Dealing with vendors has been a difficult task for me. I’m your classic “pushover bride.” You tell me that something “is what it is” and I’ll accept it, with no ifs, ands or buts. I’m so eager for my vendors to like me. And not because I feel the need to be loved, but more because I am terrified of pissing one of them off and them ruining my wedding day, out of spite. I’m sure this doesn’t happen much. They’re professionals, after all, right?
I have had very few vendor mishaps (thank my lucky stars), but sometimes I wonder if I could have bargained for more than the “stated price,” especially when I felt something was unfair. For instance, my venue catering refused to let us try the Duck a L’orange we so desired to try. Should I have demanded some sort of discount, maybe a small “per head” discount because we were promised a tasting, and were unable to taste any of the food we’re going to serve at the wedding?
Probably. I think it’s more than fair. We have no idea what the food that they’re serving at our wedding is going to taste like. We were promised that we could choose 3 or 4 menu items to taste. We called and told them what we would like to taste. And when we showed up? None of those dishes were made. Instead they just made 3 random dishes and expected us to live with what they chose. But I’m too much of a pushover, and now I’m paying for it by serving something COMPLETELY different than I envisioned serving for the wedding. Boo.
I need to learn to assert myself more when it comes to dealing with vendors like this. But I’m so terrified that my vendors will roll their eyes at me and call me a bridezilla. What I fear most in the world is my vendors spiting me on the day of my wedding. A grumpy event coordinator/caterer is the LAST thing I want on my wedding day. So in the end, I bit my lip, smiled, and chose to serve food I wasn’t too excited about serving.
In the end, I think it hurts brides like myself who do not know how to effectively bargain, or at least, speak their minds when they feel like they aren’t getting what they paid for.
So, I ask the hive: If you’re promised something from a vendor, and it falls short, do you in turn ask for something else to make up for it? What “tactics” do you use to get the most for your money, or at least, what you feel you deserve? I’d love to hear personal experiences…I need to grow a pair and learn from you gals 
First off remember that this is a business relationship, so relax about being liked. Bridezillas have temper tantrums, brides just horsetrade-so, for example no duck tasting maybe ask for a discount, or for a guaranteed refund percentage if you don’t like the food. They expect this-it’s how event planners and conference organizers get stuff done. A good friend of mine is a professional conference organizer for non-profits, and basically he told me for everything I give up, ask for something in return, and to be pleasant but firm, and decide what your dealbreakers are.
The venue has an obligation to make sure that you and your fiancé are COMPLETELY satisfied with what you are serving your guests…PERIOD! They should be bending over backwards to please you. Excellence in customer service is essential to repeat business so if you call them on their lack of it, they will respond. Call them and schedule another tasting. It’s your money that you’re spending, so act like it!
frankly, you should tell them that you’re a Weddingbee blogger, and that you’re planning to do vendor reviews on the site. This is honest and should clue them in to being nicer to you.
@Wendy: the issue is that since this is a wedding, hopefully there should be no repeat business! unfortunately, i think alot of brides get crappy customer service for this reason.
@gina: i actually think that’s a little unethical. the fact that pengy’s a weddingbee blogger shouldn’t mean she gets preferential treatment in any way (which could be construed as a “kickback”).
I’m with you on this one Miss Penguin. My reception site won’t let us taste the food unless we pay $500, which was never disclosed to us. In addition, they said we could do whatever we wanted with the bar, cash or host, which they went back on after we signed the contract and sent in the deposit saying we could only do a host bar. Also, we had to get our cake through their approved baker. They had an expert pastry chef, again when I signed the contract, who quit. Now, they have a baker direct out of culinary school with no experience. We were both very disappointed in the cake after our tasting, but can’t do anything about it. I plan fundraising events all the time, and have never had any problem with vendors like I have had for my wedding. I think vendors feel like they can get away with pulling antics because it’s a wedding for some reason. Stand-up for yourself and know they really can’t ruin your day unless you let them! I have had to get very direct with my reception site, and I have starting taking notes so if they go back on a promise I can call them on it. Don’t be afraid of being called a Bridezilla, because that is silencing you and causing you frustration. You are paying them to do a very expensive job, so if they don’t live up to expectations say something very polite, yet direct, with finding a solution in mind!
