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So on Tuesday, we officially sent out our invitations (more to come on that). Today, as I sat at lunch with 4 of my (invited) coworkers, I asked if anyone had gotten anything in the mail lately. One coworker had. Let’s call him coworker X. Time passed.
Miss BG: So, coworker X, how’s your girlfriend? *we recently met his new girlfriend*
Coworker X: She’s good. She wants to know if she’s invited to the wedding.
Miss BG: Oh, uhh, *stunned silence*, well, she’s not…
Coworker X: Oh, okay. I was just wondering, because normally, on the RSVP card, there might be a space for a guest.
Miss BG: I know, I’m sorry - we just made a strict policy that we would only be inviting significant others for people who were in established relationships when we made our guest list.
Annnnnnd then the rest of the lunch passed with everyone making awkward conversation.
At first, I felt really bad. As I sat there in silence, I was SO close to just saying, “you know what? Bring her.” But then I realized, I felt bullied. I don’t think he meant it that way - I’m certain that he just didn’t know a good way to ask. But I felt cornered, and I knew I couldn’t budge - we are totally budget-constrained. Plus, I am sure that at this point, he has passed the message along to his girlfriend - so whether we grant her the okay or not, she will just plain not be happy.
So the invitations have been in the mail since Tuesday, and already it begins. Am I being unreasonable? What would you do/have you done?
no, please stick to your guns! It’s been three years since I got married, and I am STILL angry about the people I felt bullied into inviting- SO, younger sisters, new BF, etc. and you know what? 3 years later, we’re still not even friends!
Don’t be bullied! It’s a wedding, not a birthday party. Weddings are expensive and you can’t necessarily afford to invite every single person you might liked to have. My aunts have tried to do this to me re: kids at the wedding (including pressuring me to have their kids IN the wedding).
If this comes up again re: dates, maybe a more clear cut answer (even if not entirely true) would be to say you only invited people with dates if they were married, engaged or living together. I think some people — rightly or wrongly — get offended by the “serious relationship” cut off because everyone’s definition of “serious” is different.
i would have done the same thing and plan to do the same thing if that happens! more guest=more money and im not interested in having people at my wedding i barely know. good work!
I think you handles yourself very well. I wish people would email those type of questions so you can have time to think of a response instead of feeling on the spot. We are allowing “and Guests” due to our reception venue has a 100 guest minimum and small families…. we want to make sure that if we have to pay for at least 100 that there are at least 100 there. I’m so glad because I’d hate to get these questions. I just have to deal with the no kids allowed situations. 
Guest list are delicate matters and I don’t blame you for not caving, as it were. However, I’m not sure that explaining your rationale is the best approach in circumstances like these–when you give that explanation, it makes it seem as if you are making a judgment about his relationship. I would say something very generic about “unfortunately, we weren’t able to invite everyone we would have liked.”
I think you handled the situation gracefully. That’s how it SHOULD be done! Don’t get pushed into making this anymore difficult financially. We have the same policy on our end, and I have to say…. its been hard, but we’re sticking to it. Good job!
I think you handled yourself very well. It was awkward for him to bring it up that way in front of everyone, so don’t feel bad for not knowing how to respond. And don’t feel bullied. Because then if you let him bring HIS new girlfriend, then you’ll have to let every other new girl/boyfriend in as well. You guys decided no “and guest” for a reason, so good job for sticking with it!
I would have not invited my coworker if I’d known that I didnt have space for him to have a guest. Any time either Mr Peng or I is invited to a wedding without the other, I’m insulted and I don’t go/he doesn’t go. But if that was your policy, you did the right thing not to let him make you budge, because if you made an allowance for him, you’d have to do it for all your coworkers.
I am very afraid of this same situation. I am trying to touch base with as many singles as I can before invitations are sent to explain my reasoning, but the thought of the conversations makes me nervous. I think you handled yourself very well. I am glad you did not allow yourself to be bullied!
you handled the situation very well! i’ve also felt bullied. the person sent me an email that said “XX and I are so excited to come to the wedding! I really want XX to meet everyone from college,” to which i replied “we weren’t including XX in our guest count. if there’s any space, we’ll let you know. maybe if you want him to meet your friends, you could do it at our annual reunion, not my wedding.”
it was a little (a lot) abrasive, i know, and i wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t via email, but i was just SO mad at her for using my wedding as an excuse for her to show off her new bf! and now i don’t even want her to come.
I think you handled it very well. I’m going to remember than for when people start trying to bully me!
you handled it perfectly. i have to say, though, that it was rude of your co-worker to put you on the spot like that; he should’ve asked you one-on-one! you’re not being unreasonable at all.
Good for you for standing your ground. People will appreciate your consistancy in the long run!
We have basically the same policy — if you’re not engaged or living with your significant other, they’re on our B list. If we have room when all is said and done, they can come, but when my fiance and I are each only allowed to invite 12 friends, I don’t want to sacrifice my own friends to have someone bring a significant other that I don’t even know.
