their celebrant is authorized.
If your state IS one that won’t allow your friend’s to be the legal signature on your license, you can always get a judge to marry you in his chambers before or after your wedding ceremony.
My dad happens to be a judge, so we lucked out. He was able to do both the legal marriage in the states and the symbolic one in Italy!
We area having a friend marry us, and so the book “The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day” by Judith Johnson has been invaluable. It covers everything regarding a ceremony, from start to finish. It has tons of passages for the ceremony, and is a great source.
I was the officiant for two of my best friends and the requirements differ from state to state. I couldn’t have a friend marry us in NC unless he/she was willing to get ordained online. In MA, however, you can fill out paperwork to get a limited license specific for one ceremony date - I used to refer to it as a “Joey from Friends” license, because the Monica/Chandler ceremony was from around the time of their wedding.
For the ceremony, we scoured the internet and some books at Barnes and Noble. Their ceremony was a personalized combination of things that we saw that they loved. The only part that they didn’t orchestrate was a little piece in the middle where I explained who I was and why I endorsed their marriage with all my heart. It turned out pretty nicely =)
It is tough to find a nice outfit for an officiant, though! When I agreed to do it, the bride promised that I wouldn’t have to wear a choir robe or anything hideous like that! We ended up with the really cute Watters and Watters 2 piece with the portrait neckline style 7321 I hope that link works!
We had a friend marry us in California (where Miss Cream Puff is getting married) - it’s no problem here, but she will need to get an on-line ordination.
I think the dress looks beautiful! The person who married us wore a nice suit and changed into a cocktail dress for the reception (her choice). It was important to her to look “official,” and I agreed.
We had a friend ordained online and he performed our ceremony too. We’ve been married a year now and I’m still so glad that we went this route. It was so personal to us.
I have the same suggestion as Clarissa: http://www.amazon.com/Wedding-Ceremony-Planner-Essential-Important/dp/1402203438
This was, hands down, the best resource for us in planning our ceremony. I LOVE this book!
I also think Miss Penguin is using the same book too. It’s become quite popular!
We’re having one of our close (guy) friends marry us, too. He got ordained online at ULC (we’re in CA so it’s “legal”), but we have NO IDEA where to start. I’ve been looking through readings and whatnot on Indie Bride, but we haven’t sat down and figure out what to say quite yet.
Our friends are licenced to marry us and they married a few other couples. I’m so excited to be working with them on our ceremony. FI and I wrote out our own ceremony using the Wedding Ceremony Planner. I triple the reccomend it!
You guys freakin’ rock. I just ordered the book. I have the “I Do” book by Sydney Metrick, but that one seems to be more about general concepts and vow-writing. Thank you for the recommendation!!
beanchar–we’ve got the legal stuff all worked out, but it’s definitely a concern. I realized that after I read a NY Times article on the subject. I’ll include that in a future post about ceremony writing. Thanks!
My fiancee’s dad will be marrying us; he’s a retired minister and will have married all five of his children after our wedding. Neither of us is particularly religious, and I don’t think we would have chosen a remotely religious ceremony otherwise, but we trust him to come up with readings and passages that best fit our style. We’re also going to have at least one secular reading … just haven’t chosen it yet.
After reading miss penguins blog, I went right to amazon.com and ordered “The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day” by Judith Johnson. It is perfect because there are so many suggestions for all types of weddings. She breaks the ceremony down into sections which makes it so much easier to manage. Plus the author threw in a bunch of technical advice that will really help a first time officiant. I asked my MOH’s mom to be our officiant since we are not religious at all and being around her makes me feel so good and calm (a must for the wedding day). We have the ceremony “script” completely written and are now just starting on our vows!
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Mrs. Cream Puff, San Francisco Bay Area
Age and Occupation: 25, Illustrator
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Merchandise Planner
Engagement Date: May 27, 2007
Wedding Date: August, 2008
Blogging Since: February 7, 2008
Venue: Ceremony at Crissy Field and Reception at the Green Room
About Me: I never dreamed about my wedding as a little girl because I was too busy playing in the mud or pretending to be Martha Stewart–but now that it's here, I'm having a fabulous time DIYing everything in sight! We’re planning a very fun multicultural wedding (I'm Jewish and Mr. Cream Puff is Chinese), filled with as many personal details as I can muster.
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