Just An Ordinary Love
April 9th, 2008 @ 10:26 am by Mrs. Penguin
Mr. Penguin and I will celebrate our 7th anniversary as a couple this month! As our wedding approaches, we receive many congratulations from people we meet. Lots of older people like to mention how “wonderful” it feels to be newlyweds. I’m assuming they’re referring to the excitement of getting to know someone on a very deep level, starting a new life together, and that intense rush of love and passion that newlyweds are supposed to feel.
Well, I have a confession to make: I don’t think that’s gonna be the case for the Penguins.
I guess we did it all backwards. Three years ago, Mr. Penguin finished up grad school while I lived at home with my parents, and as soon as he finished, we moved to San Francisco together. I distinctly remember one night walking back to our tiny new apartment and saying to him: This year will be the best year of our lives. And it really was spectacular. We were both finally making money, had little responsibility other than rent, and lived in one of the most incredibly exciting cities in the world. The most stressful thing we experienced that whole year was trying to find a parking space in our touristy neighborhood. We lived off of love, Acme Bread, Cowgirl Creamery Cheese, and good wine. It was truly our “newlywed” experience, despite not actually having wed.
As we both grow into adulthood with each other, I realize that we are no longer the young carefree lovers we once were. We stress constantly over our mortgage, taxes, increasing pressure at work, balancing our work/play time, and a whole slew of other things that for some reason didn’t exist just 3 short years ago when we lived responsibility free in our tiny San Francisco apartment. Our nights are spent collapsing into an exhausted heap most of the time, or falling asleep in front of the TV, rather than exploring the town, taking quick trips to the central coast, or any of that good stuff we used to frequently do.
I fear our “newlywed” period passed some time ago, far before we will have said our vows. But with leaving that behind comes a new era in our lives. I feel like it is so comforting knowing exactly what I’m getting into before saying “I do.” Neither Mr. Penguin nor I have any bad habits left to hide. We’ve practically grown up together, and it’s ALL out there. I don’t anticipate ever feeling like I will say “I wish I had known this about you before we got married.” We’ve seen each other through stressful times, and made it through to the other end just fine. Predictability may be boring, but it’s also incredibly comforting. We will get married in two months, and return to our plain old lives we had the day before the wedding.
We share an ordinary kind of love now. The blazing fire is gone, but the embers burn bright. And I don’t think I’d have it any other way.
Those of you in a long term relationship - do you think being a “newlywed” will live up to all it implies, or do you think it will be “business as usual” after the wedding?
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34 Responses to “Just An Ordinary Love”
i worry about the same thing! mr fiance and i have lived together for four years and i just don’t know what will be different when we’re actually married. i mean, there will be little fun things like being called “mrs” and stuff like that, but yeah, sometimes i’m really jealous of the brides whose marriage will be a HUGE lifestyle change.
and then other times i get so stressed out with planning that i’m like, thank god i don’t have to worry about us being compatible or fighting after the wedding. we’ve gotten that out of the way.
My fiance and I have been together for almost eight years, and we’re also getting married in May. Like you and Mr. Penguin, we’ve lived together for a few years, and feel like we’re already married (no “carefree” love here–it’s all about mortgage stress, home improvement projects, etc.). But they say that marriage does sort of just “feel different.” My photographer (who is also a good friend) said, “It’s just awesome. You wake up that next day and…it’s just different. It *feels* different. I can’t explain it. It’s just this awesome feeling.” I also think that once we start a family, the love we have for each other will grow in a different way, and that will also make it feel different. It just won’t be us anymore, but we’ll be a family, and we’ll love each other for other reasons–being a great father/mother, strengths we never knew the other had, etc.
Pengy, I think that this is a really lovely, well-written entry. I truly enjoyed reading it!
Thank you so much for this post! You just described exactly what I’ve been feeling…
We’ll have been together for 9 years when we get married! I’m so happy with our relationship, stress & all, that I don’t mind if it stays the same–in fact I’d love it to remain just the way it is! Even with demanding jobs, demanding families, and aging bodies (who knew what 30s had in store for us) we still truly enjoy each other. I think that’s what marriage is all about and I’m happy to know that we’ve already learned effective ways to communicate, and to compromise and support each other.
this is a great post, and i can certainly relate. my husband and i were together for about the same amount of time, and had known each other for 11 years when we got married. The honeymoon was, well, a real honeymoon, with all of the emotions that I think most people associate with a honeymoon. it was awesome.
on the home front, it is the way it was, which is to say that it is not our honeymoon all the time, but is great just the way it is. I love our life, with the complexity and stress and the arguments. I’d rather it’s this way. 
We will have been together for 9 years when we get married! We were together for over 7 when we got engaged. I agree with you that the “newlywed” phase is over in the sense that we already live together and have seen each other at our best and worst points already. We also have to deal with the big issues of real estate, finances, family situations, etc.
