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Miss Cherry Pie, Seattle/Polebridge, Montana Age and Occupation: 25, Marketing Communications Specialist Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Nurse Practitioner Engagement Date: August 26, 2006 Wedding Date: September 2008 Blogging Since: April 1, 2008 Venue: A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park About Me: I think of life as a journey and I love the places it's taking me! I went to school to study Magazine Journalism, ended up with a second major in Japanese language, and now work at a company that makes software for libraries. I love writing, computers, photography, and the great outdoors. I spend most of my time playing Guitar Hero and Rock Band or geeking out online with Mr. Cherry Pie. I'm happiest when I'm on the road, especially traveling abroad, or just nesting quietly at home with my sweetie, who is a fabulous cook and bakes a delicious rendition of a certain cherry-filled dessert!
About Mrs. Cherry Pie

An Unofficial Officiant

April 16th, 2008 @ 10:23 am by Mrs. Cherry Pie

In Montana, you don’t need a minister. You don’t even need an officiant. Anyone can marry you… without any certification. I think that guy above looks like fun, but I’m pretty sure he’s unavailable.

Our difficulty was that even with no limits on who can oversee our ceremony, we had no idea who to choose. Did we want the “officiality” of a certified professional or the “personalizability” of a friend? (I made up those words in quotes, haha.) What if the friend wasn’t a good public speaker? What if the official was too cut-and-dry?

It seemed more fitting that since no officiant is required, we ask friend or family member. It didn’t seem like a decision to make lightly, so we had to weigh the pros and cons:

Pros of hiring an “officiant”:

  • Experience: A certified officiant would have experience with public speaking and performing weddings
  • Attire: An officiant would probably have some sort of ceremonial garb, like an awesome robe
  • Objectivity: They would be a ‘neutral’ third party
  • Feeling: Something about the person marrying us having a “certification” makes it feel more… official

Cons of hiring an “officiant”:

  • Cost: It’s another payment we don’t “need” to make
  • Personalization: We wouldn’t ‘know’ the officiant since we don’t attend a church (and certainly not one in Montana), so the ceremony might not be as personal or meaningful

Pros of asking a friend:

  • Personalization: A friend would know us personally and be able to impart extra meaning to the ceremony
  • Personality: They would have a greater rapport with us and therefore with the audience
  • Cost: Free!
  • Feeling: It would be an honor to be married by someone we know and trust

Cons of asking a friend:

  • Experience: They might be a poor public speaker, even if they are full of personality
  • Obligation: A friend might commit when he or she might rather be in the audience than on the stage
  • Feeling: It might not “feel” official and as trivial as that might seem, ritual can be a very important part of a wedding.

From the beginning, Mr. Cherry Pie has been in favor of asking a mutual friend to officiate. He was against hiring an officiant because it seemed to him to be “just another item on the laundry list,” which I think diminished the importance of an officiant for him significantly. I waffled back and forth depending on the day.

We both had a person in mind who seemed to fit the bill, but I thought I should do some due diligence and at least look into area officiants before asking this person to marry us. I was surprised to find a number of secular officiants in the vicinity. I had expected Northwest Montana to be more heavily oriented toward Christian weddings. I even found a lovely woman available for the ceremony.

After careful consideration, we ultimately came back to the idea of our friend to perform the ceremony and marry us. The reasons we decided to ask her far outweigh my concerns about having a more “professional” officiant: She knows us both quite well and is connected to Mr. Cherry Pie’s father but not related to either of us (that sort of makes her a “neutral” third party). She’s intelligent, well spoken, down-to-earth, funny, irreverent, not likely to be nervous in front of a crowd, and has moving views on love & relationships.

I was really, really unexpectedly nervous about asking her to marry us. But I gathered myself together and called her. It seemed to take me forever to get to the point, yammering about “something to ask you,” a “big favor,” and “it would be and honor if you would,” but I finally got around to it… and whaddaya know, she said yes!

So, my friends, it is with great pleasure that I announce that our good friend Cathy, who is a wonderful artist will be performing the ceremony of our marriage. Cathy is the long-time sweetheart of Mr. Cherry Pie’s dad… and she’s also the person printed and assembled our Save the Date Cards!

It’s true that she isn’t a professional speaker, but damned if that woman isn’t loquacious and articulate to the extreme. She also doesn’t mind being up front, rather than in the audience, and thoughtfully asked my opinions on “ceremonial garb” up front.

I have no idea. What should we ask her to wear? I’m thinking simple. Should it be black? White? Match the wedding party? Maybe something like this to freak out the grandparents?

Just kidding. If you had a female minister or officiant, what did she wear?

