Mrs. Gingerbread, Vancouver
Age and Occupation: 32, Psychologist
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Software Engineer
Engagement Date: Sometime in the fall of 2004
Wedding Date: July, 2008
Blogging Since: March 24, 2008
Venue: Rainforest wedding, beachfront restaurant reception
About Me: I recently moved to Canada from Southern California. Trying to plan a wedding in a new city, not to mention a new country, is tough, but the fact that we can get legally married here more than makes up for it! The wedding will be an opportunity for most of our family and friends to see our new city for the first time so it will be both a wedding and a reunion. Besides my future wife, I am also madly in love with a good bargain, Swedish pastries, Tivo, and my two dogs and calico cat (in no particular order).
The Long Engagement
April 3rd, 2008 @ 11:17 am by Mrs. Gingerbread
When vendors excitedly say, “Oh, when did you get engaged!!!” we stutter and say, “Uh, 4 years?” They look confused and say, “Wow, that’s a long time” at which point we give them the condensed version of why this is. Same sex marriage is illegal in the U.S. Now that we are in Canada we can finally get married.
In February 2004, we watched the news with sheer glee as marriage licenses began to be issued to same-sex couples. Del Martin, 83, and Phyllis Lyon, 79, a couple that had been together for 51-years were the first to be married. Their photo was on the front page of the newspaper on Valentine’s Day.
Photo from the San Francisco Chronicle
We wanted so badly to drive up and join the thousands of same-sex couples that were flocking to San Francisco City Hall.
Photo from the San Francisco Chronicle
Photo from the San Francisco Chronicle
Unfortunately, we couldn’t. See, at the time Miss GB 2.0, who is not a U.S. citizen, was on a student visa and if she showed “intent to stay” in the U.S., which getting married would, her visa could be revoked. We sent flowers to city hall, but we stayed home. In the fall of that year we had rings made as a symbol of our commitment to each other and our desire to be married (more on this in a future post).
Miss GB 2.0 eventually got a work visa. However, there is a time limit on how long you can stay in the U.S. as a foreign worker. Marriage offers 1,138 Federal benefits and responsibilities, one of which is the right to sponsor your foreign spouse for a green card. Instead, binational same-sex couples like us are forced to live apart, outstay their visas and live outside the law, or immigrate to a country that will allow them to remain together.
Well meaning people often suggested that she marry an American man so that she could get a green card that way, but we didn’t want to go that route. I mean, hello, this is a wedding blog. Would you like to attend the wedding of your fiancee to another person? Not to mention that it is also illegal and we didn’t want to have to live with that kind of stress and uncertainty. Even though the state of Massachussetts legalized same sex marriage, getting married there and even moving to Massachussetts would not have helped us since immigration is a federal benefit of marriage and the federal government would not recognize our marriage.
Before we came to Canada, we put up a good fight. We went to the county clerk’s office to ask for a marriage license and were denied. We wrote letters, we rallied, we marched, we made phone calls, we gave speeches, and we even went on a cross country bus trip, “The Marriage Equality Express.” None of it mattered and in the end we had to leave.
Last summer, Miss GB 2.0 was offered a job with a Canadian company. We decided to go for it since this would mean finally putting an end to the uncertainty of how we would be able to remain together long term. I was allowed to immigrate with Miss GB 2.0 as her common law spouse. It was an obvious, but painful choice. We would do anything to stay together. Now we join the growing number of “love exiles” who have left the U.S. in order remain together.
To be honest, planning our wedding is a little bittersweet. Of course, we are thrilled to live in a country that recognizes our relationship and provides us with the benefits afforded to all of its citizens. However, we’d prefer to be living back in California and planning our wedding with our friends and family nearby.
57 Responses to “The Long Engagement”
This post breaks my heart, Miss GB. I commend you and 2.0 for sticking through all the trials and tribulations same sex couples have to endure just to love one another.
Same sex marriage is something I feel strongly in support of. It’s a number 1 platform issue for me when I vote.
You deserve to love openly and honestly and be supported by your government just like the rest of us. Shame on our government for concerning themselves with the matters of the heart.
Kudos, my friend.
