Wedding Blog
So on Tuesday, we officially sent out our invitations (more to come on that). Today, as I sat at lunch with 4 of my (invited) coworkers, I asked if anyone had gotten anything in the mail lately. One coworker had. Let’s call him coworker X. Time passed.
Miss BG: So, coworker X, how’s your girlfriend? *we recently met his new girlfriend*
Coworker X: She’s good. She wants to know if she’s invited to the wedding.
Miss BG: Oh, uhh, *stunned silence*, well, she’s not…
Coworker X: Oh, okay. I was just wondering, because normally, on the RSVP card, there might be a space for a guest.
Miss BG: I know, I’m sorry - we just made a strict policy that we would only be inviting significant others for people who were in established relationships when we made our guest list.
Annnnnnd then the rest of the lunch passed with everyone making awkward conversation.
At first, I felt really bad. As I sat there in silence, I was SO close to just saying, “you know what? Bring her.” But then I realized, I felt bullied. I don’t think he meant it that way - I’m certain that he just didn’t know a good way to ask. But I felt cornered, and I knew I couldn’t budge - we are totally budget-constrained. Plus, I am sure that at this point, he has passed the message along to his girlfriend - so whether we grant her the okay or not, she will just plain not be happy.
So the invitations have been in the mail since Tuesday, and already it begins. Am I being unreasonable? What would you do/have you done?
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Share this post: No More Sig O’s
no, please stick to your guns! It’s been three years since I got married, and I am STILL angry about the people I felt bullied into inviting- SO, younger sisters, new BF, etc. and you know what? 3 years later, we’re still not even friends!
Don’t be bullied! It’s a wedding, not a birthday party. Weddings are expensive and you can’t necessarily afford to invite every single person you might liked to have. My aunts have tried to do this to me re: kids at the wedding (including pressuring me to have their kids IN the wedding).
If this comes up again re: dates, maybe a more clear cut answer (even if not entirely true) would be to say you only invited people with dates if they were married, engaged or living together. I think some people — rightly or wrongly — get offended by the “serious relationship” cut off because everyone’s definition of “serious” is different.
i would have done the same thing and plan to do the same thing if that happens! more guest=more money and im not interested in having people at my wedding i barely know. good work!
I think you handles yourself very well. I wish people would email those type of questions so you can have time to think of a response instead of feeling on the spot. We are allowing “and Guests” due to our reception venue has a 100 guest minimum and small families…. we want to make sure that if we have to pay for at least 100 that there are at least 100 there. I’m so glad because I’d hate to get these questions. I just have to deal with the no kids allowed situations. 
Guest list are delicate matters and I don’t blame you for not caving, as it were. However, I’m not sure that explaining your rationale is the best approach in circumstances like these–when you give that explanation, it makes it seem as if you are making a judgment about his relationship. I would say something very generic about “unfortunately, we weren’t able to invite everyone we would have liked.”
I think you handled the situation gracefully. That’s how it SHOULD be done! Don’t get pushed into making this anymore difficult financially. We have the same policy on our end, and I have to say…. its been hard, but we’re sticking to it. Good job!
I think you handled yourself very well. It was awkward for him to bring it up that way in front of everyone, so don’t feel bad for not knowing how to respond. And don’t feel bullied. Because then if you let him bring HIS new girlfriend, then you’ll have to let every other new girl/boyfriend in as well. You guys decided no “and guest” for a reason, so good job for sticking with it!
I would have not invited my coworker if I’d known that I didnt have space for him to have a guest. Any time either Mr Peng or I is invited to a wedding without the other, I’m insulted and I don’t go/he doesn’t go. But if that was your policy, you did the right thing not to let him make you budge, because if you made an allowance for him, you’d have to do it for all your coworkers.
I am very afraid of this same situation. I am trying to touch base with as many singles as I can before invitations are sent to explain my reasoning, but the thought of the conversations makes me nervous. I think you handled yourself very well. I am glad you did not allow yourself to be bullied!
you handled the situation very well! i’ve also felt bullied. the person sent me an email that said “XX and I are so excited to come to the wedding! I really want XX to meet everyone from college,” to which i replied “we weren’t including XX in our guest count. if there’s any space, we’ll let you know. maybe if you want him to meet your friends, you could do it at our annual reunion, not my wedding.”
it was a little (a lot) abrasive, i know, and i wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t via email, but i was just SO mad at her for using my wedding as an excuse for her to show off her new bf! and now i don’t even want her to come.