I wish I could give you advice on this, but unfortunately I’m the quintessential push-over bride. I’ll be paying close attention to these tips as well!
I had my save the dates done by a professional stationary person (not sure what the word is). She was over a month late with them and I asked sweetly if she would consider comping the computer calligraphy for the front of the envelopes and she not only did that but gave me letterpress for the price of flat! She is super nice and great to work with so that helps too, but it never hurts to ask!
Miss Penguin, you have time to do a second tasting. Do it. Seriously. You are presumably paying the minimum for that venue to cater, so they should be providing the minimum of input for your decisions, including letting you taste the food that you told them BEFOREHAND you wanted to taste.
You are NOT a bridezilla (a term I resent, since women are expected to hold down jobs, maintain relationships and plan a giant event all by themselves without feeling stressed) you are a customer in a business relationship with a vendor. Demand customer service. Be courteous, like you always are, but don’t let them make you a doormat.
Food was the tip-top priority for us at our reception, and Duck a L’orange is one of my favorite dishes, so this whole story hurts me. You have time to fix this! We’re all backing you! Call them!!
Also, I read a good book (a gift from my sister) called “Women Don’t Ask”, about how women aren’t conditioned to negotiate. That might help. It helped me: http://www.womendontask.com/
I am so sick of vendors being shady. I am a lawyer and a bride and believe you me some of these contracts are so one sided. Push back as much as you can. Get EVERYTHING in writing. If necessary get the person’s boss involved.
I was dealing with my venue coordinator and she is awful. My FI called her boss and she instantly became more responsive.
Today’s venue nonsense: When I asked about putting the rehearsal time in the contract I was told that having a rehearsal was a courtesy? Say what? No Ma’am. Put it in writing what you said months ago about being permitted to have a rehearsal.
I definitely relate to not being comfortable being assertive with vendors, but I really do think it’s worth it! I have become more comfortable doing that, and while I only occasionally do something even as minor as sending a meal back in a restaurant or something, I feel SO much better than when I sit there stewing thinking “this is not AT ALL what I wanted!”
Also, I definitely think you should let them know you’re a blogger here. It’s not unethical at all; you ARE going to review them, you happen to have a much larger audience than most, and if that startles them into giving you better service, good.
One of our favorite things to do is to play “good cop, bad cop”. When we go into a negotiation situation, my husband or I will take the bad cop role (depending on what we’re buying - if it’s a toy for him, I play bad cop and vice versa). That way the good cop can keep the relationship and use the bad cop as a negotiating platform.
For example, “I really adore this venue and I know everything will turn out perfect just like you said, however my fiance was very disappointed with our tasting session. Food is one of his top priorities for this wedding and he’s less than happy with our current choices. Is there anything you can do help me reassure him of our menu choices? If we can’t taste the duck, would you be able to give us a discount on our current menu or possibly throw in an extra appetizer? Anything you can do will be greatly appreciated - I just don’t want him to get hung up on the menu and have it overshadow how beautiful your place is.”
Oh what a sucky place to be.
I always take the “lets meet in the middle” tactic, and that usually works beautifully. I.e., my ceremony musicians (who promised they knew how to play certain songs I wanted), now say they can’t. I asked them to meet me in the middle, and learn to play the most important song. Small thing, but still. I think this approach is less “YOU SCREWED UP AND I’M SUPER PISSSSSSED!” and more, “let’s communicate better from now on, ‘kay?”
I’m on the other side of the fence now, and I have a pushover bride I worry about. Is she getting what she wants? Is she telling me if she needs something? I hope she’s happy with my work, but up until her hiring me, I didn’t know this person, so if I’m not meeting her expectations, I need her to tell me. I think a email from a vendor asking if everything is meeting the couple’s expectations is a good way to open up communications for more timid folks, but not everybody is going to do that.