I love that photo of the two men with their babies! I am so sorry that you and Miss GB 2.0 have gone through so many struggles to have a legally recognised marriage. It definitely makes me think about the things I take for granted — people complain about having families that don’t support them, but I can’t imagine having a COUNTRY that doesn’t support my marriage. Bravo to you two for standing up for what is right, and for making it happen, although I am sorry you have to sacrifice so much for it.
i’m glad you were able to find a way to get married! and it embarrasses me, as a US citizen, that you can’t do it here. hopefully, soon US laws will recognize the *right* of same-sex couples to get equal treatment under the law.
but, besides, once the US gets its act together, what better excuse for a second wedding? (can you tell i completely, utterly miss wedding planning– i am already thinking about what overblown affair i can plan for my 5th year anniversary…)
I understand, we thought about going to Canada to get married and decided against it. We are just going to have a ceremony here one day and celebrate with our closest family and friends. Hopefully one day in the near future same sex marriage will be legal in the US. When you love someone it really shouldn’t matter if they are same sex or not. Best wishes to you Miss Gingerbread. What a delight it is to see a same sex wedding bee here… 
I’m so glad you’re able to come to Canada and get married. This issue is very close to my heart as I have many friends in same-sex relationship and I am absolutly thrilled to be a member of the only church in Canada that allows these marriages.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have to leave your home country for this reason, but I am sure you will feel comfortable and right at home in Canada
Good luck with your planning and welcome to Canada!
That first photo broke my heart. Thank you for such a great post.
i’m sorry to hear about your reasons for leaving the country. i think your story is one that perfectly illustrates what people are missing when they suggest “civil unions” and the like as a solution to this controversy. to truly provide equality, any alternative to marriage would have to carry exactly the same benefits… at which point it’s just stupid to call it anything but marriage.
i live in cambridge MA and i remember walking by city hall the day they started performing marriages. there were protesters across the street, but most people were just there to support all the people that had been waiting so long to legalize their commitment.
I’m all teary eyed now.
Thanks for sharing…
GB, we’re getting married in Massachusetts in August (she’s lived here for two years, and I’ve lived here for eight). Even with same-sex marriage being legal in Mass., though, we still worry about all those federal rights and benefits we won’t be able to use. I’m very proud of my adopted state, but I can’t wait for the day when we can file a joint federal tax return, visit each other in the hospital anywhere in the country without jumping through hoops, or rest easy knowing that our children would be protected under the full capabilities of the law.
That being said, brava! I love that you’re on weddingbee. Thanks!
This is the last great frontier of civil rights, and it pains me that the US is still in the dark ages.
Thank you so much for being so brave (4 years!) and sharing your story here.
“It was an obvious, but painful choice. We would do anything to stay together”
If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. Thanks for sharing your story, I commend your dedication to each other…it’s wonderful to see. I hope your family and friends are supportive of your decisions!
completely agree - this post just made me so, so sad. you guys are so awesome to stick through this together! it makes me so angry that the laws in the US are so backward 
is there anywhere specific you can point us to if we want to be more pro-active about change in this country??
@missrae:
ah! marriage equality.org! sorry, i read in rss usually
Your story really touched me. I am so glad weddingbee has a same-sex wedding blogger. think too often, we forget that it’s not always so easy to just up and marry the one you love. What you two have gone through…and what others have had to go through…it shouldn’t have to happen! All my blessings to you and Miss GB 2.0!
Holy smokes, that’s one heck of an arduous journey towards marriage. Thank you for sharing your story here. It’s a testament to the strength of your loving relationship and I can’t wait for your long overdue wedding celebration!
i totally support you.
it has been painful, but i think you’re doing what’s right for you, for your partner, for your happyness.
i hope things will change in the near future..
good luck
Congratulations on making the journey! It obvioulsy wasn’t easy. Thank you for you thoughtful and honest posts!
I have to agree with Mrs. Daisy, it is completely embarassing to me to be a citizen of a country where same-sex marriage is illegal. (Though I know we are far from the only country to be so backwards). I hope that one day our kids and grandkids will be shocked that two people who loved each other were not allowed to be married. I think we will see this change in the near future, though WAY overdue in my opinion. I wish you a long and beautiful marriage
That picture of the first couple to get married totally made me tear up. Fifty-one years together!
