Wedding Blog

I just received this email from one of the attorneys we work closely with “in light of my upcoming wedding”.  Enjoy!

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

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DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

I forgot to mention that you should be sure to purchase the latest version of Husband 1.0. I understand that, if you run an older version of Husband 1.0, Hot Lingerie 7.7 might crash your system. If you decide to run an older version of Husband 1.0, then run Flannel Pajamas 7.1 instead of Hot Lingerie 7.7 just to be on the safe side.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Request for Technical Support, Incident #99-02-14-01 (Installing your Wife)

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and I can find no documentation on several features. For example, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as RunAnywhere 10.3 and StayOut 2.5 cause freezes. Also, the new program has spawned a couple of unexpected child processes that have taken up a lot of space and resources. I was considering going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but there does not seem to be a “revert to previous state” feature.
Can you help me?

Registered User #10-1-13-5-19

Response to User #10-1-13-5-19, Incident #99-02-14-01

We receive many inquiries to this perceived problem. However it is almost always the result of a common error.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. This is a serious misconception. Although Wife 1.0 includes many Utilities and Entertainment functions, Wife 1.0 is actually an entire Operating System. It has been designed to run everything.

Warning! Do not try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0. Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Many have tried “workarounds.” These only complicate the situation. For example, some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist. Others, in an ill conceived attempt, have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. This almost always results in serious system conflicts, possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash.

We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters. I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you provide needed maintenance time. To free up CPU time and improve performance, be certain that you have terminated your several search and scan routines. Because each copy of Wife 1.0 is a uniquely configured system, no single manual will cover all enabled features. New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You should consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration. Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential. There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.

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Heard any other good wedding jokes lately? Do share!