I think you handled it very well. I’m going to remember than for when people start trying to bully me!
you handled it perfectly. i have to say, though, that it was rude of your co-worker to put you on the spot like that; he should’ve asked you one-on-one! you’re not being unreasonable at all.
Good for you for standing your ground. People will appreciate your consistancy in the long run!
We have basically the same policy — if you’re not engaged or living with your significant other, they’re on our B list. If we have room when all is said and done, they can come, but when my fiance and I are each only allowed to invite 12 friends, I don’t want to sacrifice my own friends to have someone bring a significant other that I don’t even know.
I have a good story — we sent out our STD’s a full year before the wedding, since we’re getting married on a holiday weekend and everyone from my side of the family has to fly in (it’s in his hometown). We sent out the STDs just in the name of the person invited — I mean, it’s only a save the date, NOT an invitation, and it’s a year away — half the people have broken up with their significant others within the year. The DAY a friend of my fiance’s gets his STD, he calls up and demands to know if his girlfriend can come, because he plans on proposing within the next 6 months. My fiance says congratulations, of course if they’re engaged she can come, etc., though we were both kind of offended that he was THAT concerned A FULL YEAR ahead of time if the girlfriend could come. Fast forward 10 months, and they’re still not engaged, and he sent an email to my fiance asking once again if he could bring her, before the invites even went out. First, I was pissed that he sent an email — why not call if you’re going to ask a question — and he used the SAME line again — we’re going to be engaged within 6 months. What? Don’t use the same excuse if you’re not going to follow through! So we told him the same thing, he’s just invited as himself now, but if we have room at the end (which we probably will), he’ll be at the top of our list to invite a guest. I’m sorry, but they’ve been together over three years, and I’ve NEVER MET HER. If she’s that important to him, you would think he would have brought her around once or twice. Just saying. And when we can invite so few of our own friends, I’d rather seem someone I’ve known for a long time, someone who really cares about us and wants to be a part of our lives, over someone I’ve never met.
My take on it is that if I invite you without a guest and you only wanted to come to my wedding to be with your significant other and not to celebrate with me, then frankly you’re not a good enough friend in the first place to warrant a spot on my guest list, so good riddance! I’ve been to plenty of weddings alone while I was dating my fiance, and still always had a great time — it’s about the married couple, NOT about the guest bringing a date!
My sister was bullied into inviting someone to her wedding just a week before it took place. It sucked and she regretted giving in. Good for you for sticking to your original plan. With 3.5 weeks until I send invites out, I am dreading invite drama. It is SURE to happen.
as an admitted violator of this very thing, i’m glad you at least said no instead of feeling pressured to allow him to bring his gf. but i’d give him the benefit of the doubt…he did sound a little awkward in asking so maybe the gf pressured him to ask? either way, if you’re on a budget and/or simply can’t invite more, then it’s much better [and welcomed] being upfront from the get go than saying yes and then being secretly upset at the person who now thinks it was okay. though i agree with lucy that it did sound like you were passing judgement on his relationship; a simple “we’re at max capacity” or something would have saved some awkwardness.
that said, i don’t think any bride and groom should feel pressured to invite anyone else. just be honest with the asker. i think asking if its okay to bring someone is a natural thing but it’s not like they’re holding a gun to your head and demanding that you let them. you will save yourself a lot of stress and ill feelings and will probably still have them as friends. a guest list for a one day event is not worth losing a friend over.
I think you handled it well, but I probably wouldn’t have added in that much explanation - because as someone above said earlier, he might have been insulted at you determining the serious-ness of their relationship.
“We really loved meeting [girlfriend], but space at the wedding was very limited.” seems like its a good catch-all.
“only invited people with dates if they were married, engaged or living together” only works if that is what they did. I can think of a couple that I know that don’t meet any of those requirements, but they’ve been dating for 4 years or so, and I wouldn’t dream of inviting one without the other.
