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Before I met Mr. Cream Puff, I’d never dated outside of my race. I definitely dated outside of my culture, but not outside of my race. When I dated outside of my culture, I was in college… sometime later I had a change of heart and became somewhat dead-set on marrying someone who shares my Jewish culture (and just to be clear, this truly isn’t about religion for me–it’s about culture). Then I met Mr. Cream Puff, and he isn’t Jewish–but I really wanted to be with him. Adjusting to his culture could be difficult at times, but surprisingly we found that Jewish and Chinese cultures are a lot alike with regard to core values.
In all the books on marriage I’ve read when we decided to tie the knot, there were special sections for inter-racial and inter-religious marriages. These sections talk about how hard it is to have an inter-anything marriage, and how you really need to think about things before you decide to do it. So I’m thinking this might be a good topic for Weddingbee.
In the first year of our relationship, we faced some difficulties resulting from our different backgrounds. For example, his family tends to be a lot more blunt than mine. My family has all kinds of new holidays for Mr. Cream Puff to learn about, and new words to pronounce. His family has an entire language for me to learn (which admittedly, I am terrible at). And the food–let’s just say I was raised in a family that ate american cheese sandwiches on Wonder Bread–sea cucumber and shark fin soup were not even on my long list of things to try. Although I have to admit, I don’t think Mr. Cream Puff was all that excited about trying gefilte fish, either. And as if adjusting to one another wasn’t hard enough, we also got to deal with the fact that we were living in Columbus, Ohio at the time, and we had to face problems with racism. It really wasn’t easy, I’m not going to lie. But now that we’re past that, we only get to appreciate the good things about our differences, which is really nice. And luckily, both of our families are totally accepting of us.
And as for not marrying a Jew? A lot of people ask me if I’m okay with it, because I wasn’t planning on marrying outside of my culture before. To be totally honest, I don’t think I would be okay with it if Mr. Cream Puff weren’t so open to my culture, and to raising any potential “Little Puffs” Jewish (and Chinese, of course). I also don’t think I’d be okay with it (and I’m being totally honest here) if I weren’t marrying someone with his own strong sense of culture. One of the main reasons I love the Jewish culture so much is because it offers a sense of belonging and shared history. It has impacted my life in an incredibly positive way, and I feel very strongly about passing the culture down through more generations.
In short, my culture added to my life. I worried that marrying outside of it would detract from my and my (potential) children’s experience as Jews. But Mr. Cream Puff’s culture is incredible. I love it. And I realized not too long after dating Mr. CP that his culture adds to mine, rather than detracts from it. Which, if I do say so myself, is a beautiful thing.
Are any of you marrying outside of your race, culture or religion? Do you think we need to be more concerned than people with non-inter-anything relationships? What differences have you had to deal with?
What a great post– thank you so much for sharing about your experiences. I’m so glad that you and Mr. Cream Puff have overcome those obstacles and embraced your differences. This issue definitely hits home for me because Mr. Jasmine and I are from different cultures and our families practice different religions.
Although India and Pakistan share tons of similarities, there is also some bad blood between the countries and not everyone is supportive of Indian-Pakistani relationships. It didn’t matter to us at all, but we definitely had to brace ourselves against rude comments and incredulity.
The biggest issue for us was the religious one: my family and Mr. Jasmine’s family are from two different religions (I practice the same religion as Mr. Jasmine’s family). It never seemed like a big deal to us, but as we’ve progressed in our relationship, more and more issues have popped up. Not to mention the fact that we’ve had to deal with many family members and friends who haven’t had the most positive opinions about it. But luckily for us, I’ve been surprised at the people who *have* been supportive. And Mr. Jasmine and I have found numerous ways to bridge the gap and appreciate our differences just as much as our similiarities.
And most importantly, we’ve vowed to be super supportive and welcoming to whoever our children might decide to marry, so long as they’re good, loving people. After all, that’s the only way things change, right?
I know so many people who are opposed to inter-religious marriages, and I am just here to say that the concern is a load of crap!
My parents are coming up on their 35th wedding anniversary. My mother is Jewish, my father is Catholic. No, my father did not convert, though he does not attend church regularly anymore. Since my father did not feel a huge attachment to his own religion, and appreciated that Judaism is more of a culture than a religion, he was more than happy to raise me Jewish. I like to think I’m living proof of how NORMAL an inter-religious marriage can be.
