Mrs. Gingerbread, Vancouver
Age and Occupation: 32, Psychologist
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Software Engineer
Engagement Date: Sometime in the fall of 2004
Wedding Date: July, 2008
Blogging Since: March 24, 2008
Venue: Rainforest wedding, beachfront restaurant reception
About Me: I recently moved to Canada from Southern California. Trying to plan a wedding in a new city, not to mention a new country, is tough, but the fact that we can get legally married here more than makes up for it! The wedding will be an opportunity for most of our family and friends to see our new city for the first time so it will be both a wedding and a reunion. Besides my future wife, I am also madly in love with a good bargain, Swedish pastries, Tivo, and my two dogs and calico cat (in no particular order).
Rings
April 1st, 2008 @ 11:46 am by Mrs. Gingerbread
Let’s say that you are gay and had been living in a country where you couldn’t get legally married. Let’s also say that you had rings custom made anyway and have been wearing them for several years. For all intents and purposes you we considered ourselves married and thought of these rings as our wedding rings. Are you following me? They look like wedding rings, not engagement rings. So what now? When we exchange rings at our wedding should they be new rings? Why? Because we want more jewelry? Most brides have a solitare diamond engagement ring and then add the band later. In our case, two bands on one finger? I am not sure I’ll like that.
Dear Emily Post, what is the proper etiquette for this type of situation?
I searched her website (in jest) and the only reference to rings that I found told me that the groom’s family is traditionally responsible for buying the rings. That really doesn’t help us, so where is a same-sex couple to turn to get advice on how to navigate these little issues? I’m all for making it up as you go along, bucking tradition, etc., but sometimes you want guidelines, right? And if not guidelines, how about just some suggestions? Let me tell you, folks, it’s really overwhelming to be making up EVERYTHING as you go along. They sell wedding planners for a reason.
One possibility is to have a ring warming ceremony using the rings we already have. We could remove our rings and then pass them around asking that each guest hold them, think a silent wish or blessing, and then pass them on. The rings will make it back to us in time for us to exchange them, but now with all the blessings of our guests.
I really like how this ring bowl from Paloma’s Nest can be something that we keep as a reminder of our wedding. Do you have any other suggestions that might work for a ring warming ceremony?
31 Responses to “Rings”
maybe you could add a thin eternity band? to commemorate the new roles you’ll have as wives? or you could borrow from another culture and have wedding necklaces? (google “mangalsutra” indian wedding necklaces made with black beads) or if your fingers are similarly sized trade your current rings? i LOVE the idea of having the rings blessed and would steal it for myself if we didn’t have so many guests (it would take hours for the rings to get back to us!)
thats what we are doing! with our custom bowl from paloma’s nest! 
I also love the idea of having the rings blessed. I would totally use something like the little bowl, so that they don’t get fumbled on the floor somewhere along the way. But you could have the officiant explain a little of your history and the history of the rings - in asking for the blessing from your guests, and then have a song while the rings are passed. Maybe even add it into your vows somehow: With this ring, which carries the blessings of our friends and family, I thee wed.
Also, while I totally understand how overwhelming this all can be (even if you get to default to traditional type stuff, its incredible) I can also see how it would be really exciting to be in a position where you aren’t necessarily expected to follow a script! You can pick and choose whatever is meaningful to you! And in my little fantasy of what it is like to be you, every time you make a decision my mother isn’t standing there saying “But that’s not what your sister did…”
I’ve never heard of a ring-warming ceremony, but I love the idea! I definitely think you should go with that. And like abby said, an eternity band or trading rings might be something to think about. I also like the idea of creating a new piece of jewelry for the wedding.
I say keep the meaningful rings you have and use them for your ceremony…a warming sounds beautiful.
Any chance we get to see the rings? 