I agree with Lucy’s suggestion. Even though you may have drawn an artificial line in the sand over who you think is in a steady relationship, it’s not very polite to tell people that you think theirs didn’t make the mark. Simply stating that you have a tight guest list may have alleviated some of the discomfort in the room and he may not have taken it as a personal judgement.
Everyone makes their own decisions about the guest lists, the per guest cost, venue size, etc. and makes their own concessions. Just be aware that those who have bfs/gfs and were not extended a guest may decline the invitation due to that fact.
it seems like you handled it well. by mentioning that the invites were determined by those who had SO’s at the time you created your guest list clears you IMO. who knows when you and your FI worked on your guest list???
next time, just say “No” and move on cheerily. you have no reason to offer an explanation.
I’m fearing a similar situation happening to me, so I have started giving off subtle hints to my single friends about how “our location can only hold 150 ppl max”, and how “fiance and I are having major issues finalizing the guestlist”.
You did the right thing by not backing down to your coworker though.
I once asked if I could bring an SO-at-the-time to a wedding (he was in town visiting for that particular weekend). The bride froze for a bit, said she would check, then later said it was OK.
I realize now it was probably a faux pas, but I didn’t mean it to be bullying– I was just wondering and wouldn’t have been offended had she said no. A lot of people don’t understand the significance of bringing someone along; a wedding’s just like any other party to them. Just chalk it up to ignorance.
I had a very similair experience. Due to a limit from the venue on # of people, we are not inviting children unless they are immediate family and/or in the bridal party. I have a co-worker make me feel just like you lfelt by saying “What, kids aren’t invited? I am traveling from out of town and we were planning on making this a family vacation.” I didn’t know what to say and I still feel guilty.
rzblna - I wouldn’t call it “ignorance”…I guess it is rude to ask a question like that, but its also rude not to invite someone’s SO…so however you look at it, theres confusion all around.
If I were invited to a wedding without my Mr., I may not go. No, it is not about only wanting to spend time with my SO, but I may not know others at the wedding, or I may have to travel to attend. Yes, you are there to celebrate with the bride and groom, but you don’t often get more than 5 minutes with them!
We invited all of our guests to bring a +1. The whole “engaged, living together or married” thing didn’t feel right to us, because not everyone chooses to live together. Also, our friends are spread across the country, so I don’t think whether you have met their SO is a fair determination.
I have to admit, I was in the same situation at rzblna. I felt AWFUL after getting the bride’s reaction. I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse in my life and out of pure embarressment, did not even want to go to the wedding, which I when I first found out about her engagement, was doing cartwheels for her!
It really was just due to ignorance because I had never planned a wedding before and didn’t realize how much they cost or that there were venue restrictions. I have learned since not to make that mistake, but I definitely learned the hard way.
It really isn’t the couples fault or the guests in my opinion. I think it’s unfair for some to call their guests rude when they likely just didn’t know any better. Simply communicating your hardship in finalizing the guest list due to budget and/or venue restrictions should be enough. I’m sure once that is communicated, they won’t be as offended and you won’t feel as bad.
I know its hard to stomach, but most of your guests will see your wedding as another party… a party where they don’t want to show up alone at. It does not have the same special meaning to them as it might to you, and they are not enraptured in every planning detail as you are to understand the stress that they are putting you through.
Just remember, as bad as it makes you feel, I’m sure they are feeling the same. Sorry to be such a downer.
I agree with Lucy and Lemon.
I think it’s perfectly fine to veto additional guests, after all it’s your wedding! But perhaps it’s better to mention space limitations/monetary limits (as others have said) instead of out right telling guests you made a personal judgment on the legitimacy of their relationship. That’s a wee harder to take I think.
Maybe approach him again and explain further so there are no hard feelings?
