Wedding Blog

This photo is me attempting to figure out how well my camera would do in the restaurant lighting, and my disclaimer that the rest of the photos in this post are 18A (aka Rated R).

My first girlfriend is getting married, and after rsvping to a night at the Cheesecake Factory, I discovered I was indeed a bachelorette party virgin. I left the house mildly thinking: “gift…? ….blender?” My thoughts should have occurred 24 hours previous when I was in the Capitol Hill area of Seattle, land of the sexually uninhibited. Or even 2 hours prior when I could have made a larger-than-life penis out of vinyl, or at least one of my infamous sperm ’n egg coin purses or vagina pouches.

And I should’ve had a better concept because everyone from Vancouver remembers being 12 years old and walking to the back half of the gift boutique San Francisco at the mall to discover penis shaped pasta and underwear for two. Here’s a tame photo of our group of girls…except her sister is sipping from a mini penis straw with crooked balls that the bride was too mortified to look at nevermind suck on.

And then we each took turns donning the ridiculously protective eyewhere to prevent any mishaps like this one below:

The bride, being a pretty young, conservative, Christian, while is normally pretty loud and outgoing, was quiet and embarassed at the gifts (see top photo, left). Along with a 6 foot whip, a froofy, feathery hot pink wand, and a few other things, she received edible underwear that I want to describe as a yellow fruit roll up in the shape of Back to the Future’s flux capacitor, but it didn’t quite have…straps to go over the hips. Photos below the top one are post-bellini-and-pina-colada when she lost her inhibitions about touching the penis waterbottle, came face to face with the term “tea bagging,” and then voluntarily dunked her face in her whipping cream for the money shot.

One of her sisters, who was responsible for most of the phallic gifts, is also Christian and normally wouldn’t dream of walking into a sex shop, had gone back the next day to purchase aforementioned 6 foot whip, and also to drop off a personal sized pizza, soda, and salad for the clerk as a small cheat for his diet….he broke down and started bawling in appreciation, saying that no one, friend nor stranger, had ever done anything so sweet for him before, and insisted on giving her something. Despite her protests, she walked out of the store with a complimentary $70 video. The good Christian sister got into the car and was mortified to discover that (duh!) the guy had given her a porn video! But it made for a good laugh at our table.