Although the decision you and Miss GB 2.0 made to come here to Canada must have been incredibly hard, I am at least happy that my home country afforded you an alternative and that you two didn’t have to wait half a century to be married.
Miss GB, that’s such a touching story. Both of you really are amazing women. I really wish you all the happiness in the world, but I believe you already found that in each other.
it’s so refreshing to read about a bride that has more to discuss than the typical posts here. of course, there’s a need for discussions about dresses and invites, but i commend you for bringing more social and personal issues to the forefront of this blog.
Your story really touches me. I appreciate you sharing that but I am truly sorry to hear of all you had to go through just to be with the person you love.
I live in SF and remember all the excitement and stories when same sex marriages started being granted at SF city hall.
It makes me so sad to know that there are people who can’t feel the joy of being able to legally marry the person they love.
I’m sure your wedding day will be an emotional one after the long journey through marriage and immigration laws to get where you are today !
I’m sorry that America is stupid when it comes to the right for any consenting adults to be married. I’m glad that you can get married in Canada, though. Yay for Canada!
Maybe someday soon the US will wake up and stop hating people based on stupid reasons.
What beautiful pictures!
Your story is truly inspiring. I, too, consider same sex marriage as my number one voting issue — I hope to one day say I helped contribute to equality in America. You’re not alone Miss Gingerbread!
i life in sf and was so proud when the mayor started marrying same sex couples (although we all knew the state would revoke them). i got totally verklempt seeing the picture of the men + babies : )
It has long been my opinion that the same-sex couples that I know are, if anything, more committed than a lot of the conventional couples I know. And I have no doubt that this is at least in part because of the difficulties (and cost) associated with getting even a few of the same rights that really are necessary to a relationship - things like medical power of attorney and joint guardianship of children - things that most of us take totally for granted. And I am also really ashamed that we can’t do better in this country. But its really great to see the support on this board! It gives me hope.
It infuriates me that the US refuses to recognize same-sex marriage. We are taking a moment in our ceremony to recognize those who are not granted the same rights as us, which I’m sure will piss off the conservative grandparents, but to hell with them.
My best friend growing up had two moms and they were the best parents ever. I believe they went to Hawaii for a ceremony and when they had a commemorative party in their hometown, Ann Arbor, it made the front page of the paper. I was so happy for them and confused as to why anyone would think it was a problem that they should be together.
thank you for sharing your beautiful story. i can’t imagine how frustrating it must’ve been for you and your fiancee to not be able to marry in the US. it’s despicable same-sex marriages are still illegal!
Beautiful post from a beautiful woman. I am so glad you did this, N.
Miss Gingerbread, I’m sorry that you have had to sacrifice so much just to enjoy the same benefits that all us other married couples enjoy. i wholeheartedly believe same-sex marriages should be recognized in the US that one day that will become a reality.
Thank you for your post Miss Gingerbread. It made me cry and cry. I remember when the New York Times started running same-sex weddings in their wedding section. I would always cry when I read about these couples who had been together for decades and were finally marrying. It breaks my heart that you and Ms. GB 2.0 cannot stay in the United States and marry and cannot understand for the life of me why some people think that same sex marriage is an affront to their own marriage. It makes no sense. You two love one another, end of the story. Best wishes to both of you.
Miss GB, thank you so much for this post. It brought up so many things I’ve never even thought of. As someone with a non-US citizen fiance, I just took it for granted that if he doesn’t get his green card through employment before we get married, I’ll sponsor him. I cannot even imagine what it would be like if I was unable to do that, except from what you have written. There are a lot of things that make me ashamed to be an American, but the prevailing attitude toward equal rights for all is at the top of my list.
Good luck and best wishes to you and Miss GB2.0!
I’m so sorry there is that shadow over your wedding planning process. I just can not understand the United States’ approach to same-sex marriage. I am so sorry that you and Ms. GB 2.0 had to leave your home to get married, but I am glad that you will be able to. Like many of the other commenters, this post brought me to tears. I hope very soon things will be different.