“I don’t think whether you have met their SO is a fair determination” — that may apply to you, Chrissie, if your friends are so spread out, but you can’t apply that rule across the board. We have plenty of friends in this area who live here, their significant others are here, we invite them (with their significant others) to parties/festivities/etc here but they always decline because they “weren’t in the mood” and are then offended that they didn’t get an invitation to our out of town wedding? It’s one thing if you work or make an effort to meet us, but we have two friends whose girlfriends live right here in DC, we’ve invited them to MULTIPLE parties/game nights/you name it, and they’ve never wanted to make an effort to meet us. And then they get upset that how could we not invite them to our wedding? Our wedding is costing $225 per person. If my at-home game night or Chrismukkah party isn’t exciting enough for you to attend, I don’t want to shell out $225 for you to come to my wedding, especially when it means not being able to invite someone that I actually do want to be there.
While we’re on the topic of “uninvited” guests — does anyone have any advice on how to handle someone who thinks they’re invited to a wedding?! As I mentioned before, we can only invite a very limited number of our own guests (my parents and his parents have hogged up almost the entire 175 person guest list and our ceremony space is capped at 175), so we’re only inviting nearest and dearest. We have one friend who we see on occasion who has made multiple comments to our other friends who ARE invited (because they are in the bridal party) about how he can’t wait to come to our wedding with his girlfriend (who we didn’t even know existed?) but we weren’t going to invite him because we’re not that close, and frankly we find him annoying. Just because we share mutual friends who ARE invited, are we supposed to invite him?! What do we tell him? I mean, the “we’re space limited” does sound kind of lame when we are having 175 people… it’s just that our parents are using most of the space, and if we have our own friends who can’t come… he’s not at the top of our list for friends to squeeze in.
I say stick to your decision. You already have a lot going on. My FI and I are going to invite SO’s that are engaged or married to our friends/relatives. If they are not engaged or married, we will invite them if we personally know them. For instance, a good friend of mine has been with/living with her SO for about 3 years. I am not going to invite him because I have not met him.
I feel bad but I have to stand my ground. I’m already dreading our invites because I know this is going to happen a lot.
We are only inviting +1s if they are engaged or married for the same reason: budget constraints. It sucks not being able to invite everyone, but at the same point, sometimes you just have to put your foot down. Weddings are VERY expensive and one of the ways to save money is to cut your guest list. I think you handled it well. I know I would’ve said something very similiar in the same situation.
For Julieulie, I would just tell the annoying guy that your parents and his parents have very large extended families and friends they want to invite, so you could invite a few of your *closer* friends. And then suggest that you could celebrate with him afterwards?
You are not being unreasonable. We had the same rule. My husbands friend was engaged when we made the guest list, so we planned to invite his fiance (though neither my husband or I had ever met her). Before invitations were sent out, they broke off the engagement and the relationship. So her name came off the list. After all we didn’t know her. After the invitations were mailed and received, they got back together. He kept asking my husband if she could come. It caused a big fight. But in the end we said no.
If I were the guest I wouldn’t be offended. But that’s not all people. In my opinion unless guest is specifically marked on the envelope or the RSVP card, it’s common sense that none are invited.
I have to agree with Miss Penguin and M&M - on our guest list, with the single people, we are automatically adding the option for them to bring someone. Being single myself for several years, there is no way I’d have gone to a wedding by myself unless I had another close friend going as a single or had a date. As M&M said, most guests are going to look at your wedding as another party, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s good that you stood up for yourself, because you wouldn’t want to add extra problems just because you couldn’t say “no”. And of course, making the guest list is really hard and you want the people you like the most and who mean the most to you to be there to share the day with you - you don’t want to not be able to invite them because of all your +1’s.
But with that being said, part of your job at the wedding and reception is to be a gracious host - you want your friends to have a good time. And many times, that means allowing them to bring a +1.
Well, it is good to know that we are not alone in that all our single guests are allowed a +1. In our minds, it is a tad rude to not allow our guests someone to keep them company or to even dance with. I have always thought of things from the guests perspective. To be honest, if I was your guy friend, I would have done the same. I am glad you stuck to your pre-determined guns, but I feel that some people are quick to reprimand guest’s unintentional etiquette faux pas. Just my two cents.