Mr. Cherry Pie and I will also be writing our ceremony and vows, drawing inspiration from books like The Wedding Ceremony Planner and information we can find in the library and on the Internet. In all likelihood, we’ll just hand off a drafted script to Cathy a month or two before the wedding and have her put her own flair into it. I’m both anxious and excited about writing our own ceremony. I hope we can make it as personal and memorable as the rest of our wedding!

In any case, it feels good to have this milestone checked off the list. I could probably end every post that way, but this one is a special relief because it’s been an object of some confusion for so long.

Have any of you been married by a friend or family member? How did they do?

Pictures: 1, 2

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21 Responses to “An Unofficial Officiant”

1.
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peihan17 (message)  258 posts, Helper bee

We’re having a friend of ours marry us as well. We also chose someone who was comfortable speaking in front of people, and who would take their role [somewhat] seriously =)

She’s wearing whatever she wants. I’m not sure what a hired officiant would normally wear anyway. But then, we don’t have a wedding party, so there isn’t anything for her to match to anyway.

 
2.
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BA (message)  197 posts, Blushing bee

My brother-in-law (not a minister or judge or anything) is marrying us- we chose him because he knows us, we love him, and he’s very calm and funny. We wanted a casual, relaxed atmosphere for the ceremony and I think it’ll be perfect. He’s wearing a suit and a tie that compliments, but doesn’t match, the groomsmen (yet to be picked!), but after seeing the hilarious photos you’ve posted, I’m reconsidering!!! :-)

 
3.
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lins55

My best friend had one of her good college friends do there ceremony. She was great, personalized it because she was around when they started dating. It was just neat. She wore all black :) which didn’t match us but my friends said she could pretty much pick but it had to be wedding appropriate. Anyways it was black heals, black wide leg dress pants, and a sleeveless black dressy shirt. It was nice and she did such a great job I was thinking about asking her to do my wedding.

 
4.
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tanya2s

We had a family friend marry us, and she just wore what she would’ve worn as a regular guest (since she absolutely was invited as a guest as well!). She had a nice dressy suit in a pastel color, with a brightly colored shell underneath. Looked fantastic for our outdoor wedding!

 
5.
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Angel (message)  1,252 posts, Bumble bee

My bonus mom married us. It was exactly what we wanted, and she was in the process of being ordained as a personal goal anyway, so the timing worked out. We had never heard her give a speach before, but she was a great speaker, and it was nice to have her familiar voice leading us in our vows.

She wore a white loose-fitting top and pants with a red sash that was hand-made by a gal in India (can’t remember what this garment was called). The red worked perfectly with our colors, and she stood out as an officiant. We also had her up on a 10 inch block of wood so she could see over us as she spoke. Not only did she practice, speak beautifully and make us feel great, at the end of the night, she gifted us with the ceremony the three of us created in a decorative book.

 
6.
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JenniferB

I’m lucky that my uncle, my dad’s brother, is an ordained minister. I can’t wait to have him marry us!

 
7.
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Erin

A friend had her best girlfriend marry them. She wore a dress in one of the wedding colors. (They didn’t have bridesmaids or groomsmen, so I wouldn’t say that she actually “matched” anyone). When we were considering having my sister marry us, we were going to have her wear a dress in a similar (but not matching) color as the BM dress. But I think a black dress would be very nice as well (and perhaps much easier to get off-the-rack and more useful after the wedding).

 
8.
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Sheri

Two close friends of mine asked me to be the officiant for their wedding about 10 years ago. I’m fairly comfortable speaking in public, I helped the couple in the beginning of their relationship and they didn’t want someone religious (she’s Protestant, he’s Jewish).

My only stipulation was that I didn’t want to wear a robe. I’d worn a choir robe before and they’re just not flattering…

She didn’t want me to match the bridesmaids, so I got to go out on my own and I chose a really flattering Watters and Watters gown:

http://www.watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=195

Her bridesmaids were in burgundy and it was outside in Massachusetts in September, so I went with the black. I just thought the neckline was lovely.

 
9.
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NearlyMsSubrosa (message)  290 posts, Helper bee

Very interesting post on an interesting subject :)

We have no choice over who marries us here. If we did, I think I would have listed pretty much the same pros and cons as you, but as to what decision I would have come to, I have no idea!

I’m very pleased for you that Cathy is happy to do it and sure it’s going to be fantastic - and create a very special memory for all of you :)

 
10.
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TaskyBride (message)  15 posts, Newbee

I had the honor of “officiating” a friend’s ceremony last October- though they got hitched at City Hall several months earlier. It was a really amazing experience, really intimate.

For our wedding, we really struggled. Neither of us are religious, and FI really wanted to have one of our friends do it. After a lot of thought, I agreed with him, and our two best friends will be marrying us. However, since there are all sorts of legality issues with internet ordination (do your research!), we will probably have a legal ceremony at City Hall as well….but I want it to be after the other ceremony!

