Mrs. Canary, New York
Age and Occupation: 24, Marketing
Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Journalist/Editor
Engagement Date: February 16, 2007
Wedding Date: July, 2008
Blogging Since: October 19, 2007
Venue: Pier Sixty, Chelsea Piers
About Me: I'm a born and raised New Yorker who loves all things crafty and artsy, food (cheese and dessert!), magazines, and shoes. I'm a power shopper always on the lookout for good deals or great quality-- sometimes I'm lucky and I find both! I love to dance and "shake what my momma gave me" but can also really enjoy a quiet night in with Mr. Canary and a good episode of Seinfeld or curl up with a good book.
Unexpected
April 15th, 2008 @ 3:58 pm by Mrs. Canary
Hi bees and readers. I haven’t been a very good blogger lately because of an illness in the family. I try not to get too overly personal in my posts, because I think Weddingbee is a great place for people to find tips, inspiration, and ideas for weddings. But I also know that Weddingbee is not only about weddings, but also a great community and a place of support for real people as well.
My maternal uncle passed away yesterday morning. He had been waiting for a liver transplant for a year and a half and was finally deemed ineligible last week because the cancer had invaded a very important blood vessel. He was sent home to hospice care and was given a sentence of weeks to a month. This was a huge blow to me. My uncle and I were very close when I was a child. He had no children of his own. Most of my earliest and happiest memories include him and his wife taking me on various excursions. As I got older, with school and eventually adult life, I was not able to see him as often. When he was diagnosed with cancer, I was suddenly very involved in his life and health care because his English wasn’t so great. We got to catch up when he was well enough in the past few weeks. He finally gave up yesterday morning and his heart stopped. I had been mentally trying to prepare myself for this all week, but couldn’t have imagined the tremendous weight of grief and sadness that has overcome me.
As I’ve noted in a previous post, my extended family is very close, but particularly in this case, my uncle was my mother’s only living kin. Both her parents and eldest brother died when she was a teenager. Seeing my mother in this state has magnified my grief tenfold.
This unfortunate event has really put so much into perspective, particularly wedding planning. Knowing that my uncle will not be present at my wedding is enough to get me to tear up, but things like having to remove his name from my guest list and counting him out of the tea ceremony has just set me off.
All the time I’ve spent planning and compartmentalizing the aspects of the wedding seem so trivial when it comes to death, something you can’t plan or control. With a little over three months to the wedding, I am going to have to find a way to pick up the pieces and try with as much effort to work out the rest of the “details.” It will probably be a good distraction and force me to focus on something other than sadness. Despite how much work and detail I put into the wedding, it will ultimately be about the people I love sharing and celebrating our special day. Although my uncle will not be there physically, I know he will be in spirit. We had discussed my wedding at some point during one of our conversations and he was so excited. He was certain he would make it, for at least the ceremony, because he wasn’t very fond of dancing and loud music… I know he will be there in some way.
In the meantime, one of the details I will really focus on is a way to incorporate his memory into the wedding. Any suggestions? Have any of you experienced a difficult personal setback in the middle of planning? How did you cope?
55 Responses to “Unexpected”
Thinking of you and your family in this most difficult of times, Miss C. You know where to find me if you need anything at all.
I am so sorry to hear all of this. 
It’s terrible and I can only imagine what that’s like. I’m thinking about you and your family.
My maternal grandmother passed away a few days before we decided to do a civil ceremony and about a few months after we got engaged. It was really tough because she was active in raising me since I was very young.
She had colon cancer that spread to the liver; she was really lucky, though. The doctors only gave her a few months after it spread to her liver and she lasted 3-4 years because of the Ling Zhi she was having. She was the only grandmother I ever knew and met and I miss her dearly. Almost 2 years later, it still hurts knowing she won’t be there in person but I know she’ll be there in spirit.
I know it’ll be tough to get through this, but with your family’s support, everything will be okay. Remember the good times you had together; do not be saddened by all that you feel yobu had left to do with him. You loved and cared for him when he needed you the most, when things were the hardest…But don’t forget you were always there when things were good. Don’t feel too bad..
*Hugs*
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sure it’s incredibly difficult to see your mom in so much emotional duress, and to be dealing with the loss yourself.
As far as incorporating his memory into your wedding, I have seen people “reserving” a chair at the ceremony with a sign that says “In loving memory of ____.” I think it’s a beautiful symbol of the person being there with you in spirit, and that might be something you could do to honor his memory.
my condolences, miss canary. it really does put it all into perspective…
I’m so sorry for your loss Canary. Big hugs for you and your family during this difficult time.
