Color Blind

April 16th, 2008 @ 1:14 pm by Mrs. Hydrangea

A while back, Miss Canary wrote about what she has faced from both her family and others about dating outside of her race. It’s always interesting for me to learn how others are dealing with stereotypes when you aren’t dating (or are engaged, or married to) someone who has the same skin color as yourself.

Until Mr. Hydrangea, I had always dated white men. There was no major reason for this, it is just what I always gravitated towards. My family and I never discussed anything about me dating outside of my race because it was a non-issue. When Mr. Hydrangea (who is Hispanic) and I started dating, my parents weren’t concerned at all… at first. Boys never tended to stick around long so they didn’t think much of it. Once they knew that we were really getting serious, a few concerns came to fruition. None of these, however, had to do with the color of Mr. Hydrangea’s skin, but more about the differences in both our cultures and our upbringings.

Here are a few that we’ve had to deal with:

1) I have a college education and Mr. Hydrangea does not. He did get further education beyond HS, but it did not come with a 2 or 4 year diploma.
2) Mr. Hydrangea is Catholic. My family is not religious at all. My father tends to look down on the Catholic faith (and most organized religion in general) and this became a major issue when I decided to become Catholic myself.
3) Hispanic men have the stereotype of being “macho” men, controlling and jealous. This worried my mother quite a bit because I tend to be independent and do not like to be told what to do.
4) Mr. Hydrangea’s family has very traditional thoughts about raising children, whereas my family tends to be more open-minded. I think this issue sparked the most concern on both sides of our families and it has sparked a few debates between us about how we will raise our children one day. But, surprisingly, we have generally agreed on how we would like this to be done.

Truth be told, the most cultural worries have come with the wedding planning. How the ceremony will be conducted, where we are having our events, if everyone will feel comfortable with what we are doing. To this, Mr. Hydrangea and I just decided that as long as it is what we want for our wedding, then it will work out. The day is about us and our celebration of our love and how we want to share that with the important people in our lives.

I could keep going, but you get the general idea. The apprehension of your child dating outside your race quickly fades as families tend to bond with your significant other. All in all, our parents calmed down and Mr. Hydrangea and I are very open with each other to the point that we know and share both our worries and the worries of our families. The best thing is that I don’t think that either of our families were crazy about the people we had dated in the past, and both Mr. Hydrangea and I feel very lucky to get along with our FILs so well.

There are so many different cultural rants and raves that I could speak about, but these tended to be the most prevalent that have come up in discussion. How have you all dealt with your families’ concerns over your cultural differences?

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13 Responses to “Color Blind”

Guest

Rachel

Wonderful topic, I wish more people talked about this. I married a Persian man, and experienced exactly the storyline from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” — it’s not overdramatized if you can believe that.

I think cultural collisions are a wonderful thing - I have built my own wedding photography business around that idea. I love it when people’s minds are opened up by coming into such close contact with another family who have an entirely different set of values, beliefs, and experiences. I fully believe the world is a better place because of weddings like yours and mine!

4/16/08 @ 1:39 pm (reply)

Member

stargazerlily (message) 946 posts, Busy bee

As a minority marrying a white person, the thought of my inlaws raising any “stereotypical” concerns about him marrying someone of my race, or for any other race than his own for that matter is not so hot.

4/16/08 @ 1:42 pm (reply)

Member

angiepangie (message) 157 posts, Blushing bee

I know that some people in my family and probably a couple of my friends are not happy with my decision to marry a man of a different race. But thankfully, the people whose opinions I care about the most have been more than 110% supportive. Both of our immediate families have been amazingly happy for us and we have experienced no negative comments from them.

To the people who have problems with our relationship, I just let them see how happy I am and hope that my happiness is enough to make them OK with it. My FI is an amazing man and I am lucky to have him so I know that we will wear people down over the years. And as long as they keep their negative or nasty comments to themselves, they can say whatever they want.

4/16/08 @ 1:46 pm (reply)

Guest

Erin

My SIL (my brother’s wife) is from another race and culture than our family. There were certainly moments that reminded us that there were cultural differences, PARTICULARLY when it came to wedding planning. (See: “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” although my SIL is not Greek). But fortunately, there have really been no issues or headbutting between the families.

I think my brother had to win her family over a bit, but made it in because he’s the same religion as her family and the same profession as her father. Her parents immigrated to the US, so I think they just needed to adapt to the idea that their children would be marrying whites. Her siblings and cousins thank them for breaking down the wall - because none of them have had any issues with their parents protesting inter-racial relationships since.

My brother always dated girls of color, even down to his little grade school crushes; so my family was not surprised at all. But what did shock my family was how our friends and family reacted. I never thought I came from a racist environment — but I do! For example, when they became engaged, one of my mom’s good friends asked how we liked her, and my mom said we adore her, and her friend responded “but her skin’s almost black.” I picked my jaw off the floor, while my mom tried to explain that it didn’t matter. Needless to say, I have become much more aware of insensitivities and stereotyping since my SIL joined the family.

4/16/08 @ 1:56 pm (reply)

Guest

wsukarebear

It’s not entirely the same thing, but my family really thought I’d bring home a frat boy whom I could just kind of push around (I’m a strong personality, and a sorority girl). Turns out, so is my husband–well, a strong personality. And, he works his arse off for everything–he didn’t have a lot of the privileges that had growing up.

I love that we’re opposites in a lot of ways and compromise often. Of course our love and sense of humor is the glue that holds us together. And being opposites is a strength in some ways. He “gets away” to hockey and to go to a random concert, and I “get away” to go out with girlfriends. This is good for us!