A friend of mine had the same “problem” as you do. She finally found a jeweller (but here in Switzerland) that would incorporate a piece of wood in both, let’s say, engagement bands. The result is spectacular, but I must admit the bands were originaly pretty large so it was easy to do so…
Were you wearing the rings more as “wedding rings”or as “engagement rings”?
I mean either way it doesn’t really matter, but I was thinking that if you meant them as wedding rings, it would be so sweet and meaningful to have them involved in the ceremony, to be blessed by your guests, and like suzanno said, have the officiant talk about the history of them and what it means to you to now for them to be official or something?
If you meant them as engagement rings, maybe get something new just because it may also be nice to have different things to symbolize the different stages - you don’t necessarily have to wear both bands on the same finger or at the same time. Since my e-ring won’t stack with a band properly, I’ll probably go back and forth for what I’ll wear on what finger and when. Abby’s idea of an eternity band (something with stones or some other visual interest) would also work so if you did wear them together it’s not just two thick plain wedding bands. If it was the right complementary piece I think it could look great! But it may partly depend on what your bands are now.
So many options!!
I love the ring warming idea!
I like the idea of the ring warming and using your existing rings. Hey, your rings are your something old!
One idea for something a bit more private… your rings aren’t already engraved, you could each have the other’s ring engraved, and not reveal what it says until the day of the wedding.
oops, I’m a silly skimmer. You specifically said you considered them wedding rings. Well, in that case, I like the idea of having them continue to be your wedding rings and having them blessed, talked about at the ceremony, etc. I also love what Swissmade said about a jeweler incorporating something else into the bands. What about having a jeweler add an etching/pattern or diamonds to your existing bands?
I LOVE THE IDEA OF PASSING THE RINGS AROUND. When they come back to you, it’s almost like a new ring!
I don’t have a specific idea for you, but I do encourage you to do something different - a second band, a necklace, a bracelet, whatever. Even a year after my wedding, I look at my wedding band, or catch a glimpse of my husband’s band, and it gives me a little thrill that somehow our status has changed. (We lived together for 7 years before getting married. The act of marriage was not a huge change in itself.) The rings are a reminder of a subtle change in our relationship, a growth.
We started wearing matching bands two years before we had a wedding, for fairly similar (though heterosexual) reasons. The bands were made for us by a friend, and we loved them, but wanted to exchange something else special at the ceremony. We sent a jeweller our bands, they used them for measurements, and then used the metal in our new, differently styled, wedding bands. We were without our bands for maybe two months, and I was so excited to put them back at the wedding. I love that they incorporate the first bands, that meant so much to us, but also were something new for our new post-wedding life.
I also love the ring-warming idea (and would suggest taking off the rings a few weeks ahead, so it feels really special to slip them on), but I just thought I’d share what we did when we were in the same situation.
This is such an awesome idea. I’ve never heard of a ring warming ceremony, but I LOVE it! I even forwarded the blog to my friend who is going to have a vow renewal service soon. This would be perfect for them too! Thanks so much!
Just throwing this out - how about melting down your current rings and then making two new ones out of the combined material?
how about an engraving with the date or a favorite quote inside the rings?
If they were your wedding rings - it doesnt matter that now you are making it “official”, they will probably always be your wedding rings in your heart. If I were in yalls situation, I’d make an adjustment to the original ring. “upgrade” and add small stones. add engraving. add carving (engraving pattern on outside of ring - not just message inside). change the finish - there is a metal firing process that give its a wood grain look that is beautiful and a little funky. have them used in the process of making a “new ring” with yours as the base. etc. Find a creative jeweler in your area and ask what all the options are.
Just my 2cents:
I know you are not Jewish, but in Judaism it is traditional for the groom to put the ring on the index finger of the bride, and then, as a symbol of her acceptance of the marriage she places it on her ring finger. Perhaps such an exchange would also work for you and your future wife using your existing rings?
Or another idea, would be perhaps to switch rings? So that you will wear the ring that is currently hers, and she will wear the ring that is currently yours.