But I have to say that we definitely both still feel the same passion and fiery love that we felt when we first started dating. I don’t think that that has to change or diminish just because we’ve been together for so long. To the contrary it should make a couple even more passionate about each other since they have an even deeper bond than they did when they first met and fell in love. That’s how I feel anyhow.
I couldn’t agree more! We will have been together a few weeks shy of 10 years when we get married, living together for the past 3. That first year that we lived together was just like you described…it was our “newlywed without the wed” phase. Do I regret that we won’t have a true newlywed phase? A little. But I also wouldn’t change a thing about our past. Great post!
I am in the same boat! We just bought our first house together (we have been living in an apartment together for some time now), have a dog and two kittens, and share financial responsibilities. If it weren’t for a marriage license and some rings, I would swear we were married already! I am completely expecting things to go back to normal after the wedding and honeymoon, except for I will have his last name and a shiny new piece of jewelry! I’m still excited for it all, though, and I hope you are too. I hope you don’t lose the excitement of what is actually about to happen in your lives together. Even if you have been dating for a long period of time and have already been living together for a long period of time, it’s still going to be different, even if just slightly, after you are Mr. & Mrs. Don’t lose sight of that; the best is yet to come.
We too will be newlyweds but far from the ‘learning to live with you’ phase. When we get married in May, we’ll have been together just shy of 12 years. And we’ve been living together for 9.5 years.
It is weird because the marriage will be new but the love and the foundation we have as a couple (and a “family” with ourselves and our two cats) is well established. That part is really nice.
And we’ll continue to make mortgage payments and work on the house knowing that we’ve already done this for a few years and that we know how to discuss and handle situations that come up living in a committed relationship and owning a home together.
So, it may be a bit ‘business as usual’ after the wedding, but the ‘business’ is this really strong foundation and history that we have together and will now continue to add to as a married couple.
And, like everyone else has mentioned, this is a great post!
I, too, dated my husband for 8 years before we walked down the aisle this past August. Over the years, we’d had our ups, downs, triumphs, failures, and much, much more. We, too, had the house, the dog, the ten year plan. I thought that everything would be the same when we walked down the aisle… no surprises. But to be honest, the biggest surprise has been that the past months as husband and wife have been our *best* months yet. We know each other’s habits; we know how to make each other laugh. We’ve been through the adjustment period before. It’s comfortable, yes, but there’s still something a little bit shiny and new about it all. I can’t wait to see what comes next.
I can relate to everyone who has posted as we got engaged when we’d been together 7 years (and living together for 3). We had already bought a house, shared finances (almost totally), and had two cats we got together.
I thought the exact same thing about a newlywed phase. But, even though it’s mostly worn off by now (4 months later), there was definitely a different feeling right after we got married. Yes, life is the same and we’d always assumed that we would get married eventually, but it’s different knowing you’ve committed to everyone (friends, family, government) that you’re going to spend your lives together.
To add to that, for me, it has been a really fun phase after getting all the wedding planning out of the way and finally getting to use that time for fun things together.
The biggest deal for me after the fact was changing my name. This was the first time it felt “different.”
Mr. Cherry Pie and I celebrated our 8th anniversary on Monday!
We’re the same way and we’ve been living together and sharing finances for years.
I think we’ll still get a rush out of being newly married, if only for the “husband/wife” status. I can see us giddily introducing each other to someone for the first time as “my husband/my wife.”
Thank you so much for your post! I feel the same way, but there are also so many more things to look forward to once you are married- buying a house and having kids tops our list
Just wanted to say “thanks” for the post. I’ve been wondering about the same things. And like most of you guys I think we will still be able to find “officially” becoming Mr./Mrs. very exciting.
Morning Penguin…it took him 7 darn years before he proposed?!?! wow…
This is a great post- before getting married, we dated for 7 years (5 long distance) and lived together for 2 years. That being said, it still felt different after we got married and came home to our apartment, our now official “newlywed” home. He carried me across the threshold- we threw out old towels, etc and replaced everything with our wedding gifts (including new bedding) and just felt different and wonderful. Even though we had been living together, etc- everything takes on a new special feeling (like this past Sunday was the first braves game we went to as husband & wife). It’s been such a wonderful time!
Another kudos for your post! It’s so nice to be reminded of how “normal” it is to take your time with your relationship, when my family is constantly frustrated that I am not yet married. They can’t understand that for all intents and purposes, I feel married already. However, it’s nice to be told that it will still feel “special” when the wedding actually takes place.
Another kudos for your post! It’s so nice to be reminded of how “normal” it is to take your time with your relationship, when my family is constantly frustrated that I am not yet married. They can’t understand that for all intents and purposes, I feel married already. However, it’s nice to be told that it will still feel “special” when the wedding actually takes place.
@Missy Jenn: PSH RIGHT? JERK! Haha, totally kidding. We discussed it a while back…we knew that my parents wouldnt be too keen on paying for our wedding, and we knew we’d have to shell out a good chunk of the money for the wedding ourselves, so we had to decide between buying a house first or getting married first…either way we needed time to “build up” a little money before doing the other, so we chose house first.