I’m truly sorry for your loss, Canary. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss honey. I’m sending you and your family all my love and prayers. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.
I’m so sorry to read your post Miss Canary. I can imagine it was difficult to open up about this and share with the weddingbee community, and glad you chose to. I think, unfortunately, many readers can relate.
We have faced a very difficult setback during our wedding planning. My father has been ill, we’ve moved our date and the wedding is basically up in the air as to a firm date. My grandfather just passed, so I’m including in his memory a yellow rose (he had prize winning roses) in my bouquet. But I think it’s definately forced my family to reprioritize their lives and become even more close.
I think the best advice I was given after my grandfather’s passing was to remember he will be there for me on my wedding just as he is everyday in my life 
I’m sorry for your loss. I know it’s really hard, and a million little things remind you of it (at least that’s how it was for me).
I will say a friend of mine’s brother passed away the same yr she got married and she used his favorite flowers in the boquets. There was a simple note in the program about it and they mentioned in a prayer during the ceremony family members (including her brother) who were dear to them but who had passed away already. — it may be too late for you to change flowers or something but it can be something small that reminds you of him. . .
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can sympathize with you during this hard time. My mother passed away this January. It was a huge blow to me, she raised me and my brother and sister by herself and we were very close. She was going to walk me down the isle and was very excited to get out of the hospital so we could start planning my upcoming wedding. It is strange to think that on my wedding day it is going to be one of the saddest and happiest days of my life. As for remembering her, we are going to place a reserved sign on a seat for her. And Our unity candle is going to be a picture of her with writing saying that she is here in spirit to see us become husband and wife. Then at the reception we are going to have a candle burnt for her with her picture, and candles burnt for our grandparents that have passed too.
My heart goes out to you and your family, especialy Mama Canary. Hugs to all.
Miss Canary,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can definitely empathize as my fiancee just lost his mother this past December of pancreatic cancer and lost his father 12 years ago of lung cancer. So needless to say, coming up with a true memorial fit for both of my fiancee’s parents has been daunting. Here are a few ways that I am going to incorporate their memory into our ceremony:
red roses were his mothers favorite so I’m incorporating having one red rose in my bouquet as a memorial
I am also considering having 2 chairs empty with a rose in each for his parents (though visually it may be more depressing than symbolic since he just lost his mother, so I’m weighing my options on this one)
There is a huge mantel at our reception location that I’m decorating with flowers and candles and I’m putting their pictures in tiny silver frames I found in Pottery Barn that say “Angel” on the front and incorporating those frames in with others in my family that have recently passed
I figure that small touches like this will remind him that his parents are still there with us in spirit and he can rest in knowing that they are in a better place…
I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers
Best, Honeybunz
I’m sorry to hear of your loss.
We are setting up a table with pictures of us with the people who couldn’t be with us due to sickness or death. We are also going to include pictures of those that we couldn’t take pictures with. The table will include a card explaining who everyone is and what they mean to us and we will like candles and put flowers around the pictures.
I am so sorry, you and your family are in my thoughts. Mr. Sundae lost his Grandpa a few months ago and, similar to what others have suggested, we are going to put a candle on an empty chair at the ceremony in his memory. Hang in there…
First and foremost, my deepest condolences to you and your family. I know no matter how prepared we think we are in terms of illness and death, when it happens, nothing else seems to matter. My grandfather fell ill in the months after we booked our venue. He had succumbed to pancreatic cancer and unfortunately operating on an 80 year old man was not recommended, so he let the disease make it’s run. Nine months before our wedding, he passed away. In the months leading up to his death though, he told us he wanted to share a part of our day with us, but wasn’t sure how. He set aside some money for us to use as we pleased and my husband and I decided we would use it to buy our wedding bands. So even though my grandfather was not physically there on our wedding day, he had blessed our marriage with the ultimate symbol of love and we will forever have it in his memory.
canary, i’m so sad to hear this. i’ve been following this story on your personal blog and just hoping for a much happier outcome, as i’m sure you were too. i’m sending you lots of strength during this painfully difficult time.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss Miss Canary. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
I think there are some good suggestions so far as to how you incorporate your uncle’s memory into the ceremony. I lost my father a number of years ago and it is incredibly important for me to honor and acknowledge him at my wedding. We’ll be reserving an empty seat with his favorite flower during the ceremony and I’ll be carrying a picture of us attached to my bouquet when I walk down the aisle. Perhaps something similarly subtle but personal to you and Mama Canary would be an appropriate way to honor him.