I am trying to decide what to do for my own ring ceremony, because I don’t want to get a wedding band, and I thought it was silly to just exchange a ring that I had already been wearing for months. I love the idea of passing it around and slipping it on again with the well wishes of everyone in the crowd.
I think getting the blessings of your guests would be a very meaninful thing. But as an anectdote, so you don’t feel like you are alone in this process… I went to a same-sex ceremony last summer. Like you, my friends had already worn matching rings for a year. After a beautiful reading that made everyone cry, and a few words about the unfairness that marriage is not legally recognized for all committed couples, the person officiating simply stated that the couple had already exchanged rings. Then they kissed & we cheered. It was all very powerful & personal, and nothing felt missing without the additional ceremonial things you are considering. People have posted a lot of great suggestions, you should just go with your gut about what feels right to you and your partner.
Perhaps you can find a jeweler to custom make a thin “jacket” for your rings. Basically it’ll sandwich your current bands. You can use a different metal or gem stones. That way, you still have your rings, (and can still do the ring warming) and have them wrapped, so to speak, with all the love from your wedding day. Your love for each other, and all your guests’ love and well wishes. I think it’ll be symbolic. But I guess it depends on how thick your bands are and if you can find a jeweler who can do it.
Wow, thanks for all the great suggestions! We have a lot of possibilities. In some ways it’s nice to not be restricted by protocol, but then on the other hand, it can be quite overwhelming.
@suzanno: I hadn’t thought about the possibility of a bowl fumble. It sure would add to the symbolism if we had to stop and glue the thing back together again
@Angel: Good idea. I’ll post a photo of the rings soon, but first I need to find the camera that is one of the many things that’s been misplaced by the move!
@Swissmade: Wood? That sounds really cool. I wish I could see what that looks like.
@jma19: We thought about making something new out of our existing rings, but we’d feel sad about destroying our original rings.
@Michelle: We’ve talked about perhaps adding a couple of diamonds to the design.
@Lisa: Oh, I like the symbolism!
Hmm, I guess the next step is finding a creative Vancouver jeweler to explore some of these options with. Anyone have any recommendations?
I knew one couple where they had already exchanged rings (she wore an eternity band as her engagement/wedding ring). The minister had them hold their rings up to the other person’s heart when they said their vows. I’ll see if I can get her to send me the wording.
I love the “warming” of the rings– what a sweet way to include your family and guests in your ceremony.
I think since you have bands its time to have engagement rings!! A girls gotta have some bling!! hahaha– but if the budget doesn’t permit I love the idea of exchanging the rings each of you is wearing and having them resized for the other!
if you decide to keep the rings the way they are and have the warming ceremony, you can always exchange other jewelry too! my sister and her girlfriend have debated something similar. my sister is getting an engagement ring and her girlfriend is getting a “remembrance of their engagement” (my sister is planning on buying her a really nice band). My sister will get a wedding band for the ceremony, but her girlfriend will get a second stacking band to go on top. However, they also discussed exchanging the same rings and then just buying each other some other special jewelry around the time of their wedding.
I would use the rings you have. You had them custom made and I can identify with how special it feels to get that first symbolic piece of jewelry. You can’t recreate that feeling. Is there room to engrave inside the bands? You could engrave initials or the wedding date inside before the wedding and have them polished. Then you can wait until the wedding day to wear them again. Definitely pass them around!
You could get the rings engraved with a special wish or message from each other a week or so before the ceremony (I would check to see how long this takes). Then you don’t wear them until the ceremony and have to read aloud what was written inside after the rings are blessed.
What about if you made a twist on the “exchange rings’ idea and do that–actually exchange them, you will wear hers, and she yours. Kind of neat–I’d love to wear a ring that had been warmed by my partner in that way.
[…] you may recall, we are going to do a ring warming ceremony during our wedding. This Paloma’s Nest ring bowl looks like the perfect vessel that we can then […]