Miss Bubblegum I just want to tell you thank you for addressing this topic which has been a heartache (and headache) of mine since we announced our engagement. I just feel that because the majority of our guests (our friends) have not gotten married (or had a “big” wedding) they have a limited comprehension of the expense (per person!) that goes into a wedding.
I definately think you did the right thing! I totally agree with julieulie inviting people who care about us vs people we’ve never met.
Thanks so much! 
Yikes, that sounds unpleasant!! But I’m glad you stood your ground - don’t get bullied! You have every right to invite whoever you want to your wedding and NOT invite whoever you don’t want!
That said…I too am guilty of once asking if I could bring Mr. Bluebell (when we were living together but not quite engaged). I didn’t know aaaanyone else that this girl knew and it honestly seemed really daunting. She (kind of snippily) replied that only engaged & married SO’s were invited - and honestly I was offended. We’d been living together like 2 years and I didn’t know a single other wedding guest!! I think it’s perfectly fair if you don’t have space/money to invite extra people you don’t know or care about, but I do prefer if people are more honest about their reasons than making judgments on my relationship.
That said - I think what you said was a perfect way out, since at the time you made the guest list they WEREN’T a couple. But don’t think he was intentionally trying to bully you, since I bet he just didn’t realize that would be a rude thing to ask. People really ARE ignorant about most of this wedding stuff until they go through it themselves!
I’m wondering how other people with limited capacity venues managed to deal with guest lists. I advise all of you with limited capacity venues to anticipate that you’ll need to add some new friends or new S.O.s to your wedding, particularly if your engagement is longer than a few months. Or you will have to deal with some unhappy friends.
I’m having a small wedding, and we drew up our guest list based on who we knew and who they were in relationships a few months ago. Because our venue was so small, I thought that it was reasonable to invite people’s S.O.’s who existed at that point, but not give a +guest to every person because we have a lot of single friends who know each other so certainly wouldn’t be alone at the wedding. Oh, how naive I was. 
Now people who were totally single have S.O.s they didn’t have before and want to bring them. We’re happy to have the other S.O.s there if we get declines and have space in the venue. But this is a very painful issue for some friends.
I’ve been invited to weddings in the past both with and without my S.O., even after I was engaged! At first I was peeved about that then realized that the guest list was drawn up long before we were engaged.
I was rather shocked by one friend who said she was going to bring her (uninvited) new boyfriend to the ceremony but was going to decline the reception because he was not invited.
I agree that a lot of people who have not been married before are not aware of the etiquette around weddings.
I’m in the middle of reading Mrs. Manners On {Properly Painful} Weddings and just read the chapter on the guest list last night. According to custom and etiquette rules, you created your guest list exactly the way is should be. Only truly “significant” others should be invited, there should never be “and guest.” I also feel like a wedding should be people who know you and truly care about you. You just met her, and she may yet become a great friend, but she isn’t yet. So bravo for you and stick with it. You’ll be much happier in the long run.
I agree with Lucy, Lemon and Spider.
Of course you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want. But, try to understand your guest’s point of view. It’s definitely easier to hear, “We have a strict capacity limitation.” Or, “Our budget only allows us X number of guests and Mr. BG has TONS of cousins!” As opposed to, “You’re not in an established enough relationship yet for us to invite your girlfriend.” And while I fully acknowledge that is not what you actually said, that’s what your co-worker heard.
You obviously feel a little bad (hence the post, right?)… so just approach him, apologize and give your very understandable budget limitation reason.
Then forget about it. Life is too short, right?
i did the same thing. unless i knew they were married or in super serious relationships we didnt invite sig figs. as bad as i felt. stick to ur guns.
julieulie, I was just saying what we did for our guest list. Not trying to apply anything across the board or trying to offend anyone!