Miss GB, sorry for the long and painful journey you’ve had, but welcome to Canada - we’re thrilled to have you and are excited about your upcoming nuptials!
If anything, the US just lost two outstanding people, and we’re able to reap the benefits! Vancouver is such a great place to be - it’s so diverse that people don’t even think of diversity, and most people don’t even give a second thought to the colour of skin or sexual preference. Have you been here for pride weekend yet? I know you are missing your family and friends, but you will quickly meet new folks, I promise!
Miss GB, thank you for sharing your story. It touches on SO many of the reasons that our country needs to recognize that marriage is MORE than just an expression of love between two people. Marriage is a CONTRACT that bestows certain legal rights upon the partners that are NOT AVAILABLE otherwise.
I am always gratified by the statistic that Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the country and states such as Nevada, Arkansas, Oklahoma and Tennessee who have written marriage discrimination into their constitutions (along with banning civil unions AND domestic partnerships) have the highest ( http://www.divorcereform.org/94staterates.html and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_status_in_the_United_States_by_state ). So WHO is really “devaluing” marriage and “threatening” families? Hmmmmmmm?????
I’m sure Miss GB can give you lots more ideas, but one suggestion I would make for those of you who support gay marriage rights is to go here: http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/campaign/millionformarriageac
and sign the Human Rights Campaign “Million for Marriage” petition. You can also sign up to receive updates and other action alerts from HRC,
Whoops! I hit enter accidently….
I know my post above is LONG and link-y, but I hope it conveys the strength of my passion on this issue. I’m so glad to see so many other like-minded here on wb!
Hi Miss Gingerbread,
I know you have, like, a million comments to read here, but if you get a chance, could you answer a question for me?
First, let me tell you I am sitting in front of my computer with tears in my eyes for you and your fiancee. I hope it all works out, you have support out here! My brother came out when he was 18. It was absolutely NOT a surprise. I remember though the night he told me feeling so sad because since he was a very little boy he talked about getting married and having babies. He had names for his children picked out when he was 5! At the time I never thought I would want to marry or have children and I felt… guilt? grief? that I didn’t want the life that he wanted, but was not allowed to have (legally). Although he is not ready to marry and is still having fun being single, I know it bothers him to think about. It hurts my heart and makes me sad for my country.
So here is my question. My FI and I have considered NOT having a legal marriage just a common-law marriage as an act of solidarity. Do you know anyone else who has done this? If we did that, do you know any way that we could get this to become a common equality “sit-in” if you will? Or is this just a stupid/annoying idea? I would love to know what you think.
FYI my brother wants me to get a legal marriage.
Thanks so much!
Wow, this is such a moving post. It’s truly a testament to your relationship that you’ve gone through all of that for the right to be legally marrried. I am sorry you’ve had to move to another place to finally have that right, but I am so happy for you both that you’re getting married!
Thank you so much for posting this— I agree with Miss Sundae– it’s a real testament to the strength of your love and devotion to one another. And that first photo made me tear up– so moving.
I’m a civil rights lawyer so this issue is particularly close to my heart. I hope that in my lifetime, anyone who wants to get married can get married, regardless of gender.
Kudos to the Misses Gingerbreads!
Awww what a beautiful story…as said before, a true testiment of love and devotion. I wish you both the very best! Thank you for sharing.
Wow, I’m practically speechless from all of your thoughtful, supportive comments. Thank you. It means a lot.
@missrae:
Thank you for wanting to get involved. I think that heterosexuals who support marriage equality carry a lot of weight. Talking with friends and family about the issue is a great place to start:
http://www.thetaskforce.org/activist_center/resources_and_tools/talking_points
@Autumn: That is really cool that you and your FI are considering not getting married as an act of solidarity. Your brother is lucky to have a sister like you. I have heard of others doing this, but don’t know of a formal movement. On the other hand, I know that there are many practical benefits to marriage and I wouldn’t want to ask you to forgo them. I can see why your brother wouldn’t want you to lose out just because he is. If you do decide to get legally married, maybe you can do something like what Miss Cherry Pie mentioned. They are going to acknowledge that not all couples have the right to marriage during their ceremony. That seems like a great opportunity to educate friends and family who might otherwise not understand your dilemma with marriage.