I, personally, chose to marry someone who isn’t Jewish. While I did date outside of the religion, I was pretty set on marrying someone who shared my culture. This is not because of any bad experience I had as the result of a mixed marriage, but just that I grew up with such a huge appreciation of Judaism (because of the fact that I grew up celebrating two sets of holidays with the respective grandparents) and how it embodies so much more than just a religion, that I knew I needed to make it even more of a focus in my life than it already was.
So kudos to you, Miss Cream Puff, for ignoring all the people who tell you that you shouldn’t do it. It’s a load of crap, and you can have lots of perfectly normal, happy, and yes, even religious, Little Puffs, even if you and Mr. Cream Puff are different religions and cultures!
I married outside of my race and culture (I’m Greek, he’s Persian). They were differences that we had to overcome between our families. There are still differences with regard to language (both families revert to their native language to talk amoung themselves), food and attitudes/cultural norms. My family is much more open.
However, since we both come from foreign immigrant parents we understand each other more than we do our friends whose families have been here for many generations. I grew up feeling like people didn’t understand my family and when my husband and I started dating we were instantly comfortable because we could understand each other. Our cultures also have many commonalities (as most do when you get to the core) and we both love that each other comes from a family with a strong sense of culture.
Thank you so much for your post. Its so refreshing to have this talked about openly. You have really inspired me to try and be more open to the family differences in culture I/we are experiencing. My fiancee was raised Mormon by his mother, who still practices. My fiancee does not practice, and has admitted to me he does not believe in the teachings any longer, but has yet to have this disscussion with his mother. I was raised Episcopalian and attended private Catholic schools all my life. So while we might look the same race wise, there are definate cultural differences to contend with, especially concerning the wedding itself. My FI and I just try and be supportive of each other and address the cultural “misunderstandings” that have come up and are working on having a united front to present to our parents/families. Hopefully one day we’ll get to the point where it isnt such a big issue. Thank you again for your post!
what a great topic to bring up. With changing times, you see interacial/intercultural marriages becoming more common and i think its fabulous!
I am second generation Japanese, which to my amazement my parents have been extremely supportive of my fiance (He is Swedish, German, Irish). I am firmly planted on the fact that we are keeping my culture rich in our future kid’s lives and if they choose to know about their other three roots, we will relish in that aspect as well. Fiance does not know too much culture from his half, but we are gaining knowledge and awareness about them.
Luckily, Fiances pallate craves Japanese food often so I definitely lucked out! some stuff he rather skip, but he’s a trooper and will always try things once.
The only thing we still need to work on is my family traditions heavily involve Buddhist traditions, and Fiance still is learning these things but is open and honest about his opinions as well as I am to my new family’s devout Christianity.
Well, Mr. R’s family are very devout Catholics, and my family are a bunch of non-church-going agnostics and atheists… so that was a challenge with planning the wedding and such, but it’s usually no big deal because Mr. R isn’t really a practicing Catholic anymore (but shhh… don’t tell him mom that!).
I think for me, it’s more an issue of that I married outside of my class. I’m from a very lower-class/working class background and Mr. R is from an upper-middle class, well-educated family.
His dad has a PhD… my mom has a GED. My dad is a janitor, his was a university professor (now retired). His brothers and sisters went to ivy leagues schools… no one in my family has even finished community college. Mr Radish went to the University of Chicago while I went off to work. I’m working my way through a BA now, but only because I work at a college and get free tuition.
I guess that has been our biggest challenge. It’s not really the same as an inter-racial marriage, but it’s kind of inter-cultural.
And whenever I’m around his family for long periods of time, I start to feel really uncomfortable. It’s gotten better over the years, as I’ve learned how to act in certain social settings, but I kind of feel like they are just living in a different world.