We have a ‘no plus ones’ policy too. If any of our gifts weren’t seeing their other half six months before the wedding, it just doesn’t count as serious enough for us. You have to draw the line somewhere. Don’t feel bad… he’ll understand one day (probably when he’s marrying her!)
warning - this will be long!
i’m glad you are sticking to your guns! i tried to accommodate every single request for a +1 and honestly some of these requests just pissed me off. but at the end of the day, i wanted them to have fun, so i just started counting everyone as a party of 2 - and then whittled it down from there. however, i was still mad about some things:
one of the groomsmen in my wedding is COMPLETELY single, never dates, etc. and never brought dates to other friends weddings. but for MY wedding, he TOLD us that he was going to bring a date, even though he didnt know who he was going to ask, considering he wasnt dating anyone! i thought that was SO rude, but i accommodated him because he was in the wedding party. (i’m still mad about it, and really dont like hanging out with him after his boldness).
then, i let some people bring guests when they were single, with people they had been dating a short time - since they PROMISED that they would bring a date. guess what? one girl showed up sans date. there was an empty chair next to her all night - which pissed me off since it was a $200+ plate!
then another girl brought a friend as her “guest” and not even a date, cuz she just didnt want to come alone (even though she knew people at the wedding).
taking all these into account, i could have invited another couple who were cut from our list - and we’re so close to them now!
stick to your guns about your rules. dont be bullied cuz weddings are expensive! guests should know better than to impose their own guests onto others. my husband (then live-in boyfriend) went to a wedding and i was not invited at all. i didnt know the bride, i barely knew the groom - and they were on a tight budget. the only awkward thing was that when the DJ asked everyone to come to the dance floor - none of the single guests danced, since they were alone. =)
Wowza, what a response. We are back and forth on this. To me, co-workers are very different guests than family/friends. FI wants to invite his entire office (23 people), and obviously these guests will have eachother to hang out with. A few have spouses/ SOs, but most don’t. The spouses/SOs are invited, but anyone who doesn’t pipe up before we send out the invitations, they are out of luck.
I DON’T think its rude to not invite a +1. In fact, I do think it’s rude to write “and guest” and NOT try to figure out the name of the guest.
I feel that it’s rude to ask you if they can bring an extra person if they were not listed on the invite plain and simple. Do not feel guilty. It’s hard enough to decide to invite co-workers in the first place. If you invite the few you are close to, do you need to invite everyone? ( in my case, yes ) It’s not like they will not know ANYONE …you invited 3 other people from your work. I was never offended when my FH was invited to weddings and I wasn’t. I barely knew those people, why would I be angry? On the other hand - I do have 2 friends coming from out of town that I am allowing to bring a “guest” even though they are not dating anyone at this moment. They are flying in from out of town and they won’t know anyone, so yes, the situation called for them to bring someone that they could talk to and dance with.
I am going through this right now except with people wanting to bring their children. Not a day goes by that I am not getting a call, “Is my baby invited” ?
Okay, I absolutely realize how expensive weddings are, but to take a few steps back and look at the scenario from another direction:
My boyfriend went to a wedding about a year ago without me. He was a groomsman, and I was totally okay with all of this - we’d been dating for slightly less than a year. I didn’t know his friends, it was the other side of the country, etc.
But afterwards, I had to hear about how hot the bridesmaid he was paired with was, how the pianist totally wanted him, how he and one of the other groomsmen stayed at a hotel and let a female friend from HS stay with them.
Now, I love my boyfriend, I completely trust him, and I know he said it because it thinks it’s cute when I’m jealous. But he is NEVER going to another wedding without me.
whoah, lot of posts. didn’t read them, but do NOT change your mind. My aunt has been asking for a year if her kid can come, and for a year we have said no. I finally emailed back and said bluntly, no, not a bday party. sorry, no kids. too bad. not in those exact words. then, my other aunt calls and actually asked if her 17 year olds daughter’s f*ing boyfriend could come!!! no freakin’ way. too bad for them!
Wow, just realized that I’m PMSing and should moderate the tone of my last post.
I don’t really meant I’ll never let him go to a wedding where the couple won’t invite me.
I think the point I was trying to make was that weddings are known as “hookup spots” which is probably why the girlfriend is interested in going with the boyfriend: because if she doesn’t, she’ll have nightmares about your aunt grabbing him and saying “Why aren’t you dating my supermodel daughter?”
I’m not saying that you always have to invite someone’s girlfriend. But when you’ve had an official “meet my girlfriend” moment that indicates its serious… it’d be nice if you could at least put her on some sort of “backup list” in case someone else can’t come at the last moment.