Thank you so much for your fine example with this post. I have a wedding blog as well for my friends and family — to kind of break the same-sex ice — and I havent gotten around to posting about the legal aspects, because it’s such a daunting task to explain. Sometimes *I’m* not even sure if I get it all. Thank you again!
Wow Miss GB your post sort of got me teary eyed (hello crazy wedding hormones!). It’s easy to forget between the agonies of choosing letterpress or flat printing, buttercream or fondant, that there are people out there that have much much harder decisions to make when choosing to be with the one they love. Thanks for sharing.
Miss GB & GB2.0. I can’t say enough about what a great addition you have been to the Weddingbee Community. I hope the outpouring of love and support you and the FW receive from this simple internet blog helps diminish the difficulties surrounding your wedding planning. I can’t even begin to imagine living in a world where I couldn’t marry the person I love. It’s incomprehensible to me, so I can only imagine what it has been like for the two of you. I will say this, I admire the love and the dedication that you have for your FW. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that someday, hopefully in our lifetimes, the assbackwardsness of America’s view on same-sex marriage will change for the better.
miss gb, thanks for writing this beautiful entry. i can only imagine how it must’ve felt to have to move away from home, but it just shows how devoted you are to each other. i’m so happy you’re a weddingbee and i can’t wait to read more.
Your entry was so moving and I honestly found myself crying after I was finished reading. You two show the true meaning of love. I can’t wait to hear more of your journey and I am so glad I am one of the many lucky weddingbee readers who will be able to witness this love story grow. Congratulations, you and your wife to be deserve all the happiness in the world!
This is a very moving post. Its sad that same-sex couple are treated with such little respect and dignity in the U.S. Hopefully, someday, that will change.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. And I’m proud of weddingbee for having a same sex couple as a bee (its only right to do so). I live in SF and understand the heartache you feel as I have many friends wishing they could be recognized as a married couple. I just wanted to let you know that I support you and want to wish you all the best as you plan your wedding.
Like so many others, I am very touched by your story. My husband and I often spoke about how priveledged we are in that we could get married, and he is now a permanent resident of the US, just because were are a heterosexual couple. We would only consider having an officiant who would also perform civil unions (we live near NJ), and our ceremony was sure to mention that all loving couples are a source of happiness. My husband’s best person is female, and we can only hope (and support candidates who support) that one day he can be her ‘best person’ at her own wedding.
Canada may be in our future as well….I’m not sure. We plan on having children and while we could get second parent adoption in some states, we would have to move. Also, my fathers side of the family is very very anti-gay, and if I died I would actually worry that they would challenge my partner’s right to raise our children.
So right now were here. But I don’t want to have to worry about my kids safety. I don’t know. It’s a tough call that we fight over since all our family is here.
@kelly: I have to say, it is so incredibly refreshing to live in a country where the government treats us like any other couple. If you should have any questions about immigrating, let me know. Since most Canadians live close to the U.S. border (because who wants to live way north where it is even colder!), you can almost think of moving to Canada like you would moving to Massachussetts, Michigan, or Washington in terms of distance. Adding kids to the picture makes the current U.S. laws so much scarier, doesn’t it
As a Catholic strongly in support of same-sex marriage, those couple of years when it became legal in one province after another were highly emotional for me, as were the events in SF. Reading your post and looking at the pictures brings it all back and I’m tearing up
I’m so glad that Canada can give you this.
I am happy for you, but sad and angry at the same time. I’m sure Canada is wonderful, but I’m sorry that you had to leave the US in order to be together. But, what a romantic story
Thank you so much for joining Weddingbee and for posting such an important story! I am truly sorry that you have had to struggle to finally get what I believe is your basic human right, the right to love. I wish you and Miss GB 2.0 all of the best in the future and can’t wait to see the wedding planning process through such a unique set of eyes.
Miss Cherry Pie - what a fantastic idea! I wish I had thought of that. I think that it will be a very powerful and touching moment.