 
11.
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KatyStardust

I will be married by one of my unofficial “Aunts.” She will be an ordained minister by May of this year (we’ll be married in October of this year). I’m so excited to have her marry us as she is one of my mom’s dearest friends and totally like family.

 
12.
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missm (message)  811 posts, Busy bee

We asked a very close friend to officiate our September wedding and couldn’t be more pleased! Neither of us is particularly religious and it was important to have a personal connection to the one marrying us (it also saved us from having to fight over if she would be the maid of honor or best woman).

We’ve not gone dress shopping yet, but she’ll probably wear a blue or black dress (blue is our main wedding color, but not matching my MOH’s dress).

Good luck with your hunt!

 
13.
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Photo Keepsake Save the Date Cards » Weddingbee » The Wedding Blog

[...] artist friend Cathy, the same one who will be marrying us, also gave us the incredible gift of helping create our Save the Date Cards. Because she works with [...]

 
14.
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musingsfromhere

We are having friends–who are priests–marry us, which makes it all quite simple (in some ways!). They are wearing their usual church gear.

Depending on what sort of “vibe” you are going for, you might want to think about the sort of things that pastors wear in church–esp. if they don’t’ wear robes. Maybe a nice suit (either pants or a skirt) or an academic gown (if she has a degree, with her hood?)? Otherwise, maybe she could somehow match/coordinate w/ your bridesmaids?

 
15.
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Susan

In CA, was wondering if anyone has had their friend be their officiant and what it entails? Do not have the time to do the one day thing through the State which is really restricitve on when you can go down there to get the one day license. Please help. Any input?

 
16.
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missm (message)  811 posts, Busy bee

@Susan - the rules around deputization (the one-day thing) varies by county in CA. For example, in Marin, as long as you’ve purchased your marriage license in Marin, your officiant can go in any weekday between when you obtained your license and the date of the ceremony. I called to confirm that this can even be done on the same day.

If the rules in your county of choice are more restrictive, try checking a neighboring county. For Marin, both the license and the deputization are good anywhere in the state of CA. Woo hoo!

For those not wanting to go that route, there are plenty of places that will ordain anyone for free online. Any ordained person can legally perform a marriage in CA. Just check with your officiant and make sure they are comfortable with the process (ours thought she would be, but changed her mind while answering the questions).

In any case, best of luck!

 
17.
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Hand-Writing Our Wedding Ceremony » Weddingbee » The Wedding Blog

[...] we decided to have a non-officiant friend marry us (remember: anyone can marry you in Montana), I knew it meant that I would have to write [...]

 
18.
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The Legality of Officiating « Eclectic Unions - Unique Wedding Ceremonies by Celebrant Jessie Blum - Serving New Jersey

[...] submit an application (complete with letter of recommendation) and a $25 fee. I learned, through Mrs. Cherry Pie’s wedding [of Weddingbee], that in Montana, ANYONE can preside over a marriage! In certain areas of Pennsylvania, you can get [...]

 
19.
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The Legality of Officiating » Weddingbee PRO » The Wedding Blog

[...] submit an application (complete with letter of recommendation) and a $25 fee. I learned, through Mrs. Cherry Pie’s wedding (of Weddingbee), that in Montana, anyone can preside over a marriage! In certain areas of [...]

 
20.
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Jenny

Quick question if anyone is checking this blog… I too am getting married in Montana and want my fiance’s brother to marry us. How did you find out that anyone can do it? The county clerk indicated that he had to be ordained. Thanks!!

 
21.
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Bee
Mrs. Cherry Pie (message)  688 posts, Busy bee

@Jenny: I researched extensively online, talked to our wedding planner, and cleared it with the county clerk. I suspect your county clerk may be confused! Where on our license we filled in who had married us, we listed her name and then ‘dear friend’ as her title.

 


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Mrs. Cherry Pie
Mrs. Cherry Pie Miss Cherry Pie, Seattle/Polebridge, Montana Age and Occupation: 25, Marketing Communications Specialist Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Nurse Practitioner Engagement Date: August 26, 2006 Wedding Date: September 2008 Blogging Since: April 1, 2008 Venue: A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park About Me: I think of life as a journey and I love the places it's taking me! I went to school to study Magazine Journalism, ended up with a second major in Japanese language, and now work at a company that makes software for libraries. I love writing, computers, photography, and the great outdoors. I spend most of my time playing Guitar Hero and Rock Band or geeking out online with Mr. Cherry Pie. I'm happiest when I'm on the road, especially traveling abroad, or just nesting quietly at home with my sweetie, who is a fabulous cook and bakes a delicious rendition of a certain cherry-filled dessert!
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