So although race or religion wasn’t an issue, we do have differing views about our upbringings and lifestyles and that is something that we’ve discussed at length, and I believe is a strength in our relationship.

4/16/08 @ 2:09 pm (reply)

Guest

Megan

I am a white, blonde Catholic girl from Seattle marrying a black Rastafarian man (with long dredlocks) from St. Lucia! Interestingly, in our daily lives, we never really have had any major issues with anyone being rude or mean.

The only time I ever see it is when we are out shopping. People don’t put us together. They will ask us seperatly if we need help, even if we are standing next to eachother.

My family loves him because he is heads and shoulders above anyone else I have ever dated. His family is so accepting that I asked him once if race was an issue for them and he looked at me crazy, they just want him to be loved.

That is why it shocked me when my Great Aunt talked to my Aunt and said she wasn’t acknowledging our wedding (after receiving our STD card). My mom told me while I was at work and it was so shocking, I started crying at my desk. I know…she is from an older generation, she hasn’t met him, etc.

My mom said that my aunt explained what a great man he was and how good he is to me. And my mom said, “You know, when your dad and I got engaged, my parents sat us down and said, ‘what are we going to do about this religion thing?’” My mom was Lutheran and my dad, Catholic. My mom said she never would consider asking us, “what are we going to do about this race thing?” Let me tell you my mom is as conservative as you can get.

When I told my fiance, he said it was understandable because my great aunt is 80-something years old. He took no offense.

So, all I have to say is…people amaze me in good ways more than in bad.

4/16/08 @ 3:25 pm (reply)

Member

jlsween (message) 91 posts, Worker bee

Long before my FI met my family I worried about racism. I knew my parents would love anyone I did, but my grandfather is definitely “old school” on the topic. My dad warned him before we showed up for Thanksgiving, and I was impressed that he was polite (if slightly distant) to my FI during that first visit. Over the two years we’ve been together I just make sure I talk about him frequently (especially when we have funny disagreements about things and I know grandpa will side with him) and my formerly racist grandfather has totally come around. He thinks FI is a great guy, is happy for us, and even sent a totally unexpected and completely unprompted large check to help pay for the wedding. I really think so much racism comes from ignorance and distance– once faced with a real person that was so much like himself, gramps had to love him!

4/16/08 @ 5:36 pm (reply)

Member

GApeach05 (message) 44 posts, Newbee

I’m black bookworm, former band nerd gal marrying a blonde hair, green eyed frat boy jock. That’s where most of our interesting occurences stem from, lol. We have some of the same issues mentioned before–education–I graduated from college, he didnt, and education is veiwed as very important in my family and I was always pushed to do better and I graduated early, whereas in his family, it’s not as emphasized-and the whole dancing thing–just to name a few. We get stares when we go out to certain places, and sometimes the random people are like “way to go, keep doing what you’re doing”.
I am worried as to how our wedding will be (and afterwards) since his family has had little or no contact with minorites, whereas my family is a whole rainbow of ethnicities.

4/16/08 @ 9:30 pm (reply)

Guest

Cynthia

I am Mexican American and my FI is white. My family LOVES him and there has never been an issue with us being together. A few people from my FI side of the family aren’t supportive of our marriage. I was really upset and hurt because I have never been judged by my race before. I mean they don’t even know me, but because I am Mexican they don’t like me. It’s tough, but what can you do? The good thing is his immediate family (mom, dad, sister) are really excited for us and the select few who aren’t haven’t left a dark cloud over our wedding day. I am really glad you brought this topic up, it’s nice to talk about this and it’s nice to know I am not the only one.

:o)

4/16/08 @ 9:35 pm (reply)

10.

Guest

Deana

With us it’s less of a race/culture issue (we’re the same culture) than it is a generational one–his parents are first generation /very traditional and want things to be a certain way whereas my side is more “Americanized” and these differing points of view have lead to our share of headaches. Sometimes it feels like that Fiddler on the Roof song about tradition. But we’re getting by fine–can’t win every battle!

4/16/08 @ 9:41 pm (reply)

11.

Guest

LOL! Megan…that is sooooo true! When we go to a store they never assume we’re together either…and you know what!!! I think is GREAT! When they’re giving FREE samples 1 per family…we get to take home TWO!

4/17/08 @ 8:36 am (reply)

12.

Member

BaghdadBride (message) 346 posts, Helper bee

I’ve spent a lot of time living and working in South America and I just had to mention that a lot of South Americans get really upset when people say that they aren’t “white.”

I don’t want to be overly PC or anything but “white” is a race while being Hispanic is an ethnicity. You fiance can be both white and hispanic. There are many hispanics who are very fair while others are very dark.

It’s kind of complicated and mainly based on how the Census Bureau categorizes people (this wiki article might help http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Hispanic)
but I’ve seen a lot of hurt feeling and fights about this issue and wouldn’t want you to accidently offend someone or have someone get upset at you for a reason you did not intend.

4/17/08 @ 10:36 am (reply)

13.

Guest

Elle

Hi Miss Hydrangea. I’ve only recently joined the hive, so my comment is coming WAY late after your original post. I also am marrying a man of another race. We have both dated people from different races since we were in our teens, so our parents did not bat an eye. A lot of my Hispanic friends make comments about my never dating Hispanic men, but my choice is my own. Our families and close friends are extremely supportive and that, in the end, is all that matters. And of course, that the happy couple respects and loves one another. Good luck and many, many years of blessings to you and Mr. H!

9/3/08 @ 11:50 am (reply)