I will have pictures of my brother and grandmother with a memory candle when I get married next year.
2 wonderful people who never got the chance to meet the wonderful man I’m marrying.
I’m so sorry, Miss Canary. We will all be thinking of you and your family. I hope you bring eachother comfort during this difficult time.
I will be placing a rose for my grandfather on the chair next to my grandma. I think seeing it there may be painful but it’ll remind us all that he’s there in a very real way.
My condolences.
I will keep your family in my prayers.
Miss Canary, so sorry for your loss. My father was very ill 7 years ago and passed away a couple months later. FI’s mother passed away 13 years ago and his dad a few months after we were engaged. It is still very hard on us especially when we think about them not being at our wedding physically. Please know we all wish you strength in these hard times. We wanted to do something to remember our loved ones and when I saw Miss Apple’s post on the floating candles in the tray http://www.weddingbee.com/2007/01/16/centerpiece-trays/ it seem very fitting. We will have three floating candles floating in the water and river rocks and a little note explaining those that are with us in spirit.
I am terribly terribly sorry to hear of your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family at this very sad time.
I have a cousin who passed away from cancer not too long ago. Because I can’t bear to change my aunt and uncle from a party of 6 to 5 I am reserving a seat with a candle and/or a framed picture of him. I think everyone will understand and leave the seat open for him .. I hope anyhow. Whatever you choose to do I am sure it will be gorgeous and honour his memory perfectly.
I am so sorry for your loss. My uncle also passed of cancer about 3 months before our wedding. It was so hard, but I too was focused on finding a way to happily remember him on our wedding day.
We choose rather than favors to donate to the our local cancer research facility. Everyone loved that idea.
Canary, I’m so, so sorry! I lost my grandfather while we were planning, and it definitely affected several aspects of the wedding. People who otherwise wouldn’t have come made that extra effort, and we chose to honor Poppy by having his brother wear what would have been his boutenniere. Maybe you could have a close friend or family member do something similar?
I am so sorry for your loss. I can hardly imagine how difficult it must be do celebrate during a time of sadness.
To incorporate the spirit of my grandmother who had passed away, I had a necklace she wore incorporated into my bouquet so that she was with me the entire day. Maybe you could do the same with something that was important to him…
I’m so sorry to hear this! I know how hard it must be. My father and my grandmother both passed away just before I got engaged, so it’s definately made an impact on wedding preparations. I’m planning to tie my father’s wedding band to my bouquet and wear the garter my grandmother wore at her wedding (of all things, but this totally fits her personality! She was a lively lady, to say the least). So perhaps there is something small of your uncle’s that you can incorporate into your wedding attire? Something to pin or tie to your boquet? the waist of your dress?
I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be very difficult to lose a loved one in the middle of planning such a big life-changing event.
I would include a moment of silence in your ceremony as a tribute for your Uncle and perhaps “friends and family, near and far, living and dead, who could not join us on this special day.”
im thinking and praying for you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your uncle. As far as remembering him in your wedding, I have seen some beautiful bouquet lockets where you can put a picture of a loved one. That way he will be close to you whenever you hold your flowers. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
My thoughts are with you and your family, especially your mom. And, he will be with you on your day - smiling down I’m sure.
I am so sorry for your loss! My heart goes out to you and your family.
Miss Canary,
I’m so sorry you lost this special person. I know your heart is aching, but it will get easier. I promise.
My whole wedding has been inspired by the most important person in my entire life- my mother, whom I lost to cancer last year on April 21st.
She loved purple flowers, and purple in general, so it’s the main color in my wedding palette. I’m having the wedding on the beach where we spent a childhood of vacations.
Her brothers and sister are going to walk down the aisle during the entrance of the mothers linking arms from youngest to oldest. In the place where my mom would have fit in, there will be a shawl she loved draped over the arm of her brother. They will then place the shawl in the place she would have sat. I like this because it’s comforting not only to me, but to the 4 other people who were hurt most in losing her.
That might be something special for your mom- to carry something symbolic of her family, especially your uncle, so she too might find some comfort on that day.
I’m am so sorry for your loss - hugs and warm wishes are definitely sent your way.
Miss Canary, you and your family our in my prayers.
HUGE HUGS!
Miss Canary, my thoughts are with you and your family. I just lost my great-aunt (who was like a grandma to me) last week and I lost my grandpa last year.
To incorporate their memory into the day we are hanging a lantern that will be lit during the ceremony and mentioning them in the program. Hang in there and remember the good times you had with your uncle.