Great post. My fiancé and I will have been together six years when we marry in November and living together four and a half, so our situation is similar. But you get second, third, fourth… etc. honeymoons through the years that are just as good as the honeymoon phase… if not better because of the deeper love and understanding.
My guy and I were friends for 6 years before we started dating… and we’ve been a couple just over a year. I totally look forward to the ‘newlywed’ phase!! And as ordinary as everyday life is for us… I think it’s going to be great to be husband and wife!
I, too, was worried about this since I’ve been living with FI for over 2 years but my friend who recently got married says it does get better. She lived with her FI before and said that there is still a honeymoon phase when you wake up in the morning and are looking at your husband not just your boyfriend/fiance. I’m looking forward to us being a family even though we act like it, I’m excited for it to be offical!!
Remember to come back after you’re married and write a post if the honeymoon phase never happened…
when we marry we will have been together 5.5 years. and i must admit, we are both excited about it. we didn’t ‘live together’ before hand so we will get to set up house together for the first time as husband and wife.
we’ve stayed together a lot and have travelled together a lot, so there will be no surprises as in bad habits or any stresses like that. but i know that transitioning wont be totally smooth. and we’re ok with that. adds to the excitement of it all.
@Shannon D: definitely dont be jealous. I’ll be doing the HUGE change thing. (moving away form all my family and friends to join him and try to find a job with this economy we have) its a bit nerveracking…….
To just “just an ordinary love”…hear ….hear! Actually it’s by far than an ordinary love. My lover and I have been together for almost 11years and will be wedding soon too. I guess we dated for so long was also because into our 5th yr, it seems like we’re married already.LOL Nonetheless, we’re still looking forward to truly celebrate and have it formally done now.
Right there with ya Pengy. Since you’re first up, you’ll have to let me know if it feels different.
We’d already been living together for over a year when we got masrried last month — and I was worried about the same things you mentioned — but there has been a true “newlywed rush” all the same (and it’s been fun to have the gushy giddiness back!)
I know how you feel! My FI and I will have been together 12 yrs when we get married in August. And we have been living together for almost 3 years. So in essence, it already feels like a marriage. But we cannot wait to make it official!
I’m in a similar situation. I really don’t think things will be all that different after the wedding and the honeymoon state is way done with.
However, in a meeting with our officiant - he said we should really think about how to make it different. We have been thinking about this a lot. Yes, we will live in the same place and go about business as usual but we are going to make small changes in our life to highlight the significance of our marriage.
I’m also in a similar situation. Just a week ago we celebrated our 8th anniversary and we have been living together for 5 years… So no we won’t go through all the ‘learning each other stuff’ that is associated with newlywed-ness but i think there will be little moments like where I introduce him as my husband for the first time that will give a little giddiness… and i wouldn’t have it any other way!
AMEN! very well said.
i really don’t know if it’s going to be any different on the other side of the fence. to be honest, i don’t think it will be any different in the long run. it would probably be a little exciting at first, but then it’ll be the same. but like you said, the predictability in that sense is nice. i already know that we’re compatible now and that we’re extremely comfy with each other… so we must have a pretty good shot at this marriage thing!
I had the opposite feeling right before our wedding. After having a fairly blissful 3.5 years of living together I was terrified that being married would change things. It didn’t, but I do feel different (3 months down) and there is a sort of honeymoon period that came with the emotional rush of the wedding.
We were only together a couple of years before we got married, but we just full out skipped a carefree period. I don’t think I’ve had one of those since I was 22. Basically our first year of marriage I finished grad school, we moved, I got a job, he couldn’t find one for a while, he started school, we bought a house (which later got broken into), etc. No rest for the weary!
Mrs. Penguin, Sacramento
Age and Occupation: 26, Video & TV Producer/Director/Editor
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Doctor of Physical Therapy
Engagement Date: January 29, 2007
Wedding Date: June 7, 2008
Blogging Since: September 14, 2007
Venue: Winery in the Gold Country
About Me: I'm a silly mess of a girl who, above all else in this world, LOVES the Spice Girls. I eat sushi at least 3 times a week, and feel guilty about how much it costs the other 4 days a week. I love designer jeans and cheap accessories. I don't like sweets, but I love the UCLA Bruins!
Six and a half years after we first met, Mr Bluebear and I finally tied the knot. We are now working towards our American Dream…a nice house, a dog have already been checked off the list, but we still await the luxury car and vacations. Regardless though, as we enjoy our newlywed phase, we make an extra effort to cherish and enjoy the company of the other person regardless of the long days at work and Post Wedding Planning Withdrawal. As a matter of fact, to kick start the fact that we were not able to go on a honeymoon immediately after the wedding, I am planning a mini vacation just to getaway. It’s important to realize that we married each other because we love to spend time together, and at times during the long relationship we seem to forget that. So I think during this newlywed phase, we will rekindle that very important fact!