Weddingbee

In Montana, you don’t need a minister. You don’t even need an officiant. Anyone can marry you… without any certification. I think that guy above looks like fun, but I’m pretty sure he’s unavailable.

Our difficulty was that even with no limits on who can oversee our ceremony, we had no idea who to choose. Did we want the “officiality” of a certified professional or the “personalizability” of a friend? (I made up those words in quotes, haha.) What if the friend wasn’t a good public speaker? What if the official was too cut-and-dry?

It seemed more fitting that since no officiant is required, we ask friend or family member. It didn’t seem like a decision to make lightly, so we had to weigh the pros and cons:

Pros of hiring an “officiant”:

• Experience: A certified officiant would have experience with public speaking and performing weddings
• Attire: An officiant would probably have some sort of ceremonial garb, like an awesome robe
• Objectivity: They would be a ‘neutral’ third party
• Feeling: Something about the person marrying us having a “certification” makes it feel more… official

Cons of hiring an “officiant”:

• Cost: It’s another payment we don’t “need” to make
• Personalization: We wouldn’t ‘know’ the officiant since we don’t attend a church (and certainly not one in Montana), so the ceremony might not be as personal or meaningful

Pros of asking a friend:

• Personalization: A friend would know us personally and be able to impart extra meaning to the ceremony
• Personality: They would have a greater rapport with us and therefore with the audience
• Cost: Free!
• Feeling: It would be an honor to be married by someone we know and trust

Cons of asking a friend:

• Experience: They might be a poor public speaker, even if they are full of personality
• Obligation: A friend might commit when he or she might rather be in the audience than on the stage
• Feeling: It might not “feel” official and as trivial as that might seem, ritual can be a very important part of a wedding.

From the beginning, Mr. Cherry Pie has been in favor of asking a mutual friend to officiate. He was against hiring an officiant because it seemed to him to be “just another item on the laundry list,” which I think diminished the importance of an officiant for him significantly. I waffled back and forth depending on the day.

We both had a person in mind who seemed to fit the bill, but I thought I should do some due diligence and at least look into area officiants before asking this person to marry us. I was surprised to find a number of secular officiants in the vicinity. I had expected Northwest Montana to be more heavily oriented toward Christian weddings. I even found a lovely woman available for the ceremony.

After careful consideration, we ultimately came back to the idea of our friend to perform the ceremony and marry us. The reasons we decided to ask her far outweigh my concerns about having a more “professional” officiant: She knows us both quite well and is connected to Mr. Cherry Pie’s father but not related to either of us (that sort of makes her a “neutral” third party). She’s intelligent, well spoken, down-to-earth, funny, irreverent, not likely to be nervous in front of a crowd, and has moving views on love & relationships.

I was really, really unexpectedly nervous about asking her to marry us. But I gathered myself together and called her. It seemed to take me forever to get to the point, yammering about “something to ask you,” a “big favor,” and “it would be and honor if you would,” but I finally got around to it… and whaddaya know, she said yes!

So, my friends, it is with great pleasure that I announce that our good friend Cathy, who is a wonderful artist will be performing the ceremony of our marriage. Cathy is the long-time sweetheart of Mr. Cherry Pie’s dad… and she’s also the person printed and assembled our Save the Date Cards!

It’s true that she isn’t a professional speaker, but damned if that woman isn’t loquacious and articulate to the extreme. She also doesn’t mind being up front, rather than in the audience, and thoughtfully asked my opinions on “ceremonial garb” up front.

I have no idea. What should we ask her to wear? I’m thinking simple. Should it be black? White? Match the wedding party? Maybe something like this to freak out the grandparents?

Just kidding. If you had a female minister or officiant, what did she wear?

Mr. Cherry Pie and I will also be writing our ceremony and vows, drawing inspiration from books like The Wedding Ceremony Planner and information we can find in the library and on the Internet. In all likelihood, we’ll just hand off a drafted script to Cathy a month or two before the wedding and have her put her own flair into it. I’m both anxious and excited about writing our own ceremony. I hope we can make it as personal and memorable as the rest of our wedding!

In any case, it feels good to have this milestone checked off the list. I could probably end every post that way, but this one is a special relief because it’s been an object of some confusion for so long.

Have any of you been married by a friend or family member? How did they do?

Pictures: 1, 2

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