Great post. I have struggled with this throughout the entire planning process. I’m planning a destination wedding so am relying on my coordinator for everything, as I won’t be able to see it beforehand. I DID fire my first coordinator after a few stressful months of debates on everything…it just wasn’t worth it. I’m at the point where I’m kind of just hoping everything works out..hopefully I’ll pick my battles as they come up. Good luck!
Our biggest vendor issue has also been with our reception site/caterer. The first tasting was TERRIBLE. Successfuly negotiations got us a new, much-improved tasting, another night comped at the hotel when we’re there for the wedding, and a free bottle of champagne. My tips:
1) be firm
2) be specific
3) don’t attack
4) lead with a compliment before shifiting to your criticism, then close with a compliment.
5) PUT IT IN WRITING
endb, my boss calls that the sandwich technique…and it works! Good job on getting the comp. I agree, don’t be mean, but be specific. I get flashbacks to my fast-food days when customers would complain that an order was wrong, but they would never actually say what they wanted.
i hear ya peng. i am generally a pushover — i can’t even say no to our pets. mr. bee says i need to toughen up!
Agree about the asking for another tasting or getting a discount. Because we asked at our site, we’re getting our room comped for 2 nights plus money off the buffet and probably a good deal on the wine. I hate asking too but generally we’ve gotten a great response!
I really resent the term “bridezilla” too. I think it’s the 21st century way of asking a woman, “are you PMSing?” Or making that ridiculous cat sound when two women have a legit argument.
I agree with endb, if you stick to the facts, they have less to feel defensive about.
I really resent the term “bridezilla” too. I think it’s the 21st century way of asking a woman, “are you PMSing?” Or making that ridiculous cat sound when two women have a legit argument or disagreement.
I agree with endb, if you stick to the facts, they have less to feel defensive about.
I think wedding vendors created the term “bridezilla” so we all would strive NOT to be that and become pushovers who will pay huge mark-ups for their products/services. Argh!
Sometimes it helps me “grow a pair” if I pawn it off as my mom/dad/fiance’ said that this is “not acceptable” and then ask for what I want… he he
Good post, miss Penguin… I like the idea of looking at the other side of “bridezilla.” I definitely think/know bridezillas exist, but I also think that (some) vendors are learning to play off that stereotype to their advantage (and/or us brides shirking from being labeled as such) …
I think its important to find some sort of firm middle ground–where you not demanding that your every whim be satisfied, especially by a vendor that you’ll probably only work with this once, but where you know what you want, work reasonably to accomplish such, and are firm if there are problems…. Definitely something I could work on, as a fellow pushover 
Unfortunately, some vendors can read a bride/client who will let them ‘get away’ with something. I have had vendors tell my clients one thing, then when I walk in, everything is hunky-doory! I hate that! Be strong. Take someone with you that will push a little more. You are not close to being a Bridezilla. You are just negotiating a contract. Nothing personal. It’s business. If you really want the duck, call them back and say, “You know, I was a little intimated the other day so I didn’t mention this. But, this is not what I wanted to serve my guests. I feel as if I being pushed into your menu and away from my menu. I would really appreciate your putting together another tasting for us, at no cost, with the food items we have selected.” Then, YOU choose the date and time that YOU are available for this tasting. And you need to do it soon. Don’t let too much time pass between this first meeting you had and the new date. Tell them you will be in at the end of the week at xx:00 p.m. with your fiance and (insert name). You have to be the leader here. TELL them what you are going to do, don’t ask can you do.
I hope all works out for you!
p.s. I just noticed you love UCLA. I live 3 miles from the University of Memphis! I’ll leave it at that…
I am a firm believer that you can say anything to anyone as long as you are reasonable, say it calmly and kindly. It’s all in how you say it. Good luck!
word, mhb & all other “bridzilla” resenters. ITA about the demeaning nature of that word & everything that goes along with it.
I know it can be hard to take a stand sometimes, but try and think about all.that.money you are spending and make yourself ask the questions. The worse they can do is say No, but at least you are forcing them to give an explanation. If you want some extra tips on how to get what you want, I got a kick out of the website http://www.fireyourweddingplanner.com
I have been dealing with major issues with our wedding site. It’s a garden setting and several months after we signed the contract they dug up all the gardens. This was 6 months ago and it is still a construction eye-sore - muddy mess surrounded by orange construction fencing! They have been consistently shady throughout our dealings and it has caused miserable anxiety. After reading these posts, I felt confident sending a polite but firm email expressing my frustration and asking for a partial refund. It may not accomplish much, but I feel so much better after expressing myself. Thank you for the encouragement! This is a great resource.