Thank you all for your support and suggestions!
I did realize as I was saying it that it may have sounded like I was deeming their relationship as “not established” - what I meant was really that they were not together when we made our guest list, and so we had not budgeted for the fact that guests may or may not enter into relationships between when we made the guest list and when we sent out the invitations.
But I absolutely agree that, on the other side of it, it’s hard to know what a couple is thinking when they make their list - and prior to the wedding-planning-process, I, too, would have been annoyed not to be invited with Mr. BG to a wedding.
I would love to have been able to invite her - but the problem was that she just did not exist in my realm when the guest list was made (nor did she exist in his), so it’s hard to accommodate these quirky situations.
I know Ms. BG just responded but I couldn’t resist. I was a little taken aback by this situation as well as she was. It would be a bad precedent to start giving in to people who were not on the save the dates and the invites. Also, they were not a couple until a month or so ago (months after the STDs went out), and we have only met her once for a grand total of about an hour.
There are several friends of mine from high school and college that we didn’t end up inviting. Hell, this coworker was a last minute addition himself as he just recently started working there. I barely know this guy, let alone his girlfriend. I just think the level of awkwardness of this whole request was lost in the original post as Ms. BG was just trying to set the scene.
Besides all of that, I guess I fail to see how the bride and groom are the rude ones in any situation similar to this one. Whoever is on the invites were picked out after a long process of making a guest list. If an omission offends you, I guess you can state your displeasure by not going, but I just don’t think it is rude to omit generic +1s. Anybody who shows up as a +1 is obviously not that close to the bride and groom anyway.
You bring up your wedding invitations with him and THEN ask about his girlfriend?
I think you opened the door.
Just a little tid bit- not so much for the bride at hand, but for future brides that may read this…. when planning your guest list, and adding extra guests that are outside of the family and close friends range (i/e co workers, extened friends, aquaintences) it is important to remember that they will most likely bring a guest- and you want them to because you don’t have the time to pay attention to just them that day…. and they will not necessarily know all the other guests and may feel intimidated having to go it alone. If you give them the option of a guest they can make the call of their comfort level. If you can’t afford to add this “SO guest” then perhaps you don’t need to have this original guest to begin with. Just a little food for thought.
I am about to mail my invites this week and am dreading this same thing. I have already been asked my a BM about inviting her new BF. I already told her at this point no (she knew it was ackward to ask me, knows how tight the budget is, and knows we are at capacity), but if i had enough no’s she could bring him. I would have offered her the spot with enough no’s, but she still felt compelled to ask. I know if she was balsy enough to ask, my other guests will be contacting me as well. I am not looking forward to this or the infamous can i bring by baby/child questions.
I think you did right Miss Bubblegum! You are inspiring me to continue to stick to my guns.
contrary to what others have implied, i don’t think your criteria for inviting so’s sounds like you’re passing judgement on your co-worker’s relationship and it’s importance/seriousness.
i also don’t agree that it may have been better to simply state room capacity and budgetary reasons for the gf not being invited. i think that actually sounds even worse. and i find that people fight that argument more. the coworker could then think, “is my gf the only one being left out?” or “why is my gf less important than so-and-so’s?”. people tend to think there’s room for “just one more” because they’re only thinking of their “one more” and forgetting that so many others may be thinking the same way. setting up a rule such as “together when we made the guest list/sent out the stds/etc” and sticking to it seems to be the best way to explain this situation. it makes it clear that the same criterion applied to everyone, that you didn’t just pick and choose among your friends.
personally, i’m not too fond of the “engaged or married” rule since there are some people out there who just don’t want to get married and others who aren’t allowed to.
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Mrs. Bubblegum, Exeter, NH
Age and Occupation: 24, Actuarial Analyst
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Ressearch & Development
Engagement Date: February 9, 2007
Wedding Date: May 2008
Blogging Since: November 2, 2007
Venue: Dunegrass Golf Club
About Me: I can be summed up by the four things I love most: kitties, cheese, math, and Mr. Bubblegum. I am knee-deep in DIY projects to keep wedding costs low but quality high for the special day when I get to marry my bestest friend.
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