Im so sorry for your loss. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers! XoXo
I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for being honest and sharing this with us. Wedding planning can be so difficult when there is any sort of grief or loss in a family, whether that is due to death or something else. It is even harder when people don’t talk about it. There are many places we can share about colors or flowers or hair, but it’s much harder to find a space to share about much more important matters like this. Thank you again.
Im sorry for your loss Canary. I am thinking of you. Maybe you can light a candle in his memory… or maybe make a donation in his name. Thats what Im doing for my grandmother who passed away of breast cancer.
Be strong…. we are all here for you. Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking news. Hugs. xox
I’m sorry for your loss. It must be really hard to share something so personal so publicly. I hope you can find comfort in the support of your friends & family.
I am really sorry for your loss.
Have you considered making a wedding bouquet charm out of a photo of your uncle?
http://www.weddingstar.com/us/6044+Miniature+Embossed+Paper+Photo+Frames_refine:288;
I am so sorry. My maternal grandmother died a few weeks prior to my wedding. I wore a locket with her photo the day of the wedding and had my mother put my toss bouquet on her grave (which is out of town).
i’m sorry for your loss. i truly hope that happy memories of your uncle will help you and your family during this difficult time.
reading your entry, i felt your sadness and pain. i know how you are feeling as my grandfather just passed recently.
like others mention, a locket on your bouquet would be nice. i’ve seen some pictures of a friend who had a candle represent an absent family member at the ceremony, maybe a mention in the program.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Miss Canary. I’m sure you will find a beautiful way to honor your uncle and hold on to all your wonderful members. My condolences to you and your family . . . .
I know words can not express the loss you feel inside but I wanted to send my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. May your uncle rest in peace and watch over you from above. This post touched me deeply because somehow through the years, I’ve lost my passion for writing and this reminded me of why writing is so important, to express what’s important and what you are feeling. When my father died 4 months before our wedding, I didn’t think I could sucessfully plan the wedding but we did. I actually felt like he was watching over me like a guardian angel.
Like all who posted before me I’m so sorry for your loss. At our wedding last year we did reserve a chair for my husband’s mother who passed away some years ago. It meant a lot to him so he brought a framed photo of her which we decorated with a ribbon flower that kept with the theme of our wedding and placed it on a chair for her in the front row. Though she passed away years before we met, it was a very meaningful gesture for both of us.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. x
I’m so sorry for your loss, Miss Canary. I’m sure you’ll find a wonderful way to honour your uncle. Good luck!
I am so sorry for your loss Ms. Canary. You and your family are in my prayers.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My much-older brother died three weeks before our wedding. I sewed his photo into the hem of my dress, and we had a vase engraved with his name, and we placed it on a table on the altar. Early in the ceremony, as the minister said something (brief) about him not being there in person to celebrate with us, we placed some flowers into the vase.
I am so sorry for your loss, Canary. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers!
{{{{{MissCanary}}}}}
so sorry for you and your family…..
prayers for you all.
There appear to be some good suggestions above so I wont be redundant.
Thanks everyone. You are all so wonderful. I really appreciate the kind words and support. I hope to dive back into blogging very soon, since it will be a good distraction from everything. I love all the suggestions for a tribute to my uncle in the wedding. His favorite colors were light blue and white so I may have hydrangeas decorating his seat at the wedding and definitely a note in the program.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Miss Canary. It sounds like your uncle a special man and had a beautiful relationship with you. Go easy with yourself… I know this is a difficult time.
My beautiful mother passed away in November, to pancreatic cancer (like a few others who posted above). We had been engaged for 7 months, and now we’re getting married 8 months after she’s gone. At times it’s unbearable. I know she will be with me. It’s very hard to think of how I want her with me in body, too.
To honor her, we are putting a note in our program about her. She and I were supposed to make my veil together, so now I’ve made it with friends and I sewed on a pale yellow bead (her favorite color & wedding color) near my heart in her honor. I’m carrying a locket with her picture in it attached to my bouquet. And my florist is making a replica bouquet for me to place by her grave..which I like because it feels like I brought the wedding to her, in a way. One of our ceremony songs is one I know she loved. Doing private, personal things really helped me feel close to her.
I hope you find meaningful gestures that connect you with your uncle and reminds you of his happiness and love for you on your special day.
[…] the wedding, we wanted a subtle but meaningful way to honor my uncle, who had passed away a few months ago. I asked our florist for some ideas and he suggested a photograph with rose […]