Ok, our reception place doesn’t even offer taste testings and they were a little surprised when I asked for them to do it for us. It made sense to my wedding party and I (who, btw, are all excellent cooks). ANYWAY - they are going to do one for us, at my INSISTENCE - BUT they’re going to charge us per plate. I honestly would rather PAY now than come to find out the day of my wedding that the food is horrid! Personally, I feel the food can either make or break your wedding….
Our DJ told us in our discussion that if they didn’t play our ‘must play’ songs or did anything that we told them not to do, it would be free. Fast forward to the wedding, in which they played 4 out of 10 must play songs, none of the music we’d requested for dinner, and had a limbo competition despite our stipulation of no games. When we went back to them about getting at least some of our money back, they stopped answering the phone and didn’t return our calls. It’s been almost 8 months and I’m still disappointed that I didn’t try harder to get something from them. If you have time to do something about it now, do it - I say you call them, discuss your concerns with them, and try to get another tasting. You’ve got time to make them live up to their agreement and reassure yourself ahead of the wedding.
Miss Penguin, I read on your blog that you are using Huckleberry Karen to do most of your flowers. Is she one of your ‘good vendors?’ And if you don’t mind me asking, how much are you paying? Thanks so much!
@KSW: Shes one of my AWESOME vendors, not just good
I dont actually know what I’m paying yet, as we havent finalized what we’re doing for flowers yet (I keep changing my mind!) But I do know that her pricing compared to other florists is really great! Definitely shoot her an E mail.
I know you’ve had tons of advice already, but I’ve got some hard-earned advice for you. I was upset with the way my wedding was being handled with my coordinator. First, I gave her a concerned phone call, and when nothing changed, I sent a stern, professional email as a state of complaint. What drew me to this point was that it was less than a month before my backyard wedding, and I had no vendor confirmations from her, no event timeline, pretty much no structure altogether. She took the email very poorly, and threatened to quit. It took three phone calls and several emails to calm her down and convince her it was not personal, I just needed more communication. Well, my wedding was last week, and she was HORRIBLE. She showed up nearly 3 hours after her contract said she would (1 hour before the wedding, unexcusable), paid little attention to detail, and my family and I had to deal with every stressful huge situation. It was miserable. She took her petty anger with her into my wedding day, and pretty much half-assed her service because she was mad that I was upset with her service. So, my advice to you is, proceed with caution. Try to be as careful as possible when voicing your concerns, because though they are “professionals”, they are still human and prone to emotions of their own. There was so much drama involved, I would most certainly never want to relive all the stress and tears of that morning. I hope your wedding goes well for you, and keep in mind that though this is an industry and they are providing you with a service, there’s no consolation prize. If they get mad and do it wrong, you have to shrug it off and remember that your marriage is more important than if they set out plastic instead of the real forks you paid eighty dollars for!
@Brooke: Thats EXACTLY what I’m afraid of 
I’m just gonna let it be for the sake of sanity. Rather have a happy vendor than a pissy one…
Mrs. Penguin, Sacramento
Age and Occupation: 26, Video & TV Producer/Director/Editor
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Doctor of Physical Therapy
Engagement Date: January 29, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 14, 2007
Venue: Winery in the Gold Country
About Me: I'm a silly mess of a girl who, above all else in this world, LOVES the Spice Girls. I eat sushi at least 3 times a week, and feel guilty about how much it costs the other 4 days a week. I love designer jeans and cheap accessories. I don't like sweets, but I love the UCLA Bruins!
i am so with you on this. the weird thing is that at my job, I have to negotiate with printers all the time when things go wrong (and they usually do!) but for some reason, i get into this “please don’t think i’m a bridezilla” mode that i hate..
i’m also running into that on some things with my planner right now, but that’s drama for another day… ahhhhh!