I’ve also gotten some flak from people I grew up with who have implied that I married Mr. R for his money (which is HYSTERICAL since he doesn’t have any of his own)…. I guess it’s kind of the old “you should stay with your own people” sort of thing, but in regards to class instead of race or religion.
honestly, the hardest part of being in an inter-anything relationship is dealing with other people, who are outside the relationship, and their opinions. because, with a little understanding and patience, its easy to start to learn and embrace a culture that is not your own. i don’t think you need to be more concerned. it’d be just as hard as if you were dating someone of the same race and/or culture that your family just didn’t like.
i’m a product of an interracial marriage and my mom has said that it was hard only because part of my dad’s family were not at all supportative and this was before they even met her! but once they met her and got to know her, they actually apologized for being so mean to her.
that being said, because i identify with both parts of my racial makeup, i’m always in an interracial relationship [unless i ended up with someone else who is black and korean] and so far it’s been easy. but i already have a very accepting core group of family and friends around which helps a lot. but most importantly for me, my bf doesn’t look at my racial makeup as some kind of “exotic.” he sees me for me and is accepting and open to my mixed culture. plus i think he’s amped to learn about a new culture. he’s taken to it very quickly. lol.
what a nice post. thanks for sharing. by the way, i love shark fin soup. it’s a must for a chinese wedding! 
Mrs. Radish,
I could have written your post regarding inter-class and inter-religious unions. I, like Mr. Radish, was raised by devout Catholics (though I’m not practing now). And like you, my family is very blue collar while D’s family is white collar and well-educated. I too am often uncomfortable/nervous around his parents and am dreading our families meeting for the first time at the wedding. In short, I feel your pain.
Out of curiousity, what type of ceremony will you be having?
I mean, what type of ceremony did you have?
Creampuff,
I don’t have anything to add except to say that I think it’s a great post.
Ms. Creampuff thanks for your post.
I too am Jewish and getting married this summer. My fiancé is Taiwanese. I love his culture and he has embraced mine. We’ve had some struggles along the way - but in the end my family is very accepting of him as his is of me.
While we have decided to have a Jewish ceremony, we definitely want to include Asian aspects into our reception. We are still keeping with Jewish traditions as far as the food selection ( no pork or shellfish ).
I don’t want his family to feel we have not incorporated their culture as well. I would be interested to hear how you are incorporating some Chinese culture into your ceremony and reception.
Miss Cream Puff-What a great post! I love all of the fun and silly posts that weddingbee has, but someones it’s nice to read and think about something serious for a change.
I am much too active in my church to ever be able to marry outside of it, but I am marrying outside of my culture and it has been an interesting experience thus far. My FI is Polish and will be moving back to Poland in 5-10 years and although my immediate family have been wonderful, the majority of my extended family cannot accept it at all. They aren’t against the marriage, they just enjoy deluding themselves into believing that he won’t really move back and take me with him. It is going to be such a shock and really hard for them to accept when it does happen. My entire extended family lives all in the same state! I am really going against the grain with this marriage.
The most meaningful thing to me is my father’s acceptance and approval of the relationship and his statement that “although he never expected me to marry someone who would move me across the world, it doesn’t surprise him, and he thinks I can do it.” Things like that really mean a lot to me.
My grandmother got flack from family & the church for being a Catholic in love with a Methodist. They eloped and raised their kids Catholic (my mom) and my mom grew up and married a Methodist- in a methodist church. My sibs & I were raised methodist & guess what- Im marrying a Catholic… in a Catholic church. I dont know what we’ll raise our kids as, especially since I dont consider myself Catholic OR Methodist, but Im SOOOO glad my family is open to other religions bc it is hard enough as it is. Yes our families religions are generally similar compared to some but culturally can be very different (for example, the use of alcohol). Keeping in mind that even without cultural, religious, or other “visible” differences it is difficult to make a relationship work. Great post!
I see more and more mixed couples and i think it’s great, since I myself am Korean and my fiance is Portugese. I have had to deal with racism from Korean people since they tend to treat me differently which does make me mad, but at the same time when i’m back in the Bay Area, where you are, there are so many mixed couples it’s almost refreshing! I wish you guys all the best! Plus… you’ll have awesome looking kids Everyone knows mixed couples have beautiful kids hee hee.
Such an important topic! To those bees getting married to someone outside of their religion(or culture or race), I say good for you! It is great that you are showing how people from different backgrounds can come together in unity and harmony, while still maintaining their identity, and the rest of the world could definitely stand to learn a thing or two from you.