I have a good story — we sent out our STD’s a full year before the wedding, since we’re getting married on a holiday weekend and everyone from my side of the family has to fly in (it’s in his hometown). We sent out the STDs just in the name of the person invited — I mean, it’s only a save the date, NOT an invitation, and it’s a year away — half the people have broken up with their significant others within the year. The DAY a friend of my fiance’s gets his STD, he calls up and demands to know if his girlfriend can come, because he plans on proposing within the next 6 months. My fiance says congratulations, of course if they’re engaged she can come, etc., though we were both kind of offended that he was THAT concerned A FULL YEAR ahead of time if the girlfriend could come. Fast forward 10 months, and they’re still not engaged, and he sent an email to my fiance asking once again if he could bring her, before the invites even went out. First, I was pissed that he sent an email — why not call if you’re going to ask a question — and he used the SAME line again — we’re going to be engaged within 6 months. What? Don’t use the same excuse if you’re not going to follow through! So we told him the same thing, he’s just invited as himself now, but if we have room at the end (which we probably will), he’ll be at the top of our list to invite a guest. I’m sorry, but they’ve been together over three years, and I’ve NEVER MET HER. If she’s that important to him, you would think he would have brought her around once or twice. Just saying. And when we can invite so few of our own friends, I’d rather seem someone I’ve known for a long time, someone who really cares about us and wants to be a part of our lives, over someone I’ve never met.
My take on it is that if I invite you without a guest and you only wanted to come to my wedding to be with your significant other and not to celebrate with me, then frankly you’re not a good enough friend in the first place to warrant a spot on my guest list, so good riddance! I’ve been to plenty of weddings alone while I was dating my fiance, and still always had a great time — it’s about the married couple, NOT about the guest bringing a date!
My sister was bullied into inviting someone to her wedding just a week before it took place. It sucked and she regretted giving in. Good for you for sticking to your original plan. With 3.5 weeks until I send invites out, I am dreading invite drama. It is SURE to happen.
as an admitted violator of this very thing, i’m glad you at least said no instead of feeling pressured to allow him to bring his gf. but i’d give him the benefit of the doubt…he did sound a little awkward in asking so maybe the gf pressured him to ask? either way, if you’re on a budget and/or simply can’t invite more, then it’s much better [and welcomed] being upfront from the get go than saying yes and then being secretly upset at the person who now thinks it was okay. though i agree with lucy that it did sound like you were passing judgement on his relationship; a simple “we’re at max capacity” or something would have saved some awkwardness.
that said, i don’t think any bride and groom should feel pressured to invite anyone else. just be honest with the asker. i think asking if its okay to bring someone is a natural thing but it’s not like they’re holding a gun to your head and demanding that you let them. you will save yourself a lot of stress and ill feelings and will probably still have them as friends. a guest list for a one day event is not worth losing a friend over.
I think you handled it well, but I probably wouldn’t have added in that much explanation - because as someone above said earlier, he might have been insulted at you determining the serious-ness of their relationship.
“We really loved meeting [girlfriend], but space at the wedding was very limited.” seems like its a good catch-all.
“only invited people with dates if they were married, engaged or living together” only works if that is what they did. I can think of a couple that I know that don’t meet any of those requirements, but they’ve been dating for 4 years or so, and I wouldn’t dream of inviting one without the other.
I agree with Lucy’s suggestion. Even though you may have drawn an artificial line in the sand over who you think is in a steady relationship, it’s not very polite to tell people that you think theirs didn’t make the mark. Simply stating that you have a tight guest list may have alleviated some of the discomfort in the room and he may not have taken it as a personal judgement.
Everyone makes their own decisions about the guest lists, the per guest cost, venue size, etc. and makes their own concessions. Just be aware that those who have bfs/gfs and were not extended a guest may decline the invitation due to that fact.
it seems like you handled it well. by mentioning that the invites were determined by those who had SO’s at the time you created your guest list clears you IMO. who knows when you and your FI worked on your guest list???
next time, just say “No” and move on cheerily. you have no reason to offer an explanation.
I’m fearing a similar situation happening to me, so I have started giving off subtle hints to my single friends about how “our location can only hold 150 ppl max”, and how “fiance and I are having major issues finalizing the guestlist”.
You did the right thing by not backing down to your coworker though.
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Mrs. Bubblegum, Exeter, NH Age and Occupation: 24, Actuarial Analyst Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Ressearch & Development Engagement Date: February 9, 2007 Wedding Date: May 2008 Blogging Since: November 2, 2007 Venue: Dunegrass Golf Club About Me: I can be summed up by the four things I love most: kitties, cheese, math, and Mr. Bubblegum. I am knee-deep in DIY projects to keep wedding costs low but quality high for the special day when I get to marry my bestest friend.
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