As a child of an inter-religious marriage filled with strife related to said inter-ness, I’d like to give my two cents as well. My parents never reached a consensus on how or what to raise us, so while I celebrated all of the major Catholic and Jewish holidays, I felt lost and adrift in relation to my own religious identity. From my perspective, the best move is to do what julieulie’s parents did and choose one religion OR to encourage your children to explore both religions freely and encourage them to participate in whatever rites of passage they choose.
Most of all, make sure you talk about all of this with your fiance ahead of time! I now consider myself Jewish and my fiance is Jewish, but I still celebrate Christmas and Easter with my father. I never would have known how my fiance felt about having a Christmas tree in our house had I not asked him. As always, communication is the key!
My fiance is Chinese 1st generation here in the US and I’m a 10th generation European-descent American blondie. In high school I dated a Korean guy. That was ridiculous. His parents didn’t even want to acknowledge my existance simply because I am not Korean. It’s not like we were getting married at that point.
Really, at the moment the only difference I’m dealing with is that his family was expecting a huge Chinese feast with hundreds of people and that’s not what I want to do. So his mom is having trouble narrowing down the guest list. We’ve talked about some other differences… I hope to find a church in the town we have moved to but he didn’t grow up going to church.
But I do admit to be having a challenging time in deciding whether I take his last name. Mrs. his-last-name will always include people taking a second-look since they’ll be expecting black hair and darker skin. I’m not lying that I believe that becoming Mrs. Jones is a different situation because there isn’t a different ethnicity attached to it. But in the end I want our whole family to have the same last name so I just need to get comfortable with it.
I was raised Lutheran and my fiance was raised Jewish. It does make most holidays easier since we don’t have to choose who to celebrate with (we invite both families over for Thanksgiving). It is a struggle at times to deal with other people’s opinions, even if they aren’t trying to be mean or judgmental. I kind of resent that everyone assumes that I should convert, even though when we started dating I was attending church regularly and he hadn’t been to synagogue in years. Our ceremony will be non-religious and outdoors, it will suit us well and I’m excited. I’m just nervous about what happens when we have children. We’ll be able to compromise, but I’m sure there are going to be some disappointed grandparents. Good thing I love him!
Thanks for sharing those personal thoughts. 
Honestly, I think it is becoming more rare than common to find couples that both have exactly the same religion and cultural background. My fiance and I are actually both Catholic, though his family is 100% Italian and mine is 100% Cuban. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know how his family does things and have even been amused to find out that our basic cultures are very similar! I totally agree with you in the fact that you are gaining something by adding another culture to yours, and I think it will definitely make your little future Creampuffs all the richer.
Well, I always knew I would be in an interracial relationship of some sort. I am Black, Saudi Arabian, Native American, and French. The likelihood of meeting someone with this shared ethnic background is slim to none. It was tough in my college years because I became the “exotic mix” for many former boyfriends, but I was lucky enough to find an understanding man that is also a mutt of sorts — Mexican and White. I admit, it has been easier to find common ground with someone that shared some of my racial experiences. Many other guys heard my tales of a difficult childhood and responded with glazed eyes and “uh huh”.
As for our ceremony, we’re trying to add elements of both our backgrounds — in terms of both race and culture. I’m a Southern girl. He’s from the midwest. So far our families have been fantastically supportive. What can they say? Neither of us fits any mold. Do we get looks when we go out? Depends where we are. We haven’t experienced much of that in the Tampa Bay area, but we were practically a phenomenon in Baltimore. Ah well… we’re madly in love and he’s willing to fight for me tooth and nail, so that’s all that matters in my mind. And good gracious will our kids be beautiful!
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Mrs. Cream Puff, San Francisco Bay Area Age and Occupation: 25, Illustrator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Merchandise Planner Engagement Date: May 27, 2007 Wedding Date: August, 2008 Blogging Since: February 7, 2008 Venue: Ceremony at Crissy Field and Reception at the Green Room About Me: I never dreamed about my wedding as a little girl because I was too busy playing in the mud or pretending to be Martha Stewart–but now that it's here, I'm having a fabulous time DIYing everything in sight! We’re planning a very fun multicultural wedding (I'm Jewish and Mr. Cream Puff is Chinese), filled with as many personal details